The battle within

Lately I have been struggling with things I want to do, things I need to do, things I absolutely have to do, and things I think I should do. I've been stressed and unhappy for most of this week, a striking contrast to last week, when I felt like I could do anything. I ended up burning out and crashing hard and it sucked.

I feel like I go through cycles of mood and competence. Normally it doesn't flip so fast from week to week, though.

I'm reevaluating lots of things. What do I definitely want, and how can I get it? What things do I have to do every day to make those goals happen? Is there anything I can cut out to save time and energy?

Moving to North Augusta would help--I would be able to walk or bike to work, maximizing my commute by combining it with exercise. But I doubt it will solve all my problems.

So here I am at Boll Weevil, seeking comfort in warm familiarity, settling in with a Curious George, chips, and tea.

I hope I can figure this out.

Sizzling fajitas

Sean's comment: "Fear for your life."

Edit: I only ate about 1/4 of this. The rest is in my fridge, baby.

New plan: Simplify

Looking back, my weight loss efforts have all had one thing in common: complexity. I tried to adhere to a regimen that didn't lend itself to a non-stressed schedule, and to a detailed tracking of everything I ate that, while effective, was inconvenient and time-consuming. Every time I've tried anything like this, I've slipped out of the regimen and dietary tracking and gained weight back.

I'm always euphoric whenever I start a new weight loss plan, filled with motivation and certainty that this time, it'll work. That's why when my friend Mari told me once that she didn't want to try to track what she ate because she knew she'd never keep it up, I thought, "That's fine for you, but I will keep it up, and I'll lose weight!"

I think I'm finally coming around to her point of view.

A person's drive only lasts so long. Then, once it's over, it's way too easy to slip, or to just stop. You feel terrible, but it seems like so much work to get back into it that you give up. I personally tend to get bored with an activity after I've been doing it for a few weeks, and that makes it even harder to keep myself motivated.

Plus, an elaborate food and exercise tracking plan can be gamed. I'd work the numbers like crazy to try and fit in greasy food or sweet snacks. And exercise tracking never quite seems accurate; a tiny tweak of the numbers and the total calories burned can change by 100!

What I would like to try going forward is a simpler way of looking at food and exercise. Here's what I'm thinking.

Food

I would like to try to eat something every two or three hours. That something will just be one serving of one thing.

I've noticed that I tend to order a lot of different things at restaurants. This is because if I just have a lot of one food, I get bored. I'm going to try to use this to my advantage. If all I can eat at any particular moment is this one thing, then, paradoxically, perhaps I will eat less of it than I would if I also had other stuff to go with it. And even if not, I still will only be eating that one thing.

Under this plan, I will no longer eat big meals. When I go out to eat, I will order one a la carte item or side item. And I'll have to get Sean not to make me a big dinner anymore--or eat the dinner he makes one item at a time over the course of several hours.

I will also try to eat more "good" stuff than "bad" stuff in any given day. I might get a chicken soft taco at lunch, but that's cool as long as I've been eating fruits, vegetables, whole grains, healthy soups, etc. the rest of the day. I'll try to eat more natural stuff and less processed stuff.

My hope is that since I'll be eating every few hours, I won't feel hungry, but because I'll be eating smarter, I won't be eating as much.

Exercise

Instead of coming up with a specific exercise regimen, I will instead work towards the goal of 30 to 90 minutes of physical activity every day. This does not have to happen at the gym, and the time does not have to be consecutive. For example, I could do 15 minutes in the morning, 15 minutes at lunch, and 15 minutes in the evening for a 45-minute activity day.

Compared to the thought of going to the gym for an hour each morning, this sounds like a piece of cake. I really feel like this is a sustainable model.

Under this plan, I won't worry about the type of activity I'm doing or how many calories I'm burning. Instead, I'll pick fun activities and then work myself as hard as possible.

Logistics

In order to make this work, I will have to do some planning. To eat every few hours, I will need to pack or purchase four to five items each workday. I may try setting specific eating times, but ultimately I think it'll be easier to just note the time whenever I eat and make sure I have something else within the next three hours.

Bananas, yogurt, and pretzels are some examples of the types of food I can pack, but I know I've gotten bored with healthy snacks before, so I will need to try to have more variety.

To facilitate ongoing physical activity, I think I will need to break down and start keeping exercise clothes and shoes at work. It can be something of a hassle to remember to bring things home to be washed, but packing and bringing workout clothes each morning is unsustainable. Ultimately, having at least the shoes there will ensure I have no excuse to skip that day's physical activity.

So that's the plan. Wish me luck!

Chicken-Veggie Soft Tacos

olive oil
2 chicken breasts, thawed
1 onion
1 yellow squash
1 zucchini squash
2 tsp cumin
1 tsp red pepper
salt and pepper to taste
1 small can mushroom pieces, drained
1 tomato
8 small flour tortillas
8 large romaine lettuce leaves
shredded cheddar cheese

Cube chicken into centimeter-long pieces. Dice tomato, onion, and squash.

Brown onion in a large skillet or wok. Add squash, cumin, and red pepper; cook until soft and well-seasoned.

In separate skillet, shake salt and pepper over chicken. Cook until chicken is no longer pink, about three minutes.

Add chicken to vegetable mixture. Pour in mushrooms and tomato. Stir, cover, and heat through.

Place one tortilla on a plate; cover with lettuce leaf. Spoon two heaping tablespoons of the chicken-veggie filling onto the lettuce. Sprinkle with cheddar cheese. Fold the tortilla in half. Repeat until you have 8 soft tacos.

---

I invented this recipe tonight from ingredients I had on hand. Turned out pretty good! Unfortunately I did not take any pictures.

Sean and I each ate four soft tacos. I ended up having a little filling left over, which probably could have been doled out among the eight tacos.

Lunch outside

Tandoori chicken and spinach; rice and peas; steamed broccoli; and tomato slices.

My first meal of the day

Somehow I managed not to eat until 1:30pm. I don't consider this a good thing.

Regardless, for now I'm having a mango and some whole grain crackers with cheese.

Ruby Tuesday: Avocado Turkey Burger

I ate the side salad and then realized I hadn't taken a picture of it. It had the best croutons EVAR. They were some sort of dark brown bread.

Edit: Kelly says the croutons are pumpernickel. :D

Baked tilapia with mango salsa

So here's what I did with most of the rest of the salsa:

I still have a little left, which hopefully I will eat today, in some form or fashion.

Mango Salsa

Since joining Oasis Garden's CSA, I've had more and more interesting produce to try and create dishes with. It's forced me to be more creative with what I have on hand.

The past two weeks there's been a mango in my box. I still had both of them as of tonight, so I decided I'd better use the oldest one.

A recipe for Avocado-Mango Salsa was included in last week's box. I didn't have all the ingredients so I omitted some and substituted others. Here's what I ended up doing--and it's amazingly delicious! I'm going to eat some with chips tonight and save the rest to go with fish tomorrow.

Mango Salsa

1 mango, peeled, seeded and diced
1/2 tomato, diced
1 green bell pepper, seeded and diced
3/4 c chopped onion
1 T white sugar
1 T olive oil
2 T white wine vinegar
1 avocado, peeled, pitted and diced
1 tsp salt

Toss first seven ingredients together, then fold in avocado. Season with salt.

This morning's McDonald's experience

I ordered a number 12, which is two sausage burritos and hash browns, with a Diet Coke, no ice, and a fruit 'n yogurt parfait.

At first I received...a fruit 'n yogurt parfait. "I also ordered a number 12," I informed the girl at the window. She had me pull forward.

When she came out with my food, there was no drink. "I also had a Diet Coke, no ice," I told her. As she ran back in to get the drink, I looked in the bag and saw that there was an apple pie in it. There also seemed to be two burritos and a hash brown, though, so I decided not to worry about it.

Finally at work I opened everything and discovered that instead of two sausage burritos, I was given two breakfast burritos.

Short attention span

Sometimes I will eat about three bites of my meal and think, "Okay, that's enough of that. Can I have something different now?" The multi-course meal I enjoyed with Brooke and David at The Old Vicarage is a good example of how I seem to want to be fed.

Breakfast

There's something about the still solitude of the early morning that calls out for Waffle House.

Chocolate Gateau

And Wes.

Thai Chicken Salad

At the "new" White Elephant. It has three pieces of tempura-fried chicken and a glob of mango sorbet.

The Best Salad Ever

Today when I got home from a lovely hour-long bike ride at the Greeneway I was in the mood for a serious salad. I immediately started pulling all the fruits and vegetables out of the fridge. A little washing and chopping, and voila:

In this salad:

• spring mix
• locally-grown, fresh English peas
• 1 locally-grown tomato
• seedless red grapes
• strawberries
• baby carrots, sectioned
• 1/8 cup shredded sharp cheddar cheese
• a handful of celery stalks

I intended to use a packet of Berry Balsamic Vinaigrette from Chick-fil-A, but that turned out to be completely unnecessary. The salad was absolutely amazing just as it was. I enjoyed it at my desk with the blinds open while working on my laptop:

Pimiento cheese sandwich

Jeff very kindly brought me back an official Masters Tournament pimiento cheese sandwich. This is as close to the Masters experience as I am likely to get. I look forward to seeing how it compares to Grandma's...pretty sure it won't come out on top (because what could?) but here's hoping it makes a good showing ;)

Sweet Lou's Crab Shack

Today I decided to try a new place for lunch: Sweet Lou's Crab Shack on Broad Street near 13th.

I noticed the place the other day--there's a huge blue banner with the restaurant's name and a neat-looking crab right over the door. Today, upon closer inspection, I see the name "Sweet Lou's Coffee and Bagel Sandwich Shop" on the windows. I'm not sure I would have been as intrigued by that...so bravo, Lou, on your rebranding!

The place is done up like a beach restaurant/coffee shop. You really just have to see it. I would have sat inside to enjoy the decor, but I was the only customer and it's beautiful outside, so I opted for the sunny Broad Street view.

The girl behind the counter has reddish hair and a smile like Christina Applegate's. She plucked me up a menu off the coffee table in the couch and chair lounge area near the back of the joint. Looking over the selections, I was surprised at the number of items that did not involve crab. I noted that they have breakfast, sandwiches, and entrees, and they're a little pricey. I settled on a fish sandwich called "Harbor Breeze", a fruit salad (the sandwiches don't come with any sides) and a can of Diet Coke.

I waited about 25 minutes for my food, but it was worth it. The fruit salad consisted of a large, pleasantly smooth green bowl filled with grapes, pineapple, strawberries, and kiwi. "Your fruit salad looks amazing," the girl said as she placed it in front of me. "I'm jealous."

The fish, light and crispy on the outside from frying, came on a toasted bagel with lettuce, tomato, and orange (probably American) cheese. It was delicious.

The prices are a bit steep, and the location, on a block with a payday lender, a nail salon, a planned parenthood office and an imaging service, is not ideal. But the food is delicious, the ambiance is relaxed and fun, and there are indoor and outdoor seating options. It should do well...as long as enough people discover it!

Lunch

Turkey sandwich with bag salad and local hydroponic tomato on locally-made Bleu cheese bread; Knorr butter noodles; orange slices.

If I'd finished building the bistro set I could be eating outside! Oh well, at least the door's open.

Making a "Mock Danish"

Fat free cream cheese, egg beaters, Splenda, and vanilla. Recipe from Dietician.

A horrible day turns good, then weird (TMI)

Today I felt terrible. I was on the verge of tears well into early afternoon, and then I actually did cry.

It started with my new, poorly-researched diet plan. I had had high hopes for the iPhone application Dietician, and what happy changes it might bring to my life. I got up at 7 and fiddled around until around 8:15 and then went shopping to get the groceries to follow Dietician's plan for this week.

And already I'd hit a stumbling block. Dietician's shopping lists are "today", or today plus 7 or 14 days. Think about the logistics of shopping for today's meals for a minute. So I'm supposed to go to the grocery store before breakfast, and then cook everything that needs to be cooked when I get back, before work?

I ran around the store in a frenzy, trying to get everything on the list, which was very inconveniently not sorted by grocery store section. Making matters more difficult was the fact that the amount of each food item was not totaled up; I had to do it in my head as I went. I had known about these cons to the program when I bought it, but I hadn't realized just how much of a pain they were going to be until I actually tried it.

I got as many of the items as I could before I realized I was way out of time--another con: when you have Dietician open, you can't see the clock! Then I checked out and hurried home and threw everything into the refrigerator and freezer. Of course, I had no time to prepare the recipes that were assigned for today. So I gave up and tossed cereal and my leftover meatloaf sandwich half in my lunch box and flew off to work.

I hadn't had anything to eat and the new diet plan I'd had such high hopes for had turned out to be a disaster. Those were perfectly good reasons to be upset, and so I figured that was all it was. I was as pleasant as I could possibly be to everyone--fortunately I wasn't in one of my evil moods, just a very self-piteous one. But I had trouble concentrating and ended up eating what I'd packed for lunch almost immediately, and then, over my late lunch break, I decided to escape to Boll Weevil. I started crying almost as soon as I got into my car and the tears didn't stop until I got there.

Originally I figured I'd eat something ridiculously bad for me that I hadn't allowed myself to eat in awhile, but after that meatloaf sandwich I really didn't feel up to it, so I ended up having a salad with chicken salad on top. The chicken salad was a treat; I've hardly ever had it in the past year due to all the mayonnaise. Then I decided I wanted cake. Big gooey all chocolate cake. So I ordered a slice of Perfect Chocolate Cake, which is really the equivalent of two or three pieces, and ate quite a bit of it.

It was simply amazing how I felt about a half hour after that. My concentration returned. I was smiling. I felt productive. I had honestly expected to be even more miserable due to guilt over eating so much bad-for-me food, but that feeling was nowhere to be found. I felt...happy.

I finished up some niggling tasks and laid out a plan for tomorrow. Finally it was time to leave. I stopped in the bathroom on my way out...and that's when I discovered what might account for it all.

Blood. Just a trace.

"You're kidding," I said aloud. I double-checked. "You're not kidding."

When I got home I looked at my calendar. I'd had a period in January that lasted nine days. It had started on January 10--30 days ago.

This could very well be a regular cycle.

You must understand, I have not had normal periods without the assistance of hormone medication since before I had cancer in 1997. I have occasionally had periods, but each one was isolated, with the next coming months or years later.

I am still having trouble believing that I'm having one now, so soon after the last. So...normally!

It is obviously premature to assume this means anything, other than perhaps that my weight loss efforts have helped my whole body become healthier. But if you know me, you know that my thoughts immediately went to the possibility of children. Try as I might, I can't imagine that I'll give up all hope until I'm too old.

For now, though, I'm concentrating on immediate truths: that ultimately this is a good thing, that I'm getting healthier, that there's nothing wrong with me...and that I can cure PMS with chocolate.

I wish I could go back in time and comfort mid-afternoon me, who sat in her car wailing "Why does this keep happening to me?" with tears streaming down her face.

It's okay, me. It's just your period.