Kentuckyscapes

It's not hard to find examples of why I love my home state.  Today, Ben, Manda and I went for a drive south of Nicholasville.  We were searching for an ice cream parlor that Ben and I went to several years ago.  Passing through Shaker Village, Harrodsburg, Lancaster, Burgin, and Danville, we never did find it, but I got some nice pictures.

      

Ruminations

I'm going to redo my journal, I think...break it up into a few different blogs, each accessible from its own area on pixelscribbles.com.  I may even password-protect one of them and leave it just for myself, so I can rant and rave and post it the way I'm used to posting diary entries without the danger of Too Much Information.  (I like the Blogger interface, and I don't really care to keep a separate, local diary.  I don't think breaking it up into different 'blogs' would be as annoying as having to deal with local files versus files on my webserver.)

I think that splitting things off would inspire me to be more careful about how I write.  For example, the post I'm writing now could go in a "site news" area; my long love letter to Fujiwara no Sai could go in an "anime" or "Japan" section; my daily workouts could go in a "health/lifestyle" area, and then I could have one or more blogs just for discussing my thoughts on things.  I think this might inspire me to take more time in crafting...what I do now is little more than a quick ramble and a tapping of the "Publish Post" button.  I would like my posts to be well-written rather than rushed and conversational (Goei showed me recently how beautiful a journal entry can be; when he visited my journal to return my compliment, I was embarrassed that there was nothing of note for him to see).

One danger of splitting things up would be creating too much fragmentation...then maybe one section would get the most posts, or each section would be updated but only once a month or two, etc.  Because of that, I'm going to limit the number of split-off blogs by coming up with very general categories.  A "Japanese Media" category can cover my discussions of anime, manga, j-drama, Japanese music, and more--or I could simply have a "Japan" area, or even a "Southeast Asia" category.  As you can see, I'm not quite sure yet how I want to break it down.

I have been thinking that I would like to create Blogger blogs for all my original site sections, too...get my poetry and short stories up in post form (not that there is much to see in that regard, but it would give me impetus to add to the library).  I could also create one or more photoblogs, which would link to full images in my smugmug account.

The possibilities are pretty endless, but there are problems with this scheme too.  I can't have subcategories, for one thing.  I was thinking that I could use meta tags of some sort to assign categories with HTML, and that is a possibility.  But that kind of leads into the biggest problem...how to present the blogs.

I was thinking it would be nice to have a main page (probably the root of pixelscribbles.com) where a user could define which blogs they wanted to have show up.  The posts would then all load in reverse chronological order (last post first, like a normal blog), all together and easy to read, with the title, date/time, and which blog they were posted to (e.g., "Sai~~~~ (spoilers, if you haven't seen/read all of HnG) posted at 7:47 PM in Anime", or whatever, where the 7:47 PM would link to the post, and the word Anime would link to the blog about Anime).

However, I don't think this is possible with Blogger...or if it is, I have no idea how.

Blogger does have a tutorial on how to include multiple blogs on one page using includes.  As far as I can tell, though, each blog would load in a separate part of the page.  So I could have one blog on the left hand side and one blog on the right; they wouldn't be all together.

The only way I can think of to get all the blogs together would be for Blogger to publish each post twice: once in its standard blog and once in the main blog.  But that wouldn't allow users to pick which blogs they wanted to see on the main page (and plus, Blogger can't do that anyway--I would have to publish each post to two different places manually).

It occurs to me that maybe, with some crazy coding sk1llz, it might be possible to use includes to pull all the blog content in, and then use Javascript or something to hide the blogs that the user didn't want to see.  However, loading it all at once would bog down the server and be cumbersome for the end user, and it seems like a messy solution.  Maybe PHP can do it server-side so the user never sees anything but the output, but even then it might take a moment to pull in all the posts, order them correctly, remove the blogs the user doesn't want to see, and then generate a page.  Plus, I don't know how to code all that :>

Blogger could solve this problem for me if it had user-definable categories and subcategories for posts.  I wouldn't even have to make separate blogs, if that were the case.

I feel like an answer must exist already, though.  Does anyone have any ideas?

Home again

My flights yesterday were all right.  I got up on time, got ready, and caught a ride with my coworker's husband to the airport.  Augusta Regional Airport is very, very small.  I was thinking it would be comparable to Bluegrass Field, but...it's not.  You go in one room and there are some places to check in, and then you go down a hall and through security, and then you end up going outside(!) to get to the gates, which are all in a row in the back.  (I think the outside area is more of a courtyard, but it was still weird.)

Atlanta was Atlanta.  I was sent to the wrong gate by the helpful woman giving directions as I deplaned, ran back to the proper gate, and was apparently too late to board.  I went back to the other gate to wait an hour for that flight, and discovered that the computer thought I was on the flight I was supposed to be on.  That was a little odd.  But they straightened it out and I got on the next flight just fine.  I sat in seat 1C, and there wasn't room for my duffel so it had to be stowed, and I had to stow my laptop bag too because there was no seat in front of me to shove it under.

Our flight attendant, Penny, was a hoot.  She said things like "The FAA says we can't have baggage sticking out from under the chairs, and the FAA is the law, so I'm going to check everyone's seats" and "I've already checked everyone's seatbelts, but the FAA requires that I demonstrate it for you anyway...now I can keep my job!"  And at the end of the flight, when she was debriefing us on flight procedures, apparently someone in the back stood up, because she cut off her droning-yet-pleasant speech to shout, "SIR, SIT DOWN!"  That's not exaggeration; she really did shout.  I about cracked up laughing.

The other great thing about the ATL to LEX flight was the fact that they served...cran-apple juice!  (Brooke knows what I'm talking about...)

I got to AGS at around 6:20.  The flight was delayed until 7:40 or so, and I reached ATL at 8:30.  I missed the 9:08 flight due both to the woman giving directions and to the time it took to get from Concourse D to Concourse C.  I got on the 10:20 flight, meaning I finally got to LEX at 11:30.  Five hours isn't bad; it's three hours less than it would have taken to drive.  And since I used a buddy pass, I only paid $54, which is about 50% less than gas and food.  All in all, it's a great deal, even given the waiting.  (I read Getting Things Done during the between-times...and you can't read a book while you're driving!)

I'm hoping quietly that my coworker will be generous again and offer me buddy passes next year, so that Sean and I can use them to get to Japan for cheap.  In the meantime, I think I can score one more for this year, to give to Dawn while she's here in the States in September.  That would mean she could fly from New York to Atlanta instead of having to take the train.  We'll see :)

I would probably fly a lot more if it was cheaper.  I'd love to take a hop, skip and jump around the country, to see friends and new places.  But actual plane fares are so expensive :X  It'd be nice if we could get those costs down, and if we also had a good passenger rail system set up between cities.  One like they have in Japan, that practically never has problems and is always on time :)  Oh well, man can always dream.

When I got home, Dad made me a "Vidalia Onion Burger".  It was really, and I mean really, good.  I'm going to have to buy some to make for Sean.  Then I went over to AJ and Faye's to see them and Connor and Logan.  Logan is growing up so fast.

AJ said that I shouldn't feel bad if Logan was shy, because he is shy with everyone.  I started to play with Logan and tickle his feet while he was in his high chair, and Logan loved it.  AJ shook his head and said, "Okay, never mind about that shy thing!"  I know it's silly, but it really made me feel good that Logan reacted that way.  I don't have the relationship I would like to have with him, but knowing that he is open to it is really nice.

Meanwhile, Connor is still my buddy :)  He showed me his room--now sans the huge cardboard castle, meaning there is actually room to play--and his new toys.  Then we played with some plastic things that stick together, and Logan played too (mainly grabbing whatever I was making and tearing it apart ;D).  I took some pictures, which I'll post somewhere at some point, maybe :>  Then we all went back to Mom and Dad's, because Aunt Evelyn and crew were heading over.

It turned out to be Evelyn, Walter, Bertha (Walter's mother), and two of the grandkids, Aaron and Sarah.  Sarah is seven months older than Connor, but she's actually smaller than he is.  Aaron is something like thirteen.  The last time I saw him, he was like...four!  (His older stepbrother, Philip, I remember being around 12 or 13...and he just graduated from high school, and is now learning about detailing cars :>)

We all visited for awhile in the living room, then went out back, where Connor drove Sarah around in his little green car (he's really good at driving it!) and then let her take a turn driving.  Meanwhile, the rest of us sat under the canopy and chatted.  At some point, Dad and Philip and Walter went to play pool.  Ben and Dan and Boone showed up for band practice, and we all went inside for a bit.  Then, finally they had to leave to visit someone else.

It was nice to see them all again :)  Evelyn told me to say hello to Sean for her, because "he's a nice boy".  ;>  Sean and Ben and I visited them in Austin once, back when Sarah was 13 months old (she was so tiny!).  Sarah is really grown up now--she's five, and she speaks like an adult!  I was really impressed.

After the visit we ordered pizza for dinner and then I watched a bunch of Angel, Buffy, and Charmed with Mom.  It was nice to do that again.  I like being able to share that with her.  I remember when I was younger, she always got on me for watching too much TV, and now it's totally the other way around ;>

Today I got up at 10:30 and took a shower, and then Connor came over, so he and Mom and I have been doing various things.  Now they're taking a nap, and the boys are having band practice, and Dad is either watching TV or doing something in the workshop (he's so quiet, I can never be sure, but he's usually in one of those two places), so I've had some time to myself.  Being around Connor is sort of exhausting to me, because I'm not used to being around kids.  :>

I'm glad to be home.  I seem to have forgotten to bring a network cable, though, so I'm using the engraving laptop that AJ usually uses at work right now.  I won't be able to use it tomorrow during business hours, so I'm not sure what I'm going to do about Internet access...I may have to set up a card table in the back room and use the cord back there.  We'll see.

They painted this office the last time I was here, and it still looks good.  It had turned horribly tan/yellow from all the cigarette smoking.  AJ has quit smoking--he stopped on his birthday (which was five days ago, so we'll see).  I'm not sure if Ben quit too, but I know Dad hasn't.  It would be nice if they were all able to quit for good...

That's pretty much it.  Before I sign off, I wanted to mention that I love flying.  The thrill of taking off and landing hasn't dulled for me yet.  It is just so...awesome.  It's amazing that we can force huge metal devices filled with people to soar off the ground.  I love it.

Itinerary

It occurs to me that in the rush of preparation, I may not have actually informed everyone of what I'm up to.

Tomorrow I'm flying to Lexington, Kentucky to spend a week with my family.

On August 4, Sean and I are flying to Boston for a convention and to meet up with some online people.  I plan to check out Harvard and MIT while we're there, if at all possible.  I also heard rumors about going to the beach, but the chances of that are slim considering that Sean hates the beach ;>

After that I'll be home for awhile until we go to AWA in September.

So, there you have it :)

How to be happy

I may have linked to this MSN article before, but I think it's really interesting.  To an extent, you can choose to be happy.  That's something that I feel like I know instinctively, but I didn't know it when I was younger--especially when I was a depressive teenager.  I think it's something that everyone has to learn.

The steps to getting to happiness are: 1) nurture your relationships; 2) exercise; 3) be more extroverted; 4) nurture your spiritual side.  Also,

happiness is associated with characteristics like autonomy, competence, close relationships, and high self-esteem.

One part of the article in particular warns against buying things to be happy.

"The route to sustained happiness is not to change the static circumstances of your life, but rather to change the activities that you're involved in," says Sheldon. "This could mean committing to a new vocational plan, pursuing a new set of goals, or joining a new organization."

One more interesting quote:

One way to steer your life toward happiness is simply to count your blessings, and perhaps even create and make regular entries in your own "gratitude journal." Myers points to research showing that people who pause each day to reflect on the positive aspects of their lives (for example, their health, friends, family, education, freedom) are more likely to experience heightened well-being.

I think that this journal is something like that for me.  I write about my triumphs and feelings of happiness.  I write about bad things, too, and I think I need to work on being more positive here.  But it's a start.

The last paragraph of the article is great.  Check it out.  (I was going to include it here, but I've quoted enough already...)

I really felt as I was reading this article that my opinions on happiness were reaffirmed.  I have thought for awhile now that the happiest people are those who are working towards a goal.  It's not enough to just have a goal.  You have to know that you are doing something every day that will help you reach it.  Working towards a goal makes you feel good about yourself because you are accomplishing something.  In other words, you like yourself more, and liking yourself is absolutely necessary for true happiness.

But you can't be single-mindedly devoted to a goal and be happy.  You have to have relationships, friends.  My husband is a pretty happy person in general.  He spends a lot of time on his computer, but he has really good friends there.  He takes care of those friends, and they take care of him, and seeing them and working with them each day is very important to him.  Sean's goals aren't to start a business or land a high-paying job or what have you.  He seems to know instinctively that working towards something, whatever it is, is the road to fun and happiness.  The things he works towards are for him and for the online communities he is a part of.  It's a different, rather social kind of achievement.

(Sean is the only "gamer" I really know well, so I'm wondering if this is true for other people who play video games.  When playing a game, you're working towards a goal, and when playing online or a multi-player game on a server, you have to work cooperatively.  It gets the social aspect and it gets the working towards a goal in one fell swoop.  And I do think that, in general, gamers are happy people.  I've never met a gamer like the ones you see portrayed in the news.)

For me, the times when I've felt the most unhappy are when I'm powerless to change something that I'm willing to work my ass off to change.  And lately, now that I'm doing workouts and things and taking better care of myself, I've felt better--I'm working towards the goal of a healthy me.  Soon I'd like to start working on the goal of getting proficient in Japanese.  I have lots of study materials.  I want to start saving up to buy those Pimsleur tapes, because hearing it and practicing it is important, but in the meantime I've got books and plenty of online resources.  It's been nagging at me that I haven't done anything, and I think I will be even happier if I start up some self-study.

In a nutshell, it's productive people who are happy.  If you just fall into the status quo, get complacent, and sit around all day doing passive activities like watching TV, then you're not bettering yourself, and you'll start to lose respect for yourself.  But if you work to improve yourself and do the things that you like with people you like, you're on the road to happiness (and possibly other successes, depending on what your goals are).

At times like these, I feel so optimistic :)  I just want to go out and make my mark on the world.

Folly

I spoke with a good friend last night, someone about whom I care very deeply.  I left the conversation feeling, well, upset.

I don't mind if she sees what I think about it, because apparently I haven't been able to present my thoughts coherently in person, but in order to protect her privacy and the privacy of other parties, I won't use her name.  (This secrecy stuff is really annoying...)

My friend's best friend, her closest companion, is a guy who broke her heart.  For months she pined for him.  She still says he is the epitome of attraction, a great guy, that she is so similar to him and that she can understand him so well, that he has taught her so much about herself and how to love herself...so that even while she's joking that he's trying to find her a boyfriend, you get that sense of unresolved feelings.  She will deny this; she says they are best friends.  Back when she made her decision to stop wanting him as a lover, she insisted that she was not going to stop seeing him or being friends with him, because he was too important to her, too big a part of her life.

So, in other words, she consciously chose not to move on at all.  She chose to stay in limbo, to pound her feelings down, to relegate herself to second place in order to be near the guy who won't have her.  It's like saying, "I'd rather have him this way than not at all."

And subconsciously, it's like saying, "Maybe someday he'll see what I'm worth and change his mind."

I won't pretend to understand his side of all this.  He dated her, he broke up with her, he continued to have sex with her after the fact because it was convenient and fun.  And from what I hear, he does care about her.  She seems to think that I think he is evil, but I don't.  I've said numerous times that I think he is human.

The reason I don't think she should spend time with him is not because I think he is a bad person.  I have no data on whether or not he is a bad person.  And, frankly, I don't care whether or not he is a bad person.  What I know is that it is horribly emotionally damaging to cling to someone the way she's doing, to absolve him of all guilt (which she does, even though she claims not to, simply by allowing him the pleasure of her company), to pretend that her strong, overwhelming feelings of a few months ago have suddenly turned off like a light switch.

She's subconsciously leading herself on.  She may have even subconsciously decided that as long as she can be with him this way, she doesn't need more from him--and that she doesn't need any romantic relationship.

She is letting him abuse her by staying near him.  It doesn't matter whether he means to abuse her or not.  That is the end result.  She loves him, she wants him, he won't have her, she lets him have her friendship anyway even after all that happened.  He will never know from this the depths of her feelings.  He will probably assume that she is fine, that they are friends, and everything is hunky-dory.  So he will treat her the way he's always treated her, the way that made her love him in the first place.

They're together, and yet not, by his choice.  Every day is a torture chamber for my friend...one that she jumps into eagerly, because he's there.  It may be beautiful outside, a wonderful world where she can grow and learn and find love, but that doesn't matter because he is down in the torture chamber.  She'll stunt her own growth--and she is stunting her own growth--simply in order to keep him near.

It's not like no one has told her this, either.  But she denies it, vehemently.

Last night she said she felt bad because he felt out of place during a recent get-together with "the group".  I was extraordinarily annoyed by this, though I held myself in check.  I calmly explained that anyone who isn't part of a group will feel left out.  But it seems to me that she wants him to become part of the group, or something.  I've already told her that if he's there spending time with us regularly, then I will have to opt out of those meetings.  I refuse to watch her destroy herself.  She can do that on her own time.

What right does she have to expect us to accept him?  I don't care what kind of person he is, or if I would have liked him in another circumstance, or whether or not he chose to hurt my friend the way he did.  What happened happened.  To me, he isn't a person.  He is a part of my friend's life that she needs to walk away from.  He will never be a person to me.  He will certainly never be my friend.

@_@

Worked a full 8 hours, no break today.  It feels like I work more now that I have "fewer" hours...

Tomorrow's the last day before my vacation.  I don't think I have enough time to get done what I need to before I leave.  I read an article on MSN awhile back about people who have horrible, stressful vacations because they try to do too much beforehand and then spend the whole time worrying about what didn't get done.  I could see that happening to me :P  I even (in a fit of irrationality that I now regret) offered to telecommute while I'm in Kentucky...:P

So, I'm just trying to unwind now.  Ate a late lunch, checked websites, looked for Sailor Moon 40 (not yet...grr...), and now I'm just trying to decide what I want to do with myself for the rest of the day.  Bwah.  A nice nap sounds wonderful, but I don't know if I want to do that.  The possibility of biking also exists...we'll have to see about that.

Speaking of which, I meant to go to a bike shop today, but it totally slipped my mind, what with all the MIND NUMBING STRESS...

DAY 39

One lap, no weights; 5 minutes on stair climber; same routine as Tuesday.

I had to drag myself kicking and screaming out of bed this morning.  I just did not want to get up at all.  But now that my workout and shower are over, I'm feeling better.

Going to have to have another confrontation today, or at least a laying out once again of my limits.  I knew it wouldn't last.  (Hell, it never even really started, did it?)

Bed beckons

Just wanted to post that I've had a nice day :)  Had a lovely time with Sean right when he got home from work, and after that Brooke came over and we made curry.  Then we ate it and watched live action Sailor Moon!  We also had ice cream.

We made it through five episodes, enough to see the introduction of Moon, Mercury, and Mars, and some trials and tribulations for those three.  Much to my delight, Brooke really enjoyed it!  She wants to watch more :)  I'm glad I have someone to watch it with :)

I'm hoping to finagle my way over to Mari and Kelly's tomorrow to see what their house looks like with all their stuff in it.  We'll see.

Work went well today.  I made a training document and worked through it step by step with Wanda, and that really helped.  Today was much calmer, and she seemed to really be grasping what was going on.  I was so relieved.  Yesterday was just evil.

Looking forward to Saturday :)  Flying out of AGS straight to LEX.  That will be so nice :D  Although I think the reality of the distance involved may be cut down with the drive omitted.  (Small price to pay!)

"Reverbiagize"

You just can't make this shit up.  (Well, I guess somebody did...but it certainly wasn't me.  Where I come from, we don't add syllables during the course of normal conversation.)

DAY 38

My back hurts this morning, so I'm not going to do my workout.  The back pain isn't really the real reason I don't want to do it, though; I had a bad dream, and it's made me feel a little shaky.

I'd like to recount the dream here, because it had such a profound effect on me, but it involved people I know, and I don't want them to see this and get offended.  This is the hairy part of having an online journal; how much can you say?  If I was the only one I had to worry about, I'd say everything.  But unfortunately I have to take other people's feelings into account.  ;>

In any case, I'm going to write about the dream and not use names.  There are two characters besides myself in the dream, a man and a woman, so I'm going to refer to them as "the man" and "the woman".

I'm not sure what I was doing in the dream, but at some point I decided to leave the room in the middle of a conversation with the man because I was unhappy with whatever he was saying.  The man then hurled something over the wall of the room.  I didn't see it exactly, but I heard it smash to the floor and break, and I heard the sound of wooden things scattering across the room, and I knew instinctively that it was my ceramic kitchen utensil holder, which for some reason had all my wooden spoons and things in it (in real life, it has the plastic and metal stuff in it.  I haven't had the wooden spoons in it for a long time).

This really pissed me off, but I was also scared, so I didn't run back in there to confront him.  Instead, I stormed out of the room I was in and into the hallway, where I found the woman.  She had heard the sound and was pacing back and forth frantically, wringing her hands and mumbling to herself in a high-pitched, frightened voice.

I pulled her into a hug and tried to soothe her.  "It's okay.  Don't worry about it.  It's okay."  I think she calmed down, but not much.  (It's obvious where this part of the dream comes from.  I've spent quite a bit of time worrying about this person recently, but I haven't been able to do anything to help her.)  By this time I was determined that I had to do something, to make it obvious to the man that his behavior was unacceptable.  I apparently explained the situation off-camera, because AJ showed up with some long socks that said "ALAN" on the toes, and said, "Make him wear these.  His feet will stink for a week!"

This was not the solution, of course.  I wasn't sure what was, but I headed back to confront the man.  When I got back to the room, though, I discovered he wasn't there.  Asking around, I discovered that he'd left completely.

That was pretty much it.  I think the part about him leaving at the end is important because I tend to lose my nerve in situations like that.  If he'd been there, I might have been able to say what I wanted to say, but postponing the confrontation would only make me less able to pull it off.

The man in my dream has never been violent towards me in real life.  He is bigger than I am, though.  One time he was mad and slammed his hand onto a desk.  It made me flinch.

I'm not sure why I had this dream now, but I think it speaks to some sort of issue I must have.  I've always had a problem with strong people hurting weak people.  I can't stand to watch scenes like that in movies (as you'll recall).  I sort of wonder if something happened to me when I was a kid (this is the convenient, Hollywood psychology solution), or if there is some other sort of reason why I'm like this.  I can't really think of a single reason, though I can say that I was frightened of abuse as a child.  Maybe that's all it takes, even if no physical abuse actually occurs.

I feel really uncomfortable right now.  I wish I could just go back to bed.

Yowzah

I stayed a little late at work (as usual), meaning I got off at 3:40--Robert was out of town today so I had to work a full shift.  Things were very, very hectic.  Things kept going wrong; it just wasn't good.

It could be due to the stress, then, that I got home, started the laundry, laid down to read Getting Things Done, and fell promptly asleep.

I love sleeping.

I woke up at 10:30, thinking blearily that I should at least change my clothes.  As I was automatically preparing my clothes for tomorrow, the fog lifted enough for me to remember the laundry.  So here I am, waiting on it, and eating Crunch Berries.

Oh, by the way

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AJ!!!

DAY 37

I had to force myself out of bed this morning.  I stayed up too late watching America's Funniest Sitcom Families or Something Like That on ABC.  It was really amusing.  I especially liked the off-the-cuff remarks by the late John Ritter.  The man was a genius.
 
Anyway, it just kept going on and on and before I knew it it was 10:30, so I hopped into bed finally.  Too late, really.
 
I was supposed to have gotten off work at 11, but as is the norm these days I stayed late, until around 1.  It was fine, though...I had stuff to get done, and I managed quite a bit of it.  Today Robert is out of town, and I will be working on training Wanda to do the stuff I won't be able to do while I'm out of town :>  So today will be a full workday.  Fortunately, yesterday I went grocery shopping, so that's out of the way.  I even know what I'm making for dinner tonight :)  (Last night, we ordered in from T.G.I. Friday's...)
 
Since I got up a little later than usual, and was moving kind of slowly, I made a circuit around the complex and then skipped the stairclimber.  I don't know if we're biking today or not, but my legs may thank me for the reprieve.  I then did my usual routine, same as last time.
 
I don't think I'm going to make Sean's lunch this morning.  I really need to get in the habit of doing that the night before :P  My time in the morning is priceless.

Fansubs

I wish someone competent was subbing Touch.  There are two groups, "Crossfade" and "Genbu & Meisei", and neither of them is particularly good.
 
There was one really embarrassing moment in the Genbu/Meisei sub of episode 16--embarrassing for me, watching, because it's such a stupid mistake on the part of the fansubbers.  Minami has caught a cold/flu, so Tatsuya brings her some lemons (apparently lemons make you well?  I don't know).  Minami says, 　「レモンじゃない！」　("remon ja nai!") .  Genbu/Meisei translated it as, "These aren't lemons!"
 
Now, technically, that is what she said.  "ja nai" is a way of saying "is not".  But this structure is common in feminine speech (slang, if you will) for adding emphasis to a statement without being direct.  It's akin to saying, "Aren't those lemons?" or "Those are lemons, aren't they!"  In other words, it's a rhetorical question whose answer is patently obvious.  (Men use this structure too, but they tend to say "jan" instead of "ja nai", from what I've noticed.  For example, when someone impresses him in tennis, Ryoma might say, "yaru jan".  I think we can assume here that the "yaru" means "to play [a game/sport]"; most of the time Anime-Otakus [who I highly respect as fansubbers] translate it as "not bad".)
 
Given that the phrase can technically mean (with different intonation) "These aren't lemons," the phrase Tatsuya says next, which Genbu/Meisei translated as "What, do they look like pumpkins to you?" makes sense...but Minami's line doesn't, because they are obviously lemons.  Meanwhile, Crossfade, which had Minami say, "Lemons!", didn't bother translating Tatsuya's line at all.  It looks like rather than taking the time to do it right, both fansub groups conveniently omitted things that made the conversation complicated.
 
On the whole, I guess I would trust Genbu/Meisei over Crossfade, though.  From the easy stuff Crossfade's  getting wrong--"ice milk" as "ice cream"?  "Straight" as "strike"?--I have to wonder how much of the story I'm missing.  I may as well be watching it raw.  Don't even get me started on how the umpire is somehow the "crossbreeder"(!).  Unfortunately, Genbu/Meisei seem to have stopped at 16, while Crossfade is up to episode 22.
 
The story is one of those wacky love triangles--this time involving two twin brothers and their next-door neighbor--but it's serious, too.  I really enjoy it, despite the horrid subbing.  I doubt it will ever be licensed, because it, like other quality shows--Miyuki, Yawara--is pretty old.  The animation is outdated and not flashy enough for today's core anime crowd.  Plus, there are no giant robots, and the T&A is pretty tame (gee, a girl in a leotard--and her body is actually human proportions, too).  Good story isn't enough to get something released in the US...yet.
 
And so that's why I want someone else to fansub it.  Or for Genbu/Meisei to catch up--because at least they use a nice big font that I can actually read.  I was trying to screencap some of the latest Crossfade release to demonstrate how terrible it is, but unfortunately I can't seem to do so.  Just believe me when I say that they picked the most swirly, serif font they possibly could, and then made it about three pixels high ;P

DAY 36

This is the thirty-sixth day of my new lifestyle.  I consider last week, during which I didn't work out at all, to be a part of it, because in order to be healthy one has to take breaks when necessary.  These breaks aren't setbacks.  They're part of the path towards wellness.  My back was hurting, and it was not feasible to work it out last week.  Since resting and using a heating pad Mari gave me, my back is feeling much better, and I was able to do my workout routine this morning at almost the same level I was at before the break.
 
This was my schedule this morning:
 
5:00-5:15: Wake up, get dressed, stretch.
 
5:15-5:45: Work out:
1 lap around complex (no weights)
3 minutes stairclimber
50 crunches
20 knees-to-elbows
30 each side obliques
30 each side lats
50 back raises
20 wuss pushups
30 each side outside inner thigh lifts
30 each side inside inner thigh lifts
30 each side side leg lifts (these were especially hard this time, don't know why)
20 scissor kicks
30 (+10) each side glutes
30 (+10) calf raises
 
5:45-6:00: Make Sean's lunch (turkey and swiss, ramen)
 
6:00-6:15: Shower
 
And since 6:15, I've been getting dressed and typing this post.  Whee!
 
I'd like to be able to devote a full hour to my morning workout, but I get up quite early enough as it is, thank you.  If I worked out until 6:15, I'd have barely enough time to shower and get dressed before leaving for work.  That's not ideal...the morning, for me, is time to wake up and get ready for the day, not time to freak out and rush out the door.
 
I'm so particular about things...I don't like stressing out, and I try to avoid things that are boring.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm just weird.  It seems like other people accept stressing out and boredom as part of everyday life.  I tend to refuse to accept either one--in fact, they make me rather grouchy.  I guess I figure...we only have this life.  Why spend so much of it doing things we don't want to?  I do wonder if this view is unrealistic, though.
 
Ah, I feel great :)  I'm glad to be back on my regular routine again.  Last week I got up at 6 am instead of 5 every morning, and I went to work already wishing I could come home.  Today I feel fine.  (Of course, that might also have something to do with the fact that I'm only working a half day today ;>)

Heh.

I don't believe that the Republicans are fuming over gay marriage now in an effort to "distract" people from the war, because I don't believe Republicans think people are so stupid that they can't concentrate on more than one thing at a time.  I think the issue came up because gay people started getting married.  It would have come up when that happened regardless of the timing.
 
The Republicans are wrong, though.
 
I just thought this was cute, and wanted to share.

It's the weekend, my back is feeling better, I work part time next week, and I'm going to Kentucky the week after that, and then Boston the week after

I've hit the limit for title length!!  But there's lot of good news, and I didn't want to focus on just one thing :>
 
Unfortunately, I don't have time to write about it, because I've been dilly-dallying and now I need to run off with Brooke to see Mari bellydance...then we're having sushi...and then we're helping Mari pack/move stuff to her new house!!!!  Joygasm!!!!

HOLY CRAP IT'S THE WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank goodness.
 
And uh...whoa, what did Blogger do to its admin?  I likes it!

I want to go home

but my relief is probably going to be late.

So, I'm just a little stressed...

More lunch orders than usual today, which is good, except that I have to do CSR/Dispatch, which is bad because I hate it. I also have had some projects, some of which are done, some of which are close to done, and some of which I haven't even freaking started.

The one I'm most worried about is a writing chore that could take up quite a bit of time, and I only have until 3 to get moving on it. I guess I have more than a day, but I'm not sure how long exactly I have, and I know the work is needed soon. Somehow, writing for a job doesn't seem as easy as just writing stuff on my own ;P

Plus, orders have been failing to go to the restaurant printers left and right, so I've had to call in loads of them.

I hate doing CSR/Dispatch.

I'm only doing it this week because my coworker is on vacation in Florida. She'll be back on Monday. I just have to live through these three hours, and then tomorrow, and then I'm done. And I get to (hopefully) go on vacation myself the week after next...and then Sean and I are going to Boston the following week. Hopefully my vacations will bring more peace than stress.

Right now I'm upset because a delivery order is late. Something I couldn't control. The driver apparently misunderstood me, even though I told him when to pick it up numerous times. What's frustrating is that he's a really good driver, so I don't know why he misunderstood. It's the stuff like this, the stuff I can't control that screws up the service, that makes me hate doing CSR/Dispatch. There will always be issues like this, and you just have to deal with them when you're working customer service. But every problem rips away at my morale and tears my peace of mind into shreds.

People never seem to understand why I don't like CSR/Dispatch, even when I explain it. I guess everyone thinks it's something that I can just learn to deal with. Maybe it is. Maybe I'm just weak because I can't handle it right now. I don't know. And I don't care, either, because I don't want to do it :P

Just say no

This letter was not written by me, but you may pretend it was.

Dear friend,

Congress is about to vote on amending the U.S. Constitution to deny marriage equality to same-sex couples.

Never before has our Constitution been amended to take away anyone's rights. Yet our Senators will vote on this amendment in the next 48 hours.

It's urgent that we speak up now. This hateful divisiveness has no place in America. Please join me in saying so, at:

http://www.moveon.org/unitednotdivided/

Equality in marriage is the civil rights issue of our generation. We can't let anyone, or any group, be singled out for discrimination based on who they are or who they love.

Thank you.

My back still hurts...

...BUT it seems to feel better after I've been at work for awhile. The answer? It's gotta be the chair.

I sit in a pretty nice chair at work. It's not an Aeron by any means, but it's no slouch, either. It's comfortable and supportive, and I'm positive that's what's soothing my poor back.

But then I come home and sit in a metal folding chair at the computer, or stretch out on a futon. Bleh.

We have a La-Z-Boy too, but it's never done much for me in terms of support. And Dad's old loveseat isn't all that comfortable.

So really, we have nothing worth sitting or lying on anywhere in this apartment.

Most times, I'm okay, but when I have a sore back, I think it drags on far longer than it has to because of my apartment's lack of ergonomics.

I didn't work out this morning; I decided last night that my back needed a total break, and I was really tired anyway so I set the alarm for 6 instead of 5. I didn't want to get up even then, but I managed it, somehow wrestled into my clothes (everything is such a chore when your back hurts too much to move), and headed off for work, stopping to get a McDonald's breakfast on the way.

Now I'm eating an exorbitantly expensive deli sandwich and drinking a smoothie.

Work was fine today, although the latter half was spent in something of a daze. I felt really out of it. I spent quite a bit of time wrestling with Windows XP, to no avail. It'll be a miracle if I can get a printer installed...

Ow

My back fucking hurts.

Whee

I didn't make Sean's lunch...ended up distracting myself with webcomics. I took a Slim-Fast and a coffee cup out to the car, then remembered about the desk and ran back upstairs to get my racheted screwdriver, my hammer, and my measuring tape (just in case).

Got to work and finished up the desk, did other workly things. Was pretty busy all day until my relief came in at 3. I decided to stay until 4 and put my new computer together on the desk.

The keyboard tray won't stay in. I remember having similar problems with this desk (it's the same desk), but somehow it's worse at the office, so much so that I've just put the keyboard and mouse up top and left the tray off.

The computer came pre-loaded with all kinds of useless software like Real Player and AOL. I removed all the junk, then fiddled with the settings to make it look as close to Windows 2000 "Classic" as possible. Then I went to Sushicam to grab some wallpapers, as the defaults were horribly grainy and not all that nice to begin with. I messed with the IE settings and favorites, too, but I didn't get too far into it because I'm just going to port over my Favorites from the other computer, as soon as it's time for me to switch. (This week I'm staying at the Dispatch station because, well, I'll be doing Dispatch ;P)

New desk, new computer...everything seems dandy. I am worried about one thing, though...Tammy works in that area of the office when she comes in in the morning, and that's also Robert's side. I fear the messes that may ensue :/ (And I may never see my pens again...)

DAY 29

Just in case you were curious, I did end up having ice cream last night: a chocolate chip cookie dough Blizzard.

1 lap around complex with handweights
5 minutes on stairclimber
60 (+10) crunches
20 knees to elbows
40 (+10) each side lats
40 (+10) each side obliques
15 back raises (stopped before the point of discomfort)
30 each side outside inner thigh raises
30 each side inside inner thigh raises
40 (+10) each side side leg raises
20 scissor kicks
20 each side kneeling leg lifts (glutes)
20 calf raises

I did lots of stretching before, during, and after the workout.

When I got up this morning, my back was really sore. I was sort of concerned as to whether or not I should work out. But it feels better now--still sore, but I didn't work it too hard, and I think stretching it out by doing the other exercises helped a little.

I'm looking forward to going to work. I want to be on the ball the minute I go in, because I seem to get the most done--or at least, my focus is the best--when I'm alone in the office. (I could really use my own office, but hell, I could use a million dollars too...)

Today I will be concerned with trying to schedule my vacation time. Tomorrow I will be busy getting ready for Brooke's graduation. Sometime during the rest of the week, I'll call the endocrinologist and set up an appointment, hopefully for next week. Unfortunately, the one my friend Will suggested to me isn't in "the book", so I'll be using the one that the gyn I went to recommended.

Time to see about breakfast, and make a lunch for Sean.

Restless

Lately I've been feeling really restless...sort of unhappy with how things are, and wanting to change and improve them. Most notably, I've been obsessing over the living room and the master bedroom, and ways in which I could rearrange them.

So finally today I did rearrange the bedroom. I moved my old desk over to the window, and put Lan Box on it. Sean's TV will also go there, so we can watch fansubs in bed.

Where my desk used to be, I put my dresser, with the shelves that used to be on top of the desk. I then nested the two gold and glass tables and set them between the dresser and my side of the bed.

My hope chest went where the dresser used to be, and my little sock and underwear chest stayed pretty much where it was, next to the hope chest.

Sean got to keep his bedside table, which I was originally thinking of using to hold the TV. I left my hamper where it was, too.

I'm not sure why I got the itch to rearrange, but I think part of it is probably because of work. Robert bought a desk just like my new one here at home--and it is way too big for our office. Anyway, I spent Friday putting it together...wound up working eight hours with no breaks, and didn't even get done. Plus, I'm worried about how we're going to make it fit into the office...right now we have the table that was along the back wall sticking out diagonally to keep it out of the way.

So that's probably what it is...knowing that there's a big project that I didn't finish at work, overlapping with my home life.

I went biking with the gang yesterday. I stayed in fifth gear and chugged along mightily. There's a point just before (or just after, can't quite remember) the concrete tunnel on the trail where the incline seems to be too much for me lately, and I have to stop and walk for several feet. It happened again this time, but it wasn't too bad. After that, I didn't stop at all until the end of the trail.

Mari had set us a goal: to get to the end of the trail without stopping by the end of August. I decided that I would go ahead and try to get as far as I could without stopping. So making it that far, with only the one brief walking bit, made me feel good; it was a nice accomplishment. Of course, this means that I have to perform similarly from now on, or the whole thing will have been pointless...

I didn't do my workout on Friday, and I've been trying to rest my back this weekend (other than, I guess, the furniture-moving), but it's still sore. I think it feels a little better now than it did earlier in the day, though.

I organized my desk today, too, and did up some paperwork that's been needing to go out. I also reorganized my email; I deleted a bunch of junk and created some new folders so that I'll know what I'm doing more easily. Typically I just leave everything that's "pending" in the Inbox; this has started to stress me out, so I made some new folders similar to the ones I have at work: Awaiting Reply/Info, Deferred, and Done. Done has several subfolders depending on what type of stuff it is (job, FlyLady, AMRN, etc.).

Part of this wanting to get organized comes from the fact that I'm reading David Allen's Getting Things Done (yes, again; I borrowed it from Robert for a second time, and this time I will actually read it, damn it). There's some good information in there that I hope to apply to pretty much all the facets of my life...but it'll take awhile, I think :X

I did finish up Hikaru no Go the other day (I guess it was Friday). The ending is good, but it leaves me wanting more, of course. There was more manga, but even it leaves me wanting more. There isn't really much of a resolution to anything. And I'm unhappy with Sai's SPOILERdisappearanceSPOILER, but we all already knew that ;P

Brooke said last night that she could tell a difference from my working out, in my face and midsection. That was sort of a relief to hear, because honestly I can't tell anything, except that maybe my pants are a little looser. I dunno.

I want ice cream...

Mangafied politics

This is a hoot. I guess Koizumi figures if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

「私の声が聞こえるんですか？」

"Amerimanga"

Kill me. Kill me now.

I guess it's at least drawn by a Japanese person. I think.

Princess Ai is a mind-bending trip co-created by alt-rock goddess Courtney Love and featuring some of the most cutting-edge manga art in Japan, including chara designs by famed manga-ka Yazawa Ai.

Damn, Tokyopop is so cool. "Chara designs." Yes, we are far too hip to use real words.

And apparently Courtney Love is a goddess. I never knew that.

Princess Ai is co-created by DJ Milky, who likes to eat ramen late at night and bananas for breakfast. Addicted to digital and analog fusion, Milky is in a constant state of flux and irk. Life's one reward comes in the form of making stories, music, and lately shooting DV. Milky has composed a few songs for TOKYOPOP including School's in Session (GTO), Initialize (Initial D), and Worthy of Your Soul (Reign), as well as writing Karma Club and two upcoming Stray Sheep books. Milky is currently in development on two manga projects as well as staring intently into the vortex.

Well, at least we know that the vortex is in safe hands.

(I assume "DV" means something like music videos, though I'm really not sure. It sounds an awful lot like a drug, though, given the context :>)

Sean was right

Well, mostly.

Somehow, I misunderstood something somewhere along the way.

Apparently the period I had was a fluke.

In order to keep having periods, I need to take some sort of hormone supplements. I can take them as prescribed by the gyn, or I can go to an endocrinologist and make sure I'm on the right hormone therapy to make it so I can become pregnant someday.

Either way, I should not do nothing, because my uteran wall needs to shed for me to remain healthy.

So, to recap:

I cannot possibly be pregnant at this time.

I need to see the endocrinologist.

Hikaru no Go, Naruto, and Prince of Tennis manga

I didn't realize that these three were all being released here. I discovered them while searching for scanslations of Prince of Tennis! So, of course I added all the available releases to my Amazon Wish List. And, just to be safe, I added a link to my Wish List to this site.

You know, just in case of emergency gift-buying.

DAY 26

I'm not actually working out today, at least not this morning. My lower back is sort of achey, and I think it needs a little rest.

I am hopefully going biking with "the gang" tonight, though :) Chris and I didn't make it out to ride last night. (I also haven't been playing tennis for awhile...it's been kinda hot...)

Today I work from 11 to 3, so I'm still at home in my nightgown. I'm going to call the gyn here in a bit and ask him what he thinks of my situation. If he says I need to come in and have bloodwork done, then I'll schedule something for next week I guess...though that'll be harder since I'm working 8 hour shifts next week. I should have taken that into consideration :P

Anyway, I'll talk to the gyn and then talk to Robert about it.

I get my new desk and new computer today, and I get to assemble both. So, no dressing up for me today. Jeans and a t-shirt will do :>

I'm not sure what desk Robert will have ended up getting for me. Hopefully it's a good one with workspace...I wish it would have a file drawer, but I'm afraid it probably won't :/ I'd really rather not keep all the files I use over in the Dispatch desk, because I'd have to crawl past the dispatcher whenever I needed something :P

We'll see.

I'm listening to Hikaru no Go music right now. Good stuff. I haven't watched any more episodes yet, but I probably will soon, either tonight or this weekend.

The music from that show is phenomenal.

Well, anyway, that's about it. I feel like I have something else to say, but I'm probably just nervous about calling the gyn. I'm going to get to work on writing out what I need to ask, so I don't forget anything.

Sai~~~~ (spoilers, if you haven't seen/read all of HnG)

Doing all right. Work was fine. Robert ordered a new computer from Dell for me, and after work I went to look for a new desk. Hopefully we'll have something set up by Friday when the computer arrives, but I didn't see anything particularly good when I browsed Office Max, Office Depot, Target, and Staples. I even went to a new furniture store called Ashley, but that place is way too expensive/ritzy for us :> There was one desk at Staples that had pretty much all the features I was after, but it ended up being too much. There was one at I think Office Max that was okay, and Robert is going to go buy it tonight so I can put it together tomorrow.

After driving around looking at desks, I went home and watched a bunch of Hikaru no Go (eps 50 through 59). It's getting nearer and nearer...Sai's disappearance.

Every episode is bittersweet now, especially with Sai's own realization. Why don't you tell him? Tell him, Sai! But I know what Sai is thinking. He thinks Hikaru won't believe him. He tried to tell him before, after all.

You didn't try hard enough, Sai.

He's too bitter now to make the effort. He's too envious of Hikaru's future. He's too upset and depressed and mortified that he won't be the one to reach the Hand of God.

But even as he's feeling all these things, he's feeling bad for being so selfish. He hates himself for how he's feeling. He doesn't want to disappear, to pass on, to lose his chance to play more go...to leave Hikaru. But he wants Hikaru to go forward, to show his strength to the world. He's so filled with pride and admiration of Hikaru; it's just that he's too blinded by the immediacy of his own situation to feel it unselfishly. By the time he realizes his true feelings--that he's proud to have been such a big step towards the Hand of God, to have sent the amazingly gifted Hikaru on to find the Hand of God with his rival, Touya Akira--it's too late. And Hikaru doesn't hear him say goodbye...

I always think, when I start to rewatch this series, that I'll stop before Sai disappears. That way I won't have to remember that he's gone, that he won't be there to smile demurely, to astonish with his brilliant play...to whine at Hikaru to let him play more go, to gaze wide-eyed at the modern world and then smile and think, "Everything is now as it was then."

And I won't have to watch as Hikaru realizes he is the only one who truly knew Sai, even if Touya realized that somehow Sai was inside Hikaru. I don't have to see that Sai's memory is gone, not even recorded in the history books. I don't have to see that his existence, while serving the noble purpose of setting Hikaru out into the world of go, ultimately ended, his name erased and covered by those of others. His true name--part of it--was known to those who saw him play on the Internet, but even if they remember to their deaths the undefeated genius Sai, once they are gone--once Hikaru is gone--Sai will be gone.

Forever.

I think those things every time...but somehow I am never able to stop watching.

It sucks you in, that show. Too many great battles, too many gasps of shock and discovery, and suddenly Sai is sighing in the background, wondering when he'll get to play again, and then you know it's coming...but then Hikaru's playing Touya-meijin, so you can't stop watching now, and then Sai makes his move of ultimate selfishness...and after that you have to watch to see the resolution, the forgiveness on both sides, and before you know it you're in too deep.

And then, after Sai's gone, you have to keep watching...because you have to see Hikaru find Sai in his go. It's all you have left. And while you wait for that moment, you endure with Hikaru the excruciating pain of Sai's loss--you feel it with him, and in Hiroshima, when Hikaru spins around after that fast game of go and grins, How was that, Sai?, only to find no one there but a local, wondering why Hikaru's staring at him...you think that's perfectly natural, and the shock of Sai not being there hits you just as hard as it hits Hikaru.

Sai!

You haven't found the Hand of God yet!

Touya Kouyou is still waiting for you!

The entire go world is waiting!

But the one they'll all eventually meet...the one on his way to the Hand of God...is Shindou Hikaru.

I wish it was Sai.

Fujiwarano Sai...you live in on Hikaru, in Hikaru's go, and in the go of every player who will come up against Hikaru...but you live on anonymously. Your name will not be written down; records of your games won't be stored at the Institute. This is the pale existence, the existence you hated, projected into the future. You had no body then, and you have no existence now...nor will you ever.

God's punishment for taking your own life?

Punishment for your treatment of Torajirou...Honinbou Shuusaku?

And yet could a kinder person, a man with a stronger sense of fair play, a wiser teacher than you exist?

Did Torajirou's kindness live on in you? Were you young, selfish, immature before you inhabited him? When he died, is that what changed you into the noble person you were when you met Hikaru?

Was the change too late for God's liking?

You seemed to accept your fate at the end...but then you couldn't even say goodbye. Not until much later, and then you couldn't even speak. You smiled, passed your fan on to Hikaru, and disappeared again. Was that even really you? Did Hikaru conjure you out of his own need to see you again?

You had your chance to play go as much as you liked, in the brief span of Torajirou's life. Then, as Hikaru grew, your time to play was limited, almost nonexistent. Go was the reason your spirit remained on Earth...and you still wanted to play, many more games. That never changed.

What did change was your understanding of Hikaru's abilities, and your eventual acceptance that he would walk down the path to the Hand of God...

...and so in return for this revelation, this growth of character, this moment of truth, when you realized that you had been brought to this time and place to show Hikaru that game with Touya-meijin, to raise him up to the level of understanding it...

In return for fulfilling your obligation, and for finally understanding what you were still there for...you were forced to leave.

Sai!

What a long and tragic existence you have led. The people you have loved and respected...died before you, or will go on without you. You pass into whatever afterlife awaits you without truly finishing your first life--a right you willfully gave up when you drowned yourself. But even your spectral existence was incomplete, leaving not only you but everyone you touched unsatisfied. And yet you were forced to pass on.

Sai. Wherever you are, I hope...you get to play a lot of go.

DAY 25

Ugh.

Last night I seemed to pull a muscle in my back, above my right hip. I took some Advil and was able to sleep. This morning it wasn't as painful, but I could still feel it.

I didn't feel like leaving the apartment, so I stayed in and did my usual crunches, wuss-pushups and leg lifts, plus the calf raises I've been forgetting to do. No stairclimber or treadmill in here, though. Oh well.

I really don't feel all that good today. Hopefully work won't be too stressful.

Desperation

Sometimes I don't write what I'm thinking here. Part of it is because I'm afraid that when whatever it is I'm thinking of doesn't come to fruition, I'll look stupid, or whiny, or overemotional. And part of it is because I have a weird superstition that if I talk about something, it won't come true. That's why, for the past week or so, I didn't post anything about thinking I was pregnant, though I did post oblique clues. I finally did post that I had taken the pregnancy test...but by then it was out of desperation. I couldn't find the answer I wanted on my own, so I was waiting for someone out there to give me hope, by agreeing that the hormone levels might not be right to make a home test register as positive, or that my symptoms seemed like those of a pregnancy, or that yes, I should have had another period by now, even though I hadn't had one in five years until May and there's no particular reason they should all of a sudden be regular now.

That affirmation didn't come, but I didn't know that when I decided to finally tell Sean.

I figured he would think I was stupid for taking a pregnancy test. I figured he would think that there's no way I could get pregnant without the help of an endocrinologist.

I figured right, but he didn't ridicule me. He does love me, after all.

I told him how I'd been having feelings of nausea, how I'd been tired, and how my period is three weeks late. I told him I took a test and it was negative.

"Well, that's to be expected," he said.

Surely he didn't understand, I thought. Just because a doctor says something doesn't mean it's true. Medicine is built on best-guesses. "So...I just wanted to ask how long you think we should wait before asking the doctor about it."

"About what? If you're pregnant?" His voice had a note of disbelief in it.

"Or whatever, about why I haven't had another period," I said.

"We know why that is, though."

I blinked. "No, we don't."

Sean had that patient look on his face. "The doctor said your system is messed up."

"But--" Why did I have a period then?

He seemed to anticipate the question. "That period you had was a fluke. It won't happen again."

Now I was irritated. "He never said that. He never said anything about my periods stopping."

Sean wrapped his arms around me. "I think you should go to the endocrinologist so you can see why the doctor wanted you to go there. You can have a test if you want. If you're pregnant now, that's fine, but I don't think that's what it is."

"But I've been nauseated," I repeated. "Today I really almost threw up." It was true; I heaved over the toilet for quite some time, though nothing came of it.

"Stephen threw up a lot last week," Sean said, as if that settled everything. How some guy out West vomiting had anything to do with me, I couldn't quite see. I think the gist was 'people get sick'. But not me...I don't throw up. I just don't. I don't feel nauseated like this. "It could be the heat," Sean continued. "This heat'll make you nauseous."

"Yeah, I guess," I said, nodding, but not believing a word of it. I've been mildly nauseated from workouts and heat before. This is different. This is me, sitting calmly in a chair under a fan in the air conditioning, feeling like I'm going to wretch out my guts.

But I can't prove that it's different, can I? What if it's only different psychosomatically?

And what if it's allergies, like my coworker said?

I tried to get at least partially back on track. "So...you want me to have an appointment with the endocrinologist."

He chuckled and hugged me again. "If you want to." After a beat, he added, "But I don't want you to start treatments now."

"I know you don't," I said. "I don't want to start them now either."

That was basically true. If I got pregnant now, naturally, without treatments, I would be ecstatic. But financially, I would choose to wait. Though not long. I don't want to wait long. I want to have a child while I'm still in my twenties.

"Okay," he said.

I hugged him and said, "I wish doctors would give you stuff in writing. You know, a nice letter that explains exactly how it is, instead of having a nurse tell you vaguely over the phone." He sort of chuckled, and that was pretty much the end of that.

I wish it would just happen. I wish I was pregnant right now. I'm sort of scared that if we try to schedule it, it'll never get done.

We are both so disorganized. Our lease expired last month and we didn't know it until one of the office girls showed up today to see if we'd moved out. Sean has a sort of "Whatever happens, happens" attitude towards life, and he expects all service providers to give him adequate notice of anything pressing. I don't do the bills, so it wasn't my jurisdiction anyway.

Maybe people like us don't have any business having kids...but I'm working at improving myself. I think being a parent is the most important and difficult and rewarding work there is, and I want to rise to that challenge. I've looked forward to it my whole life.

So, here I am, still thinking I'm pregnant despite the negative test, just sort of waiting and wondering.

One disturbing thought I've also been having...if I'm not pregnant, and I'm just not going to have any more periods...what would that mean? Would that change anything?

It's about bedtime, but I think I'll watch some Hikaru no Go before I go (though I've been all choked up and sobbing at silly parts--sometimes with joy, sometimes with sorrow, but all mostly because I love Sai, I think he's one of the best characters in any show ever, and I miss him terribly).

Summer cold? Allergies? Ate too much for breakfast?

Whatever it is, I feel crappy. At one point part of my breakfast came up into the back of my throat. I sat calmly, very still, for quite some time before forcing it back down. I wonder if I'd feel better if I just threw up.

The headache has turned into sinus pressure, so that at least must be allergies, I guess.

DAY 24

One lap around complex
4 minutes on stairclimber (legs were dead after biking yesterday)
50 crunches
20 elbows-to-knees (been conveniently forgetting this one lately)
30 each side lats
30 each side obliques
50 back raises
20 wuss pushups
30 each side inner thigh lifts (outside)
30 each side inner thigh lifts (inside)
30 each side side leg lifts
20 scissor kicks (though today they were more like bicycle kicks)
20 each side glutes

The clock in the workout room was wrong. I had gotten up at around 4:15 due to having to pee, using that opportunity to take a pregnancy test, and not seeing the point in going back to sleep afterwards. So when I saw that the clock said 6:00, I disbelieved...but just in case, I came back to the apartment. It was only 5:15.

I have a mild cough--not the rattling kind yet, but we'll see. I also seem to be developing a splitting headache. Stress? :P

I'm going to have McDonald's for breakfast, I think. I also think I'm going to be very happy when I get to come home at 11. I'm going to go straight to bed, if I'm still feeling then the way I do now.

Dumb

Instead of just accepting that my weird feelings of late--most notably occasional mild nausea, ravenous hunger, and sudden, irrational over-emotionalism--were simply the products of my body adjusting to its new lifestyle, I decided--don't be too shocked, now--that I must be pregnant! Yeah, I know, you'd think I'd learn, wouldn't you?

The sad thing is, even now I'm thinking "Well the test might not be accurate because I'm a special case...my hormone levels might not be in the normal range." Bleh. The gyn said you have to see an endocrinologist to conceive, Heather.

Bajong!

I don't think "bajong" means anything. It's onomatopoeia for me leaping into the air with a grin so wide it's painful to look at.

I had to stay a little late at work today because Mike called in and Robert was just getting in to the airport. In the end, Wanda had to drive out and get him, because his car crapped out again. I finally headed home at around 2:10, which means I got three more hours than I was supposed to today. Yee. This half-time thing isn't really working out, is it? ;>

Anyway, I went by Wal-Mart to grab the shampoo and conditioner that I'd forgotten yesterday, then stopped at a fresh vegetable stand and looked around. I didn't buy anything, though, because I didn't need any of the stuff they were selling ^^;;

I really, really want to discuss the interesting stools I've been having lately, but in fear of AJ calling me Bronwyn--even though I did not take pictures, thankyouverymuch--I will just remark that yes, I have in fact been having interesting stools lately. (I don't know what's up with my compulsion to discuss the intimate details of my digestive system--hell, any of my bodily systems--with people. I think it's a combination of the facts that 1) I did a lot of that during my hospital stay; 2) my mom's a nurse; 3) I find bodily functions fascinating, for some unknown reason.)

Odd fact: something called Trakken is running Blogger's comments. And we all thought it was in-house! (Well, I did, anyway...) [Edit: Actually, it seems to be running everything that sends email...posts and comments alike. It also seems to be having some problems at this time. -HM, 3:30pm]

DAY 23

One lap around complex with handweights
Nice long stretching routine
5 minutes on stairclimber
50 crunches
30 each side lats
30 each side obliques
50 back raises
25 (+5) wuss pushups
30 (+10) each side inside inner thigh raises
30 (+10) each side outside inner thigh raises
30 (+10) each side side leg lifts
20 scissor kicks
20 each side kneeling leg raises (for glutes; new)
20 tip-toe raises (for calves; new)

I felt a little off this morning, but I found myself doing my workout automatically anyway. It's really becoming part of my daily routine, I guess.

I managed to make Sean's lunch this morning, too, which is good.

Last night we had the oh-so-healthy hotdogs and macaroni and cheese, but tonight I think I'm going to make mini meatloaves. (You know, I don't think those are any healthier...) I'll probably make mashed potatoes too, and maybe steam some broccoli. I was unhappy with the last time I steamed broccoli from this particular bunch, so I'm not sure if it'll be good or not. The best broccoli crowns I've had have been from Winn-Dixie, though the Wal-Mart ones are fine too. Maybe Publix just doesn't get good broccoli, or maybe broccoli is out of season?

At any rate, I have to go by Publix again today because I forgot shampoo and conditioner...even though they were both right there on my list, which I was looking at while I was in the store. Bleh!

I've been thinking that if/when I get pregnant, we can probably stay in this apartment for about a year before we have to get a bigger place. But we'll definitely need to move somewhere with three bedrooms after that. One for us, one for baby, one for computers :> I'd actually like to have something more like a "den" for our computer stuff, but we'll see how that goes.

If we do move, I've been wondering if we should just get a bigger apartment, or go for a house. I know a house payment would probably be lower than rent for a bigger apartment here at Spring House, so...

Anyway, off to work :)

YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@_@

I get to leave at 11!

I can't wait! Just two more hours! It's unbelievable!

*grinning like a dork*

DAY 22

One lap around apartment complex with handweights
5 minutes on stairclimber
50 crunches
30 each side lats
30 each side obliques
50 back raises
20 wuss pushups
20 each side inner thigh raises
20 each side inner thigh opposite-leg-over-knee
20 each side side leg lifts
20 scissor kicks

Came back after that, thinking that I needed to make Sean's lunch, but when I got here I remembered that we used up all the bread yesterday making tuna fish sandwiches for Mari, Kelly, and Chris. (Sean did figure out what was up with Kelly's new computer, which was good--sort of. As Sean put it, "Do you want the bad news, or the bad news?")

So I may go ahead and stick some ramen in his lunch box, and maybe those leftover Krystals, but I won't be horribly offended if he goes out to eat instead.

As for me, I really ought to make a lunch for myself, but I'm not sure what to make. I guess I could try to make a salad, but I don't have any meat prepared...though I guess I could use lunchmeat. (I guess I don't really have any excuses.)

I'm making a grocery list for when I get off work today (at 11! wh00t!), and I keep thinking I'm forgetting something...

There were loads of bugs in the workout room today. I hate lying on that floor doing crunches or leg lifts and wondering if a spider is about to crawl onto me ;P

I plan on doing some sort of exercise after I get home this afternoon. I may try pilates, since I still haven't messed around with the stuff Brooke lent me. We'll see. (To be honest, I didn't like it very much when we tried it at her house. The movements seemed really easy, and yet I couldn't do them. It made me feel really inferior :> As with everything, practice is required. I just don't like feeling so far behind right at the outset, I guess.)

Still haven't had my next period. The last one started on May 16 and ended around May 23. So I guess it'll be three weeks late come Wednesday (though I could be mistaken; I've never bothered charting a period before). I don't know if that means anything, since the period came out of nowhere, but given the strength of the first one, I guess I just assumed that it would go normally from now on. (Then again, I'm not sure how regular my periods were before.)

Still need to shower, so I'm off for now--oh, before I go, let me mention that I'm getting better at the wuss pushups, and I may either increase the number or start trying to do real ones soon. It really helps to not sit around thinking "I suck at pushups, I've always sucked at pushups, and I'll never be able to do them right", and instead just go ahead and do them.

The "Sammy"

This journal has been awarded the prestigious "Sammy" Award, given only to people who comment to Sam that nothing written on their journals will win any awards.

I am, obviously, flattered and honored by this surprise achievement.

;>

New photo site

You'll note that the Photography link in the About section has changed. It now points to my site at smugmug. I'm in the process of uploading pictures from my summer 2001 Japan trip. When I'm done with that I'll probably do my honeymoon pictures (also Japan), and maybe my pictures of Savannah. I'm going to eventually have a gallery where people can buy prints, but I'm going to carefully select each photo for that gallery rather than just let people buy prints of any old thing. That way, people will know that I've hand-selected the good ones for them to choose from.

Of course, maybe no one will buy any...I'm not a professional photographer by any means, so I don't even know if my pictures will be appealing. I've been complimented by people who don't do photography, but my standing among actual photographers is nonexistent.

I'd like to try and get better, but photography is one of the many things that I'm sort of good at that I will have to work harder to improve at. It's always hard for me to choose from among those options. In fact, I'm not sure I've ever done it, except under duress.

Anyway, if you'd like to sign up for smugmug, I'd appreciate a referral. Put either my regular email address (not the AMRN one) or the following code: pdl2RSsjWeOR6 into the "Referred By" field when signing up.

There is something wrong with me

I told AJ in the comments to my last post that I've had more energy, but that I've also been ravenously hungry. I'm starting to wonder if the first one is true. (The second one definitely is...I not only had two cheese hot dogs and chips/dip for lunch, but I stopped on my way back to work to get a huge chocolate milkshake at R. Gabriel's. It was like a craving that I couldn't ignore.)

It seems like lately I've been tired a lot, and I've taken an inordinate amount of naps. I don't know, it just doesn't seem normal somehow. I feel like I should be able to function during the daylight hours and sleep at night and not feel overwhelmed or extraordinarily tired like I have been.

Mom thinks that I've been working too much, so when my hours drop by half next week maybe things will get better. However, the following week I'm back to full time to cover for Wanda going on vacation. I'm not sure what my hours will do after that. The half time hours would probably be fine...I remember liking that schedule back when I had it before. I'll still be getting up at 5 and going in at 7, though.

Sean agrees that my schedule might be the problem..."Early in the morning until late in the eve" is how he put it. (I love how he says "eve" instead of "evening" or "night". Where did he get that?)

So anyway...we'll see, I guess.

I only managed to get one load of laundry done today, due to taking a stupid nap. With the two I did yesterday, that leaves one more for tomorrow. Stupid laundry.

I also made dinner--seasoned steak, steamed broccoli, and cheesy scalloped potatoes--and emptied the dishwasher, both of which seemed like nigh-impossible feats as I was doing them. The steak is okay, but the broccoli isn't all that good for some reason. I guess it's because usually I cut the crowns in half, but I didn't this time. Bleh.

Tomorrow Sean and I are going to see Spider-Man 2 with Adam, and then we're going to eat something, and then we're going to watch mucho Prince of Tennis. I'm looking forward to it. On Sunday Sean is going to help Kelly with his new media box, and then I don't know what all is going on. We never go see the fireworks or anything...I don't know if that will change this year or not.

Hope I get to sleep in tomorrow, because even though I napped from like 7 until 9:30, bed still sounds very, very appealing. ;P

DAY NINETEEN

I got up late, and it was raining, so I went straight to the workout room. 10 minutes on the treadmill, increasing the pace towards the middle and then decreasing at the end, and then the following:

Crunches (+10): 50
Elbows-to-Knees (+10): 30
Lats (each side; +10): 30
Obliques (each side; +10): 30
Back raises (+10): 50
Wuss Pushups: 20

Outside thigh raises (each side): 20
Inside thigh raises (each side): 20
Leg Lifts (each side): 20
Scissor Kicks (total): 20

No stairclimber today, because last night at bike riding my quads felt like lead. Just a huge mass of immovable substance that was way, way heavy. I figured they didn't need the punishment...that and I was low on time.

My new coworker Wanda is bringing me a biscuit from McDonald's for breakfast this morning, but it won't be until 9 or 10 when she comes in, so I'm going to take a Slim Fast with me just in case.

I watched Sailor Moon 37 yesterday during my lunch break (I really had no time to do anything yesterday o_o). It was, well, awesome. A return to normalcy, but with a twist. And that ending cliffhanger was just evil...

DAY EIGHTEEN

I think once I get past DAY TWENTY, I'm going to just start using numerals.

One lap of "power walking" around the complex with handweights, five minutes on the stairclimber, 40 crunches, 20 knees-to-elbows, 20 both side laterals, 20 both side side-lifts, 40 back raises, 20 wuss-pushups. 20 each side inner thigh raises, 20 each side inner thigh raises with opposite leg wrapped over it, 20 each side regular leg raises. 20 quasi-"scissor kicks" (which were really hard after all those crunches). Five minutes on the treadmill.

Came back and made Sean's lunch and started the dishwasher.

I may be able to get a good deal on a flight back to Lexington, so I'm going to look into doing that for sometime towards the end of this month. It would be really cool to be able to fly out of Augusta and into Lexington for cheap, and not have to drive for like 8 hours.

Gotta drink my Slim Fast and take my shower. Bye!