I am the "maid of honor"; plus, a quiz for You.

I've made breakfast for my husband two days in a row. Where I come from, that's an accomplishment. That means...it's time for a crap post! (Yes, you guessed it, more quizzes. Sorry, AJ.)

First up:

Appreciated for your kindness and envied for all your experience, you are The Maid of Honor.

Charismatic, affectionate, and terrific in relationships, you are what many guys would call a "perfect catch"--and you probably have many admirers, each wishing to capture your long-term love. You're careful, extra careful, because the last thing you want is to hurt anyone. Especially some poor boy whose only crime was liking you.

We've deduced you're fully capable of a dirty fling, but you do feel that post-coital attachment after hooking up. So, conscientious person that you are, you do your best to reserve physical affection for those you respect...so you can respect yourself.

Your biggest negative is the byproduct of your careful nature: indecision. You're just as slow rejecting someone as you are accepting them.

Take this quiz!

I don't know about you, but I think my personality rocks. XD

Up next: This isn't actually a quiz for me. It's a quiz for you. Go on, people. Tell me what you really think!

1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
2. Am I loveable?
3. How long have you known me?
4. When and how did we first meet?
5. What was your first impression?
6. Do you still think that way about me now?
7. What do you think my weakness is?
8. Do you think I'll get married?
9. What makes me happy?
10. What makes me sad?
11. What reminds you of me?
12. If you could give me anything what would it be?
13. How well do you know me?
14. When's the last time you saw me?
15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
16. Do you think I could kill someone?
17. Describe me in one word.
18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same?
19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
20. Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?

I wouldn't have done this one if Dawn hadn't done it. After I filled hers out, I got all intrigued, and now I'm wondering what you guys will say. I'm not going to email this to people and beg them to fill it out. This is completely voluntary. So if you feel like it, dump your answers in the comments.

Throwing out his life like garbage

Yesterday outside the UN High Commissioner for Refugees (UNHCR) building in Jalan Bukit Petaling, Malaysia, a man set himself on fire. He died nine hours later at the Kuala Lumpur Hospital. (Link - careful, there's a picture.)

I mention this only because the UNHCR is where Dawn works. Truthfully, I'm only writing because of the picture in that news article. You don't normally see pictures of people on fire. It made the event more real to me.

Regardless, I feel emotionally detached from the whole thing. I don't know much about the man, but there are plenty of people more desperate than him who did not feel the need to set themselves ablaze. I suppose my take on this is the following: he had the one thing we truly possess in this world, a life, and he chose to throw it away. He's not worth any further consideration.

Double dactyl

I must, at some point, write a double dactyl. It looks like so much fun. :D

Redoing my website, plus some links

One of the things I definitely want to do is revamp my website. I would like a nice dynamic site with comment options directly available, plus other things like "what I'm reading" features, polls, and all that other stuff that you find on nice websites. I would install PHP-Nuke or something similar, but my current hosting plan doesn't allow for that. I'm going to be seriously thinking about upgrading my service plan or switching hosts in the near future. (More webspace for photos and the like would be nice...)

In the meantime, I wanted to post up some links that I've found interesting lately. A lot of these came to me through BoingBoing, a blog I've been reading a lot the past few months.

The History of the DeCSS Haiku - until today I had no idea what the DeCSS Haiku--or the DeCSS, for that matter--even was. A great read.

A Call for the Complete Elimination of Joke Haiku Production on the Internet - This topic is very near and dear to the heart of this writing and Japan geek. For I don't know how long I've bemoaned the English adaptation of the haiku. It's impossible to write a 17 syllable poem in English and pack in the sheer amount of meaning in a 17 syllable poem in Japanese, due partially to the differences in units of language and partially to the fact that Japanese kanji (Chinese characters) can carry many meanings, a phenomenon that is impossible to replicate in English.

Confessions of a Car Salesman at Edmunds.com - I truly enjoyed reading this article yesterday. It was interesting to read about how another shy, "invisible" person translated himself into one of the most outgoing and aggressive personalities I can think of. It made me start to wonder if I, too, couldn't make this leap, and sell cars like a pro.

My senses returned to me a few hours later.

Joel on Software: Getting Your Resume Read - L. O. L. I've been reading a lot of sites (mostly linked from MSN or Yahoo!) on how to write a good resume, get hired, etc. This one covers the basics. As a bonus, it's funny.

Eventually, when I get around to redoing my website, I'm going to link to all the blogs and things that I read daily. Until then, I thought I'd mention Sushicam again, just 'cause.

I'll add one final link for now. Zuma is controlling my life. (Damn you, Tycho!)

(...okay, so that was two links...)

Here I go

I've been thinking about the purpose of this blog. Originally I just wanted a space to record my thoughts and experiences, and maybe eventually start posting photography and short stories. In the meantime, I've basically just rambled about silly things and taken online personality tests. While some of the things I've written about have merit, ultimately I don't feel that I'm growing in any measurable way.

Part of this is because my life is at a standstill. I don't have a job, or at least not a challenging job that broadens my horizons or even takes up much of my time. I'm not attending school. And instead of making good use of all my free time, I spend my days puttering around the Internet, reading blogs and forums, chatting, playing games, watching anime, and otherwise wasting time. I haven't even seriously read a novel in a long time (though I have started on Master and Commander--just made it to Chapter Three today). The most I can claim is that I keep the apartment clean, and even that seems to be a struggle some days.

There are things I want to accomplish. I want to increase my Japanese vocabulary, kanji included. I want to be a voracious reader, like I used to be. I want to write short stories. I want to take photos. I want to try my hand at drawing again. But recently, I've come to realize that I have another wish, something that has been churning just beneath the surface for years.

I want to have opinions.

I am, much to the dismay of friends and family, a career fence-straddler. This is partially because I don't like to make decisions without getting as much information as possible, and partially because I never bother to get the information. The second bit is what I'm concerned about.

For years, I've believed, or thought I believed, that I didn't have to learn certain things. That I could focus my attention on fun stuff and get along just fine. I didn't despair too much over bad grades in college, because I figured those subjects just weren't my calling. I thought that if I really wanted to do something, I would do it, so if I found myself failing somewhere, it was just because I didn't feel like doing it. Somehow that made it okay.

But it's becoming evident that I'm not even doing the things I want to do. This isn't a matter of not having the desire. It's something else. Fear of failure? Short attention span? Lack of organizational skills? (I used to believe I was a good organizer. The truth is that I am good at organizing. They are two very different things. One involves having the ability to organize, and one involves actually doing it.)

I keep thinking that I need someone else to tell me where to go. That I need to go back to school so that I'll have a hard and fast direction for my studies. That I need a job in my field so that I can improve along a set course. But I know that even if I did these things, I would be unhappy. No one can decide the right road for me but me. Instead of waiting for someone to come along and tell me what to do, I need to start setting goals for myself, and then actually working to achieve them.

Watching my brothers work towards their goal of being signed musicians and reading the daily testimonials and essays from FlyLady have made me start to think that I can actually do things on my own. FlyLady is concerned primarily with keeping a house in order, but the methods--breaking tasks into smaller parts, establishing routines, babysteps, limiting--can all be extrapolated to anything else. The big thing I have to keep in mind, the monkey on the back that FlyLady preaches against over and over, is

I DON'T HAVE TO DO IT PERFECT THE FIRST TIME.

I don't even have to do it all the first time. In fact, it's better if I don't. It's best if I start small, get used to the new routine, and then add more things.

The first thing I am going to need to do is create my own Control Journal--a FlyLady staple. All it is is a binder with my daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly routines that I build slowly over time, expanding as necessary. I have procrastinated about putting it together for far too long.

Once I have the Control Journal, I need to establish morning and evening routines for myself. Then...I just work to stick to the routines for a month. No adding. No fretting about all the work that isn't getting done, because it hasn't been getting done for years now. I just need to get used to a routine. That is my biggest hangup.

I can do this. I want to improve myself. I want to be happy. I want to be moving forward.

Here I go.

Which Characteristic From the Samurai Code Matches You Best?

Honor: You are an honorable person who is firm with his/her beliefs and treats others as you are treated. People would consider you humble at times and very respectful, and someone to definitely respect back. Which Characteristic From the Samurai Code Matches You Best? (You may find out your best trait) brought to you by Quizilla

Hmm. Think it's true?

Patching holes in the dam

Vertigo said something interesting to me last night.

[20:04:36] <Vertigo_V3> now that I think of it, maybe making you Admin might not have been the best for you. You sound more like you want to create (in this case, write) storyline, more than enforce storyline and continuity

I can agree that half of that is true. Enforcing storyline and continuity has been annoying. Not because I hate organizing--I love organizing!--but because it seems that whenever I suggest an opinion, everyone assumes it is law and the discussion ends. I don't know if it is my position that causes that, or laziness on the part of the other GMs.

They are lazy. We all are. And this is another sticking point for me. I hate coming up with a plan of action only to have it fail because I'm the only one working on it.

The second part of Vertigo's comment, though, is not entirely correct. At this point, I can't imagine wanting to write story. I think it's because I can't stand working in a system that can be improved. It grates on me, little by little, until it is fixed.

That is really why and how I became Admin in the first place. It wasn't that someone decided I should have the job. It was that I was already doing the job.

I started out as a mere player, but as I branched out and learned more about how the system worked, I became a part of the system. And as I grew and continued to learn as a player and GM, I started to suggest changes. In time I was a Head GM, and by that point I was updating the website and adding content and trying to figure out ways to make the RP easier for everyone. It was belatedly decided that I was another Admin, and that's fine. I can understand needing a title to demonstrate that I have the authority--beyond just being Hellfire's girlfriend/wife--to make the changes I want to. I did not have this position thrust upon me. I took it, because I saw things that needed to be done and I wanted to jump in and do them.

Now, I look at the AMRN and all I see is what is wrong with it. My efforts have improved things, no doubt. But there are so many other things that are flawed. The system as a whole is not a well-oiled machine. It is a gaggle of people who do what they can (and want to) randomly. There is no consistency. I sometimes think the place only functions because I am there to hold it together. (It would go on without me, but questions would go unanswered, GMs would be unsure of their territory/ability, and there would likely be either lots of uprisings or lots of quitting. Having a single person watch over and take care of everything seems to add stability.)

With the state the AMRN is in, I don't think I could just go back to writing story and not administrating. I need to be there to keep the place civil and functional. But that task completely turns me off to writing plots or even just to playing. I'm tired of things not working, and I don't feel like subjecting myself to it anymore. The AMRN needs an overhaul that I am not capable of implementing alone. There are people who have offered to help, but everything goes so slowly in a volunteer/hobby community. I think continuing to GM or even play in this state would drive me nuts.

I guess it could be argued that I should try to relax and enjoy myself so that I don't give myself a heart attack stressing about the game...but to be honest, other than a few spurts and fizzles here and there, I haven't found writing for the AMRN fun in a long time. Posting seems like a big hassle now. I think it's because I know that with the current system, my posts probably won't lead anywhere unless I force them to. I would have to hijack the game and bend it to my own will to get anything meaningful accomplished. That may be why I clung to GMing for so long...because I didn't want to go back to a point where my writing had no effect whatsoever on the overall story.

And so for now, I think I'll just content myself with patching holes in the dam while I wait for the others to help me build a newer, better one.

One year of marriage.

Yup, it's our anniversary today, which means we're going to go out tonight to celebrate, and then when we get home we're going to crack into a year-old chunk of wedding cake and hope it doesn't kill us.

A whole year has gone by.

At times it's felt like forever, but right now it feels like no time has passed at all. It really is strange. My mom says that Sean and I are "so cute together" and that "they say the first year is the roughest, so you will have a breeze".

And it's true, this has been a really good year. I have had times of terrible homesickness and doubt in myself, but those are totally outweighed by the good times, by the pride I have in keeping my apartment beautiful, by the joy of taking care of my husband, by the rightness I feel in his arms. He is mine and I am his, and that just makes me feel so safe and happy and excited.

It's totally different from what I used to think love was. But I like this much better.

Happy New Year :)

Sean and I didn't do anything special tonight, although I did begin my new cooking schedule today. I'm using Leanne Ely's Saving Dinner, which I learned about through FlyLady and which Mom bought for me for Christmas. Today's dinner: skillet chicken with spinach. Since all the recipes in the book are intended to make six servings, I had to improvise a little. Mostly I divided the ingredients by three, but in some cases I added extra. It turned out very tasty. I also tried cooking a butternut squash, since Leanne is so keen on them, but it seemed like a lot of trouble for something that was only marginally special. I probably won't make it again. (I didn't let it cook long enough, but I'm not sure that would have made a significant difference.)

Shopping today for all the supplies was a little draining, both physically and financially. A lot of the stuff I bought I won't need to buy again for awhile, so I'm hoping that the weekly costs will be significantly less than they were this time. Supposedly using this system will help us save money; we'll have to see how it works out. For now, I'm just happy that I don't have to stress out about what to make for dinner, and that I know what I'm making is fresh and healthy. The sheer amount of box, bag, and can dinners I've made this past year has been somewhat worrisome; I would buy produce and just leave it in the fridge until it rotted because I never had an intended purpose for it. Now I will be buying what I need for this week's menu, which is great.

My lack of experience in menu-planning had interesting effects in the grocery store, too; I wasn't quite sure where to find everything! I managed to stumble across most of the items through logic and luck, but I ended up calling Mom in Kentucky to ask her where she thought a jar of roasted peppers would be. She suggested that I look in the Mexican food, and sure enough, there it was. At least, I think what I bought was what I was supposed to buy. I suppose I'll find out when I make the enchiladas!

So I finally finished my shopping, cart filled to the brim (my arm muscles were getting a mild workout just pushing the thing), packed up the car, headed home, and lugged the refrigerator/freezer items up immediately and put them away. Then I promptly fell into bed for a nap.

My boss had called me while I was in the store, and he called me again before the nap, so that I could update the restaurants on 2go-Box with their holiday hours for this week. I wouldn't have to do this if the programmer had had more foresight, but them's the breaks in a new business. You don't know what you need until you're in the thick of things, and then there's no time to do the overhaul, so you just patch it here and there and hope it holds until you finally do have time.

I personally hope that they have time soon. There are many improvements that could be had that would streamline the process, not to mention make my life easier. It probably seems odd that I'm essentially annoyed that they have work for me to do, but that's just how I am. When I see problems in a system in which I'm involved, I immediately start thinking of ways to fix them. It's why my tenure at the AMRN has seen so many changes (with mixed results, I suppose, though I like to think that overall I improved the place...even if it does seem to be dying now).

So after I did part of the job he needed me to do because he hadn't had time before he had to drive to Tallahassee, I konked out for a few hours. I finally got up after Sean got home from work and finished the rest of it, then brought in most of the rest of the groceries and made dinner. I am proud to say that the kitchen is now clean, even though it looked terrible several hours ago.

I've been reading the blog of an American who now lives with his Japanese wife near Tokyo. Over the nearly four years that he's been there, his photography has improved immensely. He is thinking about making photography his livelihood; I really think he has the talent to do it, if he can find a large enough audience to buy his prints. (I may buy one myself, although I am sort of hesitant, as I'd like to hang prints of my own photography in the house, and I wouldn't want people to think I had taken his pictures...maybe I could find a way to label them...but then, of course, my photos would be in competition with his...damned ego :>)

It really has me itching to go back to Japan, and not as a tourist. I want to settle in and get comfortable there again. My honeymoon was nice, but too short...by the time we were falling into a routine of sorts, it was time to leave. (Sean would argue that it was too long, and he's right too. We let it get to the point of making the transition from visitor to inhabitant, then left before we could fully establish ourselves. It was a great trip, but I wouldn't do it that way again.)

Of course, the next item on our agenda is not Japan, but Boston. Maybe. Sean is going to finalize his resume tomorrow and send it in the next day, and then we'll see what happens. It's too late for me to apply to Harvard for the 2004 school year, so I will have to wait and apply for 2005.

Harvard! Can you imagine?

I really think I can do it, though. And I want to. I want to teach myself how to succeed, and start doing it. Sooner rather than later.