A challenge changes shape

I have always wanted to be a mother. I like to tell people that I've thought about having children since I was a child, because it's true and because it sounds good. I like to read about teaching methods and childhood development and what effects experience can have on personality and learning. I often think about what sort of environment I want to provide for my children, how I want them to feel comfortable and safe and loved, and how I'd like to foster in them a love of exploration and creation and imagination. To this day, when I hear about a fun trip or project, I think about doing it with my kids.

Two things came along in my life to derail my assumptions. Neither of them managed to snuff out my dreams, no matter how hard they tried. But together, it seemed that they would see to it that my dreams never became a reality.

The first thing, of course, was cancer. I was diagnosed with biphenaltypic leukemia in 1997, and the three rounds of chemotherapy and bone marrow transplant I underwent to conquer that disease effectively destroyed my ovaries--or, perhaps, the eggs inside them. I only have regular periods when I'm on hormone replacements, and despite having nothing but unprotected sex throughout my seven-year marriage to Sean, we have never had so much as a miscarriage.

Through my struggles with this reality, Sean always told me to face reality, to try to be happy without my dream. Sean didn't want children; that was the second thing.

He never wanted kids. Never dreamed about it, never thought about it except when I talked about it. The most he would ever agree was that he'd accept it if I happened to get pregnant; aggressive fertility treatments and adoption simply weren't things he was interested in. There was a time when I tearfully tried to express just how important having children was to me...he was silent for a time and then said quietly, "I didn't think it was a deal-breaker."

It wasn't, of course. I knew how Sean felt when I married him. I married him because I loved and still love him, not because I expected him to give me everything I wanted. I've come to realize that Sean doesn't fully grasp how much I love him, how leaving him to pursue one of my dreams simply isn't an option.

And so, over the past ten years as I struggled with the knowledge of my infertility and had doors slammed in my face with every test, I was alone. Sean ached for me, but never with me. He wanted me to be happy. He wanted me to forget about having kids and just enjoy my life with him.

In a way, that made it a little easier. At least that way, if I couldn't give him children, I wasn't disappointing him.

But that part of the equation fell away last weekend, when Sean said, as if I'd known it all along, "I still want to have a daughter one day. Just one. Of course, with my luck, we'd end up with a boy. I'd like us to be able to have a kid, but if that's not possible...I would be okay with adoption."

We've got a lot going on right now. We're planning to move across town, and Sean's trying to get a certification and move on with his career. Once that's settled I will be undergoing elective surgery. We won't be ready to try expensive fertility treatments for a year after that.

But that's the plan now. It may be too late...or it may never have been possible. But we'll try.

And if that fails, it looks like we'll be adopting.

I honestly don't know how to feel. This isn't a too-good-to-be-true situation, but it's still so much more than I was led to expect these past ten years.

My world view, which for so long has felt so narrow, seems suddenly to have expanded. If I just turn my head, I feel like I could see it all.

But I can't bring myself to go all-in just yet. Not with all the disappointments I've already gone through.

At this point I will clamp down and allow myself only the tiniest cautious flicker of hope.

The battle within

Lately I have been struggling with things I want to do, things I need to do, things I absolutely have to do, and things I think I should do. I've been stressed and unhappy for most of this week, a striking contrast to last week, when I felt like I could do anything. I ended up burning out and crashing hard and it sucked.

I feel like I go through cycles of mood and competence. Normally it doesn't flip so fast from week to week, though.

I'm reevaluating lots of things. What do I definitely want, and how can I get it? What things do I have to do every day to make those goals happen? Is there anything I can cut out to save time and energy?

Moving to North Augusta would help--I would be able to walk or bike to work, maximizing my commute by combining it with exercise. But I doubt it will solve all my problems.

So here I am at Boll Weevil, seeking comfort in warm familiarity, settling in with a Curious George, chips, and tea.

I hope I can figure this out.

Don't run

I mentioned in my previous post that I've always had a problem properly pacing myself. Here's a little story that illustrates that fact pretty well.

My first trip to Japan in 2001 was not a leisurely excursion. We were constantly on the move and we were always walking, whether it was to explore a certain area or just to get to our next destination.

In Kyoto, we spent a day wandering through the sprawling temples and shrines of Mt. Hiei. It was long day of hiking through the mountains.

Towards the end of the day we were headed back the way we came, so we could get to a trolley that would take us back down the mountain. We came to a temple at the foot of a long flight of wide stone stairs. I was feeling good. I'd made it through the long day and felt energetic enough to tackle those steps. And so I started briskly jogging up, to make the trip to the top shorter.

Our instructor Todd and my classmate Jason, both experienced hikers, immediately yelled at me, "No! Don't run!" Startled, I slowed down as they explained: running up the stairs would take more energy than walking up them, and I'd wear myself out for the rest of the trip back.

I wasn't sure I believed this was true. At least if I ran I could get it over with, and I might even enjoy it. Plodding up the stairs seemed like a neverending trial.

Still, I did as they suggested. It turned out that after that we had longer to go to the trolley than I'd thought. By the end of our hike my legs were only moving through the sheer force of my will. The trolley ride was but a brief respite, and soon we were trudging through the streets of Kyoto. When finally we stopped at a restaurant for a meal, I was so exhausted that all I could manage to eat was a bowl of white rice.

I wondered how it would have been if I had gone ahead and run the stairs. Would I have even made it to the trolley?

I realized even then that this story was a metaphor for life, but until yesterday I hadn't applied it to my work. Now I see that I've been trying to run from 10 in the morning until 7 at night. Some days I've managed it. Some days I've stumbled. And some days I've been numb while I recovered. The end result? I've managed to excel at work, but pretty much everything else has fallen to the wayside.

I want to do more. I don't want to pass out before I even get to the trolley.

I'll just have to remember, when the urge to plow into a project consumes me, the lesson I learned on that historic mountain.

Don't run.

Living life in the long term

I've done a lot of restructuring in my life in the past several days. Obviously, my blog template has changed. I've shifted from my dated, tables-based layout to a CSS layout with an external stylesheet and content elements pulled in via PHP. It's a change I've wanted to make since 2004, and I'll be documenting the process in a later post.

While I was at it, I went ahead and changed a few other things. I gave up on Google Reader, for one. I'd always felt like I should be using it, since so many others sing its praises, and awhile back I made the switch. However, I was never happy with the way Reader's blogroll functionality worked. I shifted back primarily because that would allow me to use Bloglines' nice, organized blogroll again. But then I actually went to view my feeds in Bloglines...and something amazing happened.

I started reading.

When that happened I realized that I hadn't been reading for a very long time.

Oh, here and there I'd read a blog post in Google Reader. But mostly I'd skim the headlines and mark things as read to get them out of my sight. And I had stopped reading news completely.

Something about being in Bloglines again, seeing my feeds organized in the nice folders I'd made, gave me fresh energy. I felt comfortable, yet energized.

I read.

I read blogs. I read news. I looked at photos and paintings. I began to reconnect with my intellectual side. I'd felt vaguely that it had been absent, but up until I was actually absorbing and analyzing new information, I hadn't fully comprehended the depths of my recent superficiality.

One apparent cause behind my slow slip into mindlessness was my choice to abandon my familiar tool, Bloglines. At work the next day, I suddenly recognized another cause.

I haven't been pacing myself.

I've always had the problem of throwing myself 100% at whatever I'm doing, finishing up quickly and spectacularly. This works for some projects, like a piece of writing, or an infrequent chore. Applying this overenthusiasm to things like exercise and daily work does get a lot accomplished in the short term, but ultimately it leaves me tired, frustrated, burned out, trapped.

I realized that if I want to improve myself, I have to slow down and give myself the gifts of time and energy. I can't leave work tired, brainless, unable to do much of anything besides zonk out in front of the TV. There's no room in a life like that for my personal projects: reading, writing, photography, building ideas, getting healthy. There's no enjoyment in a life like that.

I have to start looking at the things I need to accomplish, all of them, including work, in the long term. I have to step back and evaluate priorities, and string them out along a timeline in a reasonable manner--a manner that gives me some breathing room.

I've been reading more, writing more, and thinking more lately. I've also been happy. It's not the euphoria that leads to a depressive crash, either. It's a general sense of wellness, of purpose. It's the desire to better myself, and the confidence that I can do it.

This is how I want to continue living.

Pain

My mother-in-law had a back injury when she was in her late teens/early 20s that has caused problems for her ever since. Things have gotten progressively worse for her over the years. She has had multiple neck and back surgeries. As it stands now, she is in so much pain that she can't sleep. There is no comfortable position. She can barely go anywhere. Just getting ready to leave exhausts her. Her hands continually shake.

She underwent physical therapy for months, including traction, massage, the application of heat and cold, and electrostimulation. She says these things weren't much help at all. What does help are shots administered by a pain specialist, but either they are done inaccurately (without the use of X-ray) or accurately with the risk of blood clots. And the shots are very expensive. In her condition she can't work.

Her doctors refuse to prescribe pain medicine any stronger than Tylenol, for fear of addiction.

She saw her neurologist this week and got the strong impression that there's nothing more that can be done for her.

This is wrong. No one should have to live like this.

I don't know what to do or how to help.

I hate this

I've fallen out of all my good habits. It only took a couple of weeks to destroy several months' work. I'm not exercising much at all and I'm eating crap. I feel like I'm stuck in a cycle of unhealthiness and depression. Whenever I try to start fresh, whether using Weight Watchers or something else, I find myself slipping up almost immediately.

I hate this.

Obese people are people too

Canada has ruled that people who require two airline seats can have them without paying extra.

The high court declined to hear an appeal by Canadian airlines of a decision by the Canadian Transportation Agency that people who are "functionally disabled by obesity" deserve to have two seats for one fare.

My friend posted to Twitter, "This is kind of ridiculous. If you're wide enough for a second seat, you ought to pay for it."

He doesn't believe he's being unfair, because he's one of the people who might be affected by this sort of ruling. However, there is a fundamental fallacy in his argument, and that is

Obese people don't have the same rights as people at lower weights.

If you think of each airline seat as a commodity, it seems unfair for one person to get two while others only get one for the same price. But that's not really what's going on here. The obese person isn't enjoying a luxurious extra seat, with room to lounge or lie down or spread out. The obese person is simply getting enough room to actually sit down. To say that a person must pay extra for a seat because they require more room is nothing more than prejudice. Should a person in a wheelchair pay extra for the room her chair takes up?

This brings me to another fundamental fallacy. This fallacy is what breathes life into the first.

Obese people choose to be obese.

How many obese people do you know who say, "I love being obese! I wouldn't change a thing about myself!" I doubt you know anyone who says that. No, what an obese person is more likely to say is, "I'm obese because I'm lazy and don't eat right."

That argument may or may not be true. I'm not trying to diminish the importance of personal responsibility for one's health. But the fact of the matter is, our society makes it ridiculously difficult to escape obesity.

We are less active

We hardly have to walk anywhere. We drive our cars straight up to the buildings we want to enter, even if they're right next door. There's a negative connotation associated with walking. When you see a person walking down the street, do you think, "Oh, how healthy!" or do you think, "What a vagrant! Get a job!" Yes, there is laziness involved here. But our country's transportation fundamentals--the way we organize how we get from place to place--are heavily skewed against healthy options.

We have evolved into car-addicts. We zone our towns so that it's often impossible to commute by any way other than car. While large cities may have subways or buses, these seem to have a negative connotation. Smaller cities may or may not have public transportation, and certainly not enough to make switching a viable choice for most people. The "ideal" is to have your own car and drive it everywhere.

We also have an obsession with "convenience" and "efficiency". Americans have always been about innovating in order to save time and money. It somehow seems more efficient to us to drive everywhere than use other methods of transportation. It's certainly more convenient. We can carry more things in a car, and we can stay cool in the summer and warm in the winter. We can drive right up to wherever we're going and be inside in a flash.

Our transportation issue has evolved into a self-feeding cycle. We drive everywhere because city planners zone commercial and residential far away from each other, because we like the convenience of driving and the "safety" of neighborhoods secluded from commerce. We can't stop driving everywhere easily, even if we want to. It takes too long to get to places by foot or bike. It's less safe. And we don't have any other options, except perhaps a bus that doesn't quite go where we need it to.

We don't eat right

This point hardly needs to be made. Everyone knows by now that human beings are not supposed to eat as much as we eat here in America, and certainly not the types of food we eat. The majority of us are built to store fat to keep us from starving when times are rough. As many have noted, though, our cheapest food items nowadays are the ones that are the worst for us. It's harder to eat fresh vegetables because we often don't have time to cook, so we pick up something quick (and loaded with fat and salt) and the veggies go bad in the fridge.

Why don't we have time to cook, if everything is supposedly so convenient? Because we don't actually save any time doing things the way we do them. We sit in the car driving to work on the other side of town. We sit around for 8 to 12 hours trying to make more money. Instead of setting convenience as a means to an end--a healthy, joyful life--we've made convenience our goal.

Our relationships, just like our health, suffer because it's inefficient to spend time working on them.

"I deserve it"

The sheer amount of time, energy, and money it would take for an obese person to work themselves down to a healthy size are the reasons more of them (us) aren't doing it. We basically have to fight basic precepts of our society. We have to teach ourselves that convenience is not good. We have to teach ourselves that it's okay to spend more money. We have to teach ourselves to spend less time on things we enjoy so we have more time to exercise. And all of these things run completely counter to the "pursuit of happiness" we are indoctrinated into growing up.

We're told we can do whatever we want, whenever we want. That this is our privilege as Americans. We believe that we have a right to convenience. We have a culture of entitlement, and if things don't go our way we feel it's perfectly acceptable to pitch a fit. These underlying assumptions feed our quest for more, more, more, now, now, now, whether that be a faster route to school than walking or the bus, or as much food as we can scarf for the least amount of money.

We are, essentially, training ourselves to be lazy in all things--making it appealing to be selfish and miserable.

The inverse

Many of us recognize this sense of entitlement in ourselves and others and find it repulsive. We don't want a handout, we'll say. We don't want special treatment. We want to be treated like everyone else.

The problem is, sometimes we go too far. We'll state that it's only fair that obese people pay for as many seats as they need, for example, because they shouldn't get more of anything than anyone else. We'll buy into a logical fallacy because we don't want to be identified with our gluttonous society.

Obesity is not something we can turn off like a light switch. It is a fundamental problem in our society that everyone--individuals, businesses, and government--needs to work together to eliminate. But while we're working on it, the fact of the matter is, people are going to be obese.

Obese people are people too

Giving a person a chair that is the right size is not special treatment. It is not saying, "You are entitled to be obese." It is saying, "I want you to be just as comfortable as everyone else."

Marginalizing people due to their size ignores the fact that obesity, for many people, is not a choice. Poor education, societal pressures, convenience and "efficiency", genes, the slow death of the community, and factors we may not even be aware of yet have all combined to thrust Americans into an unhappy, unhealthy world. We can no longer simply blame the fat guy for being fat. We have to take a hard look at everything we do as a society.

We need to educate. We need to reform our transportation system. We need to offer more healthy options. We need to put an emphasis back on communities, on taking care of each other. We need to do all of these things and more to get ourselves back on track.

And in the meantime, we need to treat the ones who are affected most with the same dignity and respect we give everyone else. No more...and no less.

Thoughtdump

Twitter is performing database maintenance. How am I supposed to regale you with snippets of useless information about my day?

Oh, that's right, I have a blog.

I'm in that discontented mood that I seem to get a lot. Usually I need to make some sort of proactive life change, or at least come up with some plans to do so, in order to shake the mood. Unfortunately, one change I had wanted to make has been vetoed--I had hoped to set up a treadmill at my work station, but the higher-ups don't like the idea. I don't know if they thought I wanted to jog, and get all sweaty, or what. All I really wanted was to stay moving, at 1 mph or less, rather than sitting all day. I'm considering asking if I can just raise my desk so that I stand all day instead. We'll see.

I've been thinking a lot about my poor blog, and how I keep neglecting it. I think I want to give myself writing assignments and stick to a posting schedule, at least for awhile. I also want to get better about reading more.

A big problem is that I don't want to spend a lot of time sitting around--which of course is why I wanted a treadmill at work. So I am thinking about ways I can incorporate exercise into the typically stationary activities I do at home.

Sean's been wanting to move our computers into the second bedroom (which is what I wanted from the beginning, but whatever ;>), so I'm thinking about what I could do in there. Maybe a treadmill desk; maybe a desk that can be used with my bike on its stand; maybe something that can do both.

These days, when I get home I don't feel like doing anything productive. I'll get online and read a few things or watch TV until bedtime. I think having a regular desk instead of using the coffee table would help. You have to kind of settle in to really work on a computer, and leaning over from the couch or sitting on the floor kind of precludes that. So hopefully the move to the second bedroom will help too.

A friend mentioned yesterday that someone he knows has lost weight by making small changes, like not sitting down when he watches TV. I have used the Free Step on the Wii Fit while watching TV before, so I think I'll try to keep doing that. (Unfortunately it maxes out at 30 minutes, at which point I have to change input back to the Wii and turn it off or start it over.)

I'm hoping I can get to the point where some sort of activity is built into everything I do...and I'm hoping that that will give me the energy to do even more things. I'm always talking about being tired of being in a rut, but I never seem to actually try to get out of it. Part of it is a lack of motivation, part of it is not having the right tools, and part of it is just not being sure of what I want to do. I can at least solve that last problem by thinking about it, by going ahead and trying different things and seeing what sticks.

Another thing I really want to do is find and stick to a good calendar/project organization system. I want to be able to track what I'm doing and what I need to do, to pat myself on the back and keep myself on track. I want to accomplish things that take longer than a day.

Here's hoping I can figure something out about all this.

7 Random or Weird Facts

I have been tagged by Chuck...and you all know how much I love being tagged :D It's taken me a month to get around to it. I may be slow, but I do get things done eventually!

Here are the rules:

1. Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog.

2. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog; some random, some weird.

3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.

4. Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

It gets harder and harder over the years to come up with unique things. But I'll do my best!

FACT 1: I used to have a lot of trouble forming social relationships. I rarely looked people in the eye. I was so afraid of looking stupid that I never reached out to anyone. If a person latched on to me, I latched back, regardless of whether or not the relationship was healthy. It took a long time for me to break the cycle. I still have trouble with either being too aloof or too involved. But now I'm outgoing and even snarky. The internet really helped--being able to have real conversations with people without all the face-to-face distractions made me crave that kind of connection in all my relationships. My current job has also been a blessing. I meet so many new people each year that I just about have to be sociable. All in all, I'm really happy with where I am now.

FACT 2: I suffer from a completely illogical guilt complex. When I got cancer, I felt guilty that my parents had to pay for my treatment and make my car payment while I couldn't work. When our apartment burned down, I felt guilty that I had ever married Sean in the first place, because after all, if he'd never met me, he wouldn't have been living there, so he would still have all his stuff. And I felt guilty that family members had given me hand-me-downs and they'd all been destroyed. When I discovered Magazine Man's identity, I felt guilty for the way I'd done it, even though dozens of people figured it out that way...and that guilt has made it hard for me to relate to him, to this day.

You may not believe this, but I'm better--at least a little bit--than I used to be. When I have to give up on something, when I don't have time or circumstances change, I don't beat myself up about it nearly as much as I used to. But it's still a problem for me.

FACT 3: I only have one mole. It's on my stomach. And it doesn't stick out or anything, so it may as well be a huge freckle. I have lots of freckles.

FACT 4: The big toe on my right foot sticks out more than the one on my left. It's hard for me to move it inwards. The other one moves back and forth just fine.

FACT 5: I am always having ideas, often for websites, for things that I think would be cool to design--not just graphically, but organizationally. But the thought of maintaining those things usually deters me. I think my strength lies in setting things up, and then letting other people use them.

FACT 6: I can, and do, pop almost every joint on my body.

FACT 7: I love rotenburos. A rotenburo is an outdoor Japanese bath. Yes, you go into it naked, with other people around. I've never gone to a co-ed onsen, but I honestly think I would try it. I think this is due to a random fact we'll call 7A: when I'm not wearing my glasses, I'm less self-conscious about how I look.

There you go, Chuck! Sorry it took so long!

Update: I realized after posting that I totally forgot to tag others. I tag: Brooke, Mari, Charles, and Kayo. I realize that's not seven, but I don't read a lot of blogs, and of the ones I do read most have already done this questionnaire recently. So if there's someone out there I didn't name who wants to do this, let me know in the comments :)

I'm back, baby

I went to Riverwalk for a walk during my break today, as I've been trying to get in the habit of doing. I've been going there intermittently just to look around, but since I got serious with my exercise habits I've been trying to do more. Today, for the first time, I tried jogging. Also for the first time, I went around twice.

My first lap, I jogged as much as I could, striding briskly in between. I used my iPhone's stopwatch to see how I did: 19:26.9.

For the second lap, I was quite winded, so I resolved to walk it and see how long that took. While striding along, I held my arms straight out, then straight up; then I did curls up and out to the side; then I did some punches. I was trying to simultaneously stay focused and give my arms a workout. It worked! The stopwatch says my walking time was 22:16.8.

Obviously I have a long way to go to improve my jogging. I've never been much of a runner. I always got a stitch in my side, even when I was at my best physical condition--back during the kung fu years. Today that didn't happen, but I did get pretty winded after what I consider brief periods of jogging.

But the point is I tried, and now I have a time I can work on beating.

I headed back to work feeling almost giddy. Working out hard like that is such a good feeling. I need to always hold on to that fact so I will keep doing it.

As I hung my sweat-soaked clothes on the back of the door to dry, I remembered: I used to do this. I used to get all sweaty at lunch and hang up my clothes afterwards. Back when I first started working here, I was in total explore-mode and would walk all around the area. After awhile I got out of the habit, and then I always felt that it would be so inconvenient to bring workout clothes every day, and get sweaty and then have to keep working with no time for a shower.

I don't feel that way anymore. I've been bringing workout clothes every day for weeks now, whether I actually use them or not. It's become a habit. And today's rush of good feeling proved to me that being sweaty is hardly worth worrying about.

I think I've finally purged some pretty self-destructive habits, and built some constructive ones. :)

Lifestyle changes

My attitude towards health and weight loss changed drastically after I was encouraged to get an ICD. Part of it was that I hadn't yet found the right tools, but I also don't think I had been taking my health nearly as seriously as I should.

It's been over a month since I committed myself to a healthier lifestyle. I joined Weight Watchers, I bought exercise videos that I actually enjoy doing, and I started forming better habits.

Here, in list format, are some of my achievements.

Good Things I've Been Doing

• Following a morning routine.
• Working out each and every day.
• Not splurging on food, but not denying myself what I want, either.
• Eating out less.
• Packing lunches more.
• Weighing myself every day.
• Going to bed at the same time every night.

Things I Refuse to Allow Myself to Do

• Give up on my quest for better health.
• Lose the ability to squat.
• Eat whatever I want, whenever I want.
• Not work out because I don't "feel like it".
• Have to size up my wedding ring.
• Lose flexibility.
• Be down on myself.
• Focus more on the past than on my current achievements.

I have a long way to go, but I am going to get there. I am not going to shoot myself in the foot. I am going to stay focused on my goals and I am going to do everything I can to reach them.

My most immediate goal is to avoid the ICD. I'm hoping by the end of August my heart will have recovered enough that my doctor won't think it's necessary anymore. This may not be possible. If I have to have an ICD, I have to have an ICD. But I'm going to do whatever I can do to avoid it before I have to make that decision.

My long-term goal is, of course, to get down to a healthy weight. I'm not ruling out any options. Obesity runs in my family, and it may very well be that I can't beat this without surgical assistance. But I am not going to have my intestines rerouted without doing everything I can do first.

This month has been a great start. It's going to get harder from here, and down the road. But I refuse to give up.

It's not "I'm not giving up this time". There hasn't actually been a time when I have been this motivated. In the past when I've tried to lose weight I've always lacked a true commitment, always let either my eating habits or my exercise--or both!--slide. So this is really the first time I've ever made a concerted effort to be healthy.

It's going to be the last time, too, because I'm going to stay this way for the rest of my life.

One week down

My first week of Weight Watchers is over, and I've lost 3.4 pounds.

I'm at such a high weight, and my weight has fluctuated so much, that 3.4 pounds doesn't seem like all that much. Most crap diets have you losing 10 pounds the first week. But I'm taking heart from this. First of all, Weight Watchers isn't a crap diet; it's a lifestyle change. I have been shocked by my eating habits this past week. I never really thought about how many times I feel "hungry" in a given day. This week I learned how to wait.

Secondly, 3.4 pounds is an achievement. I've actually been checking my weight every day, and it has consistently gone down this week. That's not always going to be the case, but it has been helpful in keeping me going so far. It's not really healthy to lose more than a couple pounds a week, and I want to do this in a healthy way.

I slipped up several times this week--there were days I went over my point limit--but Weight Watchers gives you extra points each week, and I didn't use all of those up. My crowning achievement has to be last night, when I had enough points left for dessert, but decided I wasn't hungry and didn't have any. (!)

I really feel that this is something I can stick with, and that is largely due to Weight Watchers' online tools. A few years ago I purchased Diet Power, and it did everything I could possibly want to help me diet...it tracked not only calories, but pretty much everything, and auto-adjusted based on weight loss and how much you ate and exercised. But it's a desktop application, with no web version. To have it with you anywhere, you had to export your data and take it with you, then install the application wherever you were and import your data. I typically only used Diet Power at home, which meant that I wasn't checking throughout the day to make sure I was on track. The software also took up a lot of processing power, so I'd tend to leave it off and then forget about using it.

Weight Watchers doesn't track everything Diet Power tracks, but it tracks what matters. Maybe not tracking every single mineral is a good thing. I like that I can input foods with just three values: calories, total fat, and fiber. I don't have to know, for example, how much iron there is. It's something less to worry about. And the food database is quite robust; often I don't have to add the item I'm eating, because it's already there.

But the best part is, of course, that I can get to the site from any computer with internet access, which means I can stay on track all day. Weight Watchers seems to have many more online tools I can use, too, as I get adjusted.

I'm doing well so far with tracking points and sticking to my limit. I'm going to focus on that this week as well. But I'm also going to try to increase the number of times I work out. I only exercised a few days last week; I'm going to shoot for every day this week.

Every time I've tried to lose weight in the past, I've failed. But I cannot afford to give up this time. There's too much at stake.

And I want to achieve this. I want to know that if I stick to a plan over time, I can accomplish great things. There is so much I want to do with my life, but if I don't get over this fear of commitment I seem to have, I never will.

Things can change, if you work for it

Last year, before I was diagnosed with congestive heart failure, I got exhausted walking just a few feet. When I went to Augusta's Riverwalk to enjoy the scenery and take pictures, I had to stop and sit down every couple of minutes. The idea of walking all the way from one end to the other and back seemed ludicrous. I didn't know when I'd gotten so out of shape, but it felt like no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't build up any strength.

It's been six months since I was diagnosed. Heart medicine has helped my heart rebuild itself--not completely, but about halfway. I've found myself feeling better and better. Other than some weird symptoms in my left eye--an intermittent, enveloping blurriness, a higher level of irritability, and lately a weird flashing in the periphery--I feel good. I feel normal. I've been able to walk farther and farther, and do aerobics, and ride my bike again.

I knew I was doing well when I walked the North Augusta Greeneway with Brooke and felt like I could keep going forever. But it didn't really hit me how much I've improved until I went to Riverwalk on Thursday. Without feeling tired in the least, I walked the full length and then walked back...and the only reason I ever sat down was because I'd foolishly chosen to wear sandals instead of sneakers.

I can't describe how that difference makes me feel. I'm an extremely independent-minded person, and stubborn to boot, and not being able to walk even short distances had a huge effect on my personal happiness. I hated it. I hated life, and I hated myself, and I felt helpless to change it.

That diagnosis was the best thing that could have happened to me.

A lot of people are scared to go to the doctor because they're afraid of what they might find out. They'd rather keep going along, blissfully ignorant.

If that's you...take it from me. Please don't. Please go to the doctor.

You may get a scary diagnosis, sure. But you may also find out that there's treatment, and that you can live a normal life again. You can be strong again. You can do the things you want to do again.

When you do go to the doctor, don't let them make a snap diagnosis. Bring notes. Tell them all your symptoms. Tell them how your quality of life has changed. My doctor wouldn't have even thought of heart failure if it hadn't been for my mom reminding him that I used to bike for hours.

And once you have that diagnosis, don't run away from it. Do everything your doctor says. Don't stop taking your meds when you start to feel better. Don't skip appointments with your doctor, or stop going entirely. Keep a journal of how you're feeling, and make note of any new symptoms, and let your doctor know. It's a hassle, and it might make you feel resentful...but that's still better than losing your ability to function, and dying too soon.

Make a commitment to enjoy life. You have things you want to do, don't you? Do them. And do what your doctor says so that you're able to do the things you want to do. Take charge of your health, and take care of yourself. You'll feel better.

I certainly do.

My previous post title is apropos

It turns out it wasn't a black and white issue. I thought it would be one of two possible outcomes; it never occurred to me that there'd be one in the middle.

My heart has recovered...some. My ejection fraction is now 35. An average person's EF is over 55. My doctor says this is good news, but she still recommends the implanted cardioverter-defibrillator. However, the decision is up to me.

Dr. G explained to me that when they implant the ICD, they purposefully put you into V-fib to see if it works. If not, they shock you the old-fashioned way to keep you from dying, and then change the settings.

That kind of bothered me. If I haven't gone into V-fib ever, it seems to me like putting me into it intentionally only increases the chances that it will happen again.

When I got home I read about the procedure to implant the ICD and what recovery is like. Obviously it involves surgery. The surgeon creates a "pocket" under the collarbone, like they do for a pacemaker, and a lead (or three) goes down a vein to the heart. You're not put all the way under, but there is a sedative.

As with any surgery, I imagine there's a chance of death during the procedure.

If I do this, I will have a device stuck in my body that will be noticeable through the skin. Plus I'll have a scar. Plus, they pretty much never remove these things, even if you get better.

If I don't do this, and I ever do go into V-fib, or my heart is otherwise irregular, I won't have anything to save me from sudden cardiac death.

The issue, to my way of thinking, is whether or not I am in grave danger of my heartbeat becoming irregular or stopping. This may just be the heart meds talking, or my complete lack of desire to undergo surgery again...but I don't feel like I am. I think my heart has improved a great deal in the almost six months since I was diagnosed, and I believe it will continue to improve. I think that if I had worked harder to improve my diet and exercise, it would be better than it is...and I think if I work on those areas now, I can help it improve even more.

At this point, I feel like waiting and seeing what happens.

I have an appointment next month with the doctor who does the procedure, then a follow-up with Dr. G in July. By then it will have been eight months since my diagnosis.

Some heart patients apparently wait nine months to see if their heart has recovered, so why not wait that extra month and then have another echo before I undergo life-altering surgery?

That's basically where I am right now. Obviously, I'm going to talk with more people and learn as much as I can, to try and make the most informed choice.

Okay, how about this?

I've lived with Apartment Arrangement Option 5 for two weeks now...and I've decided I hate it.

My goal was to create comfortable home bases for me and Sean while expanding seating areas for visitors. What ended up happening was Sean would sit on my couch to play video games or watch DVDs. If you remember, I moved his area to be against the wall. That ended up being fine for using his laptops, but not for just relaxing, so he'd lounge out on the big couch when he wanted to do that. I like sitting next to him, don't get me wrong, but if he feels like stretching out, there's no room for me.

Another problem is that the loveseat, along the wall next to him, became a dumping ground for stuff while serving zero purpose in terms of seating. It turns out it's just awkwardly placed, with no decent views of anything.

Yesterday I came home to find Sean and his dad sitting on my couch, and that made me fully realize how inconvenient the layout is. The couch offers the best view of the TV, so obviously guests would want to sit there...meaning I probably get cut off from my laptop, which I don't really like moving around.

It didn't solve the problems after all; it just shifted them.

I'd been unhappy for days, but that galvanized my need to do something. So I went back to my Photoshop file and messed around some more. A lot more. Until eventually, finally, I came up with Apartment Arrangement Option 10, a revision of Option 5.

See how Sean and I will have our own departmentalized seating areas? But we can both move to the main couch, directly in front of the TV, and snuggle together if we want. It's the best I could do, given our ridiculously narrow living room with its inconvenient doors and bizarro closet jutting into the room.

Sean's agreed to try it, but he said "Not today". ;> So we'll see how this does, here in a couple of days. Wish us luck :>

A nice community

I really like where we live. It's very convenient to all the west Augusta amenities, but because it's back away from main roads, it feels secluded and private, and people here are typically friendly. I'm not sure I know of any other community like this in the area. There are nice, quiet places on the outskirts, of course, but none so convenient to everything that I can think of.

At one time I was convinced that I wanted to move, but I've made the apartment more homey since then and I really can't think of anywhere else I would want to live at the moment. Even North Augusta, where I have wanted to live for some time, can't really offer me the privacy and convenience that this place can.

That said, I do wish our community had sidewalks...and bike trails would be awesome. I would also like it if there was a grocery store within walking or biking distance. Technically Kroger is not all that far, but I'm not sure I would feel safe biking on skinny Flowing Wells Road.

I have an idea for an ideal community that someday, when I have money to invest, I'd like to develop.

Final office layout

Here it is: the second best possible configuration for my office. (I can't do the first best configuration because the cables and internet jacks are all on the wrong side of the room.)

The floor plan.


View from the door leading to the north side of the building. Speaking of wires...I'm thinking of covering them with a curtain.


My workspace.


View from the door leading to the south side of the building.


View from that same door, looking straight over my desk.


View from the north side door again.

So far I really like the new layout. People have plenty of room to walk, and I don't have people coming up behind me all the time. I think this'll work!

Previously: Office Evolution

Even More Previously: Transition and What can I say, I like moving furniture.

Edit: Added floor plan and captions.

Daily routine

Here's a list of things I would like to get done during the course of a day.

Morning, ideally:

-do a full stretching routine
-go for a walk or work out in some other way
-shower and put on makeup
-eat breakfast
-pack lunches
-do freelance work for an hour and a half (two or three days a week)
-work on writing/AMRN stuff
-plan, prepare, and shop for dinner
-mess around online or watch videos for 15-30 mins (I always tend to do this in the morning, so why not plan for it?)

Lunchtime:

-eat lunch while working
-go on a walk or work out at the Y during actual lunch hour

Evening:

-cook and eat dinner
-ride the bike (on its stand)
-relax

I am going to go ahead and post this, but it's incomplete. I need to figure out how long each morning thing would take me and how early I would have to get up to accomplish it all. I think the writing and freelance work would have to be on alternate days, but even then would it be practical? Because I have to start working out in the morning regularly; there is just no way I can't.

Also, I obviously can't try to start doing everything at once after I've nailed down a routine. I'll have to come up with a good plan and then start adding each item one at a time every week or two. I'm already set to start freelance this Friday, so I guess that'll be the first thing.

I did it!

Okay, I guess getting up at 6:30 am was an anomaly, because it certainly didn't happen today. However, something very awesome happened instead.

I wore the CPAP all night!

I still woke up a couple times with a cough, and finally I put a cough drop in my mouth. After that I woke up one more time--at around 6 o'clock--and then passed out again until my alarm went off at 8.

The last time I woke up, I wondered if the CPAP was working properly, because I didn't feel overwhelmed at all by the air. I even checked all the tubing to make sure. There didn't seem to be anything wrong. I think I had just finally adjusted to how it felt over the course of the evening.

Rock on!

I'm not going to assume I'll be this successful tonight, because that would just be setting myself up for disappointment, but I do consider this a major step towards fully adjusting. I look forward to the nights when I wear the mask the whole time and don't wake up at all!

Good morning!

Last night I went to bed at around 10:30 or 11. I was able to fall asleep with the CPAP on. Once I woke up with a horrible tickle in the back of my throat that made me keep coughing. I turned the humidifier back down to 2 and that seemed to help, oddly. Another time I woke up and took the mask off, then I woke up again later and put it back on. Finally I woke up a third time with my throat really dry so I took it off for the rest of the night. Since I was half-asleep most of the time, I didn't check my clock, so I don't know how long I actually wore the mask last night.

I started to wake up around 6, and dozed until around 6:30, when I finally got up. I just didn't feel the need to be in bed anymore. This is remarkable because for the last week or so I have barely been able to get out of bed. Yesterday, for example, I stayed for as long as I possibly could--until 9:15, which is 15 minutes before I leave for work.

But today I didn't want to sleep anymore, so I got up and read my webcomics and checked out a couple of blogs. Then the sun was up enough that I thought I might take a walk outside, so I did.

It was about 35 degrees out, so I put on workout pants that I thought were warm enough, a shirt, and a sweater. I did not wear my gloves, though I should have, and I don't think I even own a hat anymore, so I went bareheaded.

As a result of being so underdressed (I'm not used to the cold anymore!), I wasn't able to stay out long, just 15 minutes. But I felt like I could have continued, so when I got back inside I hopped on my bike, which is propped up on a resistance stand in the second bedroom, and rode for ten minutes. As I rode I thought about ways I could get a TV into that room so I won't be bored stiff when I'm exercising.

It wasn't a huge workout, but it was enough to build up a sweat, and I feel pretty darn good.

I'm going to try to keep this up all week. Also, since I'm taking my lunch today, I might see about a brief walk during my break as well.

For now, breakfast, then shower, then lunch-packing. Whee!