The question:
My boyfriend is addicted to video games. He comes home from work everyday and sits in front of his computer from the time he gets home until 2 AM, sometimes 3 AM.The answer:
The game is an online interactive game, so once he engages in projects with his team-mates, he is stuck playing for hours.
Given his predilection, it's unclear, honestly, why he wanted you to move in in the first place. Or maybe it went this way: When you moved in, the commitment freaked him out. Result: He escapes into EverQuest. Whatever the case, it's clear that -- right now, anyway -- he's better at bonding with avatars than with actual humans.Lynn Harris is pretty harsh. (There's also a tendency in these advice columns to remark about how there are "other fish in the sea", which drives me crazy. Is it supposed to be reverse psychology? Are you supposed to think, "Well, I could always leave him. ...no! No, I don't want to leave him! Hmm, this problem isn't really so bad when I think about it that way." If so...that's ridiculous :> I imagine the reality is that advice columnists are presenting all possibilities without thinking about how it looks to continually suggest ditching the relationship.)
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I have to admit, from what you've told me -- and from the fact that he has been honing his virtual sword-fighting rather than his relationship skills -- I'm guessing you won't get far. And that suggests to me that this -- his "addiction," his need to escape, his frankly asocial behavior -- is a bigger problem than you alone can solve with schedules or ultimatums. So don't blame yourself if you can't "make" him change. Instead, start packing. There's a guy out there who, when he flies off to faraway places, will take you with him.
In any case, this whole "bonding with avatars rather than actual humans" is BS. Hello, have you heard of Ventrilo? The fact is, the reason Sean likes gaming is because of the teamwork and community. He is invested it in because of the relationships he makes there. I don't see his gaming as running away from reality; I see it as Sean spending time with his friends.
I don't know if the situation is the same for the writer's boyfriend or not. If he won't even stop gaming to eat a meal with her, then there might be a problem. People do get addicted to MMOs, there's no question about that. But I think that Ms. Harris is being hyper-judgmental. She's over the top because she can be, because that makes for more interesting reading than "social relationships are different now than they were in the 1800s".
If I'd been writing that advice column, I would have suggested the girlfriend try playing the game with her boyfriend before I casually remarked that "oh well, he's probably not the one for you".
2 comments:
I like this. It's dangerous ground. You'd think there'd be a thousand opinions on this, but the replies haven't started on it at all: likely for the same reason my eyebrows lifted when I took note that you'd included it in your journal.
I realize you took this article two ways - what the girl with the question supplied, and with what you yourself have experienced. As I don't know your situation with Sean whatsoever, I'm going to instead argue it from what I've experienced with my own "addiction" and from what I took from "Tired of Playing Games".
But first off, I actually give a bit of props to Lynn for what she said. She had the balls to lay out the most likely result to this kind of situation - and in my opinion it really is the most likely result.
Speaking of Ventrillo, and all the other programs that allow you to communicate with your friends in these games - what really makes that different than typing to them? What makes using Ventrillo different than calling a phone sex operater and forming some kind of odd relationship with that woman?
When I got into gaming in the Arena, I made what I considered a number of friends through that game. A few of them I still call friends, and that's outside of any sort of video game now. However, a lot of those people were friends only through that game, and when it finally collapsed, we weren't friends any more. Are those really friends, then, if all you have in common is the love of one game? When you step away and see that your lives are nothing alike, and there is no room for one another aside from running dungeons or organizing raids, do you really still call that friendship?
Now, like I said, I know some people that I still call friend from those games. People that come over, hang out, drink, smoke, talk, have a good time with. But I'm talking percentages here - the small number of those that you've gamed with that you can spend outside time with.
One way I make up my own mind about who I consider my friend is a simple little equation like this. If X (where X is an activity that brings people together) should end, how many people in your life would still be in your life?
For me, it wasn't so many. I do treasue those friendships, of course, and I don't regret what I did in order to gain them, but I recognize that a lot of those people I thought were close buddies were simply teammates for the same game.
But I do know that no matter what activity is cancelled, I'm still going to have my wife and my kids, my siblings and my family. I'll have Dan and Weinstock, Jackson and Steve, etc. People that I didn't meet through an organized activity where people come to play that activity, but rather through the twists and turns of life itself.
There's more that consumes my life these days than video games. I could conceivably be busy with all these things for more hours a day than the day'll give you. Video games could go into that mix too - I still play games, and I don't doubt I always will.
When I see what this girl's arguing for when she writes to Lynn, I think of when my wife came into my life. We met at a job, which I guess is kind of old-school of us. When we got together, we didn't have an incredible amount of things in common.
For one thing, she didn't come from a home where there was a computer hooked up to the internet right there, to take you out onto the web where just about anyone can find things to do from the time you get off work until the time you go to sleep.
She wasn't crazy about the way I did things. What turned out to be worse is that she didn't yet know I'd have another commitment as soon as Dan moved back down from Wisconsin.
She got stuck in a spot not so dissimilar to "Tired of playing games". But unlike that fellow, I was able to step outside of myself and look at what I was doing.
You know me, and I'm not a pushover. Trust me, for every problem I can fix, I can make another one come up right away. I'm not going to preach caving in or removing one's balls or freedoms. But I think it's fair enough to expect people to be able to assess their own lives, even if sometimes it takes looking through someone else's.
So no, I'm not just going to cave in or come off with that nancy "anything you say, if you think so, okay you're right" crap.
I think that if you want to spend all of your time playing video games, that's your right. But when you invite someone into your life and into a relationship, be it a wife, or down the road a child, you'd better be prepared to no longer be able to just think about your own freedoms.
It's like inviting a friend to a party, and then leaving them on the couch alone in a strange place while you make out with your woman behind a locked door.
It sounded to me that this fellow was indignant about his right to play his games. Likely he encouraged her to find things to take up her time. I'm sure he still wanted her to be around when he got off the computer at night, to satisfy some of his other desires, but why should he change what he wants to do just because she can't find something to take up her own time? Does he have to take care of her now? What did she do with herself BEFORE he came along? That's pretty damn selfish. It's immature. In my opinion, it's just plain wrong.
Oh, but I've been there. I've done that. In a lot of ways, I bet that I even did it worse than this fellow. Oh, I'd get up to have dinner, but I'd eat fast, and then go right back to it. And the conversation at the table wasn't anything to write home about. "What did you do at work? Let me tell you what I did in my game." It isn't that hard for me to imagine someone doing that.
Of course, I've got kids. So my life's a bit different now than this situation and others. I don't get online or go into my own space for hours after I get off work so I can help with and spend time with my kids. That's not always what I want to do with my "freedom". But that's the responsible result based upon the choice I made. And sometimes it's rewarding. ;>
I know I'm jumping around here, but I want to go back to the bonding with people/avatars thing once more. It IS easier bonding with "avatars". And if that isn't the term that you like, there's another one. But people that you only communicate with on the internet are not the same as those you communicate with face to face. It's easier to be tough, strong, smart, appreciated, liked, looked up to, anything you ever wanted to be online. It's easier to start, maintain, and even end friendships online.
And with that said, online relationships aren't bad relationships. But they aren't the same as face to face encounters. Shy people can find courage to be outgoing online. You can get a reputation totally different from what that which you have in the "real world".
Ugly people are beautiful, shy people are outgoing, men are women, old women are young women. Not everyone deceives others online, but in the same sense, no one goes into an internet relationship with any of their real baggage. You want to be honest, that's fine. The longer you play, the better they'll get to know the real you. Want to send a picture? They'll know what you look like.
Want to invite them down for the weekend? What're you going to do? My experience has been that either after or while we're talking, drinking, smoking, hanging out, we play the same game that we played from miles away. Because at the end of the day, that was what we had.
I think that internet communication is like training wheels to how you'd like to communicate in real life. And if you could communicate - and be known as the person you've revealed yourself to be online while away from the computer - that chances are you'd be too busy with real life to get into the community online. I realize that's just my opinion, of course. Some will agree, some won't.
Now, should the couple split up? I don't see it as a case of reverse psychology. Clearly the girl isn't interested in joining in on the game. and clearly, the boyfriend wants to keep playing it. I'm not saying that my own realization of finding time to tackle all areas of my life is something that only incredible people can do, but neither is it something that everyone realizes.
And how many years should this girl have to deal with that before she comes to the conclusion that this isn't the life she wanted. That's HER freedom. That's her right. To hell with empowering females, I'm not saying anything about that. If a woman were playing the game and the man wanted more of her time I'd say the same thing. We're equal. And in that, if you aren't happy with what your significant other is spending ALL of his time doing, then you have three choices as a couple. Learn to deal with the one that has addiction, have that one stop their addiction, or end the relationship.
The last there, ending the relationship, is a very real conclusion, that in many cases (alcohol abuse, physical abuse, cheating partners, those that absorb themselves with work and never have time for play, and even those that are always off doing their own thing) would be beneficial to do before your time and their time is wasted.
It's everyone's right to decide what their life is going to include, but it's unfair to decide that you're going to force someone else to live with what you've decided for yourself.
If you knew it was happening before the relationship began - before you fell in love - before you moved in, then it's a lot of your fault as well as theirs. But if you didn't know, as my wife didn't, then you can't be blamed or responsible for fixing it. It was unfair to you to be led to expect something different.
But if you did know, and you did go into it, and it still doesn't work for you, then you still have a right to get out of it. Maybe this was all the girl's fault. Maybe she should have seen it coming. But there's no man or woman alive worth sacrificing what or who you are in order to be with.
At one point, I would have been annoyed, as an avid gamer, that someone would suggest that my chosen lifestyle was wrong. I would have been insulted by being told my internet friends weren't real friends. But I don't feel like that now. I'm currently dealing with a new obsession - World of Warcraft - that Dan bought for me for Christmas.
I've told myself that I'm going to have to quit it pretty soon. I can't keep playing it from nine or ten at night until midnight or one. All the time I have away from work and raising my boys. The time I could be reading, writing, composing, mixing, building, designing, what have you. Faye and I play it together. We have fun with it. But it's already taking up time that I could have used somewhere else. That she could have. If we didn't have kids, we'd be playing it all day long. It's that fun. And it's that scary.
It's about moderation for the gamer, and it's about adaptability and the willingness to deal with it for the significant other. How much shit can you put up with, basically. And then, are you losing yourself and what you want because of what you're putting up with?
We've severely limited the number of times Ben, Dan, Boone, Weinstock and I get together during the week. It at one time was every day. Even then, it's hard on Faye and the boys. On Manda and Melissa. On, er.. Dan's television in his bedroom? But it was an issue that had to be dealt with. If you can't commit yourself equally to your passions, your love, and your children, then something's wrong.
If you can't be satisfied with the man or woman in your life who's time is taken up with those passions, then something's wrong.
I'd offer the same advice. Talk about it one more time - make your point perfectly clear. But you'd be doing yourself a disservice if you didn't consider ending the relationship - letting that OPTION settle in. Because there really are a lot of people out there. And even if you never find another one, there's a chance you might be able to find yourself, and be all the happier on your own than with someone that continually lets you down.
I'm sure I didn't get everything I wanted to say out, but if this evolves into more than one response, maybe I'll think of at put it down then. This is probably plenty long enough to read as it is.
Bear this in mind, any of you that managed to make it this far, I AM ONE OF THEM. I am a "gamer". And I'm talking on my own experience and how I perceive the situation to be for that girl with the problem. I've been there, I've done that. At times, I did much worse than what she lets on. And as of late, I've found blocks of time to do it that didn't infringe on my life with my wife and my kids. But I am a gamer, and I don't think poorly of those of us that game.
Thanks for your insightful and thoughtful response. You definitely have a point. And maybe the girl in the advice article would be better "getting out".
I guess I just see advice columns as having a responsibility to cover more ground and options. Like, to say things such as "In your particular situation, because you have given me the impression that you feel such and such way, these are the likely options." And then maybe give some general advice for everyone else reading the article...because that is really where my issue lies. How many people are going to read that article and think, "Oh, yeah, my life is feeling inconvenient right now! If I dump my girl/boyfriend, things will get back to normal!"
I also will admit that some of my irritation with this article stems from other people's reactions to Sean. Usually I just joke about how he doesn't go anywhere (which actually isn't true; we go out to eat, and spend time with friends together. Just not nearly as much as I do on my own). But every now and then my friends give me this look of pity that I just can't stand. I don't need to be pitied, because I'm not unhappy. It makes me feel like they are judging my relationship, and that just because my relationship isn't like their relationship, there is something wrong with it. (Even though they would never say something like that to me, because they are good friends.)
I don't want people to think that I'm sad or a victim or that I should be pitied. But I feel like sometimes people think those things about me. Up until now I haven't said anything about it directly, only obliquely, because acknowledging it puts me on the defensive, and in my opinion there is nothing for me to be defensive about.
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