The game

That's how we used to refer to it, anyway. "What's going on in the game?" "Have you checked the game?"

The game was, of course, the AMRN.

Right now a few people with more patience than I are discussing the game, trying to think of ways to revitalize it. The glory days may be unattainable, but it doesn't hurt to set them as a goal, does it?

All their talk has reminded me of the fun I used to have there.

Sometimes I miss that DIRE Wolves game I ran on Tir-na-nOg. It was funny, I named an NPC "Yowai Kaze" (weak/gentle wind) and had a character on the Etrakis with Ventdoux for a callsign (although I think it's actually supposed to be Ventoux...so much for my French).

It wasn't a coincidence, really. Sean named Julien "Ventdoux" after asking me for a translation of "gentle wind". And when I went on to become an Eagle/Arcadia Q-GM, that was the best I could think of for the outcast who talked big but ultimately couldn't hack it and was ostracized from his village. (Which explains, for anyone curious, why he preferred to be called Kahzay. "Wind" is much better by itself.)

I really enjoyed my CO NPC, too...he was no-nonsense, gruff, by-the-book, and a little sad. And of course, he died. Originally he was going to get shot in the face, and I'd planned that for so long that afterwards I sometimes forgot that I hadn't done it. But the way it turned out, he had a heart attack when he discovered he'd been used, and the players didn't give the backstabbers time to do him in quickly.

The Sailor Moon game really shook my confidence in my ability to GM a game, and the latter days of my command of GP4 put the final nails in the coffin. I use too many NPCs, I guide the game too much, and ultimately I can't be objective. GMing my future husband was a mistake that has made me afraid to work with Sean on anything, other than our marriage.

I miss the more innocent days, back before I had so much power. Back when I was just a player. Now that I know what I'm capable of and all the things I don't know, I can't imagine myself playing ever again. And even though it's been ages since I left, I'm still too bone-weary to even attempt to learn the things I would need to learn.

Sean said today that he's been thinking about going back to the game and seeing if he can't get something going.

"Good," I said. "I won't play, but you should. I think you'd enjoy it."