Her post prompted the following comment from me:
I have felt the same way--that everyone expected great things from me, and that nothing I accomplished mattered because it wasn't the Big Thing.Kind of depressing. But I really feel like I have never learned how to try.
This unfortunately has caused me to hit several stumbling blocks. I basically have felt many times that I can't get anywhere near meeting people's expectations, so I've given up. This happened when I went for my mechanical engineering degree (I dropped out after one year), and it happened in many classes in which I should have made As. It hasn't really happened at work--typically I exceed expectations there--but I feel too "big" for the job I have now, like I'm overqualified for the work I do and that I'm not getting the responsibilities that would help me grow. But I'm having trouble pursuing something different; only recently was I really able to try and sell myself to a prospective employer. In that case, I'd found a challenge that I was desperate to work to meet.
People still expect great things of me, whenever I meet them. I don't know why. It makes me scared, like I'm going to let them all down. I feel like I haven't done much with my life, and that right now I'm spinning my wheels. I don't feel like I know how to achieve what everyone assumes I will achieve.
The fact that you were able to ride people's expectations into true greatness is something to be applauded. It's not easy to be a lawyer. I imagine I would have dropped out of pre-law.
When I was little, Mom used to take us to the Living Arts and Science Center in Lexington, Kentucky. One time, we were supposed to make an octopus. I chose to draw Olive Oyl (from Popeye) instead, because I didn't feel like counting all the way to eight. Another time, when I was older, everyone was making paper airplanes. Instead of trying the new things we were learning about aerodynamics, I just made the same airplane I'd learned how to make years before. Could those have been caused by a subconscious fear of failure...or am I just inherently lazy?
I suppose it's a good sign that I'm working to correct these flaws. But thinking about all the things I want to accomplish just makes me tired. I've been so tired lately.
It would be so easy to just give up.
1 comment:
Since you were a kid, you always overanalyzed yourself and the kinds of shit that went down around you. You mention that you drew Olive Oil instead of an Octopus, and try to blame that on laziness, but you and I both know that you could have drawn that octopus. There wasn't a lack of talent or ability there, it was a lack of interest in the subject matter.
Maybe you were just being a kid about it - I don't WANNA do that. I wanna do THIS! If that was the case, then you were just being a kid.
Maybe you can take it further, and say that you're a nonconformist, unhappy with just doing what everyone else is doing.
But however you look at it, the fact remains that you COULD have done it. And that you didn't do it doesn't hurt anyone, anywhere.
As for the airplanes, could it be that you made it your way because you thought it was better? Or was it that airplane Dad taught us how to make? That one always flies real good. Could be possible that you just figured it would be better than the others, as all kids have a want to believe no one's smarter than their father or mother.
But there could be an alternative reason for why you did these things. Maybe you felt anxious in the group of kids you'd never met, and you weren't intending to stand out or anything, but rather than attempt to do what they were doing, you got frustrated with yourself and did it how you wanted to.
Of course, the end result is that these situations did nothing to mark you as lazy or insubordinant unless you choose to take that away from the experience.
Mechanical Engineering isn't something you want, so far as I can tell. All of the things you are passionate about have nothing to do with Mechanical Engineering. But rather than be glad you didn't waste college getting a degree in it and being forced to work a job like that, you are upset with yourself for not finishing what you started.
Why not count it as a blessing? Everything happens for a reason. You tried out Mechanical Engineering and found out it wasn't right for you. Which is good, because before you were there, you thought it might be.
And as for being a Lawyer - if you felt for that sort of thing the way you do about Japan, I imagine you'd be filing ludicrous lawsuits all the time by now.
And finally, as for people expecting great things from you - just relax. Those you work for will expect you to do your job, and those you are close to will expect you to be the same kind, imaginative friend you've always been.
Life isn't always about what you accomplish, and those near to you don't look at you as a "Great Work" yet to be finished.
When people first meet, they don't hold a bar up and expect you to jump it, but it's a good trait to have hope and trust and faith in those you meet as friends. It shouldn't be felt as a burden, because in no way is it intended to be so.
Think of how you felt when you first met the women that have been in and out of me and Ben's lives. You don't expect them to be anything other than nice people that you can get along with yourself. That's not asking too much.
I think many people feel the way you do about wanting to accomplish something noteworthy - and even about feeling over-qualified for certain tasks. You spoke about stepping stones in your response to her, and you know that your current job is nothing more than a stepping stone along the path. It helps pay the bills, feed the bellies, etc. You could drop that job and start another one equally as unchallenging. Or you could ride this one out until you're ready and set up to take a bigger step. That's totally up to you.
Sometimes when you're stuck in a sort of non-ending rut (like a job you don't care for, doing the same things at work and at home day after day after day) it's hard not to over-analyize what you're going through. Especially for you, I imagine, as (like I said) you've been prone to doing it since youth.
Take heart and roll with the punches. If you have one of many things on you "to-do" list that just never gets any of your time, don't beat yourself up over it because you aren't feeling the drive to do it - just take it off your list entirely for awhile, and revist it later on, when your life and your schedule are more accepting of it.
As one aspiring author to another (it really annoys me to call myself that - seems like everyone and their brother is an "aspiring author" anymore), I haven't touched anything even resembling my idea for a book in a good long time. I just don't have time for it, or the will for it, or the passion that it deserves. Maybe I'll get to it later in life. I'd hate not to, but there's so much else that I have to take care of right now.
Figure out what you want to do, and concentrate on doing that. Don't bog yourself down, or tie yourself into all kinds of knots trying to accomplish everything.
But in the end, don't worry about anyone's expectations but your own. The world isn't full of people just trying to find the next super star to follow. In our own lives, we're all the main character. To live as if you're the backseat to another isn't really living.
No one around you is going to dislike you if you don't live up to your dreams - we'll always support those we love, and cheer for them when they accomplish their goals, but all we truly want from one another is that mix of friendship, love, and loyalty. And that, my dear sister, is something you've always given in abundance.
-AJ
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