I bought a new shirt yesterday. Weirdly, it smells the way my college boyfriend used to when he'd get home from his shift at McDonald's.
Can't really explain that. Think they have a McDonald's in the sweat shop cafeteria?
The shirt also represents defeat to me, because instead of actually looking like something I would wear, it's big, black, and mostly formless. It's my way of finally admitting to myself that this new second tire around my midsection isn't going away, that it causes all my cute shirts to ride up, that I am obese and embarrassed.
I keep thinking that I need to do something. But it occurred to me recently that maybe I haven't been as proactive in life as I thought. I was at lunch with a person I'm still getting to know, and one question spawned a rehash of my life story. Everything's connected in my mind. At first I thought that was just how it was, but now I'm wondering if it's because everything I've done in my life has been reactionary.
I'll get into this in more detail later. The point is, have I ever really managed to be consistently proactive? Or is my life simply a series of fits and starts and falling back into old habits?
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4 comments:
I know what you mean about the consistently proactive question, I think I definitely lack consistency with mine. I always seem to hit some sort of bottom before I start the bob back up to float on the top of the water for a while. Lately, I've been really upset with myself, and in general, too, as I'm still getting accustomed to being here. It's not bad at all, and I LOVE it, but it's SO very different, the ONLY TRUE similarities to anything I knew before I moved here is when I'm sleeping at night. I'm getting the hang of new things constantly, and filing more and more stuff away in my head as "familiar." It's a slow process, though, and unfortunately I think that having been overwhelmed with transitional things for, wow, about 8 months now, I felt like I just didn't have time or the brain power to really focus on "myself" and that's not good. It just stands to reason if I have "me" under control, that everything else will be more easily managed. This, however, is not easily REMEMBERED by me at times of intense stress and change. ;)
But, since things ARE starting to roll along a little more smoothly now, I feel I can let off the choke hold on things, and settle down a little more. I've decided that I want to get back into my "skinny" jeans, I want to feel better physically than I realize I've been feeling for months now. I'm comforted by my discipline in these areas, right now, instead of feeling confined by it.
How long this will last, though, I don't know. I hope I can make it an enduring part of my lifestyle, encorporate it into my everyday routine; as easy to do as brushing my teeth, and wearing socks.
I don't know how YOU PERSONALLY are feeling, but I know that I can DEFINITELY RELATE to you about what you're feeling right now. I've been feeling similarly for as long as you've been mentioning it.
I wish there were magic words, comforting words, life changing words that someone could say, that would have had me doing this sooner, and could KEEP me doing it. I wish they would work for you to feel able to make changes you feel yourself wanting to make, and keep up with them. I can suck really hard at self-control, and it sucks that it has to be so hard, sometimes. It sucks that people can fall off the "good habit" wagon just like that.
I can't say whether or not your life has been "a series of fits and starts" or whether or not you've ever been "consistently proactive" because no one can do that for anyone other than themselves. It doesn't MATTER, though, if EITHER of those have been the case, though, all that matters is wanting to genuinely do something for yourself, nurture yourself; it doesn't matter how many times (or not) a you've tried before, what matters is giving it an honest and thoughtful shot when you feel up to it.
And THAT, I know you can get on top of, no problem!! :)
What I need is to be brainwashed into liking exercise and disliking unhealthy food, because the reason I fail is that I perceive exercise and healthy food as being things that are inconvenient--they take too much time away from the things I really want to do, even if those things are simply sitting around watching DVDs.
I always feel better when I eat well and work out, but that temporary euphoria has never been enough to motivate me on the days when I'm running behind or even on days when I just don't feel like it.
That's why I do martial arts. I love doing it, and exercise happens to be a side benefit.
Now that I'm living in SF, I no longer have my car when I go to work. I'm walking a LOT, especially for lunch. That seems to be helping a lot too.
It's never really exercise if you're walking to get to a really good restaurant. =D
I'd love to live close enough to work to bike or walk there.
There's only one restaurant within walking distance of our apartment. Nothing else--not even a grocery store. I could theoretically bike to a shopping center down the way, but there's no grocery store there either, just a few pub and grub places and then a bunch of shopping. The Y's there too.
Bleh. I wouldn't want to live downtown, within walking distance of all kinds of stuff, because I rather like being alive and not having to constantly worry about getting robbed. Not that our burg gets LA-level crime, but hey, I grew up in a small town :P
Bleh...
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