Aftermath

Yesterday, Mari, Kelly, Chris and I kidnapped Brooke and took her to Atlanta for her birthday. We ate dinner and played all sorts of games at Dave & Buster's. It was pretty fun, although I'm not sure the expense (meal + game card + gas) would make it worthwhile to go again anytime soon.

While we were sitting at the table for dinner, our waitress took a picture of all of us together. I didn't look at it until after I got home, when I uploaded pictures to Box of Bunnies.

It was sort of a wake-up call to me. I already knew my weight, from the gynecologist visit, but I had never quite realized what all that weight was doing to my figure. In the mirror, I only see my torso, which is an okay shape from the front (and I can just ignore the side view). This picture, though, was a side view of me sitting down. It is so horrible that I'm not going to show anyone, but think about how Jabba looked in Jedi and you'll have a pretty good idea ;P It's like I'm a lump of pudding, or a shapeless pile of lard. It's disgusting. I couldn't even believe it was me at first. Then I was so upset and frustrated that I resolved to keep the picture and look at it often so I would never forget just how far I've let my body go to hell.

Obviously, something needs to be done. I really don't have the time to start a diet, mess up, overeat, and start the cycle again. I'm at the point where I need to stick to a lifestyle change. I want to be able to have a child, and while it looks like I have a chance, I don't want to shoot myself in the foot by being too unhealthy to carry it. I also don't want to be the kind of mother who is "too tired" to play with her kids. The time to get myself active and healthy is now.

I'm always scared when I commit to doing something positive for myself, because I've never really succeeded before. I'm always afraid I'll let myself down. But that picture--ugh! I'm horrified even thinking about what I look like now. And I'm doing good; I've been biking and bellydancing (although this past week I haven't done either :/). I need to keep up the exercise, add a little more, add some weight training, and start eating better.

Since I got the job, I haven't been cooking dinner as much as I used to. I've also been eating out for breakfast and lunch quite a bit. This has done horrible things for my health as well as our bank account. Stopping this behavior will really help. I have been successful in cutting caffeine out of my diet--no more Mountain Dew for me!--so I believe I can do this. I just need to keep up my willpower. I stopped caffeine because of the horrible headaches I was getting. Surely back pain, sore feet, dwindling funds and an expanding waistline are good enough reasons to alter my eating habits.

For now, I've bought a bunch of Slim Fast shakes and shake mix. I'm going to try doing two shakes and a meal for my daily food intake. We'll see how that works out.

I'm going to keep going biking with my friends as much as possible, and bellydancing too, but I can't just rely on that anymore. I have to add more activity, especially during the weeks (like last week) that we don't meet due to the weather. My apartment complex has a workout room that I can go to in the mornings and after work, and there's a swimming pool too. I'm also thinking I'd like to buy some roller skates and take some passes around the complex every day, since that would be more fun than walking.

The hardest thing will be scheduling all this activity and also scheduling making Sean's lunch for him and making dinners for both of us. I'm accustomed to a lot of idle time--in the past I spent it online, and more recently I've been spending it with my nose in a book. But that time is going to shrink, at least a little.

It's worth it, though; I have to do this. I may even take the scariest step of all...and finally buy myself a scale.