Closing up shop

My bookshelves are empty. Out in the hallway, a huge stack of boxes fills the space along the wall between what is my door now and what was my door up until 1996. Soon, this door won't be mine either.

A lot of things I thought I would want to keep initially I've decided to leave here, for Connor, and for the new baby. My collection of Disney movies on VHS, for example. And my stuffed animals. I don't know if I assumed I was taking those or not, but it occurs to me that Connor is the one who plays with them. It will be special for him to have something of mine when I'm gone.

Several of the books I thought I'd be keeping are staying behind, too, such as a book called Everyone Poops that my aunt Bev gave to my mom as a gag gift. I thought it was hilarious and kept the book, but now I think I'll leave it and see if Faye thinks Connor would like it. It's a book about pooping, and Connor's an Aubrey; how could he not like it? I'm also leaving the Popeye film book given to us by Pop-Pop, Mom's father. The book is old and worn and stuck together with duct tape, and besides, it belongs here anyway.

I threw away a few things I'd been keeping for awhile, like my calculus binder from high school. "Mr. Barnes is always right," proclaims the front cover, crediting "Confused Calculus Student" for the brilliant quote. Next to that, "I will try harder," attributed to Boxer. I hated AP Calculus, but I loved AP English, and I knew it at the time, and I suppose that's why I was putting Animal Farm quotes and paraphrases on what was supposed to be a math folder. If I really liked math I would have written some brilliant formula that described the shape of a lightbulb (or perhaps Einstein's head); but to this day my best mathematical joke is as follows: "The cos of leia is a gentle curve." And you'll only get that one if you know that my main Internet nick is cosleia. And that I'm a girl.

Underneath my bookshelf in the area that is too short for books but just tall enough to be annoying, I found my old jewelry boxes. One's wooden with the lid handle broken off, and the other is probably wood too, covered in green vinyl with a mock-sewn diamond pattern notched in. When you open it, the lid is pale yellow with a smattering of gold stars, and there are fifteen unequal fabric cubbyholes in the base for treasures.

And indeed, opening these little chests is like opening a treasure box. I was wondering before I looked inside why I held on to them, but now I know.

In the green jewelry box I found my very first present from a boy, a small three-stone faux diamond pendant necklace. The "diamonds" have turned the color of ash, and the necklace itself is tarnished and broken off at one end. Slightly bent and still sporting two small pieces of Scotch tape is the card, red with holly clusters in both top corners and a sprawling Christmas tree in the center. The card reads: "To: Heather From: Eddie," in left-handed cursive script.

Johnnie Edward Benedict, Jr. was my very first friend after my very first move. I began my life living in a trailer and going to private school in Lexington, but when I was seven we moved to a house, and after a year we couldn't afford the private school anymore. I'd never ridden the bus before, let alone attended a public school, so it was a rather striking change.

We got on the bus our first day of school--I was headed to fourth grade, AJ to third, and Ben to first--with more than a little trepidation...and what should happen first but some rowdy kids yelling "Ha, ha, the Brady Bunch!" I suppose when you're stupid, it's hard to come up with good insults. Immediately depressed by the lack of friendliness, I groused to myself about how these public school kids couldn't count and tried to find a seat.

A boy with rather wavy blond hair, green-blue eyes, and a hawkish nose let me sit next to him that day, and it wasn't long before Eddie and I were best friends. He not only comforted me and joined me in making fun of the lame-ness of the bullies' taunts, but he later introduced me to such things as Michael Jackson, Madonna, the Beach Boys, and Super Mario Bros. We spent fourth and fifth grade together--even during the brief stint where I was quasi-dating a smart-aleck named Anthony Bruner--and remained fast friends. I met Melissa Christopher then too--she was also on our bus route--and the three of us formed a vanguard against Pretty Much Everyone Else. (We even started a club, called WBLF--We'll Be Loyal Friends.) In retrospect, our coalition probably was the beginning of the end of my social life in public school, but back then I didn't care...I had people with me (Eddie, Melissa, Willie Costley, and a few more girls: Callie Lewis and Vicky Lancaster, to name a couple. I remember Eddie once wanted us all to have nicknames; I don't remember anyone's except Vicky's, which was "The Fly" because of her eyes).

Of course, now that I'm waxing sentimental I'm checking up on Classmates.com and Reunion.com to see what all my friends from high school are up to. (Kenneth Burdine has two kids!) It's hard to find people from middle school or elementary school, which is a shame. Fortunately, the friend I remember most from all of secondary school, Noelle Scuderi (Mitchell), and I still keep in touch. In fact, she and her husband John are planning on coming to my wedding. I'm so excited--I haven't seen them since 1998, when they stopped in for a visit on their way down to see Noelle's parents. My hair was much shorter then :>

There's all kinds of other stuff in these jewelry boxes: plastic beads; an odd orange light bulb; screws; a hair clip; skee-ball tickets from Showbiz Pizza Place; a small Gumby toy; a laminated picture of me at around six sitting next to my mother when she got her drivers license renewed one time; a silver jingle bell bracelet that almost still fits; one of the original No Dogs that Dad and I made by hand--cutting individual pieces of aluminum, drilling holes in them, sawing out the legs with the band saw, and then sanding them down--in a small leather case that I made; and a leather wallet that used to belong to my great uncle Lewis, Dad's uncle on his mother's side, filled with paper money from when he was in Europe during World War II. Those last two items are special treasures, and if nothing else I'll keep them. I don't want the jewelry boxes themselves anymore, though they served their purposes well in their time. I really do have Too Much Stuff(TM). But there are some things I feel compelled to keep, things that connect me to my past and my family.

Speaking of which, it's about time I resumed my efforts to drag those boxes downstairs.

Modern legends and myths

It has occurred to me, just now, that our modern myths and legends are stories such as Walker, Texas Ranger and Andromeda. You know the kind. These shows, no matter how inventive they are, all fit the same pattern: the good guy always wins. You could say that he is destined to win. Bad things can happen to him, but if he didn't win, people wouldn't watch the show. The Pretender, JAG, Renegade...I'm not sure what came first, but perhaps it was The A-Team. And suddenly we have a proliferation of media in which justice is served and the good guy comes out on top. What can we call these shows? Some of them are probably classified as "dramas", though I think to have a drama you can't have the certainty that something good is going to come of it. (In fact, in movies, it seems that a drama has to have a sad ending...if it's happy, it's more than likely going to be put in Blockbuster's "comedy" or "romantic comedy" section.)

And so what label do we stick on these things? I'm going to have to stick with "legend" or "myth". Obviously what happens in these shows could not happen in real life. No one wins that consistently. And yet we love it...there's not one of us who doesn't at least secretly like one of these types of shows. Well, except maybe Sean, but he's weird ;>

This line of thinking came to me because I've been working on a paper comparing Laurence Olivier's 1944 version of Henry V to Kenneth Branagh's 1989 version. Branagh's version felt more sophisticated to me; King Harry was hardly perfect, but I loved him anyway. He felt like a real, true person. Olivier's Harry was quite idealized, and there were even parts cut out of the original story that could have made Harry look bad. So to me, Olivier's film was mythic in nature; it put King Harry on a pedestal and worked hard to keep him there, and in so doing made him two-dimensional. Sure, he had a personality, but he didn't feel like a real person. Branagh, on the other hand, was brutally honest in most cases, staying in general quite loyal to the original Shakespeare script. He used a bit of artistic license to enhance the effect of Harry's trials on the audience, and I believe that on the whole he was successful.

But does that make Olivier's version bad? I've been thinking about it, and I have to say no. It's pretty obvious that people need myths. Why would they be so popular otherwise? We want something to believe in, want it so badly that we will suspend our disbelief in the ideal so that we can be told fantastic stories about great men and women who can do anything they set their minds to. We want heroes.

And just because something is popular doesn't make it bad. It might mean that it has something to do with what it means to be human.

Now I'll content myself to await all the emails from the cynics crying things like "Oh God, if Christina Aguilera's 'music' is part of what it means to be human, then just shoot me now!"

Idiot!

What kind of idiot assigns two projects that make up 60% of the final grade over the very last weekend of the semester? The kind of idiot that teaches a Shakespeare survey course, I suppose.

There are no happy Wal-Mart clones where I live

The Wal-Mart People Greeter hates me.

I know, because when I went into Wal-Mart this morning to search for cheap-o wedding invitations (they turned out to be too cheap-o, unfortunately), and I smiled at her and said "Good morning," she frowned and turned away as though I smelled of manure. But I didn't, honest!

Then, after I checked out (of course I bought something else; you think I can just go into a store, look for something, decide not to buy it, and then walk out again without buying anything else? Madness!), I carried my bags past the same lady. Wondering if she would want to see my receipt, I smiled at her. She frowned again and looked away! What, was she jealous of my awesome Land's End coat? Did she resent the way I'd pulled my hair back into a ponytail because it was a little dirty today? Does she hate my glasses? Or is she perhaps bitterly suspicious of anyone who attempts friendliness, because her husband of 50 years (she was damn old after all) ran off and left her with half the bridge club?

It's too bad Wal-Mart isn't anything like it is in the commercials. I think they must grow those people who love working at Wal-Mart in jars somewhere in a secret lab, and then raise them inside a Wal-Mart so that they are perfectly acclimated, and then give them the honor of actually working in one, and that's why they're so ecstatic in the commercials. But this process must be really expensive, which is why they never send any of the happy clones to the Wal-Marts where I shop. They have to reserve them for the ritzy, upscale places, like Columbia County, Georgia--where a Super Wal-Mart is constructed, I kid you not, entirely of beautiful brown brick. Never in my life had I thought that a Wal-Mart could look that good.

Maybe when I move to Georgia and shop at the Columbia County Super Wal-Mart, the People Greeter will like me.

Back from Georgia

Look, I've taken a cool overexposed picture of myself! Can I join the l33t w3bm0nk3y club now?

You might notice something new in that picture. My engagement is official, per the traditional dowry purchase of my body and soul via diamond ring. Silly historical concerns aside, it is a damn fine rock. And I am changing my name.

I went to visit Sean for the past week and a half, leaving on November 22 and returning today. It was a great trip. We found a place to live and put in our application. Cheryl and Reid bought us our wedding rings, and Sean gave me the aforementioned hunk of diamond goodness. We also got our blood tests and obtained our marriage license. The woman at the desk informed us when we arrived that "I usually don't do this after 4:30." We thought that was cute. Yes, this office is open until 5. But I stop doing my job at 4:30. Sorry. Fortunately, she wasn't quite that obnoxious, and she went ahead and processed us. She even sounded halfway sincere when she told us "Congratulations"! Now all that's left is to find a place to get married, and go ahead and do it already.

There are plenty of stories I could tell about my trip, and hopefully I will later, but for now I'm quite tired. The eight hour drive wasn't too bad, but it's been a long day in all. それで、good night, everyone.

Apparently I'm moving to a hell-hole!

http://www.graffiks.com/dylan_articles/dylan30.html

The condescending arrogance of the astoundingly ignorant

Someone told me on a forum three days ago in a very condescending manner that I was "pretty much correct" concerning a kanji reading, and that as for China, they imported their writing system from Japan in "several waves".

I have been so incredulous ever since then that I keep mentioning it to everybody. How in the world does a person get the idea that China got its writing system from Japan? I mean, sure, I didn't know much about Asia before I started taking Japanese culture classes, but still...even European history shows how freaking old China is, and how advanced they were ages ago. Japan, on the other hand, as we know from American history, secluded itself so much until recently that they had quite a bit of catching up to do, and that holds true regardless of the fact that now they lead the world in many ways. I mean...I am just completely astounded.

I told that girl how it is, and she hasn't bothered to reply to the thread. Oh, well.

Quick post from the library

I finished my topic and bibliography thingy and printed it out by 9:35. Class started at 9:30. Good thing she doesn't take attendance! Going to drop it off now, and then Dotty and I are going out for breakfast. :D

Ambivalent apathy

I have become rather apathetic towards school. It's not the same kind of apathetic that I usually feel at this time of the semester; typically I'm looking forward to new classes and a new schedule, but now I'm looking forward to graduation...and so these two niggling classes that remain seem even more inconsequential. I'm honestly interested in them, but at the same time I could care less. It's really odd. I just hope I manage to get a 4.0 this semester, as that would bump my cumulative GPA into cum laude range. I'm expecting As in both classes, but if I don't watch it, I might mess up.

I have a paper topic and preliminary bibliography due tomorrow for a paper that should actually be pretty fun to do. I'm going to be comparing two stage/movie productions of Shakespeare plays. That really sounds neat and intriguing! But when you set that alongside the fact that I'm going to be moving and getting married and getting my first "real" job and starting my new life, it just sort of seems lackluster. When it comes down to it, I'd rather be surfing the 'Net looking for possible wedding sites (as I've been doing during work all week) or packing up my stuff for the move (as I've been doing with my time at home, other than sleeping and the AMRN of course). And so I haven't picked my specific topic, and I haven't found any sources yet. And I don't really care. I'm going to get up and do it in the morning before class, and if I have to I'll just skip the class and hand it in later...it's due by 2 pm, so I'm not really worried about it. I also have some minor things to get out of the way for my writing class, but the workload is really light this week (probably since everyone has been freaking out lately), so I'm not worried about that either. I'm just hoping I'm not "not worrying" too much, because I'd seriously love to graduate cum laude. For a long time I didn't think it would be possible. I may receive some departmental honors, but for my overall GPA to also have honors attached to it is quite an accomplishment, given how much of a slacker I was in the beginning.

So I will get my work done and try not to slack off too much...but there are so many things I would rather be doing. There is so much packing left to be done. I've bagged up all the clothes I don't plan on wearing between now and January, so that's an accomplishment, and I've also boxed up about half of the books I keep in my room and most of the collectibles/decorations. That was a fair amount to accomplish today, but I feel like there's so much left to do. I hope I get it done quickly so I'll have time to do fun things during the holidays, like bake cookies :) I love baking!

I broke my diet quite a bit this week, so I'm starting over. I'm trying not to stress too much about it. Things will be cool; I just need to show a little restraint, and make sure there is food around that I can eat.

I recently downloaded an enormous amount of Initial D mp3s from some Chinese website that shut down before I was completely finished leeching. They are awesome. A few of them, though, have skips and errors, and this is annoying. I need to go ahead and label the ones that have messups so I can look into replacing them somehow (or at least so I know what I'm getting into when I play them).

Regardless, I sent some of my favorites to Sean, and he really likes them too :) I'm hoping we'll watch Initial D together when I visit him (I'm leaving on Friday! Wh00t!), but he has his heart set on watching RahXephon first. I don't have anything against RahXephon, and I do want to watch it, but for some reason when people want me to do stuff I get all obstinate about doing it and start doing other stuff first. So I've put off RahXephon until this trip, and we'll watch it together during the time we're not running around Augusta looking for a place to live. Should be fun.

My anime collection continues to grow, but I haven't updated my list lately. I have actually stopped downloading for the remainder of the year, excepting files hosted by Fumei Anime, because every time I start burning to DVD in earnest, my computer decides to blue screen, sometimes just once and sometimes several times. A blue screen in Windows 2000 is nothing to sneeze at, since they're nigh impossible to achieve. (But you know me--I'm so special, I can do anything.) Once I've moved to Georgia, Sean is going to install my new, larger hard drive, and he is also going to fix the burning problem. That will be quite a relief; I'm never quite comfortable when my computer isn't working properly. (As my mom says, it's like the feeling you get when one of your kids is sick. Although I guess you don't really "use" children the same way you use your computer...and besides, I don't have kids, so how would I know how that feels?)

I'm looking forward to going to sleep. Sleep is a great way of avoiding problems. I'll go to sleep tonight completely ignoring the fact that that bibliography is due tomorrow. Procrastination is so much easier when you can explain it away with excuses like "Well, I have to sleep sometime, you know."

I can't wait until Friday!

Star Wars

It's funny because it's true...

I think directors should only revise their works later on as long as the original version that everyone fell in love with to begin with is still available. But hey, that's just me...what do I know?

As for Episode II, I've told a few people my theory about Anakin and Padme. Basically, I am convinced that they are not in love at all. Anakin is looking for someone to replace his mother, and Padme is looking for a life. Since the Anakin one is pretty obvious to anyone, I'll only go into more detail on the Padme issue.

In the Episode II novel it's even more painfully obvious than in the movie that Padme has been dedicated to politics and working for others so much that she has practically no personality, and certainly no life. She gets all weepy when she takes care of her sister's children, wishing she had a family of her own, something of her own. Anakin, a rebellious (and, frankly, hot) young Jedi is the perfect way for her to break out of her good girl mold. Unfortunately, she's been suppressing herself for so long that when she finally starts to break free, she goes overboard with her emotions. It's because she's so ecstatic about having a little danger in her life that she is able to ignore--or even think she can somehow cure!--Anakin's violent tendencies. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if their relationship follows a standard spousal abuse pattern.

And so I have no problem with the stilted love scenes, because I feel they perfectly demonstrated that what Anakin and Padme have is certainly not love.

This is not to say that I will be happy to watch Padme spiral deeper and deeper into the role of the abused wife. That will be depressing. But it will fit. It will explain everything.

I just hope George's neck doesn't speak up and talk him out of it...

Financial relief!

日本語が上手に成りたいですよ！

I love this Blogger thing...it makes posting so easy...

Well, the financial troubles I was talking about before are much less of an issue now. Here is how it happened, and why ultimately I was higher than a kite yesterday:

I was hanging out with my mom, waiting for my latest short story to print out fifteen times, and we started discussing how in God's green Earth I was going to get all my stuff to Georgia. Out of the blue, I asked her, "Would you come with me? I'd love it if you helped me set up my new home."

She seemed very flattered, and said in a stern-ish voice, "Well, I didn't want to visit you until you were married." She refused to visit AJ and Faye when they were living together, and she won't go to Ben's apartment now either. I'm not sure what this accomplished in either case, although it's true that AJ is married now and Ben is planning on getting married. Still, it seems like a vain attempt to allow us to live in sin by pretending not to condone it. It's just weird. I was wondering if she would pull the same thing with me, and apparently that was on her mind as well. "But I don't know, things are pretty slow around here at that time of year. I think I could do it."

One of my goals in life has always been to make Mom happy. I don't think this is particularly unhealthy, although I do think it's important for me to weigh the issues before making a choice instead of just going along with whatever Mom wants. So I considered for a moment, and then said, "Well, what if you and I went down there with all my stuff and then Sean and I got married real quick? And you and Cheryl could be witnesses."

"That could work," Mom said.

For a spur of the moment idea, it really got me thinking. Everything would work out perfectly that way. We could have a small, intimate ceremony that didn't cost much, and then I could get on his insurance right away, and the name change would go into effect before I had to get my new drivers license, so I wouldn't have to get two to keep it current, and we would be married right away so I would (once again, ha!) be the kid that "did it right" (I am so competitive with my brothers!), and we could just send out marriage announcements to people, and gifts could arrive well before the honeymoon which is more logical anyway, and we'd have time to save up for the honeymoon...really, the plus sides of this are staggering, and it's amazing I didn't think of it before. I guess this is what you call "thinking outside the box" or a "paradigm shift", because I was trapped in financial woes when I believed that my wedding had to be in March and had to have 75 guests and had to have a lovely reception with cake and catered food, and now I feel so light and free and happy!

I ran back and asked Sean about it, and he said, "Sure. I have no problem with that." I was so elated! I started bouncing off the walls, and I got my homework done early, and I ran around talking to everyone. I told Ben about the plans and said that it would be great if he could come too...we're still not sure who would stay at home with the dogs, but that's a relatively minor issue given all the money we're going to save and all the good things that are coming from this. I will miss whoever doesn't get to come, though :/

But I don't know, I'm too happy to be worried about that. That is pretty selfish, but hey, with all the angst I've had lately worrying about how the hell I was going to pay for the wedding I'd promised everyone, I deserve a little relief! Really, I do! ;>

Man, I am so excited!

And next Friday I will be going to see Sean! Yes, Thanksgiving break will finally be here soon, and I'm taking the first part of the week off so I can go be with him and find an apartment and search for a place to hold the little wedding. If we don't find a place, the courthouse is fine with me. (You know, some of the prettiest buildings I've ever seen are funeral homes. That's so unfair!)

So soon I will be a college graduate with a silver (well, white gold) ring on my finger. MAN! And I'll be living in another state, and I'll have a job...it's crazy! But so exciting!

Life rocks :D

An angst-fueled rant about webcomics

A lot has been going on with me lately, not the least of which is the constant worry about finances that has pretty much fucked up my opinions about everything else. RPGs? Pointless. School? Boring. Family? Well, they're okay when they're not being annoying. But of course, the worst of it is reacting in irritation to Sean. We had another one of our non-fights last night--they're fights, but in the end we both start to realize that we're arguing the exact same position. And so we took some time to recover from that and reaffirm some of our goals, and it was really refreshing to just let the emotions out. The worry is still there, but some of the pent-up frustration has been released, and that's good, at least. It is important, however, to keep that historical background in mind as I move on to my next topic, which is slackass webcomics.

I went to MegaTokyo today, only to see a DPD. Okay. This I don't get. The dude loses his job and promptly writes a dissertation about how now he has all the time in the world to devote to the strip, and so he won't ever miss another one...and what does he do but be late with the first strip after that, and not even have one for the next deadline? Mr. Gallagher seriously has some time management issues. Oh, certainly, he's not on par with Mr. Fire, but I find the constant promise-breaking extremely annoying. If these people want to make a living doing their comics, they need to get off their asses and actually provide the product. I'm not paying you for your (debatably) pretty site design, or your extremely long-winded rants about your life, and I might not buy your graphic novel, especially if I don't think there will be any decent content in it. I am willing to subscribe to webcomics I love, and that's why I pay for Keenspot PREMIUM and Sluggy, but I am getting tired of webcomics whose authors/artists continually bitch and moan about how they want to make money but can't, and post these whines in lieu of a strip. People who aren't trying to make a living at it can miss an update. That's fine. But people who claim that they want to do this for a vocation need to RTFM. The last time I checked, people don't just go outside and throw cash into the air and then walk back into their houses. We usually like to get something in exchange. Maybe it would be easier for people to understand if I explained that it works like the barter system. You give something, you get something. Is that clear enough for you?

Grah. At least I'm not alone in my frustrations.

On a side note, because of the DPD I decided to go read the MT archives, and I was intrigued to discover that the beginning of the comic is radically different, and far funnier, than the comic is now. Largo also actually seems to be a person instead of two-dimensional comic relief. It really underscores the fact that the comic is now "online manga" and it's all about Piro and his Love Hina-esque relationships.

I still don't like Mr. Gallagher's art.

o misery

[19:55:22] <COSLeia> o the misery of life
[19:55:28] <COSLeia> now, having thusly heated my dinner
[19:55:36] <COSLeia> yea, now must I wait for it to cool
[19:55:39] <COSLeia> o misery, misery
[19:55:57] <COSLeia> o sweet anticipation
[19:56:09] <COSLeia> o misery, o sweet miserable anticipation
[19:56:10] <COSLeia> yea

GAMU TEIPU MATCHI!!

ガムテープマッチ！！

I literally had to remind myself to close my mouth during that race. Twice!

拓美はすごい！！

Initial D is one of the most exciting things I've ever watched. I can't believe I deleted the episodes Hai gave me before! このヘザーは馬鹿だよ！

"It would've worked if you hadn't stopped me."

In writing class yesterday, we workshopped a story by Matt Steele called "The Programmer Goes Back to Work". It was written in a trance-y, dream-like prose, wherein the programmer shapes his own reality through programming languages, but ultimately fails to build the world he wants to live in. Dotty suggested that Matt delve into this theme more, perhaps having the programmer discover an equation that defines the world. Across the room, Holly and Shelley suddenly began thinking of the movie Pi (although I personally found that idea reminiscent of the end of the novel Contact).

"I just like the part where he drills holes in his head whenever he gets migraines, because that's really what you feel like doing," Shelley said.

"I thought that was a dream," piped up someone else.

"Yeah, he didn't really do that, that's impossible," Shelley responded, "but it's just such a real image to me."

I hadn't seen the movie, but I put in my own two cents anyway. "Egon Spengler tried to drill holes in his head."

There was a long pause, and finally Shelley started to say, "Who's that--"

"In Ghostbusters."

I finally retreated, beaten back by the blank stares of my classmates. Honestly, what is the world coming to when people haven't seen Ghostbusters?