Christmas

I am exhausted.

I've been pushing myself to the limit--which really isn't very far, but I'm out of shape ;P--getting ready for the move and the wedding and, of course, Christmas. I made so many different types of cookie this year; I'm pretty proud of myself, but it was a big effort. I also did a lot of the decorating for our family celebration.

We had Christmas yesterday on Christmas Eve, since Faye and AJ and Connor are spending Christmas Day at Faye's mother's house in Cynthiana. So when I got off my eight hour shift that morning, I went to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things I needed--some more white chocolate to dip Christmas tree cookies in, and some bottled water and Coke for Dad--and then went home and finished up the aforementioned Christmas tree cookies. When I say I "finished" I mean I dipped little trees into white chocolate for as long as I could possibly stand, and ended up leaving about half of them undecorated. I made far too many of those cookies. Fortunately, I got enough of them done to put in tins for shipping and still have some left over for family eating.

After finishing those up, I worked on cleaning the kitchen and preparing the living room and dining room for Christmas. I put two more leaves in the table; cleared out the boxes I'd brought from Grandma's--she gave me some things for my new home, and I hadn't bothered to pack the boxes up yet; set the table nicely; cleaned out all the cookie-making stuff from the kitchen and arranged the cookies on the table; and then, as everything was under control and it was noon and the party wasn't till 4, I decided to take a quick nap until 1:45, and so I did.

When I got up I took my shower and got dressed. I decided to look Christmas-y for once. At one of the family dinners this year I didn't dress up, and I looked awful in the pictures, and so I definitely knew I wanted to wear something nice. At the same time, I wanted to make sure I looked like I was celebrating Christmas, and not Thanksgiving or some other fall holiday--many of my nice clothes are in fall colors like brown and tan. Luckily, I came across a short sleeve green shirt handed down to me from Mom, a black skirt with a red and green floral design, and a red button-down sweater. I complemented this getup with some festive jewelry; here's the result:

You can see my beautiful engagement ring in that shot too ;)

So after I was all ready to party, it was only three o'clock. I set to work making my famous corn casserole. Well, okay, it's not really my corn casserole; we got the recipe from Dickie Lee Porter, mother of Isaac, who used to be a total jerk to me in middle school but turned out okay in high school. Anyway, it's a damn good side dish. I also started the tea and peeled the potatoes so when Ben finally arrived he could make mashed potatoes. Then I tried to relax a little bit, and then finally everyone had arrived and it was time to party. AJ, Faye, Connor, Ben, and Dan were there in addition to me, Mom, and Dad. We all missed Manda and Sean; it's too bad they couldn't be here! Maybe next Christmas the whole family will be able to come together.

We had a lovely dinner: ham, broccoli casserole, corn casserole, mashed potatoes, scalloped oysters, peas, green beans, rolls, and Jell-O fruit salad. Everything was so delicious. I somehow wound up eating too much, and I'm still not sure how that happened, but I was unable to finish what was on my plate, and even now, eight hours later, I still feel full. Suffice it to say that I didn't have any dessert (I know, blasphemy!), but I did drink some boiled custard, which was quite good. Hopefully tomorrow I'll feel up to trying some of Faye's apple pie; she makes them so well.

After dinner we cleaned up a bit and let our food settle, then set to work opening packages. Socks were the big thing; I think everyone received them except Mom. ;) In addition to that, I got two Southern Living cookbooks from Mom, a lovely black shawl, hat, and gloves from Ben and Manda, a set of silverware from AJ and Faye, and last but not least the gift I'd been begging for for months: a digital camera, identical to Mom's, from Mom and Dad. This is just like the camera I took to Japan--I'm so excited that I'll have one to take in March!

Connor, of course, got lots of toys, but the biggest toy that was unwrapped was the digital piano Mom got for the boys. They'd planned on using it to orchestrate some music for the band. I'm not sure if it turned out to be what they wanted or not, but it was certainly quite a fine piano. It got me wondering whether or not I should invest in one someday, or just buy a real piano. I'll have to think on that. I lean towards the real piano because, well, it's real, but at the same time a digital one would take up less space and wouldn't need to be tuned. Something to ponder. Of course, it would help if I actually played the piano every now and then.

When everyone descended into the joy of playing with their gifts, I descended into the joy of sleep. It wasn't nearly long enough; right now my eyes are dry and I have a headache and I really just want to pass out. But I'm at work right now (I'm working on Christmas!), so I can't really take a nap. Boo hoo...I'll probably end up watching Full Metal Panic!, like I did last night and the night before. Fortunately, this is my last day, and then I have about a week of free time before I move to Georgia.

Everything's happening so fast :> It'll be nice to get moved in and settled so I can relax into a routine. Of course, after the move and wedding there is the little matter of finding me a job, and then of course there's planning the honeymoon, which is still taking place in March...so perhaps I won't truly get to relax for awhile. We'll have to see.

Being busy like this isn't really a curse, though; for one thing, I choose to be this busy, and for another, I am ecstatic about it. I'm getting married! I'm starting a new life! I am truly one of the luckiest people ever, because I managed to find a man who so perfectly complements me it's scary sometimes, someone I can love and hold and kiss and take care of, someone who is so cute and handsome and smart and witty and sexy and fun that I sometimes wonder what he sees in me. And we get to be together for the rest of our lives! It's such a rush of happy feeling.

I'm also lucky simply because I'm not starting off my new life in debt--my parents were able to pay my college tuition in full, without student loans--and I actually have a lot more of the things I'll need to take care of my own household than a lot of people do when they're first starting out. My aunt Bev bought us a beautiful dining set from JC Penney, my dad is giving us his blue loveseat, Sean's parents are giving us their La-Z-Boy and some nested glass tables, we have other furniture and dishes and silverware and Tupperware and kitchen appliances...man, we are pretty much set. (If you want to see what we don't have, then click here.)

So yeah...I feel really happy and lucky. The only bad thing to happen is that I got a B in one of my classes this semester, meaning that my final GPA is a 3.388. I needed a 3.4 to graduate cum laude...but that's the way the cookie crumbles. I have to admit that the Shakespeare survey was not my top priority these past three months. In fact, it was probably my last priority...and I should probably consider myself lucky to have gotten the B. I wish I hadn't had to take the class at all, though :>

But that isn't enough to dampen my mood, really. I've got too many other good things going on. And I'm graduating, so I don't have to deal with stupid classes anymore! At least for awhile. I do want to get my PhD in Linguistics at some point, and I'm also considering getting an MBA. We'll have to see what happens there. For now I just need a job ;)

The upshot is (did I just write "the upshot is"? -_-), I am very blessed and happy right now. I love my life, I love my family, I love my friends, and I love my future husband.

I also love the fact that this is my last day of working night desk. I am soooooo tired right now.

Forums and fandom

You know that horrible fascination where you don't want to look at a car wreck, but you keep staring at it? How you don't want to see someone twisted and maimed and bloody and torn and dying, but that's exactly what you're looking for anyway?

That's how I feel about Internet forums.

Sometimes I just get so tired of them. I've just witnessed yet another situation in which a group of regulars pounced upon someone for offering up an alternate view, and then spoke among themselves knowingly that there was no point in having a discussion with her because she never changed her mind. They're all a bunch of hypocrites; they've been on the Internet for awhile and they're in their mid to late twenties, so they believe they know everything. This girl they're marginalizing is older than they are, and not a native speaker of English, so her viewpoint is different and it's sometimes difficult to understand what she's saying. But the others don't care; all they care about is the fact that she is disagreeing with them or bringing up points that make them uncomfortable. And so they'll go out of their way, in long, perfectly-written (and boring, I might add) posts, to turn up their noses at her.

I used to think that the Internet would lead to a greater, more open, and more diverse set of interconnected communities...but I see now that the 'net is just like any other medium, any other place. Grand cliques arise before you even know it, and soon if you're not in agreement, you're obviously just being difficult, and why don't you just stop bothering us with your ideas?

And yet I am not sure I can stop reading that forum. I don't even know why; it's not like it's based on anything that I spend my days thinking about. It's based on a television show I happen to like, that's all. Unlike many of the regulars there, though, I don't make cookies in the shapes of my favorite characters, or build elaborate dioramas that fill my room. I just enjoy the show.

Perhaps fans are by their very nature obsessively attached to their own ways of thinking, but I'd like to believe that you can be a fan of something without going 'exclusive'. T. Campbell's Fans! feel more inclusive than exclusive to me--though, going directly against my point here, one of the characters would have survived the current war storyline and become a better person if he'd been excluded in the first place. (He would have learned that he has to stop being a bigot, or people aren't going to like him.) Maybe I would just prefer, if there is a best way to be and to think, that the people who have already attained that way would stop mocking the people who haven't, stop telling them that they have no right to voice their thoughts. All the popular wisdom I've ever gleaned indicates that those who put down others are unsure of themselves, and those who speak as if they know everything are fools. But maybe that's just one of those maxims meant to keep the common man quiet. Who knows.

But even so, cliques do the same thing--keep people quiet. If we say "Stop bothering us with that; go elsewhere to discuss it" then we are effectively cutting ourselves off from ways of thinking that are different from our own. And thought-incest leads to very bad things: hatred, malice, disdain.

No matter how I look at it, I can't see this is being good or fair.

If the forum moderator had rules against it, that would be one thing. But she doesn't; the forum is effectively self-moderated. And thus the Great Clique reigns supreme.

I'm tired of playing by their rules. I hope I don't go back.

Closing up shop

My bookshelves are empty. Out in the hallway, a huge stack of boxes fills the space along the wall between what is my door now and what was my door up until 1996. Soon, this door won't be mine either.

A lot of things I thought I would want to keep initially I've decided to leave here, for Connor, and for the new baby. My collection of Disney movies on VHS, for example. And my stuffed animals. I don't know if I assumed I was taking those or not, but it occurs to me that Connor is the one who plays with them. It will be special for him to have something of mine when I'm gone.

Several of the books I thought I'd be keeping are staying behind, too, such as a book called Everyone Poops that my aunt Bev gave to my mom as a gag gift. I thought it was hilarious and kept the book, but now I think I'll leave it and see if Faye thinks Connor would like it. It's a book about pooping, and Connor's an Aubrey; how could he not like it? I'm also leaving the Popeye film book given to us by Pop-Pop, Mom's father. The book is old and worn and stuck together with duct tape, and besides, it belongs here anyway.

I threw away a few things I'd been keeping for awhile, like my calculus binder from high school. "Mr. Barnes is always right," proclaims the front cover, crediting "Confused Calculus Student" for the brilliant quote. Next to that, "I will try harder," attributed to Boxer. I hated AP Calculus, but I loved AP English, and I knew it at the time, and I suppose that's why I was putting Animal Farm quotes and paraphrases on what was supposed to be a math folder. If I really liked math I would have written some brilliant formula that described the shape of a lightbulb (or perhaps Einstein's head); but to this day my best mathematical joke is as follows: "The cos of leia is a gentle curve." And you'll only get that one if you know that my main Internet nick is cosleia. And that I'm a girl.

Underneath my bookshelf in the area that is too short for books but just tall enough to be annoying, I found my old jewelry boxes. One's wooden with the lid handle broken off, and the other is probably wood too, covered in green vinyl with a mock-sewn diamond pattern notched in. When you open it, the lid is pale yellow with a smattering of gold stars, and there are fifteen unequal fabric cubbyholes in the base for treasures.

And indeed, opening these little chests is like opening a treasure box. I was wondering before I looked inside why I held on to them, but now I know.

In the green jewelry box I found my very first present from a boy, a small three-stone faux diamond pendant necklace. The "diamonds" have turned the color of ash, and the necklace itself is tarnished and broken off at one end. Slightly bent and still sporting two small pieces of Scotch tape is the card, red with holly clusters in both top corners and a sprawling Christmas tree in the center. The card reads: "To: Heather From: Eddie," in left-handed cursive script.

Johnnie Edward Benedict, Jr. was my very first friend after my very first move. I began my life living in a trailer and going to private school in Lexington, but when I was seven we moved to a house, and after a year we couldn't afford the private school anymore. I'd never ridden the bus before, let alone attended a public school, so it was a rather striking change.

We got on the bus our first day of school--I was headed to fourth grade, AJ to third, and Ben to first--with more than a little trepidation...and what should happen first but some rowdy kids yelling "Ha, ha, the Brady Bunch!" I suppose when you're stupid, it's hard to come up with good insults. Immediately depressed by the lack of friendliness, I groused to myself about how these public school kids couldn't count and tried to find a seat.

A boy with rather wavy blond hair, green-blue eyes, and a hawkish nose let me sit next to him that day, and it wasn't long before Eddie and I were best friends. He not only comforted me and joined me in making fun of the lame-ness of the bullies' taunts, but he later introduced me to such things as Michael Jackson, Madonna, the Beach Boys, and Super Mario Bros. We spent fourth and fifth grade together--even during the brief stint where I was quasi-dating a smart-aleck named Anthony Bruner--and remained fast friends. I met Melissa Christopher then too--she was also on our bus route--and the three of us formed a vanguard against Pretty Much Everyone Else. (We even started a club, called WBLF--We'll Be Loyal Friends.) In retrospect, our coalition probably was the beginning of the end of my social life in public school, but back then I didn't care...I had people with me (Eddie, Melissa, Willie Costley, and a few more girls: Callie Lewis and Vicky Lancaster, to name a couple. I remember Eddie once wanted us all to have nicknames; I don't remember anyone's except Vicky's, which was "The Fly" because of her eyes).

Of course, now that I'm waxing sentimental I'm checking up on Classmates.com and Reunion.com to see what all my friends from high school are up to. (Kenneth Burdine has two kids!) It's hard to find people from middle school or elementary school, which is a shame. Fortunately, the friend I remember most from all of secondary school, Noelle Scuderi (Mitchell), and I still keep in touch. In fact, she and her husband John are planning on coming to my wedding. I'm so excited--I haven't seen them since 1998, when they stopped in for a visit on their way down to see Noelle's parents. My hair was much shorter then :>

There's all kinds of other stuff in these jewelry boxes: plastic beads; an odd orange light bulb; screws; a hair clip; skee-ball tickets from Showbiz Pizza Place; a small Gumby toy; a laminated picture of me at around six sitting next to my mother when she got her drivers license renewed one time; a silver jingle bell bracelet that almost still fits; one of the original No Dogs that Dad and I made by hand--cutting individual pieces of aluminum, drilling holes in them, sawing out the legs with the band saw, and then sanding them down--in a small leather case that I made; and a leather wallet that used to belong to my great uncle Lewis, Dad's uncle on his mother's side, filled with paper money from when he was in Europe during World War II. Those last two items are special treasures, and if nothing else I'll keep them. I don't want the jewelry boxes themselves anymore, though they served their purposes well in their time. I really do have Too Much Stuff(TM). But there are some things I feel compelled to keep, things that connect me to my past and my family.

Speaking of which, it's about time I resumed my efforts to drag those boxes downstairs.

Modern legends and myths

It has occurred to me, just now, that our modern myths and legends are stories such as Walker, Texas Ranger and Andromeda. You know the kind. These shows, no matter how inventive they are, all fit the same pattern: the good guy always wins. You could say that he is destined to win. Bad things can happen to him, but if he didn't win, people wouldn't watch the show. The Pretender, JAG, Renegade...I'm not sure what came first, but perhaps it was The A-Team. And suddenly we have a proliferation of media in which justice is served and the good guy comes out on top. What can we call these shows? Some of them are probably classified as "dramas", though I think to have a drama you can't have the certainty that something good is going to come of it. (In fact, in movies, it seems that a drama has to have a sad ending...if it's happy, it's more than likely going to be put in Blockbuster's "comedy" or "romantic comedy" section.)

And so what label do we stick on these things? I'm going to have to stick with "legend" or "myth". Obviously what happens in these shows could not happen in real life. No one wins that consistently. And yet we love it...there's not one of us who doesn't at least secretly like one of these types of shows. Well, except maybe Sean, but he's weird ;>

This line of thinking came to me because I've been working on a paper comparing Laurence Olivier's 1944 version of Henry V to Kenneth Branagh's 1989 version. Branagh's version felt more sophisticated to me; King Harry was hardly perfect, but I loved him anyway. He felt like a real, true person. Olivier's Harry was quite idealized, and there were even parts cut out of the original story that could have made Harry look bad. So to me, Olivier's film was mythic in nature; it put King Harry on a pedestal and worked hard to keep him there, and in so doing made him two-dimensional. Sure, he had a personality, but he didn't feel like a real person. Branagh, on the other hand, was brutally honest in most cases, staying in general quite loyal to the original Shakespeare script. He used a bit of artistic license to enhance the effect of Harry's trials on the audience, and I believe that on the whole he was successful.

But does that make Olivier's version bad? I've been thinking about it, and I have to say no. It's pretty obvious that people need myths. Why would they be so popular otherwise? We want something to believe in, want it so badly that we will suspend our disbelief in the ideal so that we can be told fantastic stories about great men and women who can do anything they set their minds to. We want heroes.

And just because something is popular doesn't make it bad. It might mean that it has something to do with what it means to be human.

Now I'll content myself to await all the emails from the cynics crying things like "Oh God, if Christina Aguilera's 'music' is part of what it means to be human, then just shoot me now!"

Idiot!

What kind of idiot assigns two projects that make up 60% of the final grade over the very last weekend of the semester? The kind of idiot that teaches a Shakespeare survey course, I suppose.

There are no happy Wal-Mart clones where I live

The Wal-Mart People Greeter hates me.

I know, because when I went into Wal-Mart this morning to search for cheap-o wedding invitations (they turned out to be too cheap-o, unfortunately), and I smiled at her and said "Good morning," she frowned and turned away as though I smelled of manure. But I didn't, honest!

Then, after I checked out (of course I bought something else; you think I can just go into a store, look for something, decide not to buy it, and then walk out again without buying anything else? Madness!), I carried my bags past the same lady. Wondering if she would want to see my receipt, I smiled at her. She frowned again and looked away! What, was she jealous of my awesome Land's End coat? Did she resent the way I'd pulled my hair back into a ponytail because it was a little dirty today? Does she hate my glasses? Or is she perhaps bitterly suspicious of anyone who attempts friendliness, because her husband of 50 years (she was damn old after all) ran off and left her with half the bridge club?

It's too bad Wal-Mart isn't anything like it is in the commercials. I think they must grow those people who love working at Wal-Mart in jars somewhere in a secret lab, and then raise them inside a Wal-Mart so that they are perfectly acclimated, and then give them the honor of actually working in one, and that's why they're so ecstatic in the commercials. But this process must be really expensive, which is why they never send any of the happy clones to the Wal-Marts where I shop. They have to reserve them for the ritzy, upscale places, like Columbia County, Georgia--where a Super Wal-Mart is constructed, I kid you not, entirely of beautiful brown brick. Never in my life had I thought that a Wal-Mart could look that good.

Maybe when I move to Georgia and shop at the Columbia County Super Wal-Mart, the People Greeter will like me.

Back from Georgia

Look, I've taken a cool overexposed picture of myself! Can I join the l33t w3bm0nk3y club now?

You might notice something new in that picture. My engagement is official, per the traditional dowry purchase of my body and soul via diamond ring. Silly historical concerns aside, it is a damn fine rock. And I am changing my name.

I went to visit Sean for the past week and a half, leaving on November 22 and returning today. It was a great trip. We found a place to live and put in our application. Cheryl and Reid bought us our wedding rings, and Sean gave me the aforementioned hunk of diamond goodness. We also got our blood tests and obtained our marriage license. The woman at the desk informed us when we arrived that "I usually don't do this after 4:30." We thought that was cute. Yes, this office is open until 5. But I stop doing my job at 4:30. Sorry. Fortunately, she wasn't quite that obnoxious, and she went ahead and processed us. She even sounded halfway sincere when she told us "Congratulations"! Now all that's left is to find a place to get married, and go ahead and do it already.

There are plenty of stories I could tell about my trip, and hopefully I will later, but for now I'm quite tired. The eight hour drive wasn't too bad, but it's been a long day in all. それで、good night, everyone.

Apparently I'm moving to a hell-hole!

http://www.graffiks.com/dylan_articles/dylan30.html

The condescending arrogance of the astoundingly ignorant

Someone told me on a forum three days ago in a very condescending manner that I was "pretty much correct" concerning a kanji reading, and that as for China, they imported their writing system from Japan in "several waves".

I have been so incredulous ever since then that I keep mentioning it to everybody. How in the world does a person get the idea that China got its writing system from Japan? I mean, sure, I didn't know much about Asia before I started taking Japanese culture classes, but still...even European history shows how freaking old China is, and how advanced they were ages ago. Japan, on the other hand, as we know from American history, secluded itself so much until recently that they had quite a bit of catching up to do, and that holds true regardless of the fact that now they lead the world in many ways. I mean...I am just completely astounded.

I told that girl how it is, and she hasn't bothered to reply to the thread. Oh, well.

Quick post from the library

I finished my topic and bibliography thingy and printed it out by 9:35. Class started at 9:30. Good thing she doesn't take attendance! Going to drop it off now, and then Dotty and I are going out for breakfast. :D

Ambivalent apathy

I have become rather apathetic towards school. It's not the same kind of apathetic that I usually feel at this time of the semester; typically I'm looking forward to new classes and a new schedule, but now I'm looking forward to graduation...and so these two niggling classes that remain seem even more inconsequential. I'm honestly interested in them, but at the same time I could care less. It's really odd. I just hope I manage to get a 4.0 this semester, as that would bump my cumulative GPA into cum laude range. I'm expecting As in both classes, but if I don't watch it, I might mess up.

I have a paper topic and preliminary bibliography due tomorrow for a paper that should actually be pretty fun to do. I'm going to be comparing two stage/movie productions of Shakespeare plays. That really sounds neat and intriguing! But when you set that alongside the fact that I'm going to be moving and getting married and getting my first "real" job and starting my new life, it just sort of seems lackluster. When it comes down to it, I'd rather be surfing the 'Net looking for possible wedding sites (as I've been doing during work all week) or packing up my stuff for the move (as I've been doing with my time at home, other than sleeping and the AMRN of course). And so I haven't picked my specific topic, and I haven't found any sources yet. And I don't really care. I'm going to get up and do it in the morning before class, and if I have to I'll just skip the class and hand it in later...it's due by 2 pm, so I'm not really worried about it. I also have some minor things to get out of the way for my writing class, but the workload is really light this week (probably since everyone has been freaking out lately), so I'm not worried about that either. I'm just hoping I'm not "not worrying" too much, because I'd seriously love to graduate cum laude. For a long time I didn't think it would be possible. I may receive some departmental honors, but for my overall GPA to also have honors attached to it is quite an accomplishment, given how much of a slacker I was in the beginning.

So I will get my work done and try not to slack off too much...but there are so many things I would rather be doing. There is so much packing left to be done. I've bagged up all the clothes I don't plan on wearing between now and January, so that's an accomplishment, and I've also boxed up about half of the books I keep in my room and most of the collectibles/decorations. That was a fair amount to accomplish today, but I feel like there's so much left to do. I hope I get it done quickly so I'll have time to do fun things during the holidays, like bake cookies :) I love baking!

I broke my diet quite a bit this week, so I'm starting over. I'm trying not to stress too much about it. Things will be cool; I just need to show a little restraint, and make sure there is food around that I can eat.

I recently downloaded an enormous amount of Initial D mp3s from some Chinese website that shut down before I was completely finished leeching. They are awesome. A few of them, though, have skips and errors, and this is annoying. I need to go ahead and label the ones that have messups so I can look into replacing them somehow (or at least so I know what I'm getting into when I play them).

Regardless, I sent some of my favorites to Sean, and he really likes them too :) I'm hoping we'll watch Initial D together when I visit him (I'm leaving on Friday! Wh00t!), but he has his heart set on watching RahXephon first. I don't have anything against RahXephon, and I do want to watch it, but for some reason when people want me to do stuff I get all obstinate about doing it and start doing other stuff first. So I've put off RahXephon until this trip, and we'll watch it together during the time we're not running around Augusta looking for a place to live. Should be fun.

My anime collection continues to grow, but I haven't updated my list lately. I have actually stopped downloading for the remainder of the year, excepting files hosted by Fumei Anime, because every time I start burning to DVD in earnest, my computer decides to blue screen, sometimes just once and sometimes several times. A blue screen in Windows 2000 is nothing to sneeze at, since they're nigh impossible to achieve. (But you know me--I'm so special, I can do anything.) Once I've moved to Georgia, Sean is going to install my new, larger hard drive, and he is also going to fix the burning problem. That will be quite a relief; I'm never quite comfortable when my computer isn't working properly. (As my mom says, it's like the feeling you get when one of your kids is sick. Although I guess you don't really "use" children the same way you use your computer...and besides, I don't have kids, so how would I know how that feels?)

I'm looking forward to going to sleep. Sleep is a great way of avoiding problems. I'll go to sleep tonight completely ignoring the fact that that bibliography is due tomorrow. Procrastination is so much easier when you can explain it away with excuses like "Well, I have to sleep sometime, you know."

I can't wait until Friday!

Star Wars

It's funny because it's true...

I think directors should only revise their works later on as long as the original version that everyone fell in love with to begin with is still available. But hey, that's just me...what do I know?

As for Episode II, I've told a few people my theory about Anakin and Padme. Basically, I am convinced that they are not in love at all. Anakin is looking for someone to replace his mother, and Padme is looking for a life. Since the Anakin one is pretty obvious to anyone, I'll only go into more detail on the Padme issue.

In the Episode II novel it's even more painfully obvious than in the movie that Padme has been dedicated to politics and working for others so much that she has practically no personality, and certainly no life. She gets all weepy when she takes care of her sister's children, wishing she had a family of her own, something of her own. Anakin, a rebellious (and, frankly, hot) young Jedi is the perfect way for her to break out of her good girl mold. Unfortunately, she's been suppressing herself for so long that when she finally starts to break free, she goes overboard with her emotions. It's because she's so ecstatic about having a little danger in her life that she is able to ignore--or even think she can somehow cure!--Anakin's violent tendencies. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if their relationship follows a standard spousal abuse pattern.

And so I have no problem with the stilted love scenes, because I feel they perfectly demonstrated that what Anakin and Padme have is certainly not love.

This is not to say that I will be happy to watch Padme spiral deeper and deeper into the role of the abused wife. That will be depressing. But it will fit. It will explain everything.

I just hope George's neck doesn't speak up and talk him out of it...

Financial relief!

日本語が上手に成りたいですよ！

I love this Blogger thing...it makes posting so easy...

Well, the financial troubles I was talking about before are much less of an issue now. Here is how it happened, and why ultimately I was higher than a kite yesterday:

I was hanging out with my mom, waiting for my latest short story to print out fifteen times, and we started discussing how in God's green Earth I was going to get all my stuff to Georgia. Out of the blue, I asked her, "Would you come with me? I'd love it if you helped me set up my new home."

She seemed very flattered, and said in a stern-ish voice, "Well, I didn't want to visit you until you were married." She refused to visit AJ and Faye when they were living together, and she won't go to Ben's apartment now either. I'm not sure what this accomplished in either case, although it's true that AJ is married now and Ben is planning on getting married. Still, it seems like a vain attempt to allow us to live in sin by pretending not to condone it. It's just weird. I was wondering if she would pull the same thing with me, and apparently that was on her mind as well. "But I don't know, things are pretty slow around here at that time of year. I think I could do it."

One of my goals in life has always been to make Mom happy. I don't think this is particularly unhealthy, although I do think it's important for me to weigh the issues before making a choice instead of just going along with whatever Mom wants. So I considered for a moment, and then said, "Well, what if you and I went down there with all my stuff and then Sean and I got married real quick? And you and Cheryl could be witnesses."

"That could work," Mom said.

For a spur of the moment idea, it really got me thinking. Everything would work out perfectly that way. We could have a small, intimate ceremony that didn't cost much, and then I could get on his insurance right away, and the name change would go into effect before I had to get my new drivers license, so I wouldn't have to get two to keep it current, and we would be married right away so I would (once again, ha!) be the kid that "did it right" (I am so competitive with my brothers!), and we could just send out marriage announcements to people, and gifts could arrive well before the honeymoon which is more logical anyway, and we'd have time to save up for the honeymoon...really, the plus sides of this are staggering, and it's amazing I didn't think of it before. I guess this is what you call "thinking outside the box" or a "paradigm shift", because I was trapped in financial woes when I believed that my wedding had to be in March and had to have 75 guests and had to have a lovely reception with cake and catered food, and now I feel so light and free and happy!

I ran back and asked Sean about it, and he said, "Sure. I have no problem with that." I was so elated! I started bouncing off the walls, and I got my homework done early, and I ran around talking to everyone. I told Ben about the plans and said that it would be great if he could come too...we're still not sure who would stay at home with the dogs, but that's a relatively minor issue given all the money we're going to save and all the good things that are coming from this. I will miss whoever doesn't get to come, though :/

But I don't know, I'm too happy to be worried about that. That is pretty selfish, but hey, with all the angst I've had lately worrying about how the hell I was going to pay for the wedding I'd promised everyone, I deserve a little relief! Really, I do! ;>

Man, I am so excited!

And next Friday I will be going to see Sean! Yes, Thanksgiving break will finally be here soon, and I'm taking the first part of the week off so I can go be with him and find an apartment and search for a place to hold the little wedding. If we don't find a place, the courthouse is fine with me. (You know, some of the prettiest buildings I've ever seen are funeral homes. That's so unfair!)

So soon I will be a college graduate with a silver (well, white gold) ring on my finger. MAN! And I'll be living in another state, and I'll have a job...it's crazy! But so exciting!

Life rocks :D

An angst-fueled rant about webcomics

A lot has been going on with me lately, not the least of which is the constant worry about finances that has pretty much fucked up my opinions about everything else. RPGs? Pointless. School? Boring. Family? Well, they're okay when they're not being annoying. But of course, the worst of it is reacting in irritation to Sean. We had another one of our non-fights last night--they're fights, but in the end we both start to realize that we're arguing the exact same position. And so we took some time to recover from that and reaffirm some of our goals, and it was really refreshing to just let the emotions out. The worry is still there, but some of the pent-up frustration has been released, and that's good, at least. It is important, however, to keep that historical background in mind as I move on to my next topic, which is slackass webcomics.

I went to MegaTokyo today, only to see a DPD. Okay. This I don't get. The dude loses his job and promptly writes a dissertation about how now he has all the time in the world to devote to the strip, and so he won't ever miss another one...and what does he do but be late with the first strip after that, and not even have one for the next deadline? Mr. Gallagher seriously has some time management issues. Oh, certainly, he's not on par with Mr. Fire, but I find the constant promise-breaking extremely annoying. If these people want to make a living doing their comics, they need to get off their asses and actually provide the product. I'm not paying you for your (debatably) pretty site design, or your extremely long-winded rants about your life, and I might not buy your graphic novel, especially if I don't think there will be any decent content in it. I am willing to subscribe to webcomics I love, and that's why I pay for Keenspot PREMIUM and Sluggy, but I am getting tired of webcomics whose authors/artists continually bitch and moan about how they want to make money but can't, and post these whines in lieu of a strip. People who aren't trying to make a living at it can miss an update. That's fine. But people who claim that they want to do this for a vocation need to RTFM. The last time I checked, people don't just go outside and throw cash into the air and then walk back into their houses. We usually like to get something in exchange. Maybe it would be easier for people to understand if I explained that it works like the barter system. You give something, you get something. Is that clear enough for you?

Grah. At least I'm not alone in my frustrations.

On a side note, because of the DPD I decided to go read the MT archives, and I was intrigued to discover that the beginning of the comic is radically different, and far funnier, than the comic is now. Largo also actually seems to be a person instead of two-dimensional comic relief. It really underscores the fact that the comic is now "online manga" and it's all about Piro and his Love Hina-esque relationships.

I still don't like Mr. Gallagher's art.

o misery

[19:55:22] <COSLeia> o the misery of life
[19:55:28] <COSLeia> now, having thusly heated my dinner
[19:55:36] <COSLeia> yea, now must I wait for it to cool
[19:55:39] <COSLeia> o misery, misery
[19:55:57] <COSLeia> o sweet anticipation
[19:56:09] <COSLeia> o misery, o sweet miserable anticipation
[19:56:10] <COSLeia> yea

GAMU TEIPU MATCHI!!

ガムテープマッチ！！

I literally had to remind myself to close my mouth during that race. Twice!

拓美はすごい！！

Initial D is one of the most exciting things I've ever watched. I can't believe I deleted the episodes Hai gave me before! このヘザーは馬鹿だよ！

"It would've worked if you hadn't stopped me."

In writing class yesterday, we workshopped a story by Matt Steele called "The Programmer Goes Back to Work". It was written in a trance-y, dream-like prose, wherein the programmer shapes his own reality through programming languages, but ultimately fails to build the world he wants to live in. Dotty suggested that Matt delve into this theme more, perhaps having the programmer discover an equation that defines the world. Across the room, Holly and Shelley suddenly began thinking of the movie Pi (although I personally found that idea reminiscent of the end of the novel Contact).

"I just like the part where he drills holes in his head whenever he gets migraines, because that's really what you feel like doing," Shelley said.

"I thought that was a dream," piped up someone else.

"Yeah, he didn't really do that, that's impossible," Shelley responded, "but it's just such a real image to me."

I hadn't seen the movie, but I put in my own two cents anyway. "Egon Spengler tried to drill holes in his head."

There was a long pause, and finally Shelley started to say, "Who's that--"

"In Ghostbusters."

I finally retreated, beaten back by the blank stares of my classmates. Honestly, what is the world coming to when people haven't seen Ghostbusters?

Struggles

I'm working on my short story. The revision is due today.

It's about a girl who struggles with her weight problem. The story really hits too close to home, though writing it has been illuminating and gave me the strength to begin my diet in the first place. Unfortunately, writing it now is just making me hungry :P I've had my "shake for breakfast", and it'll be awhile before it's time for my "shake for lunch", but maybe in an hour or so I can let myself have one of those snack bars. They're pretty good. I'll try to eat it slowly. I don't feel like I'm making any real progress, but I have to keep trying. Maybe it's just going slow.

Sean remarked to me last night that quoting a huge chat log on my journal doesn't really do much for him. I suppose that makes sense. I'm just so uncertain about my feelings concerning politics and war that I'd rather people see my stream of consciousness than a well-written essay that might be, well, wrong. But of course, now that I've identified this weakness, I'm going to have to face it eventually.

I'm also going to have to face Milla Frank. She, too, is a character with weight problems who hits too close to home, though she has mostly overcome her overeating habit. Lately I've had trouble writing for her, or doing anything with her really. Getting inside her head depresses me, but it would be unrealistic to make her suddenly happy. I was reading the text for my writing class and it asked if I was avoiding confrontation: "Did another character conveniently knock on the door?"

I was flabbergasted, and then I started laughing out loud, because that is exactly what I did here to avoid the situation. If any of you out there are writers, you'd do well to pick up Writing Fiction by Janet Burroway, because it is so good at identifying and explaining common problems writers have. Really, I wish I'd had this book when I first started doing writing workshops; I feel like it's only now that I'm actually starting to learn anything about writing.

Part of that, though, is due to my excellent instructor, Kim Edwards. She's a published writer, as were the rest of my writing instructors, but she is also a teacher, and I think that makes a difference. Along with her husband, the director of UK's TESL program (I had his classes last year), she traveled around Asia teaching English as a second language. I think that experience has helped her to deal with lots of problems that my other writing instructors tended to ignore--if they could even see them at all. She's very good at helping us to understand writing, and that's important. My other workshops weren't a challenge for me; this one is. I want to do my best work for her.

And so here I am working on my story revision. Even wanting to do my best hasn't forced me to completely curb my procrastinator's soul. The revision, along with a group of exercises and some reader responses, is due in five hours.

このヘザーは頑張りますよ！

It's a trap!

Kevin suggested this awhile back and I just had to make it. I still laugh out loud whenever I look at it. Good ol' Admiral Ackbar.

Connor spent the night last night, so he was here when I got home from work this morning. He's dressed in one of my dad's blue long john tops, and looks absolutely adorable. Pictures cannot accurately portray this, but they can try:

I made a website for Connor once, but it is like two years old now. I really need to get that place updated. Of course, I also need to revamp the GP4 website, so meh. Getting my homework done on time is enough of an achievement for this week, I think.

Speaking of which, I really need to do that. I may take a nap first, since I don't think I got enough sleep last night.

Nickpicks

I'm really anal about timestamps, aren't I?

Some clarifications:

When I said that the characters' names in the Initial D manga from Tokyopop were "translated wrong", I didn't mean "incorrectly". I meant that Tokyopop purposefully used names that were not the characters' names. "Translated" was a poor term to use.

And when I said that older students probably need bilingual instruction, I was referring to those students who came to the US during or after puberty and who didn't speak English fluently when they arrived. Students who arrived as young children can pick up English fairly easily during their formative years, and should need little to no instruction in their native tongue as they grow older--for the purposes of understanding, anyway. I do feel that a person's native tongue is special and important, and there should be community outreach or some sort of system in place to enable them to keep their fluency in that language. However, this should not be the responsibility of the public school system, which has a hard enough time teaching native speakers of English how to read.

Politics

A chat log, wherein I prove that I do some of my best thinking "aloud", and that my political opinions are highly influenced by those of Steven Den Beste:

[05:47:25] <Forte_Gospel> and how are things with you heather?
[05:49:34] <COSLeia> not bad
[05:49:42] <COSLeia> the Republicans have control of Congress again
[05:50:05] <Forte_Gospel> such is the fate of the world I guess
[05:50:36] <COSLeia> lol
[05:50:40] <COSLeia> well, I don't know what that means
[05:50:49] <COSLeia> I don't have a problem with Republicans
[05:50:54] <COSLeia> it might be easier for Bush to get things done now
[05:50:55] <Forte_Gospel> ah
[05:51:01] <COSLeia> we'll see
[05:51:03] <Forte_Gospel> hopefully
[05:51:36] <COSLeia> it's been said that the balance of power between the two parties is what keeps the nation in a nice middle stance
[05:51:47] <COSLeia> but I don't know that we should be in a middle stance all the time
[05:51:51] <COSLeia> during peacetime, sure
[05:52:00] <COSLeia> but when there are issues to be resolved we probably need to just go one way or the other
[05:52:09] <COSLeia> but I don't know a lot about history or politics
[05:52:15] <COSLeia> so I'm leery of making a judgment
[05:52:28] <Forte_Gospel> I don't think the Democrats have the spine to defend our country
[05:52:41] <COSLeia> http://www.cnn.com/ELECTION/KY00senate.html
[05:52:48] <COSLeia> doesn't McConnell look like Steve Forbes? hehe
[05:53:06] <COSLeia> and yeah, I guess you could put it that way...I think the difference is patriotism
[05:53:25] <COSLeia> I think Democrats try to make everything equal and please everyone, which is impossible
[05:53:27] <Forte_Gospel> excellent point
[05:53:41] <COSLeia> and they end up trying to please Europe, or China, or whoever instead of US interests
[05:53:55] <COSLeia> of course denbeste.nu has some interesting articles on the subject
[05:54:06] <Forte_Gospel> I see
[05:54:18] <COSLeia> some people think patriotism is a dirty word
[05:54:25] <COSLeia> and some people think it's the only way to be
[05:54:41] <COSLeia> I am patriotic in the sense that I LOVE THE USA and I think it's fabulous all the things we have and can do
[05:55:08] <Forte_Gospel> The way I see it is that our nation's needs should come first instead of being placed on the backburner
[05:55:09] <COSLeia> I'm not patriotic in the sense that I think everything we do is right, though, and I think that part of what makes the US great is the fact that the power comes from the people...and we have the right and responsibility to question our government
[05:55:23] * COSLeia nods
[05:55:56] <Forte_Gospel> and it seems George W has that same idea in his head
[05:55:59] <COSLeia> I don't think we're responsible to take care of everyone else...we're just responsible to try not to hurt them, I think
[05:56:00] <snipes> what if you need something you don't have?
[05:56:27] <COSLeia> well, imperialism is against the law
[05:57:11] <COSLeia> so if you're implying that we would invade someone else and take it from them, that's impossible :>
[05:57:20] <snipes> hehe
[05:57:24] <COSLeia> there are other ways to "invade" people though, I guess
[05:58:10] <COSLeia> anyway...
[05:58:12] <Forte_Gospel> Personally i believe war is wrong, but you can't argue that it doesn't help the country at least economics wise
[05:58:28] <COSLeia> well, that's certainly true, but I would hope that isn't the reason we're going to war
[05:58:51] <COSLeia> I would also hope that we're not going to war just to make Bush look good
[05:58:56] <COSLeia> but I don't think either of those is the case
[05:59:18] <Forte_Gospel> I think George W has more integrity than that
[05:59:51] <Forte_Gospel> but I will admit that it will probablly get him reelected
[05:59:54] <COSLeia> I think ultimately his goal is to ensure that our way of life endures
[05:59:54] <snipes> I know the news down here is swaying towards he's after the oil to bypass the arabs
[05:59:54] <snipes> but thats just the news
[05:59:55] <snipes> how much do you beleive
[05:59:57] <COSLeia> I know that sounds cheesy
[06:00:13] <COSLeia> hmm
[06:00:15] <COSLeia> after the oil?
[06:00:18] <COSLeia> how exactly would he do that?
[06:00:23] <COSLeia> again, imperialism is illegal
[06:00:30] <snipes> no idea
[06:00:43] <COSLeia> he can't annex the middle east
[06:00:55] <COSLeia> he could try to put puppet leaders in place and take over the companies
[06:01:03] <COSLeia> but I don't think the locals would stand for that
[06:01:04] <COSLeia> nor would Europe
[06:01:52] <snipes> I'm just saying what I see in the news
[06:01:53] <snipes> do I beleive it? dunno, jury is still out
[06:01:56] * COSLeia nods
[06:02:00] <COSLeia> anyway, as to the way of life thing
[06:02:24] <COSLeia> the whole people having the power thing is the primary thing that the government is supposed to protect, when it comes to international relations
[06:02:31] <snipes> the world more like it
[06:02:50] <COSLeia> and so anything that infringes upon the people's rights as delimited in the constitution will be fought against
[06:03:16] <Forte_Gospel> in the end it comes down to justification
[06:03:23] <snipes> hrm
[06:03:59] <COSLeia> I think the government has an easy time justifying to itself, a bit of a harder time justifying to the US citizens, and a hell of a time justifying to the world
[06:04:05] <COSLeia> because our interests are so different than theirs
[06:04:09] <COSLeia> because of the way governments are set up
[06:04:24] <COSLeia> what's important to us is not important to other governments
[06:04:29] <COSLeia> etc
[06:04:40] <snipes> so what do you do?
[06:04:53] <snipes> I think the UN was designed to help in those situations wasn't it?
[06:04:54] <COSLeia> come up with other reasons to justify
[06:04:56] <COSLeia> :>
[06:05:02] <snipes> heh
[06:05:09] <COSLeia> if we say "we're upholding our Constitution" they call it flag-waving
[06:05:19] <COSLeia> even if they are just as vigilant about their own country's laws
[06:05:42] <COSLeia> so when people "explain" why we are fighting
Iraq
[06:05:47] <COSLeia> I don't think they are telling the real reasons
[06:05:52] <COSLeia> they are telling good reasons
[06:05:55] <COSLeia> but those aren't the only reasons
[06:06:20] <snipes> but are they right?
[06:06:57] <Forte_Gospel> being right is just ones interpitation of one's opinion
[06:07:02] <snipes> true
[06:07:07] <COSLeia> well, as to 'right'
[06:07:14] <COSLeia> it's more a matter of balancing interests
[06:07:42] <COSLeia> I consider it a 'good' decision if it helps the US or at least keeps the status quo, with minimal to zero harmful effects to the world
[06:07:50] <COSLeia> but that is really hard to do
[06:08:00] <COSLeia> and nobody can predict the future
[06:08:05] <snipes> yeah
[06:08:17] <COSLeia> I mean, back in the first part of the 20th century people were throwing things away without a care
[06:08:23] <COSLeia> there was this great political cartoon
[06:08:26] <COSLeia> "out of sight, out of mind"
[06:08:30] <COSLeia> and then "out of space, out of time"
[06:08:48] <COSLeia> so it's like "hmm, duh, we should have known that we were destroying the ecosystem"
[06:09:05] <snipes> we're an arrogant species :)
[06:09:06] <COSLeia> but I think the fact that we didn't know that shows that we shouldn't have...if you know what I mean
[06:09:21] <COSLeia> we can't always know everything, and we shouldn't think that we can
[06:09:28] <COSLeia> but that shouldn't cripple our decision-making
[06:09:38] <COSLeia> we just have to do the best we can, and try to fix any mistakes we might make
[06:09:52] <snipes> live life to the fullest ^^
[06:10:02] <COSLeia> there are still things to be done and problems to be solved, and we can't do that if we sit on our hands, afraid of messing something up
[06:10:06] <COSLeia> :)
[06:10:22] <COSLeia> anyway, that's about how I feel, I suppose
[06:10:56] <COSLeia> as for the UN...I am really not sure anymore what its function is
[06:11:17] <COSLeia> I think it would be nice if it were able to juggle all nations' wants and desires and come up with amicable solutions
[06:11:22] <COSLeia> but I'm not sure that actually happens

I have more opinions on language policy than any other

Turnout was described as unusually heavy in battleground states. Since 1990, the midterm elections have drawn 33 percent, 37 percent and 33 percent of eligible voters.

And I thought voter turnout for presidential elections was low...

So the Republicans have control of Congress now, again. That's really all I feel comfortable saying right now. Maybe if 1) I was better with politics; 2) I didn't have a lot on my mind; 3) I had any idea whatsoever what to say, I would write something. It seems silly to even post when I have nothing to say, but heck, Blogger makes it so easy ;P And I figure I should keep writing as much as I want to. It will help me in the long run.

There's an interesting bit at the end of that article:

Massachusetts voters chose to make English the language of instruction for all students in public schools, effectively ending decades of bilingual instruction programs for immigrants.

I wonder if that means that the bilingual instruction programs were ineffective or inadequte, or if the immigrants weren't learning English and therefore weren't fitting into the community very well, or if everyone in Massachusetts is a member of English First. *shrug* Personally, I like English, and it makes sense to have a language that everyone in the country speaks. I think it would be cool if we all spoke more than one language, but picking the second language would be difficult, since there literally are no other languages with the power and prestige of English. I don't say that to be boastful; I did nothing to be born a speaker of English. It just happens to be true.

Regardless, I'm not sure that ending bilingual education programs is the answer. I think Massachusetts should have evaluated the system they were using and revised it. Younger students don't need bilingual education. They can pick up the new language much easier than older students. The older kids, though, probably do need bilingual instruction. It's harder for them to grasp the nuances of English, and so having things explained to them in a language they can actually speak is extremely helpful. Of course, I think a lot of that instruction should be TESL. I am certainly not advocating that we open schools to teach everything in other languages. While that would be really neat, both for immigrants and for Americans who want to learn another language, it's really unrealistic. Imagine the cost!

I have many more opinions about language policy than I do about general politics, it would appear...or at least, they are more solid than my other opinions. Perhaps this is because I know a hell of a lot more about language than I do about history or international relations.

PA, hair, and hunger

Monday's PA reminds me a lot of this one.

So I'm thinking about my hair. It's quite an achievement to have hair this long. So I'm wondering if I really should cut it. Maybe I should just get some bangs. But not traditional bangs, because those look doofy. Just shorter hair in the front. Or something. Does anyone have hair styling tips?

I know Sean likes my hair long, so it might be nice to leave it that way. But my family all says they liked my hair chin-length better. Decisions, decisions...

In other news, I was running late this morning and didn't have time to grab a Slim-Fast for breakfast...and I'm hungry :P I'm thinking about just having a regular breakfast after work and then saving the Slim-Fasts for lunch and dinner. It could work. Of course, that raises the question of where to go and what to eat. I was thinking of the Student Center, but that involves moving my car to the parking structure. I could just stop at McDonald's on my way home, but that's not as healthy. There isn't a huge difference, but there's enough of one. Sigh.

I've got some things on my mind; maybe I'll write about them a little later.

Good to know

"Is it safe?
Absolutely. Astroglide's water-based, non-toxic formula is completely safe. In fact, Astroglide has been enjoyed, and we do mean enjoyed, for nearly a decade. But that doesn't mean we'll ever stop testing it ourselves."

I voted!

I also wanted you all (yes, all three of you) to see how freakishly long my hair is. I'm thinking about getting it cut to chin-length. That will be quite a change, but it looks good that way...so we'll see. First I need to get paid again. I'm running out of money ;_;

Art work

I just discovered that Christopher Baldwin quoted me in his update for today's Bruno. It's kind of flattering to see that he and I are on the same wavelength about art...although that wavelength is sort of depressing.

For my own records, I'd like to quote my original message, Chris' response, and my response to his response below. To add some background material for those who don't read Bruno, the main character in this webcomic is a woman artist who I don't usually agree with, and yet she is perfectly rendered as a character, as a person. Right now she is working in a strip club. She felt that it was something she had to do, something she had to face. I was responding to this, and the fact that her friends were being overly "understanding". But then I just went off on a tangent. I know, hard to believe...;)

My Original Post

I wonder if Bruno is going to get tired of her friends being "understanding" about her stripping. They all seem to make the same kind of uncomfortable jokes, e.g., "Oh, you're dressed to go out [to the strip club], I see", and they are invariably wrong.

Okay, so it's only happened twice...but more than once is enough!

I also wonder if she's going to start making enough money stripping to quit her corporate job. If that happened, I'm not sure she'd be any happier, seeing as how she says she hates her "jobs".

Whatever happened to that online editing she was doing? Did I miss her quitting or something? (I found that job fascinating because I would love to do that myself, but the only way I could really find to do it would be to start my own business. I couldn't find any information about joining someone else's.) Anyway, she seemed much freer when she was doing that--she could travel whenever she wanted to and still have steady work.

I suppose she could always become a "working writer", but that seems to often cost more than it pays out. Many literary journals have submission fees, and then there's postage, and often you only get paid $15, if anything. (Really!) I was actually surprised that she wrote a novel first, before establishing herself as a writer through short stories published in literary journals. My writing teachers all tell me that that is the way to go :>

Another option for Bruno might be a newspaper reporter or copy editor, but these positions typically require a degree. I wish she'd find a way to go back to school. Not because it's what everybody does and therefore she should do it, but because it opens up so many opportunities. I feel bad that she's 28 and stuck in these dead-end jobs. I mean really, where is she going to go? It seems like she could only move laterally, not up the ladder.

And the reason for wanting to move up the ladder are not so that you can make more money, period. The reason is so that you can have the freedom to do more with yourself...which unfortunately costs money in our society.

I wonder if Bruno's depression doesn't partially stem from the knowledge (assumption?) that where she's at right now is where she's going to be for the rest of her life, unless 1) her novel is insanely popular; 2) she goes back to school. That may be why she was so afraid to send off the book...that act signaled her entrance into the proving-ground.

I wish she had married Stanley, because then she could just live however she wanted to without worrying about money. Then again, that may be why she didn't marry Stanley...she wanted to make her own happiness.

Pride, ethics, ideals, and the need to do more for yourself than just put food on the table are all hard things to juggle...

Christopher Baldwin's Response

As someone posted on the bulletin board about bruno:

I was actually surprised that she wrote a novel first, before establishing herself as a writer through short stories published in literary journals. My writing teachers all tell me that that is the way to go :)

And you know, if you want to make money, that's the way to go. I mean yeah, I am so frikkin' poor, and money problems depress me more than probably anything else in life, I worry a lot. But I love art. I love it. And I don't like short stories. It's not about being "purist" or some high-brow crap. I love art. And to create it in any way other than from in me, something that i value and cherish, dampens and ruins it for me. I have a job as an illustrator for two years and have done a fair amount (and still do) of freelance. And it's no good. i really think one of the worst thing that's happened to art in this country is that the really good artists go into writing movies or television, or the good artists go to marvel comics or disney. I think that only the exceptions, not the rules, have been giving the real breath of life to most of today's mediums. Yeah, fine, the Sopranos is a good show. But I can turn it off without any remorse. I can't say that about reading Horricks' "Hicksville" or watching Miyazaki's "Totoro". And every person who tell you that this is "the only way", means it is the only way they can imagine to reach a certain goal. First, there may be other ways, and second, they may be imagining that everyone's goal to be the same as their own.

Hell, if any of you have created a body of work which you have pursued out of beauty and love for it, and feel it would be welcomed by not enough people to ever get "seriously" published, feel free to send me a copy, maybe i'll do it, or maybe help walk you through it and help sell it. I don't know. Just, if you draw comics, and love it, fuck marvel. fuck disney. Eat rice and beans and give the world something worth reading.

And most of all, don't listen to a word I've said, because I've been nothing but discouraged and depressed lately about ever escaping my 9-5 due to creating something "beautiful". Bruno will never make me a living, and nothing else so far seems to either. There's a joy I've only felt in that freedom of creating something which means SO MUCH to me, but it can also carry a hell of a price. And if life is (among possibly a few other lofty goals) to be happy, when does the misery of poverty and no free time to enjoy life catch up to you?

My Response to His Response

I am very flattered to be quoted...and on the front page no less! Of course, my smile :> isn't exactly a :), it's more of a smirk...I thought I'd point that out because I'm not sure I agree with my writing professors that "that is the way to go".

I truly enjoyed what you wrote this morning, Chris, and I must say that I share your feelings on the subject. I'm currently getting a degree in English with a creative writing focus, and I've been focused on the short story--basically because those are all I've ever written. I tried to write a science fiction novel once, but I ran out of material in about three chapters. I think either the short form is all there is for me, or I need to grow as a writer more before I can handle a novel.

In any case, in my earlier writing classes we were asked to write one short story per week. These stories could be pretty much any length, but they typically wanted at least six pages. After two semesters of this I grew so frustrated that I wrote a short story about artists who were forced to "manufacture" their art forms in order to make a living. One of them killed himself because no one understood his paintings, and another, a journalist who really wanted to do creative writing, ended up having to chronicle the whole thing for the paper. The story was mediocre, but it was how I felt at the time, and still do, to a certain degree.

I sometimes feel like the people in my writing classes are on the "right track" and I'm just some sort of poser. I write when I want to, and that doesn't seem to happen often enough for me to "establish myself" through short stories in literary journals. It's kind of depressing, but at the same time I just can't bring myself to "do what it takes". Sometimes I wonder if I have any right at all to feel this way, or if I'm just being lazy.

I'm actually kicking around the idea of an online "coterie" of writers. Coterie, for those unfamiliar with the term, is a word from the Renaissance, and it refers to a group of artists who get together and read and help each other with art. Back then people would often write epic poems or plays together, not worried about who got credit for it. No one got credit, really, because it was underground--unpublished save through manuscripts that were passed around privately. No one got profit, either, which is why this was mainly a phenomenon occurring in the upper class. The lower classes couldn't afford such leisure.

But I think the Internet can be--and is already, to a certain extent--the great equalizer. Even though the bubble has burst, there are still ways for people to get webspace and share ideas. I was thinking of using my personal website as a jumping-off point for writers (and other artists, eventually) to do the same sorts of thing as people did in coteries. We would all just get together and put up what we were working on at that time, and talk about it and see what we wanted to do with it. There would likely be no profit, unless we ended up putting out a publication, but that wouldn't be a concern at the beginning. The concern would be the discussion, which I feel is missing from most literary journals. To submit to a journal, your piece pretty much has to be done. They often won't tell you what's "wrong" with it when they reject it.

So anyway, that's just an idea I've been mulling over...I don't know if I'll be able to afford to upgrade my webserver so that I can do that (currently I can't run scripts, which I would sort of need for a forum), so it's all up in the air at the moment.

I think forums like this one sort of serve the same purpose...but not really, because they are generally targeted to a particular, ongoing piece of art. Elfwood is also something like what I'm talking about, but not really. I want to establish a teaching, learning community, where everyone's voice is important and valid, but where everyone respects each other, too.

Ah, pipe dreams...

In the meantime, I'm wondering how I'm going to finance all this, and what (if anything) my English degree will do for me in the Real World. I think I will be falling back on my Linguistics degree, really...so that's my Regular Job. It's a good thing I like linguistics. But I do wish there was some way for artists to produce work that is appreciated by people without having to worry about where their next meal is coming from.

Anyway, Chris, I just want to say that it's inspiring that you keep doing Bruno and your other projects, even though you feel that you won't be able to make a living that way. I'm glad you can follow your heart, and respond to things with your gut, and present a new world to us every day. It's really amazing that you're able to do that.

---

So yeah. I have been thinking about that e-coterie, quite a bit. That's part of the reason this site is set up with nonfunctioning "comments" areas. Someday, when I feel like coughing up more money to pay for cgi, Perl, and whatnot, I will expand my site so that people can comment on my work, and hopefully someday post up their own to be commented on. This is really a dream that I don't want to die. Hopefully after I graduate and I'm making a decent amount of money, I'll be able to afford it.

Poor Hai :>

hnphn (5:38:00 AM): how is the collector's edition of spider-man?
Alindrea (5:38:04 AM): nice :D
Alindrea (5:38:09 AM): oh, check this out: http://brunostrip.com/bruno.html
hnphn (5:38:10 AM): what's in it?
Alindrea (5:38:14 AM): there's a comic book
Alindrea (5:38:17 AM): and a lithograph
Alindrea (5:38:26 AM): and a DVD about Stan Lee's mutants and monsters with Kevin Smith
Alindrea (5:38:37 AM): and it's all in a nice box :>
Alindrea (5:38:52 AM): btw Bruno is stripping now
Alindrea (5:39:03 AM): she says it was something she felt she had to do...:P
Alindrea (5:39:29 AM): I've never really found her all that attractive, but apparently she's supposed to be
hnphn (5:40:58 AM): ahhh... that explains the comic =P
hnphn (5:41:19 AM): btw, reread what you wrote and pretend that i hadn't a clue you were talking about spider-man for like a minute or so
Alindrea (5:42:09 AM): I suppose that would be confusing...unfortunately I don't really see an innuendo
Alindrea (5:42:18 AM): unless you think perhaps everything is crammed up into Bruno's "box"
Alindrea (5:42:24 AM): but that's rather crude, not to mention impossible
Alindrea (5:42:26 AM): sure, she's easy
Alindrea (5:42:31 AM): but I don't think she's that loose
hnphn (5:42:35 AM): ummm... not innuendo
hnphn (5:42:43 AM): just confusing and like "what?!?"
Alindrea (5:42:47 AM): hehehe
Alindrea (5:42:50 AM): well, you asked
Alindrea (5:42:51 AM): :>
hnphn (5:42:53 AM): yeah, i know
hnphn (5:42:55 AM): but i mean
hnphn (5:42:59 AM): i open up a comic strip
hnphn (5:43:06 AM): with a naked woman and a half naked one
hnphn (5:43:12 AM): then you talk about lithographs and comics
Alindrea (5:43:15 AM): lol
Alindrea (5:43:17 AM): I forgot
Alindrea (5:43:21 AM): you're male
hnphn (5:43:26 AM): lol
hnphn (5:43:33 AM): thanks?
Alindrea (5:43:38 AM): hahaha
hnphn (5:43:52 AM): gah
hnphn (5:44:00 AM): it worries me when i get that "you're an honorary girl, hai"
Alindrea (5:44:05 AM): ROFLMAO

Diet-Mode, and Initial D

I slipped in the garage door--I still sometimes think of it as that, even though technically it's the office door, and there isn't a garage door there to speak of at all--to be hit by the scent of cooking bacon. Yum. Dad was cooking, and as I moved through the kitchen to deposit my bags in my room, I saw that he'd not only made bacon, but had fried two eggs over easy and slipped them onto two pieces of toast. Da-yamn. Breakfast food is altogether too good.

Unfortunately, I'm shifting back into diet-mode after a weekend of revelry. I didn't stray too far from the Holy Path of Slim Fast, but I did end up eating two Not-So-Sensible Meals each day instead of having two shakes and one Sensible Dinner. Well, that, and I ate some cake. But not much! :>

Anyway, no breakfast food for me. I had my breakfast shake already, and right now I'm enjoying my scheduled snack bar--chocolate peanut nougat--and a mug of sugar-free cocoa. This diet is so chocolate-oriented...it's perfect :> Actually, though, I bought some shakes of different flavors last time: banana cream, strawberry, vanilla...oh, okay, and dark chocolate fudge. I'm not a freaking rock you know!

Right now I'm grooving to Initial D music. I started reading the first manga from TokyoPop last night, and finished it up this morning at work. And yow. This stuff is great!

One of my friends--was it Hai?--sent me the first couple episodes of the Initial D anime one time, and I watched it till about halfway, got bored, and deleted it. Of course, since then, Hai has shipped me the entire series, but I haven't watched it yet. I'm just saying, the manga is that riveting. I didn't think I was interested in the subject at all, but I could hardly put it down. And to think, I never imagined that I would be this fascinated by a bunch of boys racing cars around in the mountains of Japan :> (In one section, a character says "Come on, Racer X, show yourself". I thought that was hilarious :D)

Apparently the names are translated wrong...which sucks. I appear to have the bad translation, since the girl's name is "Natalie" in my copy, and her name is supposed to be "Natsuki". Bah. Well, at least the main character's name isn't changed, and I can understand the story...but still, I suppose I should be happy I have fansubs of the anime ;P

In other news, "Bunta" is one of the coolest names ever. I'll have to use it somewhere. Of course, people will think it's a Star Wars reference...

Well, I have a story revision due on Thursday, as well as other things. I forget what. So I should probably get started.

Ninjas!

This would have been an AIM Buddy Icon if I could make it smaller without it looking all crappy. Ah, well. 3y3 /\/\ |\|0t l33t.

Three years old

Today is Connor's birthday party. If world history is demarcated by wars, my family history is demarcated by birthdays, holidays, and events. Those are the times when we take pictures, after all :)

He's going to be three. It's really amazing to think that that much time has gone by. Connor at three...which means that Sean and I have been together for four years, since we started dating approximately a year before he was born. How time flies...and yet it seems like Sean and I have been together forever, that four years is really too short to describe our relationship. It also seems like it's been an eternity, since throughout most of that time we haven't been able to see and touch each other every day.

Long distance relationships suck.

I packed a few things today. There are two months left, but I have a lot of stuff, so I figured it might be a good idea to go ahead and start. I put all the VHS tapes and all the journals and photos I'm keeping into two Colorado Prime boxes, and carted them down to the basement. Now, of course, I'm tired, and my room doesn't look like I've even made a dent in it...but you have to take things a little bit at a time, I suppose.

A love story

Twenty-five years ago today, my parents were married.

Mom was 29 and Dad was 32 when they exchanged vows at the courthouse, pledging their lives to each other. They'd met seven years before in 1970; Mom and two of her friends had just come to Lexington to start what they hoped would be a "nursing tour" of the United States. The University of Kentucky Hospital was only meant to be their first stop. But their plans were fated to change the very day they moved into Rolling Ridge apartments. Dad and his friends, who also lived there, spotted the girls unpacking and offered to help. They all became fast friends.

The group spent more and more time together, and it wasn't long before Dad and Mom started dating. Through the years, they lived in various other apartment complexes in Lexington before finally settling down in an expanded trailer on a large lot flanked by a creek in nearby Nicholasville, Kentucky. They gardened together in raised beds built from wood or snuggled into old tractor tires. Dad built a strong plank fence across the front yard. They raised three babies; their first was me, the only girl, followed a year later by AJ and two years after that by Ben. Dad fiddled in the workshop with his inventions and Mom cut up diaper boxes to make word cards to teach us how to read.

Their marriage wasn't easy. Dad was an electrician, a journeyman wireman, and he often had to travel to get work. He'd spend days, even weeks, away from home. Mom worked three twelve hour shifts on the weekends so that she could be there for us all week. They probably spent more time apart than they did together those first few years.

When money had stabilized enough, they bought their first home--the house we still live in now. The ranch-style home with attic and full, 14-foot basement was quite a nice change from the comparatively small trailer, but the yard was smaller and not as private. The next sixteen years, up until the present day, were spent making improvements to the house and yard. The basement garage was converted into an expansive workshop with built-in shelving and work benches. The upstairs garage was transformed into an office, complete with a half-wall hallway and a fireplace. The bedrooms were painted and recarpeted. The family room received new hardwood flooring. Dad built two rooms, a lounge area with a pool table and a "soundproof" band practice area, in the basement.

An orchard was planted in the side yard, and a line of large pine trees went up across the front of the yard. The above ground swimming pool was torn down, as were the trees in back, and the land was built up to level and held by a retaining wall. Dad built a long fence across the back, and they planted pine trees along it. Dad built a barn to keep the new riding mower and the gardening equipment, and they stacked up railroad ties into seven planters for "square foot gardening". Mom planted flower beds in various spots around the house.

They not only improved their standard of living, but they improved themselves. Dad kept inventing, until finally he created a tool he thought he could market. They officially started selling in 1987; Mom typed each file on individual notecards and stored them all in a cabinet until we finally got a 486 in the early 90's. As the business grew, Dad stopped having to leave home for work, and soon even Mom was able to stop working at the hospital and devote herself to the business full-time. Now the two of them spend their days doing what they want: taking care of their home and family.

It's been a long road for them, though, and there were quite a few bumps along the way. Out of respect for their privacy I won't go into them in detail here, but suffice it to say that my parents are two of the strongest people I know to have overcome the things they did. In the long run, they came out on top and continue to do so, but it's not because of luck. It's because they work so hard on everything they do, including their devotion to one another.

The love between them is obvious. The other day I asked my mother what she and Dad had in common. She spoke at length about things they both liked, and then moved on to deeper things, such as how he made her feel. He supports her, and respects her, and loves her, and she is so impressed by his skills and intelligence. While she was talking about the love of her life, Mom started crying tears of joy. It was so wonderful to see that, because it was exactly how I feel whenever I start talking in depth about Sean.

I asked my dad, too, and his respect and love for Mom were the first things to come out. He admires her for the way she handles everything; she's the great organizer of the family and gets things done. And he's impressed by how loving and caring she is, and how she takes care of everyone. At the end of his list, Dad smiled softly and said, "I love her because she's her, you know?"

And so we threw them a party. I wrote each and every thing they'd told me down onto slips of paper with hearts and flowers on them and put them in a silver box alongside shining confetti and ribbons. I baked a white, heart-shaped cake and several tiny cupcakes, and Faye iced them and arranged them all on a white platter with a silver border. I decorated the cake with long, sparkling candles and the cupcakes with confetti.

I put a box of frozen fish in one bag and a package of bacon in another, since Mom said they both like fish and bacon. I had them open those presents first. I also wrapped up a refrigerator magnet with George W. Bush on it, and I had them open that next.

Then I had them open the box and read all the slips of paper. And finally, they each got to read special notes about what they each liked about each other, all written in silver ink.

We all adjourned to the office after that so Connor could see one of his birthday presents. His birthday is today as well; now he's three years old. Mom and Dad got him a nice big wooden toy chest. His real party is scheduled for tomorrow, and that's when his cousins (the kids of Faye's siblings) will likely come, so today was something of a small celebration. The real focus was on Mom and Dad (or, "Grandma and Pa-Pa", as I've sort of become accustomed to calling them).

It wasn't a huge party, or an elegant affair, or anything. But it was nice, and Mom and Dad both seemed to really enjoy it. I wish I had done more, but at the same time I think they liked what I did do. I'd wanted to show some pictures of them together when they were younger, or make a scrapbook, but pictures of the two of them are few and far between, and Mom has all the scrapbook she really needs on DVD (I burned all our family photos to one disc for her awhile back). Still, I wish I could have done something more. Perhaps at their 50th, I'll have enough money to do something really special.

God, I love my parents. I love my family. I love being here with them and spending time with them and doing things for them. Part of me wants to catalog everything about them. I feel like I should write stories about everyone and keep them forever. And I want to do that. Family history is really special and fascinating. My mom is getting interested in the Straub side of her own family history, and she's finding that all the people who knew about her parents are aging or gone. All of that knowledge is being lost. I want to immortalize my parents, my family. They're just people...but they're so very dear to me. I want them to go on forever.

But I'll be gone when Faye gives birth to their new baby. I'll be gone when Connor starts going to school. I'll turn into one of those "visiting relatives"...it just isn't the same as being there.

I wish there was a way I could fulfill my dream of living all over the place but still stay close to my family. I suppose one solution would be to set up a "home base" here and then work out of that, but I don't know how that would work, or what job I would have that would send me all over the place anyway. And what about Sean? What would he do?

Someday, we might end up living up here, but for now we need to be in Georgia. And as excited and happy as I am that I am finally going to be with the man I love, I can't help but feel this deep sense of loss. I almost feel like I only recently started to really understand my brothers as adults, as people...and now I'm leaving before any further growth could happen.

To my family: I love you all so, so much, and I'll miss you more than I can say. I will always think of you, and I will visit as much as I possibly can. Our lives are intertwined, and I want to keep that with all the fierceness of my heart.

Only love could take me away from you.

Money.

I don't have enough of it.

I probably need a job that pays more. Or more hours. Or something. I'm working an extra shift on Sunday, but that's not quite good enough. My next paycheck will pay off my credit card and hopefully leave a little money left over, but a couple hundred dollars isn't really that much money. I probably won't be able to save it.

Sean doesn't particularly like my penchant for buying gifts on holidays. It does involve parting with money, which is bad, but I love giving gifts and making people happy, which is good. He says he's willing to deal with it. I have to learn to deal with the way he works with money, too. He's intelligent enough to basically have a balance on his credit card all the time, but know that he will be able to pay it off later. To me, that's really scary. I don't like seeing a balance on my own credit card. It makes me uncomfortable to see that I owe someone money for something I already have or have done. Especially if it's just a group of small things. I inherited this from my parents; they only buy stuff when they have the money right on hand for it. Sean's way of dealing with money is not dangerous; he doesn't charge more than he can afford to. But it still feels weird to me.

Finances are a big concern for me right now. I don't know how we're going to afford everything. I wanted to have a big fun party for our wedding and invite friends from all over, but I don't know if we can afford that now that we're going to Japan for our honeymoon. That's going to cost a lot of money. I'm definitely not planning on putting everyone up at an estate like I was going to, but even then, the reception will get expensive if there are a lot of guests. I'm really not sure what I'm going to do about it. Hopefully over Thanksgiving, while I'm visiting Sean, I'll be able to look around and find some options for us. I've pretty much exhausted the online resources, with little success.

Money...

I feel like Sean is going to have to bear the weight of everything for awhile. That really isn't fair. But as I keep saying, I don't know that I can get a job for just two months. I guess I could get a "holiday season" job after I get back from Thanksgiving...but that would be just one month! Still, I suppose they would hire me, and I guess it would be better than no extra income.

I just want to be productive and useful...

Well, I guess I will definitely look into some sort of holiday job in retail. I'm not bad at retail. I'm no Dotty Brooks (she is so enthusiastic!) but I do care about the customers, and I try to be as helpful as possible. So maybe that would give me enough money to finance my move and maybe a month of job-hunting...maybe.

And speaking of job-hunting, I need to revise my resume again so that it doesn't give my potential employers eyestrain...Thomas told me that it should all fit on one page, and so I scrunched things down quite a bit. The layout looks nice, but some of the text is pretty small.

I wish I had some idea of what I'm qualified to do, besides teach English as a second language. I guess that's what I'll end up doing. It's not that I mind that, but I would really like to do some language analysis. I'm good at it, damn it.

*sigh*

Well, I guess I'll stop rambling about this. As Sean always says, "Things will work out." I should stop stressing :> It messes up other parts of my life.

Time for Saved by the Bell! Wh00t!

For Kevin

それは漢字です：　核兵器 (This is kanji: kakuheiki [nuclear weapon])

それはひらがなです：　すし (This is hiragana: sushi)

それはカタカナです：　マリワナ (This is katakana: mariwana [marijuana])

No, there is no particular reason I chose those words...why?

Things are better now

:)

Fight

I don't know what my problem was yesterday. I got home from work and settled in at the computer, all ready to rip some .avis, but first I had to clear off some hard drive space. So I was juggling DVDs, shifting anime onto them, and while I was doing that Sean was talking to me about Macross and Asian politics. And I don't know what my deal was, but I just couldn't get interested in anything he was saying. In fact, I found myself getting more and more irritated that he kept plunking out these seemingly random facts. It was obvious that he was surfing around and telling me about what he was seeing, but for some reason that annoyed the hell out of me. I don't know, we do this to each other a fair amount, so it shouldn't have been that big a deal. Maybe I was just stressed out because I have a stupid, busy work paper due on Thursday--not that I was working on it. But whatever the reason, I really don't have an excuse. I ended up just not responding to anything he said. Each comment made me more and more annoyed. Finally he said something like "Well, you're AFK or something, so I'm going to go get lunch." I responded, likely after he was already gone, "k. I'm going to take a nap." And then I logged off.

Guiltily, I must admit that not being signed on was a relief to me. I finished off my backups and did finally fall into bed. I slept soundly until around 7:45 pm, and then I woke up, startled that I'd slept so long, and logged back on.

"Sorry about earlier. I was irritated for no reason," I said to Sean.

"I'm pretty annoyed. I guess it's something about today," he responded.

That was my first clue that I'd hurt his feelings, but it really shouldn't have been.

I mean, come on. I basically ignored him, and then took my first opportunity to leave while he was AFK, leaving him a terse note. You don't treat your fiance like that. What was I on?

We had a few things to say to each other after that, nothing big and monumental, and then at around 10:30 I wanted to go back to bed to rest up for my shift this morning. I first asked, "When are you going to bed?" When he didn't respond, I asked "Are you there?" Upon his affirmation, I said "I'm about ready for bed."

His response? "Okay. Night."

See, we have this thing. He calls me every night. Unlimited minutes after 9 on weeknights, and all day on weekends. We go to bed with each other. We've done it for months now, maybe longer than that. I find that at night I have a hard time falling asleep without him. His presence is calming to me, and it makes me feel secure and safe to be all sleepy on the phone with him. The fact that he wasn't going to call, and didn't express any sadness over that, told me that something was greatly amiss.

"You're not going to call?" The question had barely left my fingers when I followed up with "Are you still mad?"

"I'm working on a post."

"Oh."

"And yes, I'm still pissed."

"Oh. :("

I still wanted to talk to him, so I tried to justify what I'd done, or at least let him into my head a little more. I basically said something stupid like "I read what you wrote, I just wasn't interested in any of it." Yeah, that was about the gist. Good job, Heather; 10.0 :P

Sean responded, "You're making it easy for me to stay angry."

":/ I don't want to make you stay angry," I said. "We'll talk later, okay? Because you're busy?"

"Yeah."

I hate it when he's so curt and short with me. When he's closed himself off completely. It shows that at that moment, he doesn't feel that he can trust me with his feelings. And he had every right to feel that way. I'd treated him so badly.

So finally I wrote "Good night, sweetie. I love you." Then I logged off without giving him time to respond, because I knew he wouldn't say "I love you" back. Or at least, I assumed that. I didn't want to see a simple "Night." That would have been too much.

I got ready for bed, but found myself restless. I snuck back online, to the AMRN IRC channel (#amrn on irc.freenode.net), and opened a private window to Kevin. "Today sucks," I said, or something to that nature. "HF's mad at me."

I went on to explain the problem and how it was all my fault. "He has a right," I said. "I just don't like it :P" Talking to Kevin about it helped a little...but not really. When things aren't right with someone you really can't solve it by talking to someone else. I wound up crawling into bed resolved to call Sean and at least tell him that I was sorry again, since I hadn't reiterated that during my moment of stupidity. I wanted to hear the sound of his voice, at least.

The phone rang three times, and then his voice mail picked up. I hit "1" to avoid hearing his recorded message. I wanted the real Sean. "Hi, sweetie," I said after the beep. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry. I shouldn't have treated you like that. I'll see you tomorrow. I love you. Night."

It still wasn't good enough...but I didn't want to bother him by calling back. I hung up, turned out the light, and lay there flat on my back under the covers, eyes closed, trying to fall asleep. My mind was full, and I couldn't get comfortable. As I curled into the fetal position, all I could hear in my head was maybe he'll call back maybe he'll call back maybe he'll call back...

If he did, I don't remember.

Being stuck in limbo like this is some of the worst pain I've ever experienced. I hate having him mad at me. I hate being the one who's hurt him. Limbo is a cycle of despair. I need resolution.

I told Kevin that I was confident that things would work out. And they will, I'm sure. There is only a tiny doubt in my mind, and that's enough to add to my misery, but on the whole I know that I love Sean and he loves me, and we'll work through this and become stronger together. But the interim! The interim is what kills me.

Hopefully I'll see him soon.