Dawn and Sam are gone, Dawn to Atlanta to spend the night with her family and then fly to Colorado to see Jered, and Sam back home to Huntsville. It was a great visit, kind of a whirlwind, but absolutely fun. I wish they lived closer. At any rate, I'm looking forward to the next time :)
Pictures are up (look here and here). I have captioned a few, but I'm not done yet. However, since I have work and a doctor's appointment tomorrow, I need to hit the sack. So the captions will be done later. When I feel like it.
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
On faith
All fear of hell ever did for me was keep me from giving up Christianity.
The reason I didn't do things like smoke, drink, have sex, sneak out of the house, etc. when I was younger was because I was too scared to--both of the danger of doing those things, and of the repercussions of getting caught. I hated punishment, of course, but I hated disappointing Mom and Dad more. My goal was to make them proud of me.
Of course, I wasn't exactly pristine. I started getting weird ideas when I turned 15 and found Bulletin Board Services like The Night Watcher. In fact, the first time I considered sneaking out (but didn't do it, of course), was because I wanted to go to a party hosted by a BBS friend, and I didn't think Mom would go for it.
There were also private things that I was going through that made me truly hate myself. I don't know why, but I never quite bought the absolution from all sins thing. Either that, or I was too prideful to accept it. I didn't want to need to be forgiven. I thought I was a sucky Christian, and because I was unable to force myself to be worthy--or I was too lazy to do so, as I often thought--I was absolutely miserable. The whole thing about not having to be worthy, because "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God", well, that just didn't apply to me, because I was supposed to be better than that.
It was those things that started me down the road to losing my religion--and getting cancer, facing death, and surviving was what gave me the courage to actually discard it. Because, yes, for years I was forcing myself to "believe", out of a fear of hell. There was a moment in the hospital when I had a fever of 105. I remembered Mom saying that you could die from a fever that high. As I lay there, closing my eyes against the dizziness, feeling my consciousness floating hazily around, I thought, "I could just go ahead and die." And for the first time, it didn't scare me.
I don't think I ever actually stopped believing in God, though, because I hated him for years thereafter. My most frequent question was, "Why did he let me live?" At the time, I didn't see the point. Not if I was going to be childless.
Sean was the one who pulled me out of my despair and gave me a reason to live. Seriously. He forced me to stop moping around, to embrace life, and I am so glad he did. I wouldn't have any of the wonderful things I have now if I'd continued on like that.
So now I consider myself agnostic, because there might be a God and there might not, and I have no idea what the nature of that God is. I at once like and dislike the idea that "everything happens for a reason". If there was a reason for me to have cancer and to become possibly sterile, I don't know if I find that comforting. I can think of two huge "reasons": so Dad would stop drinking, and so I could meet Sean. And those two things are great, and you'd think I could live with making a sacrifice for such wonderful things, but I'm selfish. Everyone who reads this journal knows how much I want kids.
Having cancer also gave me the time to learn web design, and kick-started my college career after a relapse. So these are also plusses. But in the face of never being a mommy, those things seem pretty pale.
If there is no reason for anything, on the other hand, then that puts the responsibility on me to add meaning to my life, and I'm scared that all I'll do is drop the ball.
At any rate, I don't think I can ever go back to Christianity. My self-destructive personality does not thrive under that religion. I don't know that I will never go back to religion in general. The unitarian universalists, for example, are pretty interesting. Right now, however, I just feel like I want to let things "sink in" some more.
The reason I didn't do things like smoke, drink, have sex, sneak out of the house, etc. when I was younger was because I was too scared to--both of the danger of doing those things, and of the repercussions of getting caught. I hated punishment, of course, but I hated disappointing Mom and Dad more. My goal was to make them proud of me.
Of course, I wasn't exactly pristine. I started getting weird ideas when I turned 15 and found Bulletin Board Services like The Night Watcher. In fact, the first time I considered sneaking out (but didn't do it, of course), was because I wanted to go to a party hosted by a BBS friend, and I didn't think Mom would go for it.
There were also private things that I was going through that made me truly hate myself. I don't know why, but I never quite bought the absolution from all sins thing. Either that, or I was too prideful to accept it. I didn't want to need to be forgiven. I thought I was a sucky Christian, and because I was unable to force myself to be worthy--or I was too lazy to do so, as I often thought--I was absolutely miserable. The whole thing about not having to be worthy, because "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God", well, that just didn't apply to me, because I was supposed to be better than that.
It was those things that started me down the road to losing my religion--and getting cancer, facing death, and surviving was what gave me the courage to actually discard it. Because, yes, for years I was forcing myself to "believe", out of a fear of hell. There was a moment in the hospital when I had a fever of 105. I remembered Mom saying that you could die from a fever that high. As I lay there, closing my eyes against the dizziness, feeling my consciousness floating hazily around, I thought, "I could just go ahead and die." And for the first time, it didn't scare me.
I don't think I ever actually stopped believing in God, though, because I hated him for years thereafter. My most frequent question was, "Why did he let me live?" At the time, I didn't see the point. Not if I was going to be childless.
Sean was the one who pulled me out of my despair and gave me a reason to live. Seriously. He forced me to stop moping around, to embrace life, and I am so glad he did. I wouldn't have any of the wonderful things I have now if I'd continued on like that.
So now I consider myself agnostic, because there might be a God and there might not, and I have no idea what the nature of that God is. I at once like and dislike the idea that "everything happens for a reason". If there was a reason for me to have cancer and to become possibly sterile, I don't know if I find that comforting. I can think of two huge "reasons": so Dad would stop drinking, and so I could meet Sean. And those two things are great, and you'd think I could live with making a sacrifice for such wonderful things, but I'm selfish. Everyone who reads this journal knows how much I want kids.
Having cancer also gave me the time to learn web design, and kick-started my college career after a relapse. So these are also plusses. But in the face of never being a mommy, those things seem pretty pale.
If there is no reason for anything, on the other hand, then that puts the responsibility on me to add meaning to my life, and I'm scared that all I'll do is drop the ball.
At any rate, I don't think I can ever go back to Christianity. My self-destructive personality does not thrive under that religion. I don't know that I will never go back to religion in general. The unitarian universalists, for example, are pretty interesting. Right now, however, I just feel like I want to let things "sink in" some more.
Monday, September 27, 2004
Oh, by the way...Dawn is here :D
More pictures will surely follow. For now, enjoy this evidence of Stage One in the Corruption of Dawn: Krystal's.
Sunday, September 26, 2004
Sex laws
"Of course, we don't think it's a very good thing to have junior high school children running around having sex. Tokyo wants to make sure it gives them every chance to have a wholesome upbringing, but in the end, sex is a very private matter and, despite our responsibilities, it's not really an area we should be encroaching on."He has a point. I would be more interested in how, exactly, you would prosecute.
Teenagers at junior high and high school in Tokyo have been responsible for rapidly escalating rates of abortion and sexually transmitted diseases in recent years.Well, this is bad. But I'm not sure that writing "teen sex is prohibited" on a piece of paper would really help. If the government wants to do something, maybe they could, for example, put pressure on the makers of television shows not to depict junior high school students in love relationships that go beyond simple "like".
Of course, fundamentally, I'm against even that. It's not the TV's job to raise kids, just like it's not the police's, or the government's. What people should really be looking at is how to enable parents to better do their jobs, rather than taking the responsibility away from the parents. Maybe this would be by enforcing a shorter work week, to allow parents to be home more. Or by working to provide housing closer to the businesses where people work--those two and three hour train commutes are no good for families. While a law prohibiting teen sex would probably shame Japanese parents into keeping an eye out, ultimately they can't really do anything if they don't have the time to do so.
Essentially, I think laws like this are far too simplistic. There are reasons for why problems crop up, and those reasons should be looked into. This goes for any problem, anywhere in the world. You can't outlaw the effect, ignore the cause and expect to see results.
[Note: I don't know if the first paragraph of the article is in error, or if Governor Ishihara misread the law.]
Saturday, September 25, 2004
So...totally...screwed...
So I beat level 12-7 finally! But level 13-1 TOTALLY KICKED MY ASS!!!
Worse yet, I can't just try again. I have to start back from level 12-1 >_<
I will defeat you, Zuma!!!!!!! THIS I VOW!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, September 23, 2004
Now this would have been a cool party to attend...
Check it out.
Predictably,
Predictably,
The party ended shortly after the beer ran out.But that's not why it's a cool party!
Star Wars
Kevin got his boxset today. Mine is somewhere between Knoxville and Atlanta. Apparently there are some problems with the sound in ANH. We'll have to wait and see.
[14:38:21] <r3ap3r> god
[14:38:30] <r3ap3r> why does greedo have to fire first, george?
[14:38:31] <r3ap3r> why
[14:38:51] <COSLeia> because he couldn't easily change the blasters into commlinks
[14:38:21] <r3ap3r> god
[14:38:30] <r3ap3r> why does greedo have to fire first, george?
[14:38:31] <r3ap3r> why
[14:38:51] <COSLeia> because he couldn't easily change the blasters into commlinks
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
Weasley is our king
Via Mari, the Ron Weasley is Albus Dumbledore theory.
I like it! (Even if the essay is rather poorly written, the theory seems sound.)
I like it! (Even if the essay is rather poorly written, the theory seems sound.)
Obviously my ovaries are still there
So don't panic, non-connoisseurs of medical science. ;P I wrote the previous post the way I did because that was how I was feeling at the time. It was cathartic. I was entertaining all kinds of wild theories, like: "What if my 'period' in May was actually my disintegrated ovaries falling out?" But this is an emotional time for me. I'm going through all sorts of weird tests, trying to find out if I can do what I've hoped to do all my life. On top of that, I'm trying to find a new job, which is as self-defining as anything you can do in life. (And it's not helpful to one's self-esteem to sit around waiting and waiting for emails!) Money issues are also floating around in the back of my head, and I'm still worried about the old standbys: losing weight, and organizing myself to keep my household running smoothly.
As you can see, I have a lot going on! It's only natural that I will feel emotional, and that I will think crazy things. I'm well aware of that. So don't call Charter Ridge ;>
As you can see, I have a lot going on! It's only natural that I will feel emotional, and that I will think crazy things. I'm well aware of that. So don't call Charter Ridge ;>
The missing ovaries
When I told my mother-in-law that I had an ultrasound today, she asked if it was going to be the one where they went inside. I said I didn't know. She wished it wouldn't be, for my sake; she said, "It doesn't hurt, but it's...uncomfortable." I told Mari a few days later, "I hope it isn't the invasive one."
When I went to the screening room today, the first thing the technician said was, "Have you ever had a vaginal ultrasound before?" So much for that.
I stripped waist down, lay flat on my back with my ass dangling and my feet up in stirrups, and cringed as a long white probe (wearing a wet condom) was shoved up inside me. Later, I would reflect that this must be what heterosexual sex for lesbians is like. At the time, all I was thinking about was ignoring the fact that it was unpleasant.
I expected it to last a few minutes, like a regular GYN exam, and then the discomfort would be over. So when the exam went on and on, with the technician pressing against my lower belly and forcing the proboscis around in ways that brought tears to my eyes, I was not particularly happy. I had no idea when it was going to end, and it felt like she was doing the same things over and over.
It turns out that she was.
Eventually she called "Dr. Judy" over. I started to feel a little worried. "I'm just going to have her look," the technician said when I asked if something was wrong. After a few minutes of watching the screen while the technician moved the probe around, Dr. Judy had me press down on my own stomach while she did the exam herself. From their murmured conversation which I could barely hear, I figured out what was going on.
"Can't see my ovary?"
The technician pulled the probe out. "Sure can't," she said. "Sometimes that happens."
After a pause, I responded, "But the other one was okay?"
"Actually, we can't see either one of them." She didn't sound particularly bothered by this. "There's a lot of stuff in there that gets in the way," she explained. "I'm going to look from the outside." She removed the stirrups, raised the foot of the bed, had me straighten my legs, and lubed up the normal ultrasound device, the one that feels like a steamroller.
"After my exploratory lap, the surgeon apparently told my mother that my ovaries were fine," I said.
"Oh? When was that?"
"...1998."
She began rolling the thing over my pelvis. It was far less uncomfortable than the vaginal probe, but now I was edgy. She shoved it across the middle, then either side, and then finally pulled it away. Something about her manner clued me in.
"My ovaries are still there, right? They haven't, like, spontaneously combusted..." I said.
"Should be," the technician said. "We just can't see them. If they need to, they'll do a CT scan to get a look at them." She gave me a towel and told me to clean up and get dressed. When I did, she showed me where to dispose of the towel and hospital gown, told me she'd fax the results to my endocrinologist, and said, "Goodbye."
I almost started crying on my way out to the waiting room. In the parking garage, I accidentally walked up one flight of stairs too many, and when I got back to the correct level, I almost walked right past my car without seeing it.
When I went to the screening room today, the first thing the technician said was, "Have you ever had a vaginal ultrasound before?" So much for that.
I stripped waist down, lay flat on my back with my ass dangling and my feet up in stirrups, and cringed as a long white probe (wearing a wet condom) was shoved up inside me. Later, I would reflect that this must be what heterosexual sex for lesbians is like. At the time, all I was thinking about was ignoring the fact that it was unpleasant.
I expected it to last a few minutes, like a regular GYN exam, and then the discomfort would be over. So when the exam went on and on, with the technician pressing against my lower belly and forcing the proboscis around in ways that brought tears to my eyes, I was not particularly happy. I had no idea when it was going to end, and it felt like she was doing the same things over and over.
It turns out that she was.
Eventually she called "Dr. Judy" over. I started to feel a little worried. "I'm just going to have her look," the technician said when I asked if something was wrong. After a few minutes of watching the screen while the technician moved the probe around, Dr. Judy had me press down on my own stomach while she did the exam herself. From their murmured conversation which I could barely hear, I figured out what was going on.
"Can't see my ovary?"
The technician pulled the probe out. "Sure can't," she said. "Sometimes that happens."
After a pause, I responded, "But the other one was okay?"
"Actually, we can't see either one of them." She didn't sound particularly bothered by this. "There's a lot of stuff in there that gets in the way," she explained. "I'm going to look from the outside." She removed the stirrups, raised the foot of the bed, had me straighten my legs, and lubed up the normal ultrasound device, the one that feels like a steamroller.
"After my exploratory lap, the surgeon apparently told my mother that my ovaries were fine," I said.
"Oh? When was that?"
"...1998."
She began rolling the thing over my pelvis. It was far less uncomfortable than the vaginal probe, but now I was edgy. She shoved it across the middle, then either side, and then finally pulled it away. Something about her manner clued me in.
"My ovaries are still there, right? They haven't, like, spontaneously combusted..." I said.
"Should be," the technician said. "We just can't see them. If they need to, they'll do a CT scan to get a look at them." She gave me a towel and told me to clean up and get dressed. When I did, she showed me where to dispose of the towel and hospital gown, told me she'd fax the results to my endocrinologist, and said, "Goodbye."
I almost started crying on my way out to the waiting room. In the parking garage, I accidentally walked up one flight of stairs too many, and when I got back to the correct level, I almost walked right past my car without seeing it.
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
More from Sudbury :D
[Note: Sabrewolf plays Vlad, and pretends he's trying to hide that fact.]
[23:54:14] <Sabrewolf> You're going to be Vlad's assistant. I'll have to introduce you to his player at some point >_> <_<
[23:54:21] * COSLeia dies
[23:54:40] <COSLeia> just make sure he doesn't take her to Sudbury
[23:54:49] <Ironside> One day Vlad will try to gather some actual intelligence!
[23:54:52] * COSLeia waits for Nate's logic circuits to malfunction
[23:55:03] * Sabrewolf does indeed malfunction
[23:55:04] <Ironside> XD
[23:55:15] <Sabrewolf> One day Vlad will get the resources he requested from his CO a long time ago!
[23:55:26] <COSLeia> lol
[23:55:38] * Sabrewolf is too tired to remember what Vlad's player said those were right now
[23:55:40] * Ironside replaces Nate's logic circuits with imatation Folger's Crystals
[23:55:54] * Sabrewolf adds hot water and drinks self
[23:56:03] <COSLeia> wow
[23:56:09] <Ironside> :D
[23:56:12] <COSLeia> didn't know you were THAT desperate to go to Sudbury
[23:56:18] <Ironside> LOL
[23:56:20] <Sabrewolf> What?
[23:56:24] * Ironside dies
[23:56:24] <Sabrewolf> o_O
[23:56:30] <COSLeia> haha, I rule.
[23:56:33] <Ironside> Flexible, are you?
[23:56:42] <Sabrewolf> ...wait...
[23:56:44] <Sabrewolf> ARGH!
[23:56:47] <Ironside> :D
[23:56:47] <COSLeia> ROFLMAO
[23:54:14] <Sabrewolf> You're going to be Vlad's assistant. I'll have to introduce you to his player at some point >_> <_<
[23:54:21] * COSLeia dies
[23:54:40] <COSLeia> just make sure he doesn't take her to Sudbury
[23:54:49] <Ironside> One day Vlad will try to gather some actual intelligence!
[23:54:52] * COSLeia waits for Nate's logic circuits to malfunction
[23:55:03] * Sabrewolf does indeed malfunction
[23:55:04] <Ironside> XD
[23:55:15] <Sabrewolf> One day Vlad will get the resources he requested from his CO a long time ago!
[23:55:26] <COSLeia> lol
[23:55:38] * Sabrewolf is too tired to remember what Vlad's player said those were right now
[23:55:40] * Ironside replaces Nate's logic circuits with imatation Folger's Crystals
[23:55:54] * Sabrewolf adds hot water and drinks self
[23:56:03] <COSLeia> wow
[23:56:09] <Ironside> :D
[23:56:12] <COSLeia> didn't know you were THAT desperate to go to Sudbury
[23:56:18] <Ironside> LOL
[23:56:20] <Sabrewolf> What?
[23:56:24] * Ironside dies
[23:56:24] <Sabrewolf> o_O
[23:56:30] <COSLeia> haha, I rule.
[23:56:33] <Ironside> Flexible, are you?
[23:56:42] <Sabrewolf> ...wait...
[23:56:44] <Sabrewolf> ARGH!
[23:56:47] <Ironside> :D
[23:56:47] <COSLeia> ROFLMAO
I'm still missing Brooke's point
She told me earlier that I can't know why everything is the way it is, and that sometimes I just have to accept that someone wins because it's their turn to win.
Horror!
Seriously, that kind of goes against my entire life philosophy of rewards based on merit. (Although maybe being very, very patient and waiting for one's turn to win is meritorious? Hmm...)
Horror!
Seriously, that kind of goes against my entire life philosophy of rewards based on merit. (Although maybe being very, very patient and waiting for one's turn to win is meritorious? Hmm...)
More obnoxious self-analysis
It may seem that I was missing the point of Brooke's message when I said "If I go into the AMRN planning on not winning, then I shouldn't be a ship captain, right?" The point was, of course, that I should go into it without planning either way, or at least, if I'm planning on winning, to be fine with it if I don't.
The thing is, when I "lose" on the AMRN, I often have a hard time understanding why.
I was thinking about it more on my way home from work this morning. The AMRN has a rules set, but it is incomplete. GM resolutions are typically based on the GM's opinion of how things work, both in physics and in Macross. Most of our GMs haven't seen all of Macross. None of them has a degree in physics.
This is not to say that they must automatically be wrong; far from it. I trust a lot of them farther than I'd trust myself in regards to physics and RPG stats. But since there isn't a consistent way to resolve combat, the same actions with the same abilities can yield different results, depending on who's GMing.
Because of that, I've never felt like I've learned enough to be comfortable with the rules. With minor actions you just have to shrug and go on with life. Major actions, however, often involve huge OOC debates over who's right. There is no standard.
That's why, when even more stuff is introduced--fanfic ships, fanfic mecha, new bad guys with all new technology--I get even more frustrated. We don't even have consistent rules for the technology we already have. Adding more serves no purpose when the existing system is incomplete.
(Actually, the purpose it serves is to hold the interest of the people who are tired of the "boring" stuff, who are looking for something new. And in that it succeeds...but how long can the new stuff be "interesting" before people realize they have no idea how to win?)
There's no true foundation for any of it except the dogfights in the Macross series, which have not been translated into the AMRN rules set. I don't even know if that would help.
So, I think what it is is that I get frustrated with things that are imperfect, that could and should be better, and yet are not on the road to being fixed. Getting to play with my friends will not alleviate that feeling.
Therefore, quitting was good, and I don't regret it.
The thing is, when I "lose" on the AMRN, I often have a hard time understanding why.
I was thinking about it more on my way home from work this morning. The AMRN has a rules set, but it is incomplete. GM resolutions are typically based on the GM's opinion of how things work, both in physics and in Macross. Most of our GMs haven't seen all of Macross. None of them has a degree in physics.
This is not to say that they must automatically be wrong; far from it. I trust a lot of them farther than I'd trust myself in regards to physics and RPG stats. But since there isn't a consistent way to resolve combat, the same actions with the same abilities can yield different results, depending on who's GMing.
Because of that, I've never felt like I've learned enough to be comfortable with the rules. With minor actions you just have to shrug and go on with life. Major actions, however, often involve huge OOC debates over who's right. There is no standard.
That's why, when even more stuff is introduced--fanfic ships, fanfic mecha, new bad guys with all new technology--I get even more frustrated. We don't even have consistent rules for the technology we already have. Adding more serves no purpose when the existing system is incomplete.
(Actually, the purpose it serves is to hold the interest of the people who are tired of the "boring" stuff, who are looking for something new. And in that it succeeds...but how long can the new stuff be "interesting" before people realize they have no idea how to win?)
There's no true foundation for any of it except the dogfights in the Macross series, which have not been translated into the AMRN rules set. I don't even know if that would help.
So, I think what it is is that I get frustrated with things that are imperfect, that could and should be better, and yet are not on the road to being fixed. Getting to play with my friends will not alleviate that feeling.
Therefore, quitting was good, and I don't regret it.
Was quitting a good thing, or am I just a quitter?
Had lots of weird dreams last night, an obvious sign that I went to bed restless. It took forever for me to fall asleep after I quit the AMRN, logged off IRC due to feeling out of place, talked over some of my problems with my bosom friend and another friend from the AMRN, and finally gave up and shut down the computer. I felt horribly depressed and alone, like no one would understand my motivations, and like I will never find what I'm really looking for, because I don't know what it is.
I was explaining part of how I was feeling to Brooke: that I play to win, and that on the AMRN that means I have to be on top of mecha and ship stats, and my eyes just glaze over whenever I see either of those, so it isn't particularly fun to try to win...it feels like work. She said something interesting to me then.
Seriously, I don't know. If I go into the AMRN planning on not winning, then I shouldn't be a ship captain, right? Because a ship captain should try her damnedest to do her job well. But I could be a reluctant second lieutenant, like Mick Allen. I had a lot of fun with him without worrying too much about game mechanics. He followed a simple rule: stay with your wingman/team. That was pretty much it.
But I don't really want to play Mick, I don't think. :P Right now, I feel tired of all of my characters.
Vertigo suggested that I just make a brand new second lieutenant character, but I'm not sure if I would go for that either. I guess it's just anathema to me to try to play a character who isn't good at his/her job. Unless I'm actively trying to be the worst--in which case I would need to know how to be the best, for contrast!
I'm a perfectionist and a control freak. When I make my characters do something, I want to know what their chances of winning are, how good they are at the thing, what the possible variables are, etc. I don't know those things when I play on the AMRN. I feel like I'm shooting in the dark. I've had characters succeed when I thought they should fail, and fail when I thought they should succeed. It makes me feel like I'm just groping around, like there's no certainty to anything I do.
Sam's posts are always so rich with detail, explaining the science behind why his actions work. I could never be that detailed, not even if I studied mecha like a madwoman. It's like when I was trying to be an aerospace engineer. The stuff's neat to look at, but I do not want to study it!
Why don't I want to study it? Is it really because I don't like it? Do I avoid it because it's hard? This is the big question for me, but if it's the latter it must be far more subtle than that. There must be something ingrained in my personality that dislikes anything I perceive to be difficult. Is that what it is?
I've risen to challenges before, haven't I? When I really wanted to do something? Like learn how to build a website?
I just feel like there's something wrong with me. Everyone else is having so much fun. I want to join in and have fun with them. I was there, I was trying. But I wasn't having fun. The future stretched out bleak and tiresome before me.
So I turned around, and left all my AMRN friends behind me. And now that I'm irrelevant again, I don't even know if I can stand to hang out in the IRC channel.
That's what really hurts the most.
I was explaining part of how I was feeling to Brooke: that I play to win, and that on the AMRN that means I have to be on top of mecha and ship stats, and my eyes just glaze over whenever I see either of those, so it isn't particularly fun to try to win...it feels like work. She said something interesting to me then.
I think you need to play something, and not win at it no matter how hard you try, and realize that it can still be fun, no matter who wins....:-)Does Zuma count? ;P
Seriously, I don't know. If I go into the AMRN planning on not winning, then I shouldn't be a ship captain, right? Because a ship captain should try her damnedest to do her job well. But I could be a reluctant second lieutenant, like Mick Allen. I had a lot of fun with him without worrying too much about game mechanics. He followed a simple rule: stay with your wingman/team. That was pretty much it.
But I don't really want to play Mick, I don't think. :P Right now, I feel tired of all of my characters.
Vertigo suggested that I just make a brand new second lieutenant character, but I'm not sure if I would go for that either. I guess it's just anathema to me to try to play a character who isn't good at his/her job. Unless I'm actively trying to be the worst--in which case I would need to know how to be the best, for contrast!
I'm a perfectionist and a control freak. When I make my characters do something, I want to know what their chances of winning are, how good they are at the thing, what the possible variables are, etc. I don't know those things when I play on the AMRN. I feel like I'm shooting in the dark. I've had characters succeed when I thought they should fail, and fail when I thought they should succeed. It makes me feel like I'm just groping around, like there's no certainty to anything I do.
Sam's posts are always so rich with detail, explaining the science behind why his actions work. I could never be that detailed, not even if I studied mecha like a madwoman. It's like when I was trying to be an aerospace engineer. The stuff's neat to look at, but I do not want to study it!
Why don't I want to study it? Is it really because I don't like it? Do I avoid it because it's hard? This is the big question for me, but if it's the latter it must be far more subtle than that. There must be something ingrained in my personality that dislikes anything I perceive to be difficult. Is that what it is?
I've risen to challenges before, haven't I? When I really wanted to do something? Like learn how to build a website?
I just feel like there's something wrong with me. Everyone else is having so much fun. I want to join in and have fun with them. I was there, I was trying. But I wasn't having fun. The future stretched out bleak and tiresome before me.
So I turned around, and left all my AMRN friends behind me. And now that I'm irrelevant again, I don't even know if I can stand to hang out in the IRC channel.
That's what really hurts the most.
Monday, September 20, 2004
Sunday, September 19, 2004
OH NOES
It occurred to me today that archivists might not read all my blogs and chat logs in order to find out about me...they might be interested in someone else entirely, someone I know!
What if I'm not the famous one? What if they're only interested in what I have to say as far as it regards someone else?
>_<!!!
What if I'm not the famous one? What if they're only interested in what I have to say as far as it regards someone else?
>_<!!!
Japan's Firearms and Swords Control Law
Once I knew that was what it was called, it wasn't difficult to find a copy. Pretty interesting stuff.
Firearms and Swords Control Law
Notably,
Firearms and Swords Control Law
Notably,
Persons with criminal records, and drug addicts, etc. are disqualified and cannot be issued licenses.That "etc." gives them a lot of leeway! "Sorry, sir, I can't let you have a weapons license. You fall under 'etc.'!"
Licenses for possession of swords are issued for individual swords for specific applications such as hunting, eradication of noxious birds and animals, slaughter of animals, fishing or construction, cases where possession is unavoidable due to Japanese customs and practice, cases where possession is unavoidable for plays or other artistic performances, and cases where such items are used for display in museums.Okay, I've got to get down to a Japanese construction site and see exactly what they're doing with the swords.
Saturday, September 18, 2004
He's so passionate about it...
The special edition, that's the one I wanted out there. The other movie, it's on VHS, if anybody wants it. ... I'm not going to spend the, we're talking millions of dollars here, the money and the time to refurbish that, because to me, it doesn't really exist anymore. It's like this is the movie I wanted it to be, and I'm sorry you saw half a completed film and fell in love with it. But I want it to be the way I want it to be. I'm the one who has to take responsibility for it. I'm the one who has to have everybody throw rocks at me all the time, so at least if they're going to throw rocks at me, they're going to throw rocks at me for something I love rather than something I think is not very good, or at least something I think is not finished.So, sorry, guys. You all have horrible taste. This, on the other hand, is a completed movie. Suck it up and get over it.
Thursday, September 16, 2004
Solid state photosynthesis
Science is amazing! I just read an article about how we can cause corneas to regrow...and now we're using chloroplasts from spinach to power cell phones.
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
"I cannot ignore the high silliness factor of nouse"
Well, neither can I. It's hilarious! Can you imagine a LAN party, full of people bobbing their heads all over the place and blinking furiously? It would look like a mass seizure...
More tests
I have a bone density exam scheduled for Monday. The endocrinologist's office called today; she wants me to have an ultrasound and some bloodwork in addition to that. I'm guessing that either the medical history I've had forwarded to her was inconclusive, or she is looking for a miracle, something the other doctors didn't see, in these next tests.
Here's hoping.
In other news, since I've been taking 1500 mg of calcium every day, my back has been feeling a lot better. Fancy that.
Here's hoping.
In other news, since I've been taking 1500 mg of calcium every day, my back has been feeling a lot better. Fancy that.
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
Okay, enough whining
So apparently I've decided that this is a livejournal. I've been bitching and moaning and moping and posting "woe is me" so much that I'm sure all of you are about to hurl all over your monitors, if you haven't done so already.
Sorry about that.
I have this tendency to want to wait for things to happen before doing other things. My rationale is that I don't want to waste the time and energy working on a schedule if I just have to revise it later.
I'm coming to realize that that shit ain't gonna fly.
Rather than waiting for my life to suddenly become perfect before I create routines for myself, I'm just going to go ahead and create some fucking routines.
Since I don't feel like doing a workout at 5 am anymore, I'll just do it after work for now. If and when I get a new job, I may go back to doing it beforehand.
Since I am here all freaking day, I have no excuse not to have an evening routine that includes making dinner, cleaning up dinner, running the dishwasher, and laying out the next day's clothes. I've actually been fairly good about keeping the kitchen tidy and laying out my clothes, but the dinner part needs some serious work. I need to go back to the days when I knew what was for dinner when I got up in the morning.
Establishing routines will free me of guilt during my lounge-around times, and hopefully unclutter my mind so I can think about other things.
I'll start small. Workout routine, dinner/before bed routine. Eventually I may add dusting, since that's something I hardly ever do, and it sorely needs to be done. But I don't want to overwhelm myself, like I always do. Babysteps ;P
One thing is definite. I need to go to the store. We are almost out of toilet paper!
Sorry about that.
I have this tendency to want to wait for things to happen before doing other things. My rationale is that I don't want to waste the time and energy working on a schedule if I just have to revise it later.
I'm coming to realize that that shit ain't gonna fly.
Rather than waiting for my life to suddenly become perfect before I create routines for myself, I'm just going to go ahead and create some fucking routines.
Since I don't feel like doing a workout at 5 am anymore, I'll just do it after work for now. If and when I get a new job, I may go back to doing it beforehand.
Since I am here all freaking day, I have no excuse not to have an evening routine that includes making dinner, cleaning up dinner, running the dishwasher, and laying out the next day's clothes. I've actually been fairly good about keeping the kitchen tidy and laying out my clothes, but the dinner part needs some serious work. I need to go back to the days when I knew what was for dinner when I got up in the morning.
Establishing routines will free me of guilt during my lounge-around times, and hopefully unclutter my mind so I can think about other things.
I'll start small. Workout routine, dinner/before bed routine. Eventually I may add dusting, since that's something I hardly ever do, and it sorely needs to be done. But I don't want to overwhelm myself, like I always do. Babysteps ;P
One thing is definite. I need to go to the store. We are almost out of toilet paper!
This morning, I feel inexplicably sad.
I just want my moods to be balanced. I don't know if they ever were before, but even if they weren't I don't think they were quite this bad.
Yesterday I felt slightly ill and I went to lie down. My subsequent nap was seemingly filled with horrible dreams, and between the dreams I tried my hardest to wake up. It didn't work. I would think, "Okay, I'm sitting up now and opening my eyes," and it wouldn't happen. I would instead go into another dream. It was only after what seemed like hours of this that the noise of lawnmowers outside pulled me through the haze. I blundered awake, stumbled to the bathroom, and tried to figure out what the hell was going on. I felt lost.
Later, Sean and I were discussing the car--it will cost a lot to fix. In truth, he was venting about the car, but I was I guess too vulnerable to be able to let him vent to me, so I was quiet for a long time, and everything he said made me feel unhappy and desperately angry.
A few hours later in the chat, strangely, someone mentioned an in-joke from a couple weeks ago, and I could not stop laughing, literally. I laughed so hard I cried. I felt myself about to go over the edge crying. I managed to stop, but at the same time it felt so good I just wanted to run off to bed and sob until I was too tired to sob anymore.
Yesterday I felt slightly ill and I went to lie down. My subsequent nap was seemingly filled with horrible dreams, and between the dreams I tried my hardest to wake up. It didn't work. I would think, "Okay, I'm sitting up now and opening my eyes," and it wouldn't happen. I would instead go into another dream. It was only after what seemed like hours of this that the noise of lawnmowers outside pulled me through the haze. I blundered awake, stumbled to the bathroom, and tried to figure out what the hell was going on. I felt lost.
Later, Sean and I were discussing the car--it will cost a lot to fix. In truth, he was venting about the car, but I was I guess too vulnerable to be able to let him vent to me, so I was quiet for a long time, and everything he said made me feel unhappy and desperately angry.
A few hours later in the chat, strangely, someone mentioned an in-joke from a couple weeks ago, and I could not stop laughing, literally. I laughed so hard I cried. I felt myself about to go over the edge crying. I managed to stop, but at the same time it felt so good I just wanted to run off to bed and sob until I was too tired to sob anymore.
Monday, September 13, 2004
Bleh
My moods have just been wonky lately.
Right now I just feel like crap, like I don't have a purpose, like I'm more of a burden than an asset to everything I'm a part of. Part of it is my car, and the huge expense it will be to fix it. Part of it is waiting in job limbo, not hearing anything, wondering if they decided they hate me or what. Part of it is the AMRN, which I have quasi-rejoined, but in which I still feel like an outsider. There are new cliques, and I'm left out of them...but if I try to bring in more characters, I don't think it will go right. I feel like things will happen that I will find boring, and then I'll quit posting and get overwhelmed and quit again. So Mindy's all I've got for now, but she doesn't really fit in. I feel like I've basically got nothing, that there was no point in trying to come back at all.
Right now I just feel like crap, like I don't have a purpose, like I'm more of a burden than an asset to everything I'm a part of. Part of it is my car, and the huge expense it will be to fix it. Part of it is waiting in job limbo, not hearing anything, wondering if they decided they hate me or what. Part of it is the AMRN, which I have quasi-rejoined, but in which I still feel like an outsider. There are new cliques, and I'm left out of them...but if I try to bring in more characters, I don't think it will go right. I feel like things will happen that I will find boring, and then I'll quit posting and get overwhelmed and quit again. So Mindy's all I've got for now, but she doesn't really fit in. I feel like I've basically got nothing, that there was no point in trying to come back at all.
Corpse fun
Apparently Californians need a law to keep them from having sex with dead bodies. But they just can't beat Zambians.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment
[Salt Lake City's] airport board recently proposed a change in the part of the aviation code that said small aircraft must maintain an altitude of more than 2,000 feet while flying over Salt Lake City. For years, Santa Claus and his reindeer were granted an exception -- but no more.Maybe they're afraid of terrorists wearing bright red suits...;P
"If you guys are really us...what number are we thinking of right now?"
[12:14:59] <Sabrewolf> Damn it, why do people always laugh at me when they ask me for directions to Sudbury >_<
[12:15:14] <COSLeia> I have no idea what that means
[12:15:37] <gradius> How do you describe it?
[12:16:07] <Sabrewolf> Sudbury's where I was born... all my friends in Toronto have some sort of running gag at my expense where they tell me they're going up there for vacation and ask me which way to go ;_; And I don't understand it!
[12:17:30] <Sabrewolf> Highway 401 to 400, then you have to find Highway 69 and go north >_<
[12:17:34] <gradius> Well, if it helps, I don't understant it either. ^ ^
[12:17:38] <Sabrewolf> Then they break out into fits of giggles and call me a geek
[12:18:00] <COSLeia> highway...69
[12:18:12] <Sabrewolf> Yes! What's so god damn funny about it?!
[12:18:15] <COSLeia> ...
[12:18:16] <COSLeia> wow
[12:18:18] <COSLeia> you don't know?
[12:18:25] <Sabrewolf> No -_-
[12:18:31] <COSLeia> a 69 is a sexual position
[12:18:37] <COSLeia> where both partners give and receive oral sex
[12:18:40] <Sabrewolf> ...oh...
[12:18:43] <gradius> Ah...
[12:18:55] <Sabrewolf> Those bastards
[12:18:56] <COSLeia> lol
[12:19:25] <gradius> Time to think of a different route to Sudbury. ^ ^
[12:19:38] <COSLeia> lol
[12:20:38] <Sabrewolf> They even ask me, "Are you going to be driving on Highway 69 again this weekend?" and I say "Yes" and they don't leave me alone about it >_<
[12:20:46] <Sabrewolf> I'm going to kill them LOL
[12:21:49] <COSLeia> ahahahaha :D
[12:15:14] <COSLeia> I have no idea what that means
[12:15:37] <gradius> How do you describe it?
[12:16:07] <Sabrewolf> Sudbury's where I was born... all my friends in Toronto have some sort of running gag at my expense where they tell me they're going up there for vacation and ask me which way to go ;_; And I don't understand it!
[12:17:30] <Sabrewolf> Highway 401 to 400, then you have to find Highway 69 and go north >_<
[12:17:34] <gradius> Well, if it helps, I don't understant it either. ^ ^
[12:17:38] <Sabrewolf> Then they break out into fits of giggles and call me a geek
[12:18:00] <COSLeia> highway...69
[12:18:12] <Sabrewolf> Yes! What's so god damn funny about it?!
[12:18:15] <COSLeia> ...
[12:18:16] <COSLeia> wow
[12:18:18] <COSLeia> you don't know?
[12:18:25] <Sabrewolf> No -_-
[12:18:31] <COSLeia> a 69 is a sexual position
[12:18:37] <COSLeia> where both partners give and receive oral sex
[12:18:40] <Sabrewolf> ...oh...
[12:18:43] <gradius> Ah...
[12:18:55] <Sabrewolf> Those bastards
[12:18:56] <COSLeia> lol
[12:19:25] <gradius> Time to think of a different route to Sudbury. ^ ^
[12:19:38] <COSLeia> lol
[12:20:38] <Sabrewolf> They even ask me, "Are you going to be driving on Highway 69 again this weekend?" and I say "Yes" and they don't leave me alone about it >_<
[12:20:46] <Sabrewolf> I'm going to kill them LOL
[12:21:49] <COSLeia> ahahahaha :D
Sunday, September 12, 2004
Real-life Yawara!
Schoolgirl uses judo skills to throw perverted postman
I wonder if any sports reporters were coincidentally in the area in time to get a panty shot.
I wonder if any sports reporters were coincidentally in the area in time to get a panty shot.
Chou Kuse ni Narisou
I've been watching the Oppai sub of Chou Kuse ni Narisou--just finished episode 6, and I have 10 more to watch--and I must say, it is teh funnay. It spoofs on both shoujo and martial arts anime. The main character, Nagisa, is a girl who is heir to a failing judo dojo. She gets scouted by some record producers who think she should be an idol singer, and so she goes along with it so she can go to the "city" with them and find some students for the dojo.
However, the idol life is trying, and so she decides to attend junior high school as a boy so she can enjoy a "normal" life. Of course, her school, run by gangs of bullies, is far from your typical anime Japanese school. The teachers command zero respect, and are typically just standing in the classroom talking to themselves. (Why the students even bother to show up is a good question; maybe they do it for laughs. Nagisa and her gang cut school on numerous occasions when they've found something better to do.)
One of the first things to happen was Nagisa proving she could kick everyone else's ass, so while Tsunoda is still technically the "boss" of the gang, Nagisa is the true muscle and will get her way when she wants to. The second thing was Nagisa falling for the leader of a rival school's gang. The love affair was complicated by the fact that he was in love with Nagisa's idol alter-ego...but he figured out rather quickly that boy-Nagisa and idol-Nagisa were one and the same. (None of this dallying for long, torturous episodes!) Now the biggest complications to their love are the disapproval of their fathers--who both run competing dojos--and the bizarre interruptions of a woman called Momoko, who, with her sidekick Kumioka, perform bizarre skits in the middle of an episode for no particular reason. (She claims she is the greatest idol ever, and in keeping with such, stages these performances.)
It was the skit in episode 6 that inspired me to write. As Nagisa's new friend Aoi-chan is about to be attacked by ninja from her old school, Hanazono, she protests, "I'm just a passerby!"
Then, Momoko shows up:
"There is only Death for escapees," she says. "You haven't forgotten that, have you?"
Aoi has enough time to react with a "holy shit, how did you know I was an escapee?" face before Momoko suddenly yells 「そこだ！」 and start hurling shuriken in the opposite direction.
Kamioka appears from behind a cloth he's been using to camoflage himself on a rock wall, and deflects the shuriken with his sword.
"Master," he acknowledges Momoko, crouching to prepare for her attack.
"Kamioka," Momoko responds. "I expected that this day would come."
She begins spinning a bolo over her head. "This is war!" she shouts, and hurls it at Kamioka.
He jumps...
...and is caught.
At this point he yells something that isn't translated. I can't quite make it out, but the last part sounds like no hengen, and when he drops to the ground...
...it's not him anymore. He's used the replacement technique!
Momoko gloats, "I've added another one, Kamioka," which is her standard phrase upon completion of a cool scene. "It's time to begin your lesson." Then, she...
...blows fire at Kamioka's discarded camoflage...
...and he pops out from under it, with his pants on fire.
She then proceeds to chase him around, shooting fire at him and shrieking and laughing about the "lessons".
This anime came out in 1994 (two years after Sailor Moon--I'd spotted a Sailor Moon joke in an earlier episode, and Nagisa's love interest looks a lot like Mamoru, but this is a total digression). So, apparently, these ninja techniques, as seen in Naruto, have been part of the ninja culture for many years. I found this really interesting.
I'm no connoisseur of martial arts anime/TV, but I had suspected that the techniques in Naruto weren't created by Kishimoto Masashi. It's not that he isn't a great writer, but that there is a trend in Japanese entertainment to build on past works, to make references to predecessors, etc. They not only accept that nothing is completely original, but they thrive on the fact that there is such a wealth of knowledge to work with. I believe something similar happens in the west as far as science fiction and fantasy novels go. Certain ideas get used so often that they become staples of the genre. I also believe that the Harry Potter series is so successful partly because the robust world of the books is based on centuries of real history and legend.
In any case, this was a very interesting step on my quest to learn more about Japanese culture.
Chou Kuse ni Narisou is hilarious, and I recommend it to all :)
However, the idol life is trying, and so she decides to attend junior high school as a boy so she can enjoy a "normal" life. Of course, her school, run by gangs of bullies, is far from your typical anime Japanese school. The teachers command zero respect, and are typically just standing in the classroom talking to themselves. (Why the students even bother to show up is a good question; maybe they do it for laughs. Nagisa and her gang cut school on numerous occasions when they've found something better to do.)
One of the first things to happen was Nagisa proving she could kick everyone else's ass, so while Tsunoda is still technically the "boss" of the gang, Nagisa is the true muscle and will get her way when she wants to. The second thing was Nagisa falling for the leader of a rival school's gang. The love affair was complicated by the fact that he was in love with Nagisa's idol alter-ego...but he figured out rather quickly that boy-Nagisa and idol-Nagisa were one and the same. (None of this dallying for long, torturous episodes!) Now the biggest complications to their love are the disapproval of their fathers--who both run competing dojos--and the bizarre interruptions of a woman called Momoko, who, with her sidekick Kumioka, perform bizarre skits in the middle of an episode for no particular reason. (She claims she is the greatest idol ever, and in keeping with such, stages these performances.)
It was the skit in episode 6 that inspired me to write. As Nagisa's new friend Aoi-chan is about to be attacked by ninja from her old school, Hanazono, she protests, "I'm just a passerby!"
Then, Momoko shows up:
"There is only Death for escapees," she says. "You haven't forgotten that, have you?"
Aoi has enough time to react with a "holy shit, how did you know I was an escapee?" face before Momoko suddenly yells 「そこだ！」 and start hurling shuriken in the opposite direction.
Kamioka appears from behind a cloth he's been using to camoflage himself on a rock wall, and deflects the shuriken with his sword.
"Master," he acknowledges Momoko, crouching to prepare for her attack.
"Kamioka," Momoko responds. "I expected that this day would come."
She begins spinning a bolo over her head. "This is war!" she shouts, and hurls it at Kamioka.
He jumps...
...and is caught.
At this point he yells something that isn't translated. I can't quite make it out, but the last part sounds like no hengen, and when he drops to the ground...
...it's not him anymore. He's used the replacement technique!
Momoko gloats, "I've added another one, Kamioka," which is her standard phrase upon completion of a cool scene. "It's time to begin your lesson." Then, she...
...blows fire at Kamioka's discarded camoflage...
...and he pops out from under it, with his pants on fire.
She then proceeds to chase him around, shooting fire at him and shrieking and laughing about the "lessons".
This anime came out in 1994 (two years after Sailor Moon--I'd spotted a Sailor Moon joke in an earlier episode, and Nagisa's love interest looks a lot like Mamoru, but this is a total digression). So, apparently, these ninja techniques, as seen in Naruto, have been part of the ninja culture for many years. I found this really interesting.
I'm no connoisseur of martial arts anime/TV, but I had suspected that the techniques in Naruto weren't created by Kishimoto Masashi. It's not that he isn't a great writer, but that there is a trend in Japanese entertainment to build on past works, to make references to predecessors, etc. They not only accept that nothing is completely original, but they thrive on the fact that there is such a wealth of knowledge to work with. I believe something similar happens in the west as far as science fiction and fantasy novels go. Certain ideas get used so often that they become staples of the genre. I also believe that the Harry Potter series is so successful partly because the robust world of the books is based on centuries of real history and legend.
In any case, this was a very interesting step on my quest to learn more about Japanese culture.
Chou Kuse ni Narisou is hilarious, and I recommend it to all :)
Saturday, September 11, 2004
Don't read this post, Mom
I get these crushes on girls. Girls I find beautiful. They could be fantastic writers, they could be visually appealing to me, they could be witty and clever, they could exude "sexy" no matter what they do...whatever, I get to a point where I fixate on them, where my only wish is to make them laugh, or get their attention, or do something to win their approval. Where my only thought is how wonderful they are and how I would like to touch them, to taste them, to be with them in more than just a teasing flirtatious way. To be important to them.
To have them want me the way I want them.
It is a horrible feeling, ultimately, because though I'm giddy at the outset, giddy with lust and with the excitement of the "chase", I always get to a point where I know there is nothing further for me. They don't really like me or want me; it's just a game. For whatever reason--I'm a married woman, they're only bi-curious, they're just big flirts--they haven't let themselves fall in like I have. I always know this point is coming...but I always plunge in anyway, like I think that this time will somehow be different.
And then when I get there I just feel horrible about myself. It's just like any rejection. I start to think that I'm fat and ugly and not worthy of them anyway. I lecture myself for getting my hopes up. I feel like trash.
It's a fucking cycle of despair, and I hate it.
To have them want me the way I want them.
It is a horrible feeling, ultimately, because though I'm giddy at the outset, giddy with lust and with the excitement of the "chase", I always get to a point where I know there is nothing further for me. They don't really like me or want me; it's just a game. For whatever reason--I'm a married woman, they're only bi-curious, they're just big flirts--they haven't let themselves fall in like I have. I always know this point is coming...but I always plunge in anyway, like I think that this time will somehow be different.
And then when I get there I just feel horrible about myself. It's just like any rejection. I start to think that I'm fat and ugly and not worthy of them anyway. I lecture myself for getting my hopes up. I feel like trash.
It's a fucking cycle of despair, and I hate it.
I pulled one of my extraordinarily long sleeping spells again
At about 5:30 last night, I was getting a headache from looking at the computer screen--it happens. So I decided to go do something else...except that I had no idea what that would be. Reading or watching TV would be pretty much the same as squinting at a monitor, I decided. So I lay down in bed and put this little fragrance bag thing my cousin gave me over my eyes, to force them to close and relax.
It took awhile for me to relax, but I finally did, sometime after Sean came home. I napped for a little while, woke up, put the bag thing on the bedside table, curled up under the covers, and went back to sleep.
I slept until Sean came to bed, and then I slept until I had to go to the bathroom, and then I slept until I had to go to the bathroom again (where, exactly, am I keeping all this urine?), and then I woke up at around 7:30, thought "This would be a good time to get up," and promptly slept again until 9.
So that's like fifteen hours or sleep or something.
It took awhile for me to relax, but I finally did, sometime after Sean came home. I napped for a little while, woke up, put the bag thing on the bedside table, curled up under the covers, and went back to sleep.
I slept until Sean came to bed, and then I slept until I had to go to the bathroom, and then I slept until I had to go to the bathroom again (where, exactly, am I keeping all this urine?), and then I woke up at around 7:30, thought "This would be a good time to get up," and promptly slept again until 9.
So that's like fifteen hours or sleep or something.
Friday, September 10, 2004
Dealing with stress
So, to deal with stress, we have to come to terms with the fact that it is unavoidable, look on it as a challenge, take more control, and make a difference in the world around us.
I can live with that. (I've already decided that there is going to be a golf course named after me, and maybe a few buildings...)
I can live with that. (I've already decided that there is going to be a golf course named after me, and maybe a few buildings...)
Please, stupid people, don't breed
Here is a fabulous example of people who should not have children. I sincerely hope they don't. But, as Tycho said today,
When he [Gabe] told me this pregnancy thing was for real, triumphantly declaring that he "makes boys," I told him precisely what I thought - that any idiot is capable of this feat, and that - in actual point of fact - idiots engage in this kind of thing more than anyone else, which is why it can be so hard to get a decent cappuccino.
Bill Hunt, get out of my head
After all my bitching and moaning about getting these films on DVD over the years... my occasional tantrums and frequent soap box proclamations... am I finally a happy Star Wars fan? You know, I don't even know what the words "happy Star Wars fan" mean anymore. But am I secretly giddy that I finally have these films on DVD? Yeah, I am. I hate myself a little for it, but such is the curse of Star Wars geeks everywhere. No matter how angry and jaded I get, I still get chills when that logo crashes across my screen and that familiar John Williams fanfare blares over my speakers. Yeah, I got a bit of the goosebumps when I found out that Episode III was going to be called Revenge of the Sith. And yeah, I'll go to whatever crap movie the Episode III teaser trailer is attached to just for a couple minutes of eXtreme geek-out time. Don't even try to pretend that a lot of you don't feel the exact same way. We're a pretty pathetic bunch aren't we?Yes, yes we are.
(Apparently "1138" was the code for the Prequel DVDs' Easter eggs too...I didn't know this, as I don't own them. Such is life :>)
Awesome Star Wars DVD Easter egg
Check this out. The code to get the blooper reel is 1138!
This Star Wars nerd couldn't be happier.
...well, I could, if they were releasing the original unedited trilogy...but still! 1138! :D
This Star Wars nerd couldn't be happier.
...well, I could, if they were releasing the original unedited trilogy...but still! 1138! :D
Thursday, September 9, 2004
More on education
Some of the thinkers over on Luke's blog pointed out that specialization is actually crippling in today's world of fluid careers and multiple proficiencies, and that a base holistic education is crucial for adaptability in jobs.
I do not disagree with this. I do believe that the base holistic education should be acquired earlier than college, though. I also think we could learn more about a profession by apprenticing to a mentor in one year than we currently do attending lectures for four. In effect, I want to streamline the educational system, root out the redundancy and inefficiencies, and, while we're at it, toss out the people who aren't actually interested in bettering themselves. I believe that a community-based system of targeted learning would meet these goals.
I do not disagree with this. I do believe that the base holistic education should be acquired earlier than college, though. I also think we could learn more about a profession by apprenticing to a mentor in one year than we currently do attending lectures for four. In effect, I want to streamline the educational system, root out the redundancy and inefficiencies, and, while we're at it, toss out the people who aren't actually interested in bettering themselves. I believe that a community-based system of targeted learning would meet these goals.
Accountability in education
The following was inspired by Luke's recent post about laptops in the classroom, and appears as a comment on his site. I've reproduced it here because I don't think I've gone into my "education theory" at this much length before.
I believe the Roman-style classroom lecture system has been outdated since it was implemented. That is, I don't think it's at all useful, and should be abandoned entirely.
I have been pondering for years the problem of making education systems educational. It is too easy for people to slack off, pass without learning anything, and graduate with the same degree as a person who actually did learn a thing or two. Nobody is watching students individually. Nobody knows them personally. Guidance counselors are as close as we get, and in my experience they have too much on their plate to get to know each student. They may know them all in passing, but they're not keeping tabs. There's no time for that.
We are not guaranteeing, in grammar school, secondary school, or our university system, that anyone is learning anything. And what is happening is that people aren't learning anything.
I truly believe that a big part of the reason is lack of pressure to learn. There is plenty of pressure to get a degree, but there is virtually no pressure to take this knowledge with you into the world. Our society doesn't check up on people enough. In valuing our independence, in staking our claims as "individuals" who are "more than numbers", we actually relegate ourselves to number status, in that we all refuse to be bound by people's expectations. We are uninteresting, no more than our name and SSN on paper. We choose slacking as our expression of independence, and give up that individuality we supposedly crave.
Meanwhile, in other countries, there are rigid systems of education that are successful in using the lecture-style classroom. This is because in those countries, education is not the road to a degree, but the road to a career. The learning doesn't stop after university. University is just there to give them a head start and a foot in the door. And they make good use of it.
The reason the lecture system doesn't work for us, then, is that we have a distinct lack of personal motivation and external guidance. But there is another problem.
Nobody knows what they want to do "when they grow up".
So many of us just get whatever degree we can manage. We hope and pray that somehow the degree will magically lead to a profession we can be happy with. And then we graduate and flounder around lost, because all we knew was the road to the degree.
This, too, is an effect of lack of guidance, I believe.
Children hear "You can do anything you want", but they aren't guided to choose anything. They learn procrastination at home from watching their parents, and put off making a choice about their future. It's a luxury of the United States that our children don't have to go to work in the family business...but this luxury is crippling, because our minds are the most fertile when we're young, and that's when we should be learning the skills we need for our future careers.
What are we learning instead? How to watch TV.
I've established that a lack of guidance and accountability is at the root of our educational problems in this country. The solution is more difficult to see. I would first like to say that I do not advocate a governmental department for micromanaging every person and leading them to their career. I believe that this problem, like most problems, should be solved at the local level.
Community. Community bonds bring forth the greatest accountability. You can't shoot Farmer Jed's dog and then go sit next to him at church. And you can't profit from a community you're a part of without giving back to it somehow.
If there are strong bonds between people, connections that are used to help raise each other up, then people will try their hardest to do their own part--to pay the emotional debt.
How do we apply a sense of community to a college campus, where people come together from all over the world?
The solution I've been thinking of involves organizations that specialize in one type of education, a strong sense of belonging and being known not for what's on paper, but for who you are, and a shift from lectures to discussion sections and, ideally, one-on-one master-apprentice relationships.
Instead of trying to do everything, a school of thought would specialize. It would be located in a city, to ground it in reality. It would be affiliated with some local, non-university entity that actually does work in that field. Students would learn theory and train on the job. The school would also be affiliated with every company in that industry that was interested in affiliating itself with that school, so that additional training could take place via the Internet or by trips out of town, and "networking" within the field could begin early.
General education requirements would be fulfilled at the high school level, or achieved through self-study. We have the Internet. As you said, Luke, use it.
In my ideal situation, a student would have a mentor who worked in the field, and he would learn directly from her. The mentor, and the mentor's colleagues, would know the student, would spend time with him outside of class, and would chart his progress. The student would feel important, and this would motivate him to do better. Upon graduation, the student could start work with the mentor immediately, or go to one of the other affiliate companies.
I haven't quite fleshed out how it would all work...but that's where I am right now. I do believe that if we continue to teach the way we do now, with no true accountability or identity, our nation of dunderheads is going to inspire malice from countries who actually produce thinking minds. In fact, I believe this is already happening. To my mind, bettering ourselves and continuing to learn and grow is our responsibility as citizens. For our privileges of freedom and our very high standard of living, we absolutely must give something back...and yet there are so many who do nothing but feed off the system until they die. This system is critically flawed and will not sustain itself forever.
I believe the Roman-style classroom lecture system has been outdated since it was implemented. That is, I don't think it's at all useful, and should be abandoned entirely.
I have been pondering for years the problem of making education systems educational. It is too easy for people to slack off, pass without learning anything, and graduate with the same degree as a person who actually did learn a thing or two. Nobody is watching students individually. Nobody knows them personally. Guidance counselors are as close as we get, and in my experience they have too much on their plate to get to know each student. They may know them all in passing, but they're not keeping tabs. There's no time for that.
We are not guaranteeing, in grammar school, secondary school, or our university system, that anyone is learning anything. And what is happening is that people aren't learning anything.
I truly believe that a big part of the reason is lack of pressure to learn. There is plenty of pressure to get a degree, but there is virtually no pressure to take this knowledge with you into the world. Our society doesn't check up on people enough. In valuing our independence, in staking our claims as "individuals" who are "more than numbers", we actually relegate ourselves to number status, in that we all refuse to be bound by people's expectations. We are uninteresting, no more than our name and SSN on paper. We choose slacking as our expression of independence, and give up that individuality we supposedly crave.
Meanwhile, in other countries, there are rigid systems of education that are successful in using the lecture-style classroom. This is because in those countries, education is not the road to a degree, but the road to a career. The learning doesn't stop after university. University is just there to give them a head start and a foot in the door. And they make good use of it.
The reason the lecture system doesn't work for us, then, is that we have a distinct lack of personal motivation and external guidance. But there is another problem.
Nobody knows what they want to do "when they grow up".
So many of us just get whatever degree we can manage. We hope and pray that somehow the degree will magically lead to a profession we can be happy with. And then we graduate and flounder around lost, because all we knew was the road to the degree.
This, too, is an effect of lack of guidance, I believe.
Children hear "You can do anything you want", but they aren't guided to choose anything. They learn procrastination at home from watching their parents, and put off making a choice about their future. It's a luxury of the United States that our children don't have to go to work in the family business...but this luxury is crippling, because our minds are the most fertile when we're young, and that's when we should be learning the skills we need for our future careers.
What are we learning instead? How to watch TV.
I've established that a lack of guidance and accountability is at the root of our educational problems in this country. The solution is more difficult to see. I would first like to say that I do not advocate a governmental department for micromanaging every person and leading them to their career. I believe that this problem, like most problems, should be solved at the local level.
Community. Community bonds bring forth the greatest accountability. You can't shoot Farmer Jed's dog and then go sit next to him at church. And you can't profit from a community you're a part of without giving back to it somehow.
If there are strong bonds between people, connections that are used to help raise each other up, then people will try their hardest to do their own part--to pay the emotional debt.
How do we apply a sense of community to a college campus, where people come together from all over the world?
The solution I've been thinking of involves organizations that specialize in one type of education, a strong sense of belonging and being known not for what's on paper, but for who you are, and a shift from lectures to discussion sections and, ideally, one-on-one master-apprentice relationships.
Instead of trying to do everything, a school of thought would specialize. It would be located in a city, to ground it in reality. It would be affiliated with some local, non-university entity that actually does work in that field. Students would learn theory and train on the job. The school would also be affiliated with every company in that industry that was interested in affiliating itself with that school, so that additional training could take place via the Internet or by trips out of town, and "networking" within the field could begin early.
General education requirements would be fulfilled at the high school level, or achieved through self-study. We have the Internet. As you said, Luke, use it.
In my ideal situation, a student would have a mentor who worked in the field, and he would learn directly from her. The mentor, and the mentor's colleagues, would know the student, would spend time with him outside of class, and would chart his progress. The student would feel important, and this would motivate him to do better. Upon graduation, the student could start work with the mentor immediately, or go to one of the other affiliate companies.
I haven't quite fleshed out how it would all work...but that's where I am right now. I do believe that if we continue to teach the way we do now, with no true accountability or identity, our nation of dunderheads is going to inspire malice from countries who actually produce thinking minds. In fact, I believe this is already happening. To my mind, bettering ourselves and continuing to learn and grow is our responsibility as citizens. For our privileges of freedom and our very high standard of living, we absolutely must give something back...and yet there are so many who do nothing but feed off the system until they die. This system is critically flawed and will not sustain itself forever.
Wednesday, September 8, 2004
Things are looking up in Heather Land
I rectified the situation with my phone number, apparently just in time, and I got a call!!!
Also, tonight I made spaghetti sauce from scratch--thanks for the recipe, Jered--and Sean loved it. Me so happy!!!
Hmm. Bipolar? ;>
Also, tonight I made spaghetti sauce from scratch--thanks for the recipe, Jered--and Sean loved it. Me so happy!!!
Hmm. Bipolar? ;>
Heather = stupidhead
>_<
I just discovered that my phone number is wrong on my online resume, and on my local copy. This means that I've sent the wrong number out to all the jobs I've applied to recently.
I wonder if anyone tried to call me?
I feel like such a ditz.
I just discovered that my phone number is wrong on my online resume, and on my local copy. This means that I've sent the wrong number out to all the jobs I've applied to recently.
I wonder if anyone tried to call me?
I feel like such a ditz.
I'm so upset and unhappy right now.
Sean says that I tend to have periods of depression that eventually pass. I guess I'm in one of them now. I hate my job and the thought of going back in tomorrow makes me want to cry. The thought of not being able to find a new job does make me cry. I feel trapped and helpless, like I can't do anything except commit to things I hate in order to have the money to make myself feel better by buying things and eating out.
Every time I try to start something up to better myself, I do really well at first, and then I just taper off until I'm doing nothing again. It was that way with FlyLady, it was that way with my workouts...my house isn't a mess, but it's not exactly stellar, and I have to force myself to even empty the dishwasher. Meanwhile, my stomach keeps growing and growing and growing. All clothes are uncomfortable. I keep thinking that I could be pregnant, which is impossible, and thinking about it being impossible makes me more unhappy. Even if I somehow did manage to be pregnant, we couldn't afford to have a baby. We spend every bit of our paychecks and we have no savings.
But since it's impossible for me to actually be pregnant, now I'm thinking that I must be having a false pregnancy, wherein my body, acting on cues from my subconscious which thinks about having a baby all the time, decides that, well, maybe there is a baby in there, and responds accordingly.
Mari says that stress causes weight gain in the stomach, so that could be it, too :P
Either way, I'm tired of it, tired tired tired tired tired. I want to scream, and I want to go to bed forever. I also want to kick my boss in the face.
Every time I try to start something up to better myself, I do really well at first, and then I just taper off until I'm doing nothing again. It was that way with FlyLady, it was that way with my workouts...my house isn't a mess, but it's not exactly stellar, and I have to force myself to even empty the dishwasher. Meanwhile, my stomach keeps growing and growing and growing. All clothes are uncomfortable. I keep thinking that I could be pregnant, which is impossible, and thinking about it being impossible makes me more unhappy. Even if I somehow did manage to be pregnant, we couldn't afford to have a baby. We spend every bit of our paychecks and we have no savings.
But since it's impossible for me to actually be pregnant, now I'm thinking that I must be having a false pregnancy, wherein my body, acting on cues from my subconscious which thinks about having a baby all the time, decides that, well, maybe there is a baby in there, and responds accordingly.
Mari says that stress causes weight gain in the stomach, so that could be it, too :P
Either way, I'm tired of it, tired tired tired tired tired. I want to scream, and I want to go to bed forever. I also want to kick my boss in the face.
Tuesday, September 7, 2004
Modified the right-hand sections a little
Do you like them? *Heather's blog template poses prettily*
It's not much, but I was tired of the way the menus looked. I discovered that I could alter the appearance of the Bloglines blogroll using CSS, and I did so. That led to minor adjustments of the other menus, to make everything match.
At some point I want to stick a list of all the webcomics I read over there, but that can wait. (I wonder if there's an easy way to export from one's IE Favorites?)
It's not much, but I was tired of the way the menus looked. I discovered that I could alter the appearance of the Bloglines blogroll using CSS, and I did so. That led to minor adjustments of the other menus, to make everything match.
At some point I want to stick a list of all the webcomics I read over there, but that can wait. (I wonder if there's an easy way to export from one's IE Favorites?)
Sunday, September 5, 2004
Holy crap--AP publishes bald-faced lie
I've come to expect spin, but this is absolutely inexcusable for an "unbiased" news organization. I had, up until now, assumed that the AP was pretty good at keeping out bias--but then, I'm pretty good at picking out and then ignoring bias whenever I read anything, so I may have ignored quite a bit and not remembered it.
In any case, bias is one thing...an unavoidable thing, it seems. Lying outright, however, is obviously not unavoidable, and it certainly isn't understandable.
What is really damning about this is the fact that they edited the article without apparently writing a retraction, or mentioning the edit at all. Their lie was public just long enough to be picked up by a dozen other news sources, and now it's probably filtering down into the public consciousness. A retraction at a later point will do no good. It feels like a carefully-crafted step in a smear campaign. If they could have gotten away with the fallacy, great; otherwise, they can just leave it out there long enough to sow suspicion, and hold off on a retraction, because as we all know no one reads retractions anyway.
Here's one interesting thing...if you look at the article as it appears on AP's website, you'll see the list of related articles below it. Check out these two names.
Also, check out the prepositions. Bush seems to be offering wishes "for" Clinton--that is, not directly to him, just in general. But Kerry is sending his best wishes right "to" Clinton. Why the difference in wording, when the two men did the exact same thing (offered "best wishes" during a campaign rally)?
Do people who don't study language and writing notice things like this?
In any case, bias is one thing...an unavoidable thing, it seems. Lying outright, however, is obviously not unavoidable, and it certainly isn't understandable.
What is really damning about this is the fact that they edited the article without apparently writing a retraction, or mentioning the edit at all. Their lie was public just long enough to be picked up by a dozen other news sources, and now it's probably filtering down into the public consciousness. A retraction at a later point will do no good. It feels like a carefully-crafted step in a smear campaign. If they could have gotten away with the fallacy, great; otherwise, they can just leave it out there long enough to sow suspicion, and hold off on a retraction, because as we all know no one reads retractions anyway.
Here's one interesting thing...if you look at the article as it appears on AP's website, you'll see the list of related articles below it. Check out these two names.
Bush Offers Best Wishes for ClintonIf you just saw the first title by itself, you wouldn't necessarily realize that Clinton was in for bypass surgery, would you? Or that anything in particular was wrong. You'd just think that Bush was sending some kind of "wishes" to his predecessor. But if you see the Kerry title, you immediately know that Kerry is being big-hearted and sending best wishes to a sick friend. The lack of the word "ailing" in the Bush title takes away a sense of importance, while its presence in the Kerry title adds importance.
Kerry Offers Best Wishes to Ailing Clinton
Also, check out the prepositions. Bush seems to be offering wishes "for" Clinton--that is, not directly to him, just in general. But Kerry is sending his best wishes right "to" Clinton. Why the difference in wording, when the two men did the exact same thing (offered "best wishes" during a campaign rally)?
Do people who don't study language and writing notice things like this?
Saturday, September 4, 2004
I want to write something.
Sometimes I just get in the mood to write a story of some sort. I'm in that mood right now. I don't really know what to write, though, and I'd prefer to write something with someone else, like the group posts of old.
I guess I'll poll my friends and see who wants to do something.
Then there's the question of what exactly we'll do...
I guess I'll poll my friends and see who wants to do something.
Then there's the question of what exactly we'll do...
A new (to me) blog; plus, criticism and journalism
You may have noticed the new blog in my blogroll. I'm not reading Luke's stuff because I necessarily agree with him, although I do find myself doing so at times, but because he's thoughtful and damn good at expressing himself. (I also love his use of italics and bold face, for some reason.)
He recently wrote about the folly of pretending to be unbiased, and I truly enjoyed his thoughts.
An interesting guy with interesting thoughts. Read him.
He recently wrote about the folly of pretending to be unbiased, and I truly enjoyed his thoughts.
It's now obvious in my own life that critical objectivity is impossible. I can't review something solely on its merits, there are millions of arbitrary, personal-preference type filtering media that any piece of literature or film or art have to pass through before lodging somewhere in my love/hate cortex. This explains many things that had long been mysteries to me.I've touched on the problems with journalism--specifically, that its "objectivity" loses credibility due to advertising. Luke, however, goes in a completely different direction: he states that pretended objectivity itself is the culprit. While his article was mostly targeted towards criticism, he includes an interesting aside:
Why Roger Ebert liked Benji: Off the Leash, for example.
America is the only nation I can think of where journalists are expected to be objective. This is silly and ultimately dangerous. [...] Impartiality and journalism are so often placed in tandem that they've become synonymous with each other. "The narrator's style is so passive it's almost journalistic"--meaning unbiased, without commentary. The truth. This is patently untrue in most cases.I had a lot of fun with the latter part of Luke's piece, which presents a LiveJournal-esque version of Ebert's review of Benji: Off the Leash. I giggled.
An interesting guy with interesting thoughts. Read him.
Friday, September 3, 2004
Picking a President
I originally posted this as a comment on my friend Ed's blog, but I figured I'd immortalize it here.
Kerry is a fantastic speaker. I watched one of his speeches on television, and kept finding myself nodding and thinking, "Wow, this is great!"
It was only later, after it was over, that I started thinking about what he actually said. And the truth was--to me, at least--that what he was saying made no sense.
It was all idealism, untested, hypothetical situations about how he would make America better for minorities. A lot of it, on later reckoning, didn't compute at all.
It was just that he spoke so well.
George Bush can't speak to save his life. He's better in one-on-one situations, where he can be casual and random, but even then he slips up. A lot of what he says is rhetoric, too, black and white rhetoric about how we must stop the enemy. He took this rhetoric way too far when he went after gay marriage.
I have never thought, "Yay, Bush!" I have thought it was better to have Bush in there than Gore. And I think it will be better to have Bush in there than Kerry, too.
The truth is that I haven't been excited about a candidate since the 1996 Republican preliminaries, when Alan Keyes caught my attention. (I don't even know if I agree with him now, but back then I thought he was amazing. Steadfast, opinionated, and a fabulous orator.)
But I do think that Bush has a proven track record of not backing down, even when it looks like he's wrong...and Kerry has a proven track record of backing off or completely changing his mind based on any scrutiny, from within or from without. That is a dangerous characteristic for a President. Do we really want someone in office who can be so easily swayed?
Those are my opinions. I suggest ignoring the protestors, heck, ignore all the members of the political parties except the candidates. Listen to what they have to say and think about what they stand for and how they've behaved in the past.
Then pick the lesser of two evils.
Kerry is a fantastic speaker. I watched one of his speeches on television, and kept finding myself nodding and thinking, "Wow, this is great!"
It was only later, after it was over, that I started thinking about what he actually said. And the truth was--to me, at least--that what he was saying made no sense.
It was all idealism, untested, hypothetical situations about how he would make America better for minorities. A lot of it, on later reckoning, didn't compute at all.
It was just that he spoke so well.
George Bush can't speak to save his life. He's better in one-on-one situations, where he can be casual and random, but even then he slips up. A lot of what he says is rhetoric, too, black and white rhetoric about how we must stop the enemy. He took this rhetoric way too far when he went after gay marriage.
I have never thought, "Yay, Bush!" I have thought it was better to have Bush in there than Gore. And I think it will be better to have Bush in there than Kerry, too.
The truth is that I haven't been excited about a candidate since the 1996 Republican preliminaries, when Alan Keyes caught my attention. (I don't even know if I agree with him now, but back then I thought he was amazing. Steadfast, opinionated, and a fabulous orator.)
But I do think that Bush has a proven track record of not backing down, even when it looks like he's wrong...and Kerry has a proven track record of backing off or completely changing his mind based on any scrutiny, from within or from without. That is a dangerous characteristic for a President. Do we really want someone in office who can be so easily swayed?
Those are my opinions. I suggest ignoring the protestors, heck, ignore all the members of the political parties except the candidates. Listen to what they have to say and think about what they stand for and how they've behaved in the past.
Then pick the lesser of two evils.
Thursday, September 2, 2004
BSSM 46
I discovered that I'd mislabeled a post about BSSM 44 as BSSM 47. So I fixed it.
That sentence is there as filler in case you scanned through but didn't really want to read the spoilers. I'm probably going to stop doing spoiler warnings, though.
This episode was fantastic. I burst into tears--twice!
Makoto--who was alive, by the way--finally had her moment of revelation. Minako, ironically, was the one to lead her there, but Makoto didn't quite get it until she found Motoki sprawled on the street, life-force drained almost to nothing by Metallia's strange youma. "My powers awakened...not because I was alone, but because I wasn't alone." And she clutched his hand as I sobbed into mine.
Artemis cried at Minako, "Live! I want you to live!"
And finally...as she realized that she did want to live, and not just as Venus but as Aino Minako...she transformed, glowing, bright gold, her powers complete. I bawled.
So many other great things, though the above are the best.
Mamoru slumped to the ground, as his picture appeared fully in the painting--marking his death?--and Jadeite looked on, his dispassionate mask finally crumbling.
Luna told Usagi everyone's decision to fight without her...but then she came, at the end, when they finally knew that they couldn't fight without her...and together they decimated the youma.
The Princess' power was harnessed, not to feed the youma, but to send life-force back to its victims. (With the youma gone, is Metallia's connection to the Princess completely severed?)
And finally...the Sailor Team, minus Usagi, strode confidently together down a cobbled stone street, and Ami paused, looked back, and said, "Usagi-chan..." A team, yes, but not quite complete.
It was beautiful. It was all so beautiful.
That sentence is there as filler in case you scanned through but didn't really want to read the spoilers. I'm probably going to stop doing spoiler warnings, though.
This episode was fantastic. I burst into tears--twice!
Makoto--who was alive, by the way--finally had her moment of revelation. Minako, ironically, was the one to lead her there, but Makoto didn't quite get it until she found Motoki sprawled on the street, life-force drained almost to nothing by Metallia's strange youma. "My powers awakened...not because I was alone, but because I wasn't alone." And she clutched his hand as I sobbed into mine.
Artemis cried at Minako, "Live! I want you to live!"
And finally...as she realized that she did want to live, and not just as Venus but as Aino Minako...she transformed, glowing, bright gold, her powers complete. I bawled.
So many other great things, though the above are the best.
Mamoru slumped to the ground, as his picture appeared fully in the painting--marking his death?--and Jadeite looked on, his dispassionate mask finally crumbling.
Luna told Usagi everyone's decision to fight without her...but then she came, at the end, when they finally knew that they couldn't fight without her...and together they decimated the youma.
The Princess' power was harnessed, not to feed the youma, but to send life-force back to its victims. (With the youma gone, is Metallia's connection to the Princess completely severed?)
And finally...the Sailor Team, minus Usagi, strode confidently together down a cobbled stone street, and Ami paused, looked back, and said, "Usagi-chan..." A team, yes, but not quite complete.
It was beautiful. It was all so beautiful.
Wednesday, September 1, 2004
Dreams
I had a weird dream last night, and I meant to write it down earlier, but I didn't have time. (Then I forgot.) So here it is.
Sean and I were in downtown Lexington, Kentucky. Except it was a little different. All the buildings had the rule that you had to take your shoes off while inside--much like Japan, but there weren't any slippers to wear. It was also the middle of winter, and there was snow and ice all over. I was downtown for some reason I can't remember, though I think it probably had something to do with finding a new job, because I felt really guilty about being late for work. As I was wandering around, I lost track of Sean, and so I kept running from building to building, barefoot in the snow. It was sort of exhilirating, and definitely cold :> Finally I found him again and we were able to leave.
All I can think now is that Sean would really be annoyed by having to take his shoes off all the time.
Sean and I were in downtown Lexington, Kentucky. Except it was a little different. All the buildings had the rule that you had to take your shoes off while inside--much like Japan, but there weren't any slippers to wear. It was also the middle of winter, and there was snow and ice all over. I was downtown for some reason I can't remember, though I think it probably had something to do with finding a new job, because I felt really guilty about being late for work. As I was wandering around, I lost track of Sean, and so I kept running from building to building, barefoot in the snow. It was sort of exhilirating, and definitely cold :> Finally I found him again and we were able to leave.
All I can think now is that Sean would really be annoyed by having to take his shoes off all the time.
Duck Guardian is so hard!
1 lap around complex (walking)
Stairclimber: 8 min
Crunches: 50
Lats (each side): 30
Obliques (each side): 30
Back raises: 20
Wuss pushups: 10
Outside inner thigh (each side): 30
Inside inner thigh (each side): 30
Side leg lifts (each side): 30
Scissor kicks: 20
Glutes (each side): 30
Calf raises: 30
I also did some nice stretching. After that and a hot shower, I'm feeling pretty good. Eating some Lucky Charms at the moment; I had a vitamin and a calcium tablet before my workout.
Some bad news: I'm going to put off getting my bike, and we're also going to put off getting a needed bookshelf, so that we can go to AWA. We're both tired of not going to AWA. However, it's disappointing that we won't have much money to spend in the dealer room. :(
Randomness:
Stairclimber: 8 min
Crunches: 50
Lats (each side): 30
Obliques (each side): 30
Back raises: 20
Wuss pushups: 10
Outside inner thigh (each side): 30
Inside inner thigh (each side): 30
Side leg lifts (each side): 30
Scissor kicks: 20
Glutes (each side): 30
Calf raises: 30
I also did some nice stretching. After that and a hot shower, I'm feeling pretty good. Eating some Lucky Charms at the moment; I had a vitamin and a calcium tablet before my workout.
Some bad news: I'm going to put off getting my bike, and we're also going to put off getting a needed bookshelf, so that we can go to AWA. We're both tired of not going to AWA. However, it's disappointing that we won't have much money to spend in the dealer room. :(
Randomness:
[06:27:18] * Now talking in #amrn
[06:27:18] * Topic is '<Z_Archer> Duck Guardian is so hard! <Foss> Does that mean 'Take off your pants'? <COSLeia> AND I'LL FORM THE HEAD'
[06:27:18] * Set by COSLeia on Tue Aug 31 18:18:13
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