Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Cemeteries

Recently there has been what news organizations might call a rash of cemetery thefts in the area. People are, understandably, upset; they've spend tens to hundreds of dollars decorating the plots of their loved ones, only to have those decorations taken by someone else.

For me, though, this all begs the question: why spend so much money to leave flowers in a field?

Your lost loved one is gone. There's no way of knowing if they see you putting flowers on their grave. The act of decorating gravesites is for the mourner, not the deceased--it's a way of keeping that person's memory alive. Why, I ask, do you have to do it in this certain way?

I say, remember your loved ones in a more special way. Scrapbook. Set aside a certain day or time to think about them. Tell your kids/friends/family stories about them. Write about them. Cook their favorite meal and enjoy it with others who miss them.

You can't buy meaning.

I haven't lost a lot of friends or family, knock on wood. My great-grandmother is buried in Mount Sterling, and I think I know where the cemetery is...but I haven't been there since she was interred. I remember her when I'm at the farm, and through my grandmother, and through the stories my dad tells. When I think about growing my hair out, I think about how she apparently had hair down to her ankles when she was younger--quite a feat, even if she was barely over four feet tall.

My grandfather died close to a decade ago. I know where he's buried, but I have only been there once or twice. However, for many years I drove his car, and every time I got behind the wheel I thought of him. Whenever I see cute old men I think of how cute he got towards the end, and how he was always flirting with his nurses. I will always remember his bright blue eyes and how joyful they always seemed. And even though I lost it in the fire, I will always remember that last picture I took with him.

I just don't think we need a location to go to for remembering. I think we are the best vessels for that. No matter where we are, the ones we love are with us in our memories. We can bring them anywhere we want to, and share them with whomever we choose.

In a few hundred years, when all available land is filled with cemeteries, will we think they are as important as we seem to think they are now?

I would rather be cremated and strewn in a garden. There doesn't need to be a marker. I'm forward-thinking. Things change. That garden might need to become homes, or it might need to transition back into wild territory. The needs of the living should not take a backseat to the dead.

Those remains are not your loved one. Your loved one is inside you and everyone they knew and in the world they shaped through their life. Not in the ground. I don't see the point of using up so much land to create a place that you end up going to out of a sense of duty, and not a desire to honor the lost.

There is going to come a time when our descendants have to decide what to do with all the cemeteries, unless something changes now.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

This post is not a april fools day post.. its a real post!

and I agree.

E

Brooke said...

I didn't think it was an April Fool's post, either...

...but I think you're missing the point of cemeteries and flowers and memorials for the majority of people, leaving out for a second the impending impact of cemeteries on the available land in the future.

Brooke said...

I forgot to add, I LOVE your suggestion to "set aside a certain day or time to think about them [deceased loved ones]".

:)

Heather Meadows said...

I'm guessing the point is to have someplace you can go to remember the person, which I thought I covered fairly adequately in my post. If there is another point, please enlighten me!

Brooke said...

Well, the way I SEE it, so I guess maybe you didn't miss the point so much as didn't mention a point I WOULD have thought of, is that cemeteries, flowers, memorials and stuff like that are more for the living. Sure, these are things high up on the list for giving a societally appropriate remembrance and memorial to the deceased, but it's also a way for those left behind to grieve and come to terms with their grieving. Aesthetically pleasing flower arrangements, the service itself, down to the detailing of the linings of coffins, or the materials used for urns, for that matter; guest books, a beautiful view in a peaceful cemetery, all these things and lots more contribute to the living person's well-being, and getting over their devastating loss, just as much as the living say they are choosing these things for their loved one. I'm not saying that these are selfish gestures on the part of those still living, not by any means; I know when my mother and aunt had to help my grandfather with my grandmother's funeral arrangements, he had been very specific in choosing the things he did because they were things my grandmother would have liked. I would imagine that's how the majority of people choose things like that, and that in and of itself would be a comfort to the living. How many times have you been to a funeral, and there are comments like "It was a beautiful service", "the flowers were gorgeous", "so-and-so would have LOVED it" and things like that? These are comforts to those left behind. And well they should be.

Brooke said...

I meant to preview that last comment, but published instead, so here are my last few words:

A pretty headstone, a nice potted plant or nicely done flower arrangement at the holidays also helps the living to come to terms with their loss, as well as remembering the departed, especially during that critical first year. I think these things can be pretty darned necessary, when you look at the comfort they can provide, so the living can move on day by day, until things gradually start to get easier for them.

I also think it's a matter of respect and yes, that gesture of remembrance. All of these things are comforting to me, it's what I've seen growing up, and how I will continue to do things, as well.

I personally am pro-cemetery, but yes, I agree with you that some long term planning needs to be done. I want to make sure that those of us who prefer cemetery burials can make this choice for generations to come, while still making sure that the living have what they need, as well.

Heather Meadows said...

I must not have written my post very well, because my point was that you can focus your energies on other things to get the same benefits that cemeteries give you.

I don't think you have to do it the same way that previous generations have done it in order to deal with your loved one's death.

As far as a solution to the cemetery problem in which people who still want to bury can...I just don't see how that can last forever, unless we 1) destroy old cemeteries and allow new burials on the land or 2) start burying our dead on asteroids. But both of those defeat the purpose of cemeteries. The first one desecrates the existing graves and the second one is inaccessible to mourners.

Heather Meadows said...

Also, I never said "stop having funerals", did I? :>

Anonymous said...

I also haven't been to my grandparents graves much due to living too far away. I wonder how everyone living far apart nowadays could render some sort of solution.

Heather Meadows said...

That's a good point.

In Japan, there was a fad for awhile where people would have necklaces made containing some of their loved one's ashes. Not sure if that would catch on everywhere, though.