6.20.01

I feel so stupid. I don't know why I'm here or why I try to do things like learn Japanese. I am a slacker. I don't work hard enough. At anything. Not even my trip website. The only thing I do a measurable degree of work on is unspacy.com. How ridiculous! I suppose if I were being paid it would be different.

Anyway, I just got out of Japanese language class. Maybe it's a language class. We are always taught by someone a little Japanese, then we do something w/ IEC students. Today Imoto-sensei talked to us about the Japanese social hierarchy. I thought I understood everything that was going on. He was using examples to show the differences between J&A culture. For the most part it all made sense, but then it got weird at the end, and I wonder if I actually understood any of it.

He drew the kanji for river, then drew the letter A, and asked what it was. I said it was an arbitrary symbol used to represent a sound phonetically. Then for some reason he said that the Japanese students could only hint about something, and the American students would have to guess. I thought this was like before, like when he asked the Japanese students to explain "giri" (obligation). I thought we were supposed to realize that while the Chinese characters are direct representations, the phonetic sounds are still arbitrary. So I tried to explain that to my group in English. Then middle crane [Nakatsuru-sensei] came over and asked me if I understood what we were doing. I said no because the students didn't know what I meant, so maybe I was wrong. She said the students were supposed to describe something and I was to guess what it was. Sooo simple. I felt really frustrated and stupid for making it into some abstract philosophical discussion.

I can't talk about philosophy with the Japanese. I can't explain ideas that aren't concrete. Even this morning when Otoosan was driving me to school, I saw the rain splatter on the windshield, leaving a clear circle around a big round drop. I couldn't explain to Otoosan that I thought that was beautiful, that I'd like to see it in slow motion to see how the circle of water spread out around the drop. So I didn't say anything.

So apparently I was making more out of the discussion than I should have. Sometimes I do that too much. I can see the underlying point a teacher is trying to make (or subconsciously making) and I focus on that instead of the practical side. My head is in the clouds. I can think "deep thoughts", but I don't know anything.

I guess I have to wonder, with my strange attitude towards learning, if I will ever amount to anything.

10:17
Well, while I was in the bathroom feeling sorry for myself, class started. God, I'm turning into such a loser.