Saturday, December 27, 2003

Holy crap!

god
Let there be light! Yep, you guessed it, you are the all knowing God. Except you're also the incarnation of good... one of the two main incarnations. Satan is the other one, obviously your nemesis. Well, you don't interact with humans or the other incarnations... God knows why. You leave it up to the other incarnations to foil satan's plans to make the whole world evil.

What Incarnation of Immortality are you? (wonderful pictures)
brought to you by Quizilla


Well...I wasn't quite expecting that. Interesting definition of God, there...

Monday, December 8, 2003

I completely forgot my original reason for posting.

I wanted to immortalize the following quote by my dear friend Kevin Wiser:

<r3ap3r> once I'm a reverend, I can get my own fancy robotic bidet


And that, my children, is what it's all about.

Where I'm at: assembling furniture, working, decorating for Christmas

I want a Shuttle, because:

A popular application for Shuttle XP's are home theater P's. Usually coupled with ATI All in Wonders or Hauppauge PVR250/350, XP's made a perfect HTPC for non-audio/videophile users due to their size and simplistic nature.
Sean and I actually saw one when we were in Japan. He wanted to buy it then, but was dissuaded by the price. He says that he would buy me one now, except that he is derailed by the very same reason.

I've been sort of busy lately...not too busy to blog, or to sleep 12+ hours a night, but about as busy as a housewife with an in-home part time job can be. I got a new desk, and I spent a day putting it together, and another couple days rearranging furniture. I still have a hutch to put on, and I'll do that soon, then get the office completely put back together. My old desk is now in the bedroom, and it will become a combination vanity/letter-writing center/place to use the laptop. For now, it is the Repository of Stuff That Needs To Go Back into the Office.

Other than that, I've had a fair amount of 2go-Box work to do, and I've done it, and life is good. I've also decorated the apartment for Christmas. Our little 3' tree looks so pretty all lit up at night :)

And that's about it, really. Getting the desk has considerably raised my spirits. It's a large L-shaped desk with a patented "digital dock", i.e. a nook in the corner for my computer to sit in. It looks cool! You can see pictures at the other thing I've been working on, a family website. So far we have pictures for weddings, babies, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my desk (I'll probably remove them after awhile, since they aren't particularly relevant to anyone but me); we also have recipes, stories, and some links. I hope the site will grow to include genealogy information as well. For now, I'm just glad I got it working!

There are still some things on my to-do list, most importantly being finishing up my work on the new No-Dog website. Americart has flummoxed me for some time now, but it's a waste of money to let more time pass without implementing the site. It's my top priority in the next few days to get cracking on that site, and hopefully get it done before the Lord of the Rings marathon next Tuesday (the 16th).

Speaking of which, I'm really looking forward to that! Sean and I are going to Columbia, South Carolina, since they aren't doing the marathon here. It'll be quite an adventure :> Reid says he'll tell us how to get to the theater; I suppose I'll ask him to do so on Saturday, when we meet him, Cheryl, and Grandma Flo for lunch to celebrate Grandma Flo's birthday.

After the marathon, the next big thing is going to Kentucky for Christmas. I'm really looking forward to that :) It will be great to see everyone...and I just love Christmas. Presents or no, it's just a great time of year. I love the music and all the decorations and the festive mood.

We don't have plans for New Year's yet, but we'll be in Augusta, so we'll probably end up going to someone's place (maybe William and Michelle's out in Hephzibah?). I don't really want to host because I don't stock or buy alcohol, so it would just be awkward :> Actually, I remember the first New Year's party we went to at William and Michelle's then-apartment...I had to buy the alcohol because Michelle wasn't old enough. So I guess I'm not particularly opposed to buying it...but I still feel like it would be a little weird.

Besides, I don't need drunk people vomiting all over my apartment.

After New Year's, the next thing will be...our anniversary! Sean and I will have been married a whole year (gasp) on January 4, 2004. So far we don't have any plans whatsoever. :) Hopefully we'll at least go out to dinner.

That's what's been on my mind lately: planning for the future. I've also been looking into Augusta State University's Master of Business Administration degree. I've been really thinking about something I heard earlier this year, the idea that "poor people buy stuff, middle income people buy liabilities, and rich people buy assets". I want to learn how to buy and manage assets...and I think an MBA would help me. So far the only idea I have is to buy a townhouse or apartment and rent it out, letting the rentors make the payments for me, and then, once the townhouse was paid off, buying another one. And so on. To do that and feel comfortable about it, I would need to be able to make the payments myself, should it happen that I don't have a rentor for a matter of months. I'm not at that point yet, so for now it's a tentative idea for the future.

I definitely want to be making money, though, and not just spending it.

So that's where I am right now, blog-readers. And since sitting on my feet has caused both lower legs to fall into tingly sleep, I will conclude here. If I don't see you again before the holidays, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year.

:>

Thursday, November 20, 2003

Live action Sailor Moon

Didn't get much sleep last night; I went to bed around 2:30 and got up at around 8:20. Sure, that's plenty of sleep for the normal, aren't-enough-hours-in-the-day American...but it wasn't very much in Heather terms. I'm thinking about going back for a bit of a snooze, but I wanted to mention that I did play tennis today (missed it on Tuesday; slept in...ugh), and also that I really, really, really like the new Sailor Moon live action series. It is so much fun! Basic plot elements and character developments are the same, but how they come out is different. Crown is a karaoke place instead of an arcade, and Motoki has some weird sort of affection for turtles. (I don't know.) It's cute and funny and also serious, and I have no problem taking it seriously (unlike the vast majority of my friends...okay, 100% of my friends...did I mention that they are all male?) So yeah...really enjoying it so far :) I can't wait for episode 8!

Thursday, November 13, 2003

今日、テニスができました!

I was able to play tennis today with Paul. I went over to his apartment complex and we played in the newly-resurfaced court just beyond the parking lot. There is only one court, at least on that side of the complex, but it was okay; no one else was around or wanting to play. We managed to hit the ball out of the court and into the forest several times, but it was easier to weave through the trees to get to it due to the fact that the forest is apparently thinned out and cut back by whoever does the excellent landscaping at the complex. Unfortunately, there is no gate to exit on that side of the court, so we had to walk all the way around to get back there.

Still, it was a lot of fun, and my knee doesn't hurt at all anymore.

I do, however, suddenly have allergies. A severe runny nose and lots of sneezing. It started sometime during tennis and has lasted all day...ugh. I've taken allergy medicine twice, but it hasn't seemed to help much. The first time I took it, I took a nap immediately thereafter; I recently took the second dose, and it's making me drowsy again, so I'll probably go to bed soon.

I need to get started on my housecleaning schedule thing from FlyLady, at some point...I'm not "behind", per se, but I haven't begun, either. I did, however, shine one of my sinks tonight.

OMG! Today was Wednesday!

For some reason, when I got up (the second time) I was convinced that it was Thursday and that I had missed tennis with Paul. But it wasn't Thursday!

If my knee feels okay tomorrow, I will play tennis. Maybe I'll even try it if it doesn't feel okay :P

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

A normal day...plus TMNT

Knee...still...hurting! ARGH!

I actually took three Advil and went back to bed after making my blog post this morning. I couldn't concentrate, and I knew I couldn't get into any housework, so I figured I'd try to rest and relax and see if it would get better. It did, seemingly; I mean, I can move without wanting to cry, but I still tend to make "Aaah!" and "Ugh!" and "Grah!" noises. Having sex with knee pain is no picnic, I can tell you.

I got up from my nap at around 3:30 or so, struggled out of bed, and got dressed. I fully intended to limp down to the car and drag up at least some of the soda, when it abruptly occurred to me that the soda is in Sean's car, which at the time was with him at the fort. Well! So I didn't do that, but I did put the dishes away and mess around online, and then at 5 I asked Sean if he was hungry, and since he was I went ahead and started on dinner (crab alfredo with salad and garlic bread--my home-made [read: buttered, garlic salted regular store-bought wheat bread] garlic bread is pretty good).

He came home and took the garbage out (two bags sitting in the kitchen since yesterday! O_O!), and then we sat down and ate at the dinner table. It was the first time we'd done that in awhile; usually I just bring his food to him at the computer. We chatted and flirted and ate, then cleaned up and settled in at our computers for about 15 minutes, and then ran off to the bedroom. Knee pain be damned!

Bellsouth is having weird DNS issues, so Sean started messing with the settings when we got back online. This meant that I couldn't surf the web (I'd been reading the archives of PartiallyClips, a webcomic I discovered through Sluggy), and downloading pictures from Prince of Tennis.com), chat, or download anime...my only reasons for using the computer. So I went to the living room and cracked open Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

As Kevin knows (since I keep telling him), I used to have that movie memorized. I could watch it in my head, seeing everything play out in real time. So watching it again was kind of neat. I hadn't seen it in years, so it wasn't completely fresh, but at the same time I anticipated every line, every sound effect. Some sound effects were too quiet on my TV to hear, so I turned up the volume to correct the experience. Rather bizarre.

What was nice was that the DVD worked on my DVD player. A lot of the newer DVDs don't. Another nice thing is that the DVD is double-sided, containing both pan-and-scan and widescreen versions. If you are a true friend, you know which one I chose. ;)

Sean has hopefully worked out the issue with Bellsouth, so presumably our service will be back to normal within a day or so. That would be good. In the meantime, at least I can surf and post and stuff.

Still have a lot of 2go-Box work to get done...ugh.

Shopping, getting reacquainted, knee pain, and FlyLady

I was supposed to pick Sean up at the fort whenever he got in last night. Figuring that he would get back at around the usual time for leaving work (why I assumed this, I have no idea), I drove out that way to the oriental market on Lumpkin (two exits past the one for Fort Gordon on I-520). I got a little turned around on Deans Bridge Road, but ultimately found my destination, and ended up going to the little store first.

Though small, the place seems to have some of everything, including European chocolates. I was mostly interested in the Japanese items, like the rice cookers and water heaters (for tea) and the dishes and the porcelain dolls in glass boxes. I didn't buy any of these, of course, but I did browse!

Finally I selected three packets of miso soup mix, a box of curry mix, and a bag of rice. I was about to leave when two Japanese ladies started speaking in Japanese to each other, standing around the big bags of rice. I halfway understood what they were saying, but not really, which was annoying (though they might have wanted it that way). What's important is that I noticed the fridge behind them, and checking through it, I found a little box of red bean cakes.

YUM!

So I bought those too, up at the counter manned by the cute little old man. I don't know what his name is, but I guess his family owns the store. The last time I was there, I was with Sue (Paul's mom) and Trisha (Paul's mom's brother's wife), and I had a brief conversation with him and his Japanese wife about the fact that I had been to Kyoto. I'm pretty sure he didn't remember me from then, but I remembered him. (As my friends know, I have a thing for old men. They are just so cute!)

I had assumed that Sean would call for a pickup while I was out, and so it was with a bit of consternation that I left the store. Driving back on I-520, I kept slowing down more and more as I neared the Fort Gordon exit. I think I was actually going (gasp) 55 when I finally passed it, and still no call. So I resolutely went forward, stopping at the bank to make a deposit before finally going home.

I was wearing my new pair of brown leather high heeled boots (I love boots!), and as I climbed out of Sean's car I whined to myself about having to climb the stairs...but it really wasn't that bad, and soon I was eating a red bean cake and puttering around online. I left the boots on, expecting to have to leave at any moment...and besides, they were making my knees feel better.

I woke up yesterday (and today, for that matter) with horrible pain in my left knee. It doesn't seem to like to bend or straighten in certain positions, but in other positions it's tolerable. Going to bed with knee pain was, well, a pain :> It was hard to find the best way to lie there that provoked the minimum amount of ouch factor. This was obviously a problem last night; the night before, I didn't have the pain until I woke up in the morning.

It was brought on by me actually getting up and doing stuff on Monday, I suppose...my shins are also sore, probably both from walking and from wearing high heeled boots yesterday. It's the good kind of sore that means exercise...the knee pain is not a good kind of anything. I was hoping it would be gone by now, but alas.

This knee thing has happened to me before, though I'm not sure if it has been the left leg every time. I think it has happened to the right one too. The first time it happened, I believe, I was down here visiting Sean, and I had to drive home with it. It was really, really obnoxious. Since then I've had it crop up a couple times. I'm not exactly sure why it happens, but I would really like it to go away.

So I was messing around on the computer, waiting for Sean to call. It got later and later and later. The sun went down. Finally, after much consternation, I ate a pimiento cheese sandwich; I was hungry, and I thought maybe Sean would be really late, and that he would eat with his coworkers.

It wasn't too long after that that I suddenly heard a loud thunk coming from the living room. It took a few seconds for it to actually register; then, worried that something had fallen over or someone was doing something suspicious, I limped as fast as possible out there...to find that my front door had come open and then stuck on the latch. Had I left the door unlocked? It was a good thing I'd bolted it, then...

I approached warily to close the door, and suddenly there was knocking. At once I knew it was Sean, yet felt worried that it might not be.

"Who is it?"

"It's me," came the familiar voice.

I relaxed in relief as I went to work the bolt open. "What are you doing here?" I asked dumbly, since of course I was supposed to pick him up.

"I live here. At least I think I do," he joked. I finally got the door open and he exchanged pleasantries with someone I couldn't see, someone who had obviously brought him home. He then strode in with his bag; I picked up the laptop case and followed him, closing and relocking the door.

We kissed for a long time after that, then moved to the bedroom.

It was really nice. I don't want to get into specifics about my lovemaking on a public blog, but I do want to mention that it was especially loving and tender this time. We did a lot of snuggling, and, strangely enough, talking. We'd never had a conversation during sex before; it was kind of neat. It was like we were reconnecting not just physically, but emotionally. I told him everything I'd been doing, and we flirted and teased each other.

When we were finally finished reacquainting ourselves, I moved to the kitchen to make some curry for my poor husband who hadn't eaten any dinner yet, while he got comfortable at the PC. It took awhile to get done, but it turned out fantastic. I especially loved eating rice again...I really missed it.

The kitchen was fortunately clean for my dinner preparations due to a tidy-up bent that hit me before I went to the oriental market. Faye recently told me about FlyLady, a resource site for housewives who need help sticking to a routine and managing their clutter. I signed up for the list, and since then I've been receiving numerous peppy emails telling me to clean things. I ended up cleaning the kitchen and the toilets, though those actually weren't on FlyLady's schedule. They were just things that had to be done. I may adapt the FlyLady schedule, but for now it's just enough that I feel motivated to do anything at all.

After getting back from the oriental market, I cleaned up some more, moving the laundry off the dining room table finally (I'm so bad about that recently) and finally into the closet, putting my new shoes away, and organizing my 2go-Box paperwork into two of the shoeboxes. And after Sean came home and we ate dinner, I received another email from FlyLady, ordering me to go do the dishes and "shine the sink". So I did.

I have no idea how to shine a sink, and I didn't feel like checking her website for directions, so I just used Formula 409, and I think that was the wrong thing to do. It doesn't look particularly shiny, though it is clean. I'll do a little research later and see what I should do next time.

One of FlyLady's mantras is "get dressed down to the shoes", but right now I'm still in my Dog Tired nightie. The only reason I'm up at all is because of my knee pain; Sean and I didn't make it to bed until 3something this morning, and typically under those circumstances I would snooze for a few more hours. But at 7:20 I was in pain and had to go to the bathroom, and the idea of lying back down and trying to get my leg comfortable was intensely unappealing, so I just stayed up.

I'm moving my leg around, trying to work out whatever it is that is making my knee hurt, but I don't know if it's actually helping. It seems that keeping my leg in one position only makes it hurt more when I finally have to move it, so I'm hoping that more constant movement will diminish it...but who knows. I wish it would just go away!

The kitchen is still clean. According to FlyLady, this week's target area is bathrooms, and my task for today is the countertops and sink. I suppose I can deal with that. I'm really happy that I finally cleaned the toilets; they tend to get a ring around them very easily, and I'm not sure why. I meant to pick up 2000 Flushes at Wal-Mart on Monday, but I completely forgot.

I did, however, finally clean the bar top/counter thingie that separates the kitchen from the living room and dining room. I've dusted it before, but this time I removed everything, washed the counter, then cleaned everything and put it back. It looks nicer, at least to me. That and the cleaning of my washer and dryer and the organization of my pantry are the crowning achievements of my day yesterday, since I've never done those things before. I feel a nice sense of accomplishment.

Due to my knee pain plus the fact that I got up a little late, I did not play tennis with Paul yesterday. I hope the knee pain goes away soon enough for me to play tomorrow. I would like to get tennis back into my routine, and not just because I really like Prince of Tennis. Tennis is the one sport that I ever actually enjoyed playing. I never played for school or on a team or anything, but I did take lessons once, a long, long time ago. I'd like to get back into it, since it's something I enjoy.

Speaking of tennis, the other day on IRC I was joking (yet again) about how Carver and Foreman are joined at the hip, and Foreman remarked that they were "the Golden Pair". This led to a discussion of who was Oishi and who was Kikumaru...and it turned out that Foreman matched Kikumaru quite well. I commented offhandedly that Foreman must do "acrobatic tennis" and he responded eagerly, "I DO!!!" He then explained that back in high school, he was on the tennis team, and when playing doubles, he would always dive to get the ball. So that he wouldn't fall and hurt himself, he would tumble into a somersault after making the return, then be up and ready after the roll to hit the next ball. He really IS Kikumaru!!!! (I should make sure he starts saying gibberish phrases like "Hoi hoi" and calling Hyper "ochibi"...)

I think that's all I have to say. I love rambling, so I'm sure I could think of something else, but it's time for my short attention span to be directed elsewhere. Until next time, adieu, adieu, to yuu and yuu and yuu.

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

A better day

Two and a half hours ago I was going to bed, but before I did, I wanted to inform all three of my readers that I had a good day today.

That, at least, was how I started out the blog entry that was lost by my net connection suddenly going down.

Oh well.

I wanted to say that today was good. It had its bittersweet moments, but it was good. Getting out of the apartment and doing things was nice. I rode up with Sean to Fort Gordon and then took the car on errands to the oriental market (unfortunately closed), the mall, Best Buy, Allstate, and Wal-Mart. I bought four pairs of shoes at Payless for $54. I bought Top Gun, Army of Darkness, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on DVD. I had McDonald's for lunch, and I did quite a bit of 2go-Boxing. I made a video for Connor and then talked to him on the phone. And while waiting for my net connection to come back up, I finished reading Pastwatch: The Redemption of Christopher Columbus by Orson Scott Card.

All in all, it's been a pretty good day, and, most surprisingly, I was in a pretty good mood for most of it.

Sometimes I felt sad. In Wal-Mart I almost exploded into tears upon sight of a pregnant woman packing receiving blankets into a cart laden with goodies for newborns. Talking to Connor, and hearing him say most often "I wish you could stay here" and second most often "I really miss you", my eyes stung, and I felt just as lonely as I ever have. With Sean away in North Carolina on business--to pick up his RTI name badge, he says--it is a far more direct aloneness. Feeling this pining for companionship, I have to shudder at the thought of how I keep leaving Sean alone here for weeks on end when I go home to visit my family.

On another day, the sad things would have dominated. But somehow, today, they didn't. I feel good, and wholly satisfied, even though I lost my original post. I've recreated the important parts here; if I think of something I missed, I can always tack it on later. But in truth, those were the things that were on my mind; rewriting does much for concision.

I don't know why today was better...but I like it!

Saturday, November 8, 2003

Give up writing?

Writing is the one thing that everyone has always told me I'm good at.

That's why I'm so unsure about giving it up.

I signed up for NaNoWriMo, but here it is November 8 and I haven't written a thing. I have nothing to say, no stories to tell. I feel as if everything that could be said or told has been done, or will be done, by someone with far more talent than I possess. I am so easily critical of other people's work, but the truth is, I don't know if even I meet my standards. Sometimes I do. Sometimes there's a flash of brilliance in what I write. But I've never maintained it throughout a work. I've never completed anything worthy of being published, or even really of being shown to others.

This is not humility. This is fact. I have a dozen false starts saved on disc, and I have a handful of completed yet shoddy short stories. That's it. I'm not one of those brilliant writers who's written pages and pages of material but refuses to show them out of fear of rejection. I have nothing, really.

I don't write.

I don't write...I don't do anything. I've tried to motivate myself, but all this motivation has done is make me feel worse. I don't know what it is I want out of life, other than to travel, to try new things, to eat, to have fun. When I think of the things I want to do, it seems like they all have a cost, and none of them will benefit me in any way other than enjoyment.

Was I ever excited about the prospect of working, of learning something, of growing as a person? Or have I always been as superficial as I am now, regarding with distaste the activities I feel I should leap towards?

Saturday, November 1, 2003

Meaningless

I want to care about something. I want to have a goal.

I feel like my life is meaningless. Life has only the meaning I give it, and I haven't given it anything in months. I'm not working towards anything, and I can't think of anything that I want to work towards.

I thought signing up for National Novel Writing Month would help, but it only gave me a temporary euphoria. Now that reality is setting in--I have no idea what to write about, while all my friends have started already--I find myself seeing NaNoWriMo as just another burden.

I want to cast it all off...but if I do, what will be left?

Sunday, October 19, 2003

Which Seigaku Regular are you?


BURNING!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, October 7, 2003

Schedule my life

Well, I'm trying to lose weight again. This time, though, I have a schedule!

When I first get up, I will go for a walk. After that I will clean house. Once that's done, I will sit down for some data entry for 2go-Box (my new job, that I got last week). Soon it will be time to make dinner, so I will do that, and after dinner I will be free to do as I please. This is my plan, assuming I get up sometime around noon.

I pulled it off today, getting up at 12:22 and relaxing a little before going for my walk. I made it for three laps around the complex, then came back in and started work on the data entry. At around 4 or so I started cleaning the bathrooms. A few months ago I made up a schedule for cleaning the apartment that essentially covers all the rooms in a five day period, leaving the weekends free for relaxing. I'm going to use that schedule; Monday is Bathroom Day.

It was pretty miserable, scrubbing the grout and floors and toilets, especially in Sean's bathroom (men are so dirty! I don't know how they manage it), but the bathrooms look lovely. (The biggest problem in mine was a thin sheen of dust.) It shouldn't be such a chore next week, given that there won't have been weeks and weeks for dirt to accumulate. So that's good.

Tomorrow is Bedroom Day, which should be easy, easy, easy. Mainly a lot of dusting. Our bedroom is quite clean.

Wednesday is Living Room/Dining Room Day, Thursday is Office Day, and Friday is Laundry/Vacuum Day. I didn't include the kitchen because I figure I should really be cleaning that every day...and I pretty much do, anyway. (Today I was feeling inspired, and I actually took the stove apart and scoured it.)

In the schedule, I have written that I want to do Japanese study and something creative every day as well, but I'm not sure where I will fit those things in, time-wise. It depends on how early I get up, and how I feel after dinner. Things like that.

Looking at the boards, I have no desire to post right now whatsoever. Partially it's because I'm exhausted, but also nothing is really strikingly interesting at the moment. I'm not sure I could do a post justice even if I was interested, though; I feel bone-tired. Hopefully as I get used to the schedule, I will be more able to do all the things I want to. "The more you do, the more you will be able to do," and all that.

Also part of this plan is Slim-Fast, which I had for breakfast (lunch) and my after-dinner meal thingy. I'm not sure if my schedule will stay this way or not, but as long as two of my three meals are Slim-Fast, it's not a big deal. I do need to go get some skim milk, though.

I feel like I'm paraphrasing everything and that I should write more, but I'm really not very alert right now. Bed beckons. Maybe I'll watch some anime and then get some shuteye.

Saturday, September 20, 2003

I can't...

I can't divorce myself from the need to succeed. I can't sit down and write a book just for me.

Shikamaru impression

The fatal flaw in the copter game...



I mean, WTF?

Last night I had a talk with Sam. I was in a very bleh mood, such that everything sounded overly difficult and annoying. (There is a character in Naruto who seems to feel that way every day. His most common line is "How troublesome." Indeed...) Anyway, Sam was trying to cheer me up, partially because he likes me, but also partially I think because he wanted to get GP4 moving, and I wasn't in the mood for that. His attempts to get me in the mood were unsuccessful.

We ended up talking about how bored I am with my life, and how I wish I was doing something. He made the obvious suggestion, the one I've thought of and passed over, which is: write a novel. He then proceeded to describe my own feelings to me, in precise detail. He said that I think I am a failure, and that if I commit myself to try and actually do something, I might find out that I'm right. He said that this fear paralyzes me and keeps me from actually accomplishing anything.

He's absolutely right.

He seemed disappointed by his inability to prod me into action. Logically, the solution to my problem would be to try to write a novel. If I write one, I might get it published and get some money, so that would solve another problem. But I don't believe him when he says that I should be able to get something published easily. In my writing classes, the teachers and professionals all talked about how difficult it is to get published, and how brilliant writers are often neglected.

I don't know, it's not just that. I think another thing I'm afraid of is writing something mediocre. If that mediocre something got published, I would feel like I had betrayed myself. If people liked something that I thought was half-assed...I don't know.

I feel like I am just making up excuses instead of going for it. That is probably exactly the case. I am just so scared, and competitive. If I exempt myself from the competition, then I don't have to feel bad when I lose. That's how I've looked at things for a long time.

This post doesn't seem to be making any sense, but I'm tired of writing it. I'm not even going to revise.

I wish I wasn't such a lazy wuss.

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

Despair transmuted

Here I am at 6:30 am after staying up all night--as usual, with something of a nap to tide me over--trembling with euphoria, chest swelled, eyes smarting with unshed tears, because I actually worked hard at writing something.

I have had a pretty shitty night up until this point. The reason I went to take a nap was because I wanted to cry. Bawl, in truth. I was unable to do that; my sobs felt forced and pathetic as I lay wrapped in the covers, face buried in my pillow. But I did at least cry, and then fell off into restless, desperate sleep.

I am unsatisfied with my life and I am unsatisfied with the way I spend my days. I do not feel as if there is any purpose to anything I do. I want more, I want to stop feeling desperate. I want to be more than useful; I want to be thrilling, inspiring, necessary, adored. I want to Do Things that make people Sit Up and Take Notice. I believe I have fallen into despair because I can't envision these things ever actually happening. I'm lost, jobless, a housewife who hates keeping house. I'm no good to anyone else and I'm no good to myself.

But I wrote something. Something I am outrageously proud of, something I revised until it flowed off my tongue with a rhythm that plows a clear path. I read it aloud, several times, and tweaked it far more than that. I worked on it, and it's finished, and I can say that I am reasonably happy with it.

It's only a post. But holy shit do I feel good about it.

I must have needed that.

Thursday, September 11, 2003

Traditions under the moon

Today, Dawn wrote about the Chinese Mid Autumn Festival, and I couldn't help but be reminded of my own childhood traditions. Fireworks on the Fourth of July were always a big thing, whether we set off our own in front of our house or drove up to Lexington to watch the big show from Doris' farm, sprawled out in the back of a banged-up pickup truck. Dawn's discussion of lanterns made me think of Woodhaven, where Granny and Aunt Carol used to live; they had strings of lights running along their trailer in the shape of Chinese lanterns, and I loved their bright colors lighting up the porch at night. I sat out there with my aunts and played board games, or watched over my baby cousins (who are now all teenagers!), or played house with the myriad collection of toys Granny kept in her outdoor tent in the yard. We rode bikes at Woodhaven, too, all around the narrow, winding roads. Woodhaven was a private retirement community, and there wasn't much traffic. It was very rustic and peaceful there; it felt like a chosen, comfortable seclusion.

Summers are what I remember most from my childhood, because summer was always the time for adventures. Piling into the car to go to Uncle Lewis' place on Lake Cumberland was one of my favorites, because we got to go swimming, climbing, picnicking, and exploring, and in the morning Uncle Lewis always made us his famous "greasy eggs". I think I miss having his place to go to the most; I don't have any real memories attached to Ma's farm in Mt. Sterling, and there's not much to do there. And of course, we always went to Illinois in the summer, whether to Woodhaven, or to Big Rock, or to Wilmette...but once my parents started the business, we weren't able to all run off on jaunts anymore, and so the adventure chapter of my life was closed. I think maybe that's why I didn't mind driving eight hours to see Sean for a weekend...travel has been in my blood since I was little.

Christmas is another tradition I've had since childhood, but until we had the business it wasn't a truly large affair for us. We typically went to Uncle Jeff and Aunt Karen's house on Eastin Road in Lexington, a beautiful, large, stately house that I felt I could get lost in. Their tree was always splendid, with more gifts beneath it than I could count. Everyone brought food, and we all ate dinner and then exchanged presents. That tradition died off when people began realizing they couldn't afford to buy presents for everyone, and now if we go anywhere it's to Grandma's for dinner, with no formal gift exchange. It's nice, but it's not the same. Our party at home is bigger and better, though, with lots of presents, and the little joy that is Connor running around brightening everything. This year, when Sean and I go to my parents' for the holiday, there will be another little one to cuddle.

Traditions don't really die; they just change. They've shaped who we are, and who we are shapes what we do.

Dawn also wrote today about how she finished up her festival day, a quiet, more muted celebration, tinged with melancholy. I know how it feels to be lonely on holidays. I think the song Dawn chose to quote at the end of her post was a wonderful choice, especially because it reminded me of something that happened yesterday.

Out of the blue, I decided to call Connor. I miss that little sweetie. We had a good conversation; he told me to come over to his house "tomorrow" but I said it would have to wait until Halloween. Then he asked me, "Can you see the moon?"

I went out on the deck and looked, and there it was, Mars hanging just below and to the right. "Wow," I said, "it's really orange, isn't it?"

"Yeah!" Connor said. "And it has eyes and a nose and a mouth! But it doesn't say anything."

"The moon's pretty quiet," I agreed.

At that moment, I remembered the song, "Somewhere Out There", from An American Tail...and so for me it was doubly delightful to have Dawn think of the same song for a completely different reason.

I miss everyone...but it is nice to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky.

Saturday, August 30, 2003

What kind of girl are you?

GIRLY GIRL - Clever Kitty
A GIRLY-GIRL. You dont have a lot of self-esteem
and people are always bringing you down for
being sad. What do they know, anyway? You feel
like youre too mature for your age and are
frustrated by the trend-followers who refuse to
accept you because youre not like them.
Your virtues: Intelligence, understanding nature,
modesty.
Your flaws: Lack of social life, inferiority
complex, timidity.


What kind of girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


I think these quizzes were made by an Aussie.

While I don't feel this is completely accurate, it is close.

What would your Japanese name be?

Yoshimi
Yoshimi - "Happy Beauty"
Sponsored by www.life-blood.cjb.net


What would your Japanese name be? (female)
brought to you by Quizilla


Yay!

Tuesday, August 26, 2003

Thursday, August 21, 2003

Stymied

I haven't blogged in a bit. Part of the reason is because I fell off the wagon, so to speak. Just like all my other attempts at dieting, this one has ended in failure. Sam says that I constantly commit myself to and accomplish great things, but somehow am stymied by anything involving self-improvement. It's an interesting evaluation, but I'm not sure what I think of it. The things I commit to are all in the "Fun Stuff I Want To Do" category, whereas the things I slack off on are "Things I Think I Ought To Be Doing, Whether They Are Fun or Not". I guess you could label the second group as being self-improvement items, because the things I think I ought to be doing include losing weight, exercising, writing the next great American novel, and things of that nature. I think they can also be referred to as things that involve changing my usual routine. I tend to fall into the patterns of least resistance, things that feel natural and amusing. Anything that goes against the flow is automatically more difficult to maintain over any length of time.

Analyzing the situation to death has not put me one step closer to fixing it.

The other reason I haven't blogged is because Xanga was down due to a barrage of DDOS attacks. Lame.

Right now I'm listening to a track from the Run Lola Run OST called "Casino (Solid State Remix)". It is damn good. It has a pumping, driving beat and a repeated sample of Lola panting as she runs, punctuated by rushing sound effects and a few simple bass chords and melodies. It is really neat; it puts me in a sort of sexual meditative state.

I've been doing lots of posting on GP4 lately. One of Sam's non-player-characters, Amy Velpers, is hosting a ball, and all the PCs were required to attend. Everyone is on the same thread. It's a hoot.

Sean wasn't feeling well today. Fortunately, he has a good week before he has to go to work; since he's changing companies on the 29th, he is using up all his sick days now. I hope he'll get a good rest over this extended weekend. His allergies really seem to kill him.

I sort of wish we could use this time that he's off to go visit my relatives in Kentucky, but Sean doesn't feel up to taking a trip. He says he just wants to relax. Fair enough, I suppose.

I missed both Mom and Ben's birthday parties. Fortunately, Faye and others made sure there were pictures for me to see, which is good. Logan is really growing up, and Connor is a boy now, not a baby. He's almost four. It's crazy.

I miss everybody.

Hopefully I can find some sort of job so that I can afford to fly home to visit sometime...flights from Augusta to Lexington are ridiculously expensive though, something like $600 when I checked today. I've got the non-major-airport blues...

Sunday, August 10, 2003

"I think all of us have one question," AJ said. "What're you going to eat today?"

:>

Well, I don't know what I'm going to eat today. However, yesterday, I had:

  • five pieces of pizza

  • two cans of Mountain Dew


  • Hopefully that will satisfy everyone's curiosity for now. ;P

    Sean and I awoke this morning to the violent sounds of a raging storm. Rain slammed against the roof and walls of our apartment as lightning crashed and thunder cracked deafeningly at very close range. Sean got up to look at the storm out the deck door, then returned to curl up in bed. "Honest," he said, "Georgia didn't have tropical South American weather before you moved here."

    It's all my fault!!!

    McAfee Virus Scan renewed itself yesterday, so I figured I'd keep it rather than cancelling the service. I'm scanning my computer now, and so far, three small files in my Temporary Internet Files folder have come up as infected. I'm not sure if they are actually causing a problem or not, but it's good to know that McAfee caught them. The viruses are named "Exploit-ByteVerify" and "JS/Seeker.gen.f". I just remembered that I haven't bothered to apply Service Packs to Office yet, so I'll do that once the scan is done and hopefully lower my infectability factor.

    Last night we had Paul over and ordered pizza. That was our tradition for a long time, but the past few weeks we'd been neglecting it. It was good to have company over again. We ended up watching the first two DVDs of Kimagure Orange Road, which I found very amusing and fun. The male lead suffers from that same inability to articulate his desires to women that we see in many titles, but it's not as overwhelmingly irritating as it is in, say, To Heart. In fact, Kyosuke does much better with it than Tenchi or Keitaro (to use two very famous examples), which is a refreshing change. I'd like to watch more of the show, and soon.

    I also need to catch up on Naruto. Episode 44 was just released by the fansubbers, but I think Sean and I haven't seen anything past 38.

    The AMRN has been kicking, so much so that two new games may or may not be in the works. Snipes has been putting together a website in hopes of resurrecting the long-dead Bubblegum Crisis game; Sam has been kicking around the idea of a Cowboy Bebop game for months now. I'd like to mention here that I've thought about doing a Cowboy Bebop game ever since seeing Cowboy Bebop. The universe is extraordinarily rich, and the genre leaves plenty of room for more intrigue and fun. The game would have to exclude the original cast, but I feel that assembling a new group of people and writing a story for those people would have the same effect as the anime. What happens, ultimately, would be directly relevant to them, and when it was all said and done they would have changed the face of the universe.

    Of course, the biggest problem with that is keeping players. If you let someone join who ends up flaking out a few months in, then you have to totally rewrite your story. This, plus the fact that I am already running two games, sort of curtailed the tiny, preliminary thoughts I was having. Still, the thought that Sam might work something up is exciting. I wonder what sort of character I could play...

    Saturday, August 9, 2003

    All good things...

    Continuing on the one meal a day plan, I ate:

  • one chicken club sandwich from Chik-Fil-A

  • one large box of waffle fries

  • one medium Dr Pepper

  • two cans of Mountain Dew, one of which I am currently drinking


  • I'm sort of in a weird mood today. I'm not sure what the deal is, but it probably has something to do with the IRC chat. You know how good things are...they tend to not always stay as good. I guess this is sort of the situation now, though I'm sure things will get better with time. Essentially, there is a guy who comes to the chat that pretty much everyone dislikes, but I have no legit reason to ban him, so we're stuck with him. (In other news, I did ban Suzaku today--he was asking for it. Literally.)

    I'd like to be in the mood to post, and I'm working my way back in, but it's a slow process. I don't really have much to say beyond that, so I'll stop here.

    Friday, August 8, 2003

    One meal a day; plus, IRC is cool

    Today, like yesterday, I only had one meal. It was:

  • one pint sweet and sour chicken

  • one pint rice

  • one can Mountain Dew


  • I've also been drinking water.

    I'm not sure what the deal is, but yesterday and today I just didn't feel like eating, other than the main meal that came around what lunch would be for me if I was counting. Right now I feel like I should be hungry, but I don't particularly want to eat anything. Thinking about food makes me go "Meh."

    Sam says that I should try to stick to one meal a day for a week so that my stomach will contract. Then I'll get full easier, as long as I eat slowly. I say that sounds like a good plan, so I'm going to go for it.

    Boy, we had a crazy time in the channel tonight. I told Kitty Larke's player to come in, and she did, and she was a hoot. She's one of those who is quite adept at the skill of chatting, and she kept us all in stitches. We amused her greatly, as well. It was a rousing good time for all, during which postage occurred...so in essence, I was quite a happy camper!

    I really haven't had a good, fast-paced chat like that in a long time. We used to have them back on EFNet, #robotech and #starwars!, but after awhile people just stopped going to EFNet (including me). I really love what the IRC room does for the AMRN. Giving people a common place to discuss posts and conspire together and get to know one another was a fantastic idea. Posting has increased among the people who show up to the chat, I believe, and we're tying more things together far more easily than before. It's the sense of community that I always felt we needed. Not everyone comes to the room, so it's not an all-encapsulating experience...but we have enough of the major posters that it almost feels like it. It's fantastic.

    Thursday, August 7, 2003

    Happy Birthday, Dawn!

    Yes, it's August 8 in Malaysia already, which means my dear friend Dawn is celebrating her birthday. I suppose it wouldn't be proper to put her age here ;D

    Dawn and I have known each other since fall/winter of 1999. Actually, the first time I learned of her existence was, I believe, when I visited Sean for the first time in the summer of 1999. I'm actually having a little trouble putting the facts together, but I know that my first encounter with Dawn occurred while Sean and I had our computers over at the Mental Soup offices. We were there after hours hanging out online, and a message popped up on Sean's ICQ for "Ryu-chan". Somehow, I also discovered that Dawn had sent him a Christmas card. (He must have still had it on his desk with the rest of his mail. In the middle of summer. I don't know ;P)

    "How did she get your address?" I asked, as this was back in the 'jealous girlfriend' stage of our relationship.

    "I gave it to her," Sean said without explanation or apology. (My husband is cool.)

    Since I had no real response to this--even jealous-girlfriend-me knew that throwing a hissy fit would be stupid and immature--I dropped the issue. I went back to reading the AMRN to see if I could find her posts or any idea about her (at the time I was not a member, but I had started reading the boards because Sean spent so much time writing there. If I use another parenthetical I may kill myself).

    I never did find anything to fuel my jealousy, and I forgot about the whole thing shortly thereafter.

    Months later, I decided to join the AMRN with my new character idea, Julien Straub. Shade (who I had also met in person on that trip) and I conspired together to come up with the idea. Basically, Julien would be closeted gay, and he would realize the truth about himself by falling in love with Ryu Connor, Sean's character. It was going to be a hoot, or so we thought.

    So I started roleplaying with Julien, and I discovered that I was really, really liking it.

    During the transfer story in which Julien and a crowd of others were shuffling into various squadrons on the Etrakis, I--or rather, Julien's player--met Dawn--or rather, Dawn and her alter-ego Hellspawn. Oh, boy, this is more convoluted than I thought.

    Julien and Iliana's players, which were of course me and Dawn, began conversing through email. The messages were really interesting and "we" got to know each other quite well. Meanwhile, on ICQ, "Hellspawn", who played on the AMRN, joined "Julien's" contact list. Julien and Hellspawn talked for a bit about videogames and RPGs, but ultimately didn't have much to say to each other. (I was having trouble pretending to be a man. I really had no interest in videogames and RPGs, and I didn't know what else to talk about.)

    Finally, Hellspawn decided that "he" could no longer lie to "his" good friend Julien, and spilled the beans in an email from Iliana, letting me know that they were one and the same person.

    After receiving the email, I was sort of shocked, and I wasn't sure what to think. When I saw Hellspawn on ICQ later, I sucked it up: "You play a pretty good woman, Hellspawn!"

    Then Dawn responded with the killer: "That's because I am one, dearie ^_~"

    I about fell out of my chair. But I could hardly fault her, since I was doing the same thing.

    I wanted to paste the log of that conversation here, but I seem to have lost all of my Julien chats :P I have checked all my backup CDs and DVDs and I guess I just never thought to copy over Julien's ICQ stuff. I'm amazed that I didn't save the chats as text files though. What was I thinking?

    In any case, I didn't tell her who I was for awhile. I actually began living a double life, because as my chat logs with Sean attest, I met Dawn as Heather on January 21, 2000.

    Me (9:02:38 PM): Hellspawn, huh?
    Sean (9:02:59 PM): Yeah, approve her.
    Me (9:03:02 PM): I did.
    Me (9:04:02 PM): That's the same person you were talking to that one time, right?
    Sean (9:08:35 PM): Right.
    I believe I'm slyly referring to "that girl who called you Ryu-chan?" without actually saying it. I was such a dork at the beginning of our relationship. ;>

    Anyway, I don't have any logs from Dawn until February 4, 2000. By that time we seemed to know each other's secrets. This excerpt is interesting:

    --------------------------------------
    ICQ History Log For:
    64474335 Witch Child
    Started on Wed Sep 27 15:56:59 2000
    --------------------------------------
    COSLeia 2/15/00 2:31 PM This is weird.
    Witch 2/15/00 2:43 PM I agree... ^_^
    COSLeia 2/15/00 2:43 PM Back as me. And sure, I'll talk to Boomer
    Witch 2/15/00 2:44 PM ^_^
    hold on a moment while I set it up?
    COSLeia 2/17/00 4:01 PM :)
    Witch 2/17/00 4:02 PM hehe... just noticed?
    is Dave online btw? he hasn't authorized me
    yet
    COSLeia 2/17/00 4:07 PM I'm not on as Julien so I can't tell hold on
    As you can see, after Dawn found out I was Julien, I still kept up the charade for quite a long time. I even had a few conversations with Sean as Julien, on AIM. O, the deception! These, of course, I managed to save. Just for kicks, here's an example:

    Hellfire00 (11:49:49 PM): Hmm, just Tuesday, was hoping for a new Penny-Arcade.
    JulienStraub (11:49:52 PM): Oops. I have to go.
    JulienStraub (11:49:59 PM): Penny-Arcade!
    JulienStraub (11:50:06 PM): My gaming friends told me about that.
    JulienStraub (11:50:08 PM): I never miss it now.
    Sean (11:50:14 PM): It rulez.
    JulienStraub (11:50:20 PM): 3r33t
    Sean (11:50:28 PM): LOL, you know l33t speak!
    JulienStraub (11:50:44 PM): I'm on AOL. What do you expect?
    Sean (11:50:45 PM): OMG! I thought I was all alone!
    Sean (11:50:46 PM): Roxor!
    Sean (11:50:49 PM): Heh.
    Sean (11:51:19 PM): Alright, take care man, I will chat at you tomorrow I am sure.
    "My gaming friends"...peh.

    And just for good measure...

    JulienStraub (11:14:44 PM): Hello. ^_^
    Sean (11:14:50 PM): Hello. ^_^
    Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay...

    Hm. Well. This turned into more of a ramble about Julien than a discussion of my relationship with Dawn ^^;;;; I guess it would be easier to chronicle my friendship with her if I hadn't seemingly lost all the old chats and emails. :( I don't know why I didn't save them. I've been saving things like that since 1996. Oh well. I must have lost it all in a format and forgotten to back up beforehand.

    Well, I guess I can break the suspense and let the reader know how Dawn found out that I was Julien.

    I was having trouble keeping the identities separate after I started talking to Dawn as myself, especially considering how close I had gotten to her as Julien. One day I was telling her about my struggle with cancer, and Dawn paused and then said, "This sounds familiar..."

    I froze. I had told Dawn about having cancer as Julien, in email, and completely forgotten! I didn't want to lie to her (I seem to have no problems with deception as long as I don't have to actually lie straight out), and so after a moment of consternation, I finally said, "You probably remember it from Julien telling you about it. And I'm Julien."

    I'm sure Dawn almost fell out of her chair...and thus our true and open friendship began :>

    Since Dawn and I really started to know each other, our friendship has really deepened and blossomed. I've never met her in person, but I can say without a doubt that she is the closest female friend I have. I wanted her to be the maid of honor at my wedding, but unfortunately she couldn't make it. I told her that she was my maid of honor whether she was there or not, though :)

    Since we became friends, I've watched Dawn go through some hard times, especially in her relationships. I wish I knew the right thing to do or say to help her find the man for her, but I guess it will just come in time. She seems to attract people who don't appreciate her...and sadly enough she tends to cling to those people. I guess some of that is natural...women like the 'strong, silent type' and would actually rather be dismissed outright by a guy than coddled and pampered by one. But when it goes to the extreme, it's just hurtful and sad. There needs to be a good balance...two people who know they love each other but who don't lose their identities and opinions in the process. It's hard to do, and a lot of it is purely left up to chance. (Who knew I would meet my perfect match in a Robotech chat room?)

    I want Dawn to be happy. One of my goals in life once I'm rich ;) is to sponsor Dawn to come to the US. I know she wants to come here and meet everyone. I don't know that she would necessarily want to stay, and I wouldn't force her to do anything, but I would love to have her close, so we could hang out in person. It would just be great :>

    I sometimes wonder how we would get along in person. She likes to go to clubs and stuff, and she's a smoker. I imagine she drinks, too, but I'm not sure. Compared to Dawn, I'm pretty boring ^^;; I wonder if she would have fun with me, or if she would need more excitement in her life.

    Maybe someday I'll find out!

    Gaila

    I took off my shoes yesterday and set them next to my desk with my socks lying on top. They've been sitting there since then.

    Seeing them in the periphery of my vision, I've managed to convince myself that they are various other things, since I don't really expect anything to be at that spot on the floor. At once point I thought there was a huge dead mouse lying right next to my feet. But of late, every time I notice my shoes out of the corner of my eye, my brain gives me an image of my dog, Gaila, lying asleep next to my desk. It's a comforting, normal-seeming image, and the first few times I saw it I looked down as if preparing to reach down and pet her. Of course, she's not there. Now that that image has occurred to me, it's all I see.

    It's odd, because I don't know that I miss Gaila. I think I miss the idea of Gaila.

    A few days ago the guys in the chatroom were talking about their dogs. Sam has apparently had a dog like Misho--intelligent to the point of being a member of the family. Carver had a similar experience with his dog, who unfortunately had to be put to sleep recently. As everyone spoke about their dogs, I realized that I had never made that connection with mine.

    I remember the day I picked her out. She was so tiny. I was wearing a tank top with a flannel shirt over it, so I buttoned the shirt and put her inside, carrying her around in the makeshift pouch. The name 'Gaila' came to me out of the blue; to this day I don't know why I called her that. I had been considering 'Leia', but I thought the boys would make fun of me...plus I wasn't sure I wanted to attach a Star Wars reference to my dog. I wanted her to have her own reference.

    When we were finally able to take our dogs home, they lived in the basement for a long time, locked up in cages my dad built. Once they were potty-trained, they stayed in our rooms with us. We were trying to train them to walk with a leash, but we didn't work with them much, and ultimately they never learned. I think AJ got Hairy to be a pretty obedient, intelligent dog, but I never felt that Gaila was anything out of the ordinary.

    She was a fast dog. She loved to run and catch the ball, and 99% of the time she would beat her brothers to it. I once threw the ball for her so much that she almost passed out from heat and exhaustion. I was horrified that she had continued running despite her tiredness, that I had nearly run my dog to death. My parents said that Misho had been like that, too; he'd run until he couldn't run anymore if you told him to.

    I still wonder to this day whether or not I gave my dog brain damage, destroyed her chances of being that intelligent dog I wanted so much.

    I made other mistakes with Gaila. One time, giving her a bath, I wrung out her ears to dry them. Why I thought this was a good idea, I don't know. I think I busted up the cartilage, because her ears aren't flat anymore. They look wrinkled.

    The biggest regretful memory I have with Gaila is what happened when she lost her leg. Dan Yoder had been the one to let them outside that night. It was pitch black out and impossible to see. Due to some construction my parents were having done (I believe it was the retaining wall for leveling the yard), there was a pile of rebar lying in the backyard. Gaila ran right into a piece of rebar and shattered her right shoulder.

    When she screamed that night, I should have gone to her. I didn't. AJ went and got her and someone else ended up carrying her to the car to take her to the vet. The next day, when it was determined that her shoulder couldn't be repaired, AJ and Mom were the ones who made the decision to remove her leg, as it would only be dangling there in the way. They took her in for the operation; I arrived with the family to get her when it was over.

    She came walking out with a huge line of stitches on her shoulder, stumbling towards me. She seemed perplexed by the fact that nothing was holding her up on that side, and she looked like she was on the verge of falling with every step. At that moment I hated everything, but I especially hated myself...for not loving her more.

    I think part of the reason I am not attached to Gaila as much as I try to convince myself I want to be is because I don't want to be responsible. Because I know I am responsible for bad things that have happened to her already. I want her to be safe and well taken care of, and she is those things at home, with Mom. She is Mom's dog now, and Mom watches over her better than I ever did. Mom knows Gaila's eccentricities, like how she can't have dog chews because she'll swallow them whole and choke and vomit all over. Mom has been the one to love Gaila. I was never there for her, even when she slept in my room.

    And so really it's not that Gaila wasn't good enough for me, as I used to think. It's that I'm not good enough for her.

    She's only 17! O_O

    Sam said something tonight on IRC concerning a character of mine that I would like to immortalize.

    <Ironside> But Celia has legs a guy could suck on for a week.
    So...yeah.

    He's actually referring to a picture that Barricade edited, originally from a Korean video game called Magna Carta. Here is his version of the pic. He also says that the line is a movie quote...but what a line. I was like o_o...

    ...a whole week...yum...

    *cough*

    Anyway, it's from The Naked Gun, a movie I love, but actually haven't seen in its entirety. I should go rent it :>

    And that's about it for that.

    My mutant power; plus, musical musings

    My current blog entries--or lack thereof--would indicate that I haven't eaten food in awhile, but that is not actually the case. Yes, I'm afraid that I have been lying through omission, and so now I will come clean.

    Last night I ate:

  • probably four ounces of roast chicken

  • 1/2 cup peas

  • 2 cups garden salad with 2 tbsp ranch dressing

  • 1/2 cup green seedless grapes


  • I also had two Slim-Fast shakes, one of which was regrettably made with some whole milk, as I have exhausted the skim milk supply. Later on in the night as I grew more despondent and bored, I ate

  • one fat-free yogurt


  • and

  • one Slim-Fast snack bar


  • I'm pretty sure that's all the damage I did, though.

    My only meal today consisted of:

  • one thick piece of buttery garlic bread

  • three bites of spaghetti, taken before the realization that the meat was pretty old and didn't really taste all that great

  • 1/2 cup salad with a smidgen of ranch dressing

  • one quarter pounder with cheese

  • one medium fry

  • one medium Dr Pepper


  • After the fiasco that was the dinner I'd slaved over for a whole hour (gasp!), Sean and I ran out to Checkers. I felt ill for a little while, but it soon passed. (I swear, my mutant power is the ability to digest ANYTHING. This is, perhaps, not so much a power as it is a curse.)

    As I ate my lovely burger and fries (and drank that lovely cup of caffeine), I began to feel much better. In the chat room I was bouncing off the walls, and as you can see below I was also playing Dynomite. Too. Much. Fun. I didn't beat any of my high scores, but I was really enjoying myself. I was also talking out loud. For example, when the game said "Uh, Whirley's coming!" I would respond, "Come on, Whirley! Let's be friends! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Then, of course, I would whack him. Other comments included "Dammit," "Shit," and "AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

    Somehow Celine Dion's song "My Heart Will Go On" came up as a topic for discussion in the chat, and so I pulled out my old, dusty mp3 and gave it a listen. Such a good song. After that I started waxing sentimental about old pop music I used to listen to, so I played several mp3s from Madonna's Ray of Light album. I really loved that album for awhile; back at GRW I used to listen to it all the time. That and Ace of Base's The Sign.

    Right now I'm listening to Donna Lewis' "I Love You Always Forever". I was living in Huntsville when this song first came out. At the time I was somewhat infatuated with one of the guys taking ground school with me out at this little podunk airport north of town. He had this dark, musty look to him...he looked like he had some good stories to tell. And he was always going on adventures. In fact, eventually he stopped coming to ground school because he'd not only 1) gone to Germany but 2) fallen in love with a girl he'd met while there. Guys like that just fascinate me. I can't imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship with one...but then I don't know if guys like that are stable enough to have a long-term relationship.

    In any case, whenever the Donna Lewis song came on, I would picture his face in my mind...and when she sang the line "You've got the most unbelieveable blue eyes I've ever seen," I would think "green"...because boy, did he ever.

    Wednesday, August 6, 2003

    My gaming box...not so much

    I have long operated under the assumption that my computer is good enough to play games on, should I ever feel the desire. Now, though, I have to seriously question that.

    Today I was listening to an mp3 in WinAmp and running all my normal programs--AIM, ICQ, mIRC, and IE--when I decided to play Dynomite. I opened the program and began playing. I had gotten pretty far into the game when suddenly the game jerked and stuttered just as Whirley was going by. I missed him, which seriously annoyed me. Soon I decided to quit--I don't like playing the game with the extra egg color. It gets too hard to differentiate in my peripheral vision.

    So I closed the program, and then I got to thinking. Why did it hang? So, as an experiment, I did CTL-ALT-DEL and watched the CPU usage as I played another game.

    The results?



    Sean says it looks like Dynomite is rendered in 3D. That's all well and good...but it still irks me that I should need a faster processor just to play what is essentially a 2D shooter.

    Tuesday, August 5, 2003

    Update!

    Yup. Computer stuff. More specifically, his computer stuff, which he had taken to work so that he could install his new motherboard.

    Crazy...

    He says that one of his coworkers looked into the case and said, "Jesus, Sean, it's immaculate!" Yes, that's my husband. He builds the tidiest computers known to man.

    "Are you decent?"

    Sean just called to ask me if I was "decent". I suppose that's a testament to my laziness; a lot of the time when he comes home I either am still wearing my nightgown, or lounging around in a towel after my shower. Today, miraculously, I actually have clothes on. Apparently he is bringing some stuff home that he will need help in carrying upstairs. I'm not sure what it could possibly be, but I'm sure it's something to do with computers, or work, or maybe it's books that he hadn't brought to the apartment yet. In other words, something boring ;)

    Rewarding myself

    Sam made a pretty good suggestion last night. He said that if I manage to drink a Slim-Fast instead of actual food, I shouldn't have to write a post about it. He said to think of it as a reward. I do believe I will follow that idea, because all these posts are driving me crazy.

    Monday, August 4, 2003

    Food

    I haven't eaten anything yet today, but I just sucked on a piece of hard candy--cherry-flavored--so I suppose I should write something.

    I have been up since around 2:30, when FedEx stopped in to drop off Sean's new motherboard. (His RMAed motherboard, since the one he'd bought was bad. And speaking of Sean, he just got home. Yay!)

    Well, I ended up leaving this open while I went and made dinner. We're having:

  • two hotdogs

  • macaroni and cheese

  • squash

  • green beans


  • I'm also drinking some really tart sugar-free pink lemonade. Mmmm.

    I think when I write my story for this, it will be about the wedding, or the honeymoon. I really need to cover those topics.

    For now though, I'm going to eat. ;D

    OMG!



    I love Penny Arcade.

    Sweet and sour exercise ennui

  • Small bowl of rice and sweet and sour chicken, left over from when we had Don and Suzanne over for dinner


  • I figure this is okay because it's dinnertime. For me. Because I stay up late and get up in the afternoon.

    I'll need to get some more rice soon...I just ran out of the stuff I bought at the Korean market and the bit I had left over from the Japanese grocery in Kentucky. All I have now is a bag of long grain white rice that Sue gave me. It really doesn't taste as good as the short grain Japanese brand rice, unfortunately :/

    I was talking in the channel about how I need to start exercising. Sam says that walking isn't enough, that tennis is okay, but that he recommends fencing. The first two I can do at my apartment complex for free...so maybe a combination of those?

    Blah. The worst thing about exercise is how boring it is. I love how good I feel afterwards, but the whole monotony of it really gets to me.

    Sweet and sour chicken = teh yum. I was just thinking that a sweet and sour chicken pizza would be faboo.

    I am suddenly very depressed. I am pretty much double the weight I should be. I have no idea what to do about it. Or rather, I have ideas, but I have no follow-through. I don't know what to do about that.

    Gonna stop writing now.

    I have an oral fixation! Plus, I am a distant relative.

    I am now convinced that I have an oral fixation.

    There is no possible way that I could be hungry. No way in hell. In fact, I feel that if I ate something, I would become nauseated. The mere thought of putting food in my mouth right now makes my entire body protest.

    And yet--for some inexplicable reason--I want to get something to eat.

    It's not like I have anything in particular in mind. I just feel the urge to munch. Even though the act of munching would make me feel like puking.

    WTF?

    I've believed in my oral fixation for awhile now. After all, I am always putting things in my mouth. I never chew on pencils--that's gross--but I do play with clumps of my hair, brushing them with my fingers and then putting them into my mouth, holding them there and then blowing them out with a poof and starting over. I also like to always have something to drink nearby, whether it be soda or water or sugar-free juice. Whatever's on hand. The reason I keep trying to stop drinking soda is because I can easily imbibe 500+ calories a day that way without noticing. Of late, water doesn't seem like enough. It seems too empty, too boring. I always seem to want some sort of flavor. It's quite detrimental to a balanced diet ;P

    What do you do when you have an oral fixation? Is there a way to deal with it other than just keeping water on hand?

    Paul's party was pretty fun. As usual, his large family was there. I don't know all of their names yet; I've never been good with names. It's part of being antisocial, I think.

    Here are the ones I do know. First, Paul's mother Sue, who is half Japanese and thus knows how to make all sorts of great Japanese food. She is married to Barney, who is thus Paul's stepfather. Sue has a daughter, Mickey, who is older than Paul and pregnant. She and her husband Bart were in attendance. Then there are Paul's younger siblings, April and a boy whose name I can't remember unfortunately. I am not sure if they are Sue's children with Barney or Barney's children with someone else or what. My severe lack of knowledge is pretty sad.

    Then there was Sue's brother...and I can't remember his name. He and his wife Trisha and their daughter and Trisha's parents were there. I know Trisha and her father from "yard-saling"; Sue invited me along one Saturday morning and I got to watch their bargain eagle eyes in action. So it was cool to see Trisha again; she's nice. I don't remember her daughter's name. There was a baby there named Katie or something...I couldn't figure out if she was Trisha's daughter or her daughter's daughter o_o

    That is about all I can remember. There was a whole slew of people in the next room, too. A teenage guy, and a young girl with a little black chihuahua (at least, I guess it was a chihuahua), and I think some adults...too many to keep track of X_O They're a pretty clannish group, and I feel honored that Sean and I are considered part of the family, so to speak. Still, it is a bit overwhelming to have all those people around at once, especially since I don't have history with any of them. (Heck, having my own extended family all together at once is overwhelming.)

    Anyway, we arrived and walked right in without knocking, waving to the crowd in the living room and moving to the kitchen. I feel the most comfortable in there; not really sure why. I grabbed a plate and loaded up with the goodies I mentioned in the previous post, while Sean declined dinner and waited for dessert--his burger and fries had curbed his hunger. Too bad I couldn't say the same...but even if I could have, I would have eaten something so as not to be rude. o_o

    Dinner was good, and the cake and ice cream were delicious. The conversation was typical for that group, meaning no-holds-barred anything-goes commentary. Mickey and Bart's sex life was discussed, and when the little toddler started looking down her shirt, Trisha crowed, "See anything you like down there?" Their openness is always amusing to me, and it's usually a little more than Sean can handle for any extended period of time. We managed to cut out after a little over an hour; we stayed long enough to watch Paul open his presents, then split. (By the way, if you are dying of curiosity, we gave him money. We figure that's better than any other gift to give a bachelor, living on his own, who was just laid off.)

    So that was it for our outing this evening. My husband is a total homebody, and I'm not much better. Left to our own devices, we might very well crawl into a cave, never emerging except perhaps for sushi and burgers. Perhaps.

    Faye just shared some pictures and movies with me of her kids. "Her kids" is such a strange way to refer to them. I feel a connection with Connor that goes beyond "my brother's son", I think. I was there when he was born and I watched him grow up, seeing him probably 80% of all days after they moved in behind Mom and Dad's house. I've watched--and helped--him turn into a little person. When I look at the pictures they send to me now, I can imagine him moving and speaking, and I even feel like I have an idea of what he's thinking. He's Connor. He's my very special Connor-boy who I love very much. I miss him.

    Seeing the pictures and movies brings me two distinct sensations. There's the missing Connor, definitely. But then I see Logan, and I get a different sort of pang. I look at his face, and I do not see a child who looks like Connor (as everyone else keeps saying). I see a totally separate individual. An individual who I do not know. My new nephew is a stranger to me...so even though I can look at his pictures and say "how cute!" it is not the same way I look at Connor's pictures and say "how cute!" It is a different kind of appreciation. It's more distant. I sometimes feel as though I may as well be looking at the child of a distant relative.

    In a way I suppose I am, given the many miles between here and home.

    Every time I think about this, it strikes me how unfair it is to Logan. Connor got to spend the first three years of his life knowing his aunt, being his aunt's best buddy. He formed a special relationship with me that can never be duplicated. Could never, even if I was local. But Logan has no chance of forming a relationship of his own with me. Not on anywhere near the same level.

    It hurts to think about that.

    I mean, Gabrielle has three kids now. She just gave birth to her own second child, Laef (pronounced "Layf") Marcus Follmer. But I don't feel bad that I'm not there to watch Laef grow up. I feel a distant sort of regret about it, but it's nowhere near the same feeling I get thinking that I won't be part of my brother's child's life. Logan is AJ's son, just as much as Connor is. I want to be there to watch him grow too.

    There is just something about my brothers. Maybe because we were close in age and grew up together and had many of the same friends. I feel a connection to both of them, a very strong desire to be part of their lives and part of their families' lives, even though I often don't feel like I fit in.

    Faye helps a lot in the latter aspect...she makes me feel that I belong, that I am important and special to the family and to her children. I want to have a relationship with those kids. I don't want Connor to forget about me, and I don't want Logan to grow up never knowing me. I want to be there.

    But given the current situation, I don't know how to manage it. We've already signed the lease for another year here in this apartment. The next time I'll see my family will be when Sean and I go up for Christmas...I can't imagine going up any sooner, although I'd love to. Who knows, maybe I will...but I seriously need to get some sort of job. Being unemployed and taking these little jaunts is not good on our budget ;P

    So I'm going to be like Mom was to all the Illinois cousins...the long-distance aunt who visits maybe once a year and brings her children who don't quite get along with "the gang". We were so far removed from our cousins--even the local ones, really--that no firm relationships were ever forged. I don't feel as strong a connection with my cousins or aunts and uncles as I would like to. I feel that Ben and I are very special people in Connor (and now Logan)'s life, and that is far more profound than anything I ever experienced with my own aunts and uncles. But I'm breaking it by not living nearby. If I do manage to have kids, they'll be in the same boat as my brothers and I were.

    Everything we do in life affects others, no matter how independent we might want to be. It's pretty sobering to think about that.

    Sunday, August 3, 2003

    ...guh.

    I have eaten way too much.

    Before we left, I had:

  • the rest of Sean's french fries

  • the rest of Sean's double quarter pounder with cheese


  • Then we went to Barney and Sue's place for Paul's party, where I consumed:

  • baked beans

  • black beans

  • pasta salad

  • "dirty" rice (rice mixed with meat)

  • most of a cheeseburger

  • one glass of sweet tea

  • one scoop of Neapolitan ice cream

  • one large slice of white cake with thick whipped topping


  • Right now, because I am freaking insane, I am drinking:

  • a can of Mountain Dew


  • If I keel over dead in the night, you'll all know why.

    I owe you all a story, a damn good one, but I really feel too ill to think clearly. I promise to come back and write something good. Maybe I'll discuss the party, or maybe I'll dredge up more childhood memories. I could talk about Noelle, maybe, and my trip to see her at Myrtle Beach. Unless I wrote about that already. I'm too fuzzy to remember now, and I don't feel like checking.

    I'm going to go lie down for a bit and let my food digest. I'll be back later.

    Disclosure

    As I was finishing up my Slim-Fast, Sean said, "I'm hungry." I looked over to find him sitting curled up in his chair with his arms wrapped around his legs and his chin propped on one knee, smiling at me with the universal cutesy look that says "Aren't you going to make me something?" He was so adorable that I just started giggling at him. Finally I remarked that we had hotdogs. "That could work," he said, but neither of us moved. I was thoroughly engaged in whatever I was reading--probably celebrity gossip or something, I don't know why that intrigues me so much--and finally he got up. I figured he was going to cook himself some hotdogs, but he came back in the room with his keys and said that he was going to go "pick up something".

    "What do you mean?"

    "I mean I'm going to go pick up something." He always does that. Repeats exactly what he just said. I didn't say "What?", I asked him to elucidate. :> Fortunately, he tacked on, "A burger or something. And I'll get Paul's [omitted in case Paul happens to read this, not that he won't find out in an hour and half anyway] while I'm out."

    "Okay," I said, and turned back to my oh-so-exciting reading. I probably should have gone with him, but meh, I had just had my caloric intake, and besides, he didn't act like he was assuming I would go. Checkers is just across the street anyway, so it wouldn't have been that interesting to ride along. I guess.

    I'm telling you all of this because after awhile of sitting here smelling Sean's delicious lunch/dinner, I finally decided to nick

  • one french fry


  • for myself. I know, I know...I'm incorrigible. I was thinking about cheating and not writing it in my blog...but that would be unfair to you, my readers, my glorious public. No, I shall be honorable. Justice shall prevail! And stuff.

    Connor Reloaded



    This is the sort of thing that happens when I get bored.

    In case you're interested, this is the original picture.

    It's a marathon...

    I'm about done with my

  • Slim-Fast


  • and I'm not really sure what I want to talk about. I guess another ramble is in order.

    Paul just had his birthday the other day. Today we're going over to his parents' house for a little party. This means I don't have to cook dinner. Whee!

    ...

    I finished my Slim-Fast like half an hour ago and I've had this window open for longer than that, and I can't think of anything to write. Instead, I've been reading stuff. I came across this interesting article during my bored procrastinations. Basically this is a group that will train you to run a marathon and then send you to where the marathon takes place--they cover virtually all costs as long as you have found enough pledges to meet their requirements. All the pledged money goes towards cancer research: specifically, leukemia and lymphoma. And you get to travel and get in shape. It sounds like a win-win-win situation to me :) I'm going to start seriously thinking about doing it.

    I have never been fit enough to run a marathon. It would be really cool to be able to run. Even when I was in kung fu, the time during which I was in the best shape of my life, I couldn't run even a mile. There's just something about running. I could stand (or jump) around for two hours throwing kicks and punches, but sustained running always left me winded and nauseated with a horrible stitch in my side. Imagine being able to run a 26 mile marathon and not feel that way!

    Standing on the periphery

    Yes, that's right, you caught me. I'm eating

  • a Klondike bar.


  • So sue me already! Sometimes you just need goodies...

    Here is a special message for a dear friend of mine. You know who you are.

    So I've been going through the PvP archives for the past few days, as you know, and it occurred to me that I read comics about video games without actually being a player of video games. Sure, I can beat King Koopa in the original Super Mario Bros. (after a multitude of tries), and sure, I indulge in PopCap's fantastic Dynomite quite a bit, but I am really no connoisseur (connoisseuse?) of games. Games in 3D intimidate me. I tried to play one of the Mario ones once, and I was totally confused by the shifting camera angle. Supposedly men are better at spatial thinking than women, so maybe I go into it with a handicap. Still, I'm sure I could learn, if I cared to practice. I just don't care to.

    I say that about so many things :>

    Anyway, this whole standing on the periphery of a movement and watching it happen but not really participating thing is typical of my entire life, or at least of most of my relationships. I always feel like an outsider, like everyone else is getting things done and going places and I am just watching and trying my best to catch up. I have this wild desire to be cool and interesting and to have people remember me long after I'm gone. It's really...annoying. I want people to be interested in me, therefore I feel that I must become interesting. I'm not interesting yet, obviously, because I'm not famous yet. Right?

    ;P

    I'm starting to like the design of my Xanga blog better than my main site design. It's sort of annoying me. Then again, maybe it's time for a change on my site. I do, after all, favor the color blue. We'll see if I ever feel like actually changing it.

    Speaking of web design, I still owe my mom a redesign of the No-Dog site, and I also should redo GP4's page and update the Macross 2051 homepage. I really haven't felt in the mood to design a website in quite some time; otherwise, I would do something for Box of Bunnies, the new website for my local circle of friends. But meh.

    I still feel like I'm hungry...like for a chicken sandwich o_o I guess technically I only had two meals today, but still, a sandwich? At this hour? Bleh.

    This is a train! It counts!

    Ah,

  • String cheese


  • that yet isn't string cheese. (It doesn't pull off in strings. Being shaped like a log does not make you a string, it makes you a log. Dammit.) Oh, and I'm eating three of these monstrosities. They taste okay.

    I wasted my anecdote earlier, because Sam told me I had cheated by not putting one in the post about dinner. I still maintain that that was in fact an anecdote...just a very short one whose core was "I read part of a book." But regardless, because I posted another story to make him happy, I don't have any left for this post, which sort of sucks because I have to write something.

    I finally did manage to post for the Ghostriders. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. The actions were all organized and efficient, so they beat the hell out of the incoming Regults. Now they have to pick up Lynn Kaifun. hehehehehehe.

    Sean asked me today if I wanted to finish up Pulp Fiction. I think maybe, now that I know exactly what's going to happen (because he told me), it might not be so bad to watch the rest. I guess I was reacting to it the same way I react to most horror movies: the tension is just too much for me. I don't know what the deal with that is. Does it mean that I couldn't deal with a high-stress working environment? Or are those two things unrelated? (I think I could deal with high stress at work if I enjoyed my job, but who knows?)

    Hey, it doesn't have to be an anecdote...it can be a train of thought. This is a train...see? There are three cars. Four if you count this paragraph, and five if you count the meanderings about cheese. So there!

    Romance in real life

    I got sort of dressed up today. I figured that since I shaved my legs, I should wear a knee-length skirt. Logic is a key factor in all of my decisions, obviously. So I put on my favorite side-zip navy skirt, then my lighter blue polo-esque ribbed girl-sleeved shirt. By girl-sleeved I mean those short, tight sleeves like they have on baby tees, instead of real sleeves that actually cover most of your bicep. A lot of my shirts have the shorter sleeves, so either they're in style or I have just gravitated towards that.

    Regardless, I looked pretty cute. I put in my contact lenses and some earrings with dangly blue hearts, then sprayed on some Ciara perfume...and went back into the office to sit on the computer some more.

    I'd had an inkling that we were going out for sushi, but Sean was very involved with Asheron's Call 2, so I wasn't sure when it was going to happen. I puttered around online for awhile, but I didn't feel like posting or doing much of anything besides reading PvP. Paul popped up to ask if Sean and I wanted to go watch anime at his place after dinner. I glanced over to Sean and tried to get his attention three times. Finally I waved at him, a wide, exaggerated motion that made him roll his eyes, sigh, and take off his headphones. "What."

    Don't you love it when people say "What" and it isn't a question? Me neither.

    So I asked him if he wanted to go to Paul's, and he said he'd think about it and went back to his game.

    This incident, combined with the rampant stupidity of a guy on the IRC channel, did nothing for my mood. I started getting a headache, and I could feel my stomach growling, but I wanted to wait for the sushi instead of grabbing some comfort food. I decided I couldn't handle being logged into any chat programs, so I shut them all down and left the office.

    In the living room, I turned on the TV, discovered (surprise surprise) that there was absolutely nothing on that I wanted to watch (we really need cable), and then just lay down across the couch, trying to relax. While I was sprawled out and moping, Sean poked his head in to say that we would leave for sushi at 8, and that he didn't want to go to Paul's.

    That gave me half an hour to burn. Bored, I glanced over my bookshelves until the Japanese Houses one caught my eye. I pulled it out and started reading. Fortunately, it really caught my interest, and I started to feel much better--if a bit wistful for Japan. At around 8 I went back into the office and logged back onto AIM briefly to tell Paul we wouldn't be coming. Then Sean said, "All right," and we both got up to leave. We kissed a little; I think he had finally detached himself from the game enough to notice what I was wearing. Either that or he just felt like kissing. It happens ;D

    I stepped into my blue sandals and he grabbed his sunglasses and keys. We kissed some more. Moving towards the door, I said, "I take it you like my outfit."

    Sean followed me out the front door. "Yes, very much," he said, and I smiled. He added, "I like you."

    Needless to say, we kissed some more. "I like you, too," I said. Then we tromped down the stairs towards the car.

    Saturday, August 2, 2003

    The aesthetics of serenity

    Ah...dinner.

    There is something about Japanese food that just feels right. It's light and not overpowering, yet it can make me feel completely satisfied. It's not a double quarter pounder with cheese...but after eating Japanese food, I feel that a double quarter pounder with cheese would be excessive to the point of nausea. No...give me my rice, my cutlets of fish--raw or otherwise, my green tea. That is the kind of food to eat if I plan on living for 100 years.

    And I do, of course!

    Before we left for the sushi place I was reading a book I picked up last year called The Japanese House. It's one of those beautiful oversized coffee table books that I adore, filled with gorgeous pictures and fascinating background information. I read about tatami mats, washi paper, shoji screens, and Japanese tea houses. I love the simple elegance of traditional Japanese style, in architecture, interior design, gardens...everything. It's really hard to describe the feeling it all gives me. I just feel comfortable and serene in a traditional Japanese setting. Of course, serenity was one of the main goals of the aesthetic design, passed down through Buddhism and filtering into the everyday culture, so perhaps the ease with which I adapt to it all is understandable.

    In any case, after that light reading I went on to have a light dinner, consisting of:

  • 3 "Augusta" rolls (crab, avocado, and cucumber--yum!)

  • 6 unagi rolls (barbecued eel and cucumber)

  • 1 "Philly" roll (cucumber, onion, Philadelphia Cream Cheese, and salmon--Sean loves them, but they're not for me I suppose)

  • 1 piece of maguro nigiri (raw tuna--I could have eaten more of it, it was absolutely delicious)

  • 3 pieces of unagi nigiri (that barbecued eel again--oh how I love it)

  • 1.5 pieces of tamago (egg--asked for it without rice as we were getting full, but we couldn't finish it anyway. Too sweet and eggy I guess)

  • Two mugs of green tea--the weird kind, I recognize the taste but I can't remember what Todd said it was made of. (Todd, my instructor for the Japan trip in 2001, is something of a tea connoisseur.)


  • Ahhhhh, how deliciously satisfying. At the moment I am partaking of

  • Sugar-free raspberry juice


  • It's good stuff, light and refreshing and a nice end to a glorious repast.