I feel guilt for practically everything in my life. What I do, what I don't do, things that happen to me that I can't control but somehow feel that I should have predicted and prepared for. My guilt is a large part of the reason I gave up on religion--I didn't need another reason to feel guilty.
I could be so much more, I think. I could be helping people. I could be learning new things. I could be making more money. I could master piano, drawing, writing.
I should have prepared for the fire, I think. I should have put important things in a safe place. I shouldn't have borrowed things from friends, and I shouldn't have been so selfish as to take heirloom furniture with me to Georgia.
I'm lazy and disorganized, I think, and I hate myself for it. Everyone else is doing so much more than me. I can't accomplish anything. But I should be. With my talents, I should be doing something. So why aren't I?
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Whoa, whoa, whoa... Hold it right there, spinach-chin.
(note: Spinach-chin is merely a 3 stooges reference. Ironside does not believe your chin to made of spinach, or have any relation to said leafy vegetable. Nor does its use imply any similarity, express or implied, between yourself and a stooge)
Guilt for so much after so long just wrong. I don't mean to suggest that you shouldn't feel it. No one can tell you what to feel. In fact it is perfectly natural.
It's also completely unreasonable. I speak from experience.(I can't say I do any better than you are now, so do as I say not as I do). THis guilt is not a sign that you are a kind of failure, but a sign of dicontent. You desire change, or the feeling of progress or some other sign that your life is getting better.
Not seeing those things tends to turn those feelings morbid, and we humans love to have someone to blame. In this case you blame yourself, but that's not fair.
Perhaps you are the cause of you problem, perhaps your aren't. I don't really know, but judging from the range of issues and your self-blame for someone else's careless actions (you are not responsible for the fire or for the things destroyed therein. Life implies a certain amount of risk and those of us who live in apartments are at the mercy of our neighbors. THE only way to be safe is to own nothing of any value. One cannot make a case that having things of value is irrational or irresponsible.) I suspect that you aren't nearly the root of your dissatisfactions. I suspect the issue is far more complex.
I am not a shrink, and I'm not at a place where we can talk (damn the internet), but as your friend...you need to talk to someone. Carrying this kind of weight is damaging, and it cuts down the energy you need to make the changes you may not know you want.
If you need to, call me. If I can't talk then, I'll let you know when I can. I think you really ought to talk to someone about who you think you are, as opposed to who they think you are. Self assessment is usually not accurate in the least.
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